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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I'm pregnant - WIBU to ignore and tell no one?

81 replies

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:25

(I've name changed but been on here for years)

I have two children, and thought I was on the same page as my DH in saying that if I were to 'accidentally' fall pregnant it wouldn't be the worst news ever.

I haven't been on the pill or anything since my second child, and have just been timing sex to be at the least fertile times. Until last month when we were drunk and it was bang in the middle of my fertile window. It took a long time to conceive my second child so I wasn't overly worried.

But now my period is 6 days late when usually like clockwork, I have sore breasts and pains in my lower back that I remember from before. I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.

Today while shopping I was going to bring up to my DH that I might need to get a test, but a person walked by with baby twins and I said how cute, and he basically said poor them. How glad he is we're done with babies and the PND I suffered with after my second child did him in and he would never want to go through it again.

I said if I found out I was pregnant I wouldn't consider not having it, and he said that we would be on total opposite sides of that argument.

So now, I'm thinking I'm just not going to take a test, just wait and see and let time go past and be one of those people who 'discovers' their pregnancy really late. Then there's no argument, no horrible decision...

I appreciate this makes me sound like a psycho. But I'm actually thinking of doing it. I didn't buy a test. I didn't say anything.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 12:28

If he was that against it, he would have taken precautions. Just like the rest of us. Many of us could probably have 10+ children if we had his attitude and just relied on 'luck'.

I don't think he will mind that much OP, take the test.

AntiHop · 08/02/2015 12:50

If it was me I'd take the test and tell him if it's positive. Concealing it from him is likely to cause all sorts of resentment.

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 08/02/2015 12:56

Hi OP,

I recently found myself in the same predicament.

I am pregnant, and both DH and I agreed last year that there would be no more babies.

I took the test alone and was very upset to see the positive result.

I did hide it for a few days - my DH is lovely but I needed to get my head around it.

Well DH took me for lunch as I'd been acting so peculiar - and I told him why. It was a shock but despite both of our recent anti-baby stance he was thrilled.

He said he would have supported me with any choice I wanted to make.

You absolutely have to talk to him. Plus he is well aware that this is down to both of you. It's not something you did without his knowledge.

Original poster
PurpleCorsage · 08/02/2015 22:02

Well, clearly worry over nothing. Had an old Internet cheapie from Amazon left over and took it this evening and its negative.

I'm totally shocked to be honest, I've never been over a week late in my life and my breasts are on fire... I felt 100% sure in my mind that I was pregnant.

No sign of AF and no huge period pain, just the same niggly pains in my lower back and sore breast and slight nausea now I had when pregnant before (and that's 8 times total, with miscarriages!)

Feel ridiculous Blush

OP posts:
Noseyvalentine · 08/02/2015 22:07

The key word there could be 'old' op. Test again in a few days x

OhMittens · 08/02/2015 22:09

But, purple... sigh... if you ovulated much (much) later than normal you might only have conceived (say) five or seven days ago - long enough to get some very slight symtoms but much too early to show up on a pg test. (especially an internet cheapie, they are not all fabulous).

You could still well be pregnant.

When I was late I felt extremely sick in the shower one morning, I never feel sick. I was bloated too. Yet both those were just coincidence as I was definitely not pg (it wasn't a chem preg either as I continued to test during the time I was late to AF arriving 15 days late).

So, the jury's still out!

Hope you get the result you want though. Keep us posted? x

OhMittens · 08/02/2015 22:19

PS if it turns out you aren't pg, do you think it would be worth having a more indepth chat with your DH re contraception choices, soon? Just so he knows that as long as you are doing the timing method, it could still well lead to a pg. I don't know why but it always seems to look and feel more like the woman's responsibility (or "fault") if a surprise pg occurs, (presumably because it happens in her body so it's her job to take care of it even if both aren't using protection Hmm

I went a bit cold all over when I realised that I had ovulated two weeks later than normal without any warning. I used to happily DTD from AF to day 7 (maybe 8), then use condoms from 8-17 approx, then go back to having sex with no protection for the rest of the cycle, definitely by days 22-28 I would have felt confident to not use any protection at all, as you can't get pregnant once ovulation has occured, until the next cycle.

If that had happened that month I ovulated late I would have been panicking like mad as I would have not known that I would have been ovulating on day 28 at the same time as having unprotected sex.

I have three DCs already and they are still young. Although we are not dead set against adding to the family it would certainly muddy things to have an unplanned pregnancy. I imagine there would be tough times when we wished we had been more careful (as opposed to knowing like with the previous three that they were all planned).

Original poster
PurpleCorsage · 08/02/2015 22:24

I mean, it was negative but I'm not drinking or anything so I'll just leave it a few days then buy a clear blue digital (I feel they never lie Wink) and test again if no AF.

Problem is, I'm due to have an x Ray on my spine this week so if I am pregnant I obviously don't want to have it. (Back injury follow up)

DH is taking me now so the cat would probably be out of the bag then either way!

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 08/02/2015 23:24

The hospital will do a pregnancy test before the x-ray if you cannot say for sure that you aren't pg. Thats how I found out I was pg with my first son!

FuckOffGroundhog · 08/02/2015 23:26

If he doesn't want you to get pregnant he should wear a condom. He shouldn't pressure you in any way.

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/02/2015 08:20

My guess is you are not pregnant as 6 days late is quite late to still not show on test. A clear blue will detect something like 99% by the day before a missed period - this is a week after so I'd relax a bit.

Buttercupsandaisies · 09/02/2015 08:23

Either way I'd be sorting out a more permanent contraception ASAP given he's now made his position so clear.
Most people I know who use the rhythms method, do so because they are not concerned either way- like you thought initially. Things have changed now so I'm not sure this is the best method.

