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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sisters have dropped hints that I will be cut out of parents will as I see them less

155 replies

entiledornot · 07/02/2015 21:03

I happen to live 200 miles away from my parents, that's just how it ended up with work and my partner.

My two sisters still live in the same city (Oxford) and they do constantly go back and fawn over my parents often sending their dhs to help fix things around the house.

I'm only back a couple of times a year and do not fawn over them. Sister was discussing how much parents house had gone up in value and when I said great, she replied "well that's if you get any, seeing as you left them and rarely help out"

Aibu to think that I should still stand to inherit 1/3? The sums we are talking about are pretty large tbf.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/02/2015 07:37

Even if they are in the middle of nowhere, can you really not stand to be "stranded" with them for just a couple of days??

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 09/02/2015 07:46

What an awful OP. So you are worried about being written out of the will despite rarely going home as Oxford is remote , never helping parents out and accusing those that do as having other motives.

When children are already rubbing their hands at the thought of inheritance I hope it all goes to charity. Time here is precious yet to some it's just a countdown to what they can gain.

bigbluestars · 09/02/2015 07:47

"I think parents should try to treat all their children with equal fairness, both in life and in death."

But why?

I am the sibling that has helped our mother for decades, buried our father, been there for birthdays, every christmas, chosen to live and work close- even though OH turned down work offers in New York and Dubai. My mother lives with us, she is warm, secure, well fed and surrounded by love. Without me our mother would have no-one.

ssd · 09/02/2015 09:32

agree bigbluestars

often ageing parents arent treated fairly

Runnyhunny · 09/02/2015 10:04

Bigbluestars I am in similar position to you but am not doing it for any reward, no expectations or even interest in what they do with their money. UNconditional love Id guess u'd call it.

Damnautocorrect · 09/02/2015 10:18

I can see both sides, on the one hand yes of course it should be fair.
But by the same token my parents were both the 'looker afters' of the grand parents. So they dealt with Alzheimer's, dementia, care homes, hospital appointments, cancer, fighting social services. As well as house & garden maintenance, shopping trips, days out etc.
Now obviously it wasn't all bad and it was all done with love. But it's bloody hard graft (the Alzheimer's care especially. one of them lived over 100 miles away with nearer children who 'didn't want to be relied upon'.

Now in our situation there was 1 sibling one side, 4 others the other all perfectly able with no responsibilities in their own homes meaning they couldn't help. none of them picked up the slack, none of them put their hand in their pockets for maintaining or running the houses, or the parents around. So why is it 'fair' they get an equal share?

MoanCollins · 09/02/2015 10:20

Blimey. I must be the only person in the world who has understanding parents! I live a long way from my parents because London is too expensive and I could have a family there. We also work so visits are limited. They get up when they can, health permitting, and we do our best to visit when we can. In laws are overseas, so seen even less frequently. No discussion of punishing us for that though. Think it's really odd to suggest parents would. And also controlling. I mean, would you rather your kids came to see you because they loved you or because there was a financial incentive at some point in the future?

Bettybodybooboo · 09/02/2015 10:23

Horrible thread.

OurMiracle1106 · 09/02/2015 10:29

When my mum died she left everything to my older sister. A will that my mum changed 8 days before she died after my sister had her resuscitated 3 times despite having cancer.

It didn't hurt not getting anything what hurt was that my sister didn't tell me mum was ill and I lost the chance to say goodbye to my mum and tell her I love her. It's money (172,000) my sister inherited as a result. Even though I was homeless and penny less it was that I never got to tell my mum how Mich she meant to me. I don't speak to my sister as a result of her actions and I feel she was cold towards mum too as my mum must have died thinking I didn't care.

ssd · 09/02/2015 10:32

gosh, thats really awful ourmiracle1106!

how could your sister do that to you and your mum!!

sanfairyanne · 09/02/2015 10:48

why would you want or expect financial reward for doing normal loving things? why would a parent offer future financial reward for 'services received'? do you need some kind of tally system to keep a note of it all? what happens if the parent has no money? just abandon them??

this thread reeks of unresolved sibling rivalry. it is like my house with all kids vying for who is the 'favourite' (they are pre teens!).
dont play the favourites game - it never ends well.

