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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sisters have dropped hints that I will be cut out of parents will as I see them less

155 replies

entiledornot · 07/02/2015 21:03

I happen to live 200 miles away from my parents, that's just how it ended up with work and my partner.

My two sisters still live in the same city (Oxford) and they do constantly go back and fawn over my parents often sending their dhs to help fix things around the house.

I'm only back a couple of times a year and do not fawn over them. Sister was discussing how much parents house had gone up in value and when I said great, she replied "well that's if you get any, seeing as you left them and rarely help out"

Aibu to think that I should still stand to inherit 1/3? The sums we are talking about are pretty large tbf.

OP posts:
ssd · 07/02/2015 22:54

god op, you sound bloody awful

yuk.

CocktailQueen · 07/02/2015 22:56

Up, YABU. Your parents can leave the lot to whoever they want.

Op. - you do sound a bit nasty -'fawning'? Just because your sis and her dh are helping your parents? Who the heck do you think would help them if your sis wasn't around? Not you, with your two visits a year!!

Am sure your DS probably resents you doing none of the caring or work, yet expecting a third of the loot when they die.

You sound callous, unthinking and uncaring, op. Shame on you.

LondonRocks · 07/02/2015 23:00

You sound bitter. And jealous.

What a horrible 'problem'.

bettyboop1970 · 07/02/2015 23:02

YABU - helping parents out and looking after them is not fawning over them. How do you know that they won't leave it to charity? That what my OH grandmother did!!

sanfairyanne · 07/02/2015 23:09

people on mn are so odd about wills. we all die. better to talk about it than leave bitterness behind after you are gone. my parents and i talk about their wills. my siblings and i talk about my parents wills. we talk about our own. actually, its pretty easy as we dont play the favourites card in my family. no big deal.

WineIsMyMainVice · 07/02/2015 23:09

So you resent your BILs going round to help your parents? Nice.

There is no such thing as entitlement when it comes to your parents house/money.

MillyMollyMama · 07/02/2015 23:17

Two visits a year. That's a lot! My sister has visited my Mother about 5 times in 20 years. Our Mother is now 90. Some people are incapable of helping out!

meandjulio · 07/02/2015 23:22

I dunno. My mother and I talk constantly about wills, death, inheritance, funeral arrangements, so I never see it as an odd conversation. However, the difference is that we talk to each other about it, I don't talk to my sister and brother about inheritance, though we have briefly discussed my mother's wishes in terms of health care/advance directive at end of life (she is hale and hearty) and also we all have enduring power of attorney for her. We have also all had general conversations about who gets what piece of furniture. These conversations are all positive and everyone is included, more on the basis of 'yes but our ceilings are really low I don't think we could get that book case in the room...' and are absolutely not about the cash.

I should think that your sister is trying to wind you up. 'Mmmm' is a great reply for conversations like that.

Postchildrenpregranny · 07/02/2015 23:43

I agree with Ifiknewyou and I don't thnk it's at all crass to talk about ' what if' with your DPs .Probably less crass than speculating however light heartledly with a sibling . .Apart from anything else ,if you have assets worth speaking of it makes sense to plan so that you minimise your tax bill etc And anyone over 60 should be thinking of Power of attorney and wills .We are in our mid sixties,not rich but comfortable with a house that is worth a fair bit .our grown up daughters know roughly what our assets are and what arrangements ( strictly fair) have been made.They are our executors .
We encouraged my MIL )lived locally) to rewrite her will (my DH her executor) and give us P of A when my FIL died .She saw the logic of it, job done never had to mention it again. DH is an only child though (it was 20 years before she died) .
I lived 120 miles from my DPs and worked ft .I saw them about every three months ,with my DCs whom they adored,and they would visit us while DF still drove .When DM was terminally ill (DF died v suddenly) the main care fell to my DB and lovely SiL.I drove round trip every weekend for 6 months and did what I could with paperwork etc .What little they had was split 50 :50 though DB felt I should have more as I have Cs and he does not ..I would not hear of it .
I do find it odd (though very common) that people are so secretive about money and I think it would be very hurtful to prefer one child over another when making a will unless there was very good reason
However I do feel OP is (rather unpleasantly )suggesting that her sister(s) are ingratiating themselves with their parents .This may of course be true
Families....

tanukiton · 08/02/2015 00:04

I agree with post and mean! i had the talk with my mum. I know what she would like to happen and also her wishes. It is not just money but also the type of care your parents would like later in life.
If it worries you, talk to your mum and say hey what do you want to happen?

NellysKnickers · 08/02/2015 07:26

Your sisters should get more as should their husbands if they are the ones constantly visiting and caring for your parents. Maybe should make more of an effort if you are so keen to get your hands on 'your share' of the house.

MythicalKings · 08/02/2015 07:37

The ones doing the caring should get more, I'd say.

If was your DM I'd divide my estate into fifths. You get one fifth your sister and their DHs get one fifth each. And I'd expect you to think yourself lucky you were getting anything.

If you don't have DCs I may lessen that amount.

sanfairyanne · 08/02/2015 07:47

thank god my family dont play favourites
never ended well for king lear you know

bigbluestars · 08/02/2015 07:48

I think your sisters are entitled to the bigger share- they haven't moved 200 miles away.