OhMittens · 09/02/2015 11:58

Buttercups You are right that if OP ovulated as normal then a pregnancy would be showing up after 6 days late, definitely.

However if OP happened to ovulate very late in her cycle she could still well be pregnant. And in fact, if she's still having non-protected intercourse, it could be happening any minute - literally.

Ovulation can suddenly be late for no reason that we are aware of. Dieting, stress etc - can put off ovulation from when it would normally occur.

FuckOffGroundhog · 09/02/2015 12:17

Either way I'd be sorting out a more permanent contraception ASAP given he's now made his position so clear.

Surely that's up to him to "sort" as he has made his position clear?

IKnewYou · 09/02/2015 12:50

It's not up to him or to her, it's up to both of them. They should act as a couple. They should discuss it and do what's best for the both of them. If he genuinely doesn't want baby then the OP would be misguided to still leave it up to him to sort out contraception even if it's HIS responsibility.

Why would anyone risk getting pregnant with someone who doesn't want a baby but is being an idiot about contraception. I wouldn't even if I wanted to get pregnant myself.

murmuration · 09/02/2015 12:51

Let them know and they will do a quick dip test before your X-ray. I did this about a year ago when unexpectedly sent for a chest X-ray (not pregnant, but I had been wondering and hadn't managed to get a test yet). You'll still be over with the nurses so I don't think your DH would know?

FuckOffGroundhog · 09/02/2015 12:55

It wouldn't be misguided to not choose to take hormonal birth control which isn't right for many women. I can't see how taking pills or having surgery or something put in her body would be right for them as a couple if she wants a child (and it certainly sounds to me that she does, or she'd have one something in the first place herself)

The op's husband is a grown up father, he knows how babies are made. If he doesn't want her to get pregnant he can wear a condom or have a vasectomy if he really wants to be sure.

Contraception is not always a woman's job and there are no contractions they "can take as a couple" as far as I know Hmm

FuckOffGroundhog · 09/02/2015 12:57

It's always best for the person who wants to prevent a pregnancy to take deal with contraception, let it be on their head. If you both want to prevent it, then decide. Or use 2 methods to be extra sure.

AmberLav · 09/02/2015 13:06

I would suggest that if your AF hasn't arrived by the X ray, mention it to the radiologist (think that's their name?!) that your period is a few days late, that way they can send you for a dip test, and if it comes back as positive, then you can both be surprised, as your OH will be with you.

In this type of situation, I always go for honesty, as I know I am a cr*p actress! Deceit breeds resentment, and the more you lie, the more OH will think you "did it deliberately" even if that is not the case...

As you suspect you are not pg, talk to your OH properly about what you do now - you can mention that you had a pregancy "scare", and that you were genuinely scared to tell him. If he is a decent man, that may be enough to get him talking about it...

flora717 · 09/02/2015 13:10

After so many miscarriages I can understand the reluctance to test, you've had a negative but I think when at your hospital appointment you are asked if you could be pregnant. Say "yes, it's possible" (even if AF has put in an appearance). Your DH needs to think about stuff rather than ignoring it! It would be a hell of a shock for him. Especially with MC history. I woefully treat every pregnancy test as irrelevant and 'expect' miscarriage. But I don't rely on that as contraception. Each miscarriage takes a physical toll and is a risk. My DH is keen for us to try contraception now because he fears another one of them will do me real harm.

OhMittens · 09/02/2015 14:00

Groundhog I do agree with you in principal but in practice, as much as a man says he doesn't want children, that is not enough for them to go and get a vasectomy, or wear a condom each and every single time they have sex.

Being right (or righteous about it taking two to tango) doesn't mean being happier in the wider picture. It will be no consolation if things don't go well with a surprise pregnancy that the man could have had the snip or worn a condom. They both know that at the time but it's the woman who is likely to suffer worse in reality.

FuckOffGroundhog · 09/02/2015 14:29

hat is not enough for them to go and get a vasectomy, or wear a condom each and every single time they have sex.

it absolutely is enough.

IKnewYou · 09/02/2015 16:33

FuckOffGroundhog. I don't think you understood what I meant with my post. I certainly didn't suggest there was a contraceptive they can take as a couple (Not sure why you used quotes as no one has actually said that ? Confused )
My point is that if you have a partner who doesn't want kids but isn't responsible enough to use contraception then I think you are daft to go ahead and have unprotected sex with him. It's not fair on any future child and doesn't bode well for your relationship. I think you should discuss it and agree what you are going to do.

Its different if it's a genuine accident.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 09/02/2015 17:09

Old test? Please test again! Friend had two negatives when she finally became pregnant - from old tests. No period, so she finally went to boots and got another (not old!) one - yup, very pregnant.

Hopefully though you won't be! But PLEASE use a current test.

Buttercupsandaisies · 10/02/2015 13:54

I don't buy this contraception is a joint decision. Yes you can discuss etc but at the end of the day it's women who are left with the baby if something fails so IMO they should get overall say. Will certainly be teaching my daughters to be the one responsible for contraception.

In no other aspect do women give men such influence over their bodies. On almost every pregnancy related thread on here, all people harp on about is how it's your decision etc etc but now everyone is saying it's up to him to sort contraception. Whilst I agree in part, it's her that's affected at the end of the day.

If the ops dh doesn't use contraception despite the fact he doesn't want a child, then going forward, she is equally as irresponsible in my opinion for continuing to risk pregnancy with someone who has made their position so clear.

In all honesty, I don't think you are pregnant. If you are having symptoms listed in your ts, you would have noticed a positive result. At the end of the day, pregnancy symptoms are caused by rising hormones, if the hormones are so high to be causing symptoms, then they'd be showing on a test.

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