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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I'm pregnant - WIBU to ignore and tell no one?

81 replies

PurpleCorsage · 07/02/2015 22:25

(I've name changed but been on here for years)

I have two children, and thought I was on the same page as my DH in saying that if I were to 'accidentally' fall pregnant it wouldn't be the worst news ever.

I haven't been on the pill or anything since my second child, and have just been timing sex to be at the least fertile times. Until last month when we were drunk and it was bang in the middle of my fertile window. It took a long time to conceive my second child so I wasn't overly worried.

But now my period is 6 days late when usually like clockwork, I have sore breasts and pains in my lower back that I remember from before. I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.

Today while shopping I was going to bring up to my DH that I might need to get a test, but a person walked by with baby twins and I said how cute, and he basically said poor them. How glad he is we're done with babies and the PND I suffered with after my second child did him in and he would never want to go through it again.

I said if I found out I was pregnant I wouldn't consider not having it, and he said that we would be on total opposite sides of that argument.

So now, I'm thinking I'm just not going to take a test, just wait and see and let time go past and be one of those people who 'discovers' their pregnancy really late. Then there's no argument, no horrible decision...

I appreciate this makes me sound like a psycho. But I'm actually thinking of doing it. I didn't buy a test. I didn't say anything.

OP posts:

DancingDays · 07/02/2015 22:52

I would start mentioning common pregnancy signs. Feeling sick if not actually sick, tiredness and let him piece it all together in his own time.

He might be the one to suggest a pregnancy as the cause or it just might give him time to get over the shock and prepare mentally.

Fairenuff · 07/02/2015 22:54

Take a test and if it's positive say to 'Hey, dh, remember a few weeks ago when we did that thing you have to do to get pregnant...'

Come on, OP, presumably he's not stupid, he does know that if his sperm meets your egg it will create a baby. And he does know that if he doesn't take steps to prevent that happening, that is what will happen. So if he starts trying to blame you, put a stop to it immediately.

elfycat · 07/02/2015 22:55

It might have been a firmly stated but not absolutely true comment, supporting the decision he thinks you have both made. When I used to say I didn't want to have children I was undecided I didn't leave any room for doubt or for discussions. So much so that I had a hard time persuading people that DD1 was on her way.

Take a test and then tell him either way. If you are pregnant he needs to know. If you are not you may need to gauge your own and his feelings about a pregnancy occurring, and rethink contraceptive choices if necessary.

Either way it'll all work out, it usually does.

coconutty · 07/02/2015 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamtoast12 · 07/02/2015 23:45

You must do a test.

If he has made his feelings known before now, how come you are both not using secure contraception? If he's against it and relied on rhythm method then I'd tell him, knowing full well it's as much his fault as anyone's.

Was his attitude of 'not worst case', an old one as in a long time ago? Did he know you were mid cycle at the time? Did you discuss cycle timings etc?

Did you know he wasn't keen before now?

I do think you need to tell him as it's as much his right to know? His opinions are valid even if you disagree with them.

I'm only asking the above questions as threads like this often remind me of my own situation. (Though in this case not the same). I was desperate for dc3 and badgered dh into trying. I ignored all his concerns and whilst he agreed to ttc, deep down I knew he wasn't into it but thought he'd change his mind. In reality, it took over 12 months for me to get pregnant with my first 2 so I think dh agreed under protest thinking we'd have time to reconsider. After 3 months I got pregnant and he was gutted. He did not change his mind and tbh it took the whole shine of for me. I realized I'd forced a terrible thing on him.

He never pressured for abortion at all but I was not going to have a child without dh support. In the end I had a termination and it was the best thing for us. I strongly believe he'd have resented me afterwards and we'd have been unlikely to last the pregnancy as he'd made his feelings clear and I had ignored it.

I'm not saying this to suggest the same, just to point out that not everyone changes their mind and no it doesn't always work out.

Tell him and I truly hope it works out.

CrapBag · 07/02/2015 23:48

Sorry but if he's that adamant about not wanting another child, he should not be having unprotected sex with you.

Take a test before you worry too much. This could all be for nothing.

I took a long time to conceive DC1. DC2 was one time.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2015 23:51

I agree with Keema. Don't keep it a secret. But you don't know for sure if you're pregnant. So take courage and get the test done. And then you yourself will at least know. Then you don't know what your DH's reactions will be. He might well be quite pleased if it's a done thing. And from a health point of view you do need the scans and check ups.

HotSquashedBun · 08/02/2015 02:07

OP I understand why you'd want to just not tell anyone but really you need to find out if you are actually pregnant first.
Do a test tomorrow then at least you'll know if you are or not.
If it's positive then get yourself booked in with the midwife and give yourself a couple of weeks to get your head round it all before bringing it up with dp.
You sound like you would want to continue with a pregnancy so you've already made the decision.
Ultimately it's your body, your choice, if you tell him you are continuing with the pregnancy then he will have to accept that and accept that he was partly responsible for it. It would be wrong to try to pressure you into a termination against your will.

Purplepoodle · 08/02/2015 08:54

I would tell him. Surely if this is your third your going to have a noticeable bump from around 10/12 weeks

NoStrange · 08/02/2015 08:58

I'm always aghast at men who adamantly do NOT want more kids yet fuck about without contraception.

OP, I think you need to take a pregnancy test first to establish whether you are in fact pregnant. If you are, you take a little while (days or maybe a week or two) to get your head straight and then you take a deep breath and you tell him. He is your HUSBAND. You cant hide a pregnancy from him.