Sunnysideup5883 · 08/02/2015 07:49

The only fair way would be 1/3rds
It doesn't matter that you live miles away, you are all 3 their children.

However maybe your parents could allocate 10k in acknowledgement of local DH's extra time/effort/help over the years.

bigbluestars · 08/02/2015 07:52

My sister emigrated 30 years ago. My mother has put her house into my name alone. My sister will see nothing when our mother dies.

Sunnysideup5883 · 08/02/2015 08:01

How cold to isolate and cut a loved child out of an inheritance?

Yes your siblings are taking a lot of responsibility on and maybe they feel the unfairness. But it is life really. We live in a modern age where families are fragmented across the uk/globe often for work reasons. I hardly know anyone whose parents live close by.

Maybe the parents feel your absence and miss you but haven't expressed it appropriately. Could you make more effort? Yes I understand you are miles away but could you pay a cleaner or gardener alternate weeks to help take the pressure off your siblings. What about arranging for a local /company to cook once a week for them to ensure they are eating well. Skype more. Email photos and updates more.

CruCru · 08/02/2015 08:14

Some of the responses on here are a bit weird.

Realistically, if the OP's parents need to go into a care home at some point, that will eat up even a large pot. Then there is still inheritance tax. It's likely that whatever is left won't be as much as the OP might have thought.

diddl · 08/02/2015 08:17

Perhaps if OP was left less, it wouldn't be for moving away, but for not doing what she could from that distance?

lavenderhoney · 08/02/2015 08:23

It's two things isn't it. Or maybe three.

Your living far away and not finding the time to visit. Have you done anything to aliviate that? Given it a moments thought, when you upped sticks and left? Do you chat to your parents, ask about them, say thank you to your dsis and bils for helping out? Twice a year isn't much, but if you and your parents are happy with that it's ok. Can they come and stay with you sometimes?

You don't get on with your siblings, do you only see them twice a year too? Could that be changed, or are you all so very different?

The will. Do your parents know you're squabbling about it? What has promoted your dsis to talk about it? Her spending lots of family time helping and you saying in effect" oh I live miles away, so good luck with that?" The context of your conversation- did it end amicably?

How difficult now. You either carry on as you are to prove you're not interested in the money, or you make an effort and you'll look grabby and as though you're only doing it for the money. Your dsis could tell your parents you're only helping due to your concerns re the will. Youre going to have to talk about it to your parents.

bigbluestars · 08/02/2015 08:25

OP I think you have to accept the consequences of removing yourself from your mother's life.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2015 08:30

Sounds like they are bragging, and sucking up to them. If they were helping aulteristically, they would conduct themselves with more discretion and decorum. If they are genuinely concerned you are not pulling your weight, have a quiet word with you, not drop money and the will into it. Makes them look grabby.

bakingaddict · 08/02/2015 08:50

I live 200 miles away from my parents and my brother does a bit of work for them from time to time. Whenever he does work in their house they give him £20 - 30 and while not the market rate it's a token gesture of appreciation.

Your children go off and have to make their own life and I always think it's mercenary of the parents who decide basically what their children are worth and adjust wills accordingly. You don't have children for the prime reason of what they may do for you in later life, we live in a modern society now and peoples' jobs can take them far away from the nuclear family. Why can't these parents give some money to their sons-in-law if they are doing lots of work for them. It's doesn't come across as altruistic if the sister's are totting it all up against future inheritance

I love all my children equally and I would never conceive of leaving one child more just because they are around more to help me out. If they are helping me i'd give them money at that point as a mark of gratitude. I think people don't realize that being left less in a will somehow smacks of being the least loved child

frumpet · 08/02/2015 08:52

I must admit I have talked to my mother about wills and funeral arrangements along the lines of 'do you want burning or burying ?' . I think my parents have just done a straight down the middle affair between myself and my brother . He lives quite a long way away so doesn't see them as often as I do . If they need anything doing they ring me as we live in the same town .
I do know how much their property is worth as we live in the same town and it would be difficult to be ignorant of it . However I don't really think that matters , should they become unwell and need care then the proceeds from the house sale would be swallowed up by providing that care . Unless my parents spontaneously die at exactly the same time , I think putting any store in a inheritance would be foolish .

Idefix · 08/02/2015 08:56

Wow, glad some of you are not in my family. Sounds like my db, ds and myself would have all been disinherited as we all live more than 200 miles from dps. Umm it doesn't necessarily work like that. I see my dps once a year sometime twice, we talk a couple of times a week - about the same for ds and db. If there is any money left after what will be no doubt be inevitable care home fees it will not be going to the cat sanctuary.
It is not weird to discuss wills and other financial issues in our family, there are no secrets.
I do think op that the use of the word fawning is a little odd, it is not fawning to help anyone with small jobs around the house if you are able to help. I would recommend that you don't read too much into your sisters comments and speak to your parents. Ultimately as others have said it is your parents choice who they include in their wills. If as other pps have stated they plan to cut you off for not remaining in the same village/town as them there is not much you will be able to do to work with that mindset.