MrSimms · 09/02/2015 10:57

This is why IHT is one of the most sensible ways to raise taxation and why there absolutely should be a mansion tax (deferred until the house is sold, as necessary)

Floisme · 09/02/2015 13:43

bigbluestars It's because I don't think death is the place for settling up or recrimination (sorry if I've worded that badly). It's too final for that. I see your will as the very last message you will leave for your children and it's also one that gives them no right of reply. I think that message should be that, whatever may have happened in the past, you love them all equally and unconditionally.

That doesn't mean I can't see where you're coming from and I do sympathise - far more in fact, than I do with the op. But for what it's worth, this is still my opinion.

bigbluestars · 09/02/2015 14:14

I don't care for my mother for financial reward. I would do the same if she was penniless.

My mother gifted my her home while she was still living in it- my sister wanted to use her home as collateral for a loan and was trying to get the deeds signed over to her.

My mother was afraid that she would cave in to my sisters requests so gave me the house.

DropYourSword · 09/02/2015 14:22

My god. What utter bitches your sisters are, showering your parents with kindness and getting their DHs to help with odd jobs.

Postchildrenpregranny · 09/02/2015 20:40

Does your mother still live in the house she has made over to you bigbluestars? I think I am right in saying she could be regarded as having a residual interest and, at the very least, she should be paying you(market ) rent . I don't know when she did it but it could be regarded as disposing of assets to avoid paying care home fees too, should it come to that .
And lavenderhoney, many of us who live(ed) a long way from family didn't just 'up sticks'- we went where the jobs were. Some of us (not me,as it happens) 'followed' a partner . As bakingaddict says, your children have to make their own lives .I loved my DPs very much, which they knew, as did my own children (and DH if it came to that - was very attached to my mum as his own was a little lacking in that respect). One of the things I missed most when they died (my DF 21 years ago yesterday) was the sense of being their beloved child, even though I had by then started to parent them , just a little.Better stop as getting emotional . My point is that physical distance is not important .

ssd · 09/02/2015 20:47

I miss that too, postchildrenpregnancy, although I looked after mum too.

bigbluestars · 09/02/2015 20:49

postchildren= my mother now lives with me. Her house was sold last year.

Physical distance is very important.

Postchildrenpregranny · 09/02/2015 20:54

Sorry bigbluestars missed your post regarding buying joint family home .I 'm sure you would have taken legal advice
Oldgrandmama am seriously considering colour- coding my IN THE EVENT Of instructions to the DDs .Sound like the best fun I will have had in ages . I have given them strict instructions not to squabble about my jewelry , which they occasionally have fun trying on ...do you suppose they are plotting my demise ?. (promised DD1 my 'best' coat 'when I'm gone' the other day-she loves it but being poor could not have afforded it -cost a fortune, but hey I'm worth it, and it wouldn't do to leave them too much would it?- and is consequently quite jealous. Must remember to write it in...)

Postchildrenpregranny · 09/02/2015 21:01

Physical distance in itself is not that important, though I agree it can cause practical difficulties. It's how you deal with it that matters.
My DH worked in very specialised field, for which there simply would not have been job opportunities in rural N Wales, where DPs lived . When I left Uni I would have loved to have gone 'home' but again, the jobs weren't there . In my field you had to speak fluent Welsh-I do speak it, but not fluently enough. I'm not saying there is any excuse for your sister's behaviour and all credit to you for looking after your mum so well, but it isn't always that easy .

bigbluestars · 09/02/2015 21:08

I agree post- I do see your point of view, and in fact I would hate my own children to limit themselves to care for me.

piggychops · 09/02/2015 21:11

OP, I live 200 miles away from my family. We often drive down on a Friday and back on a Sunday evening. I have children, and I work.
Also minimum legal holiday entitlement for full time workers is 28 days not 20 as you stated.
Do your parents come and visit you?

MoanCollins · 09/02/2015 21:13

I can't really help my parents out practically. I live a long way away, I can't afford to live in London. My brother does slightly more because he can afford to live in London, but the payback from that is that he works very long hours so he doesn't do masses. I think our family are kind enough to know that circumstances dictate how much people can do, and any inheritance is a token of love and a recognition of a blood tie rather than a payment for services.

I don't think anybody suggested that the sisters shouldn't help out or husband's do odd jobs. Just that they shouldn't assume it means the OP will be cut out in their favour.

MoanCollins · 09/02/2015 21:13

Actually...has anybody read King Lear?

sanfairyanne · 09/02/2015 21:25

that was my first thought

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