And he cant force you to terminate. If he is really the sort of man who would do that, that begs some deeper questions about him and about your marriage.

EmmaJacksonHarley · 08/02/2015 09:26

Be honest with him. I bet you are overthinking it and it will be fine. Once the shock wears of I bet he will be happy!

Davsmum · 08/02/2015 09:55

If you are pregnant it is something you BOTH have to face up to, together. You shouldn't be keeping this from your DH. He shares the responsibility as he knows you both risk unprotected sex.
I can understand you not wanting the pressure of termination as an option but if you are against termination he has to respect that and accept it.
Just because he made those comments doesn't mean he will still feel like that faced with the reality.
Either way, whether you keep it secret or tell him now, you are going to have to face his reaction. I really think the truth now would do less harm in the long run. Good luck.

BrightSunshineyDay · 08/02/2015 10:12

Don't lie. I did (different circumstances) to yours but it is really hard to keep the lie up. You will always have to keep yourself in check with what you have told people. It is more difficult than you realise. Plus it is mentally tiring. Even if you do manage it the possible toll on your mental health after the baby is here just isn't worth it. Chances are you will slip up at some point and the fallout is far worse than what you are facing now.

Duckdeamon · 08/02/2015 10:19

His attitude is unreasonable given that you have both chosen not to use contraception.

You would be unresonable to lie by omission for many weeks and months and then lie more to say you hadn't known you were pregnant.

He would not be unreasonable to express negative feelings about the pregnancy or even suggest termination, but it is your decision.

waithorse · 08/02/2015 10:23

He knows neither of you have been using contraception, therefore news of a pregnancy can hardly be a shock for him.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 08/02/2015 10:29

He doesn't get to say that he definitely does not want another baby when he has been happy to have sex without contraception and in your fertile window too!

He simply does not have that option. He has NO RIGHT to have a strong opposing opinion now. It's too late. He MADE his DECISION - a DECISION - which spoke the opposite.

I don't know what you should do, because I totally see that while the above might be true, if it won't change the fact that he will pressurise, moan, guilt etc. then as the pregnant person (possibly) I can see that you simply want to prioritise your mental comfort right now. And you have the right to do that.

I would not agonise over the telling him thing until you've done a test and you know. Then come back here maybe?

Good luck

TongueBiter · 08/02/2015 10:34

Does he know that all previous sex has been at your least fertile points of your cycle? If he's used to you giving the go-ahead at safe times, it probably wouldn't have occurred to him to question "safe or not" in a drunken moment. Not excusing him - my dd3 was conceived using those condoms that work unopened on the bedside table - but I'm getting the impression contraception has been your responsibility and thus he wouldn't give it a thought.

IKnewYou · 08/02/2015 10:41

Contraception is absolutely BOTH partners responsibility ..but what an earth were you thinking

Did either of you mention anything at all about contraception on the night you got pregnant? or did you discuss the MAP the morning after? Did you think about it yourself?
Is the any way he might think you have got pregnant deliberately?

I don't think you can keep it hidden. I'd tell him you think you might be but that you will not discus getting rid of the pregnancy. If you have already chatted about pregnancies yesterday and you had unprotected sex during your fertile time the surely he won't be too suprised.

hauntedhenry · 08/02/2015 11:15

Get a test. You need to know one way or another so that you can get proper medical care, take vitamins etc.
Just bite the bullet and tell him.

laughingmyarseoff · 08/02/2015 11:50

Oh OP, you need to take a test to know for yourself for sure, then take things from there.

ghostspirit · 08/02/2015 12:06

i would do a test op and find out. if its positive then i would tell him. it would be hell keeping such a ig thing secrete for so long. it will only cause you more stress. and when your partner does find out all the stress will boil over for the both of you. sooner you get the bits your scared of over with the sooner you can start to settle and hopefully enjoy the thought of another baby enjoy your pregnancy and share things together.

Sallyingforth · 08/02/2015 12:12

Apart from other considerations, if you are pregnant you should now stop drinking alcohol. Since you and DH obviously like a drink (your baby was conceived while you were drunk), isn't he going to find that suspicious?

Tell him.

CaptainAnkles · 08/02/2015 12:19

Did you test yet OP?
Really, just find out for sure before your mind runs away with you.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 08/02/2015 12:24

I don't like to be the voice of doom, but if the OP was previously incapacitated with PND for 6 months, I think it's highly unlikely that her DH will suddenly be pleased about a surprise pg.

Take a test, talk to your DH, and very best of luck (as you say, the previous PND might have been specific to the circumstances of that birth).

KindleFancy · 08/02/2015 12:27

I'm going to go against the grain...I don't think there would be any harm in carrying on for the minute.

Unless you have a history of problems, you don't need to see a Dr or midwife or get any medical care in the early weeks.

I recently had an unplanned pregnancy scare. I was 3 weeks late (very unusual for me). I would never abort so there would have been no 'decision' for us to make, although a baby atm would be less than ideal.

I did nothing, no test, and just thought 'well if I am, I am' and carried on, planning to wait a couple of months.

I then had AF and heavier than normal - and I have wondered if I may have been, and had an early mc. But if it was that, I'm glad I didn't 'know' tbh.

There's no need for a huge rush to find out IMO, if you know you would have the baby regardless of other circumstances.

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