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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

sisters have dropped hints that I will be cut out of parents will as I see them less

155 replies

entiledornot · 07/02/2015 21:03

I happen to live 200 miles away from my parents, that's just how it ended up with work and my partner.

My two sisters still live in the same city (Oxford) and they do constantly go back and fawn over my parents often sending their dhs to help fix things around the house.

I'm only back a couple of times a year and do not fawn over them. Sister was discussing how much parents house had gone up in value and when I said great, she replied "well that's if you get any, seeing as you left them and rarely help out"

Aibu to think that I should still stand to inherit 1/3? The sums we are talking about are pretty large tbf.

OP posts:
DarceyBustle · 08/02/2015 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

krustyem · 08/02/2015 09:50

My parent's have worked hard all their life, brought up 4 children, lived through a war and they have nowt to leave, no house, no savings. What they do have to leave is happy memories not tarnished by 4 kid's arguing over their money. I think fighting over parent's cash is pretty Vile. I hope they leave it to the cats as well Grin

sanfairyanne · 08/02/2015 10:21

yep, thinking the same, DarceyBustle

it isnt really even about the money in most cases. disinheriting someone, or giving them less, is usually taken as a sign of how loved or not loved a person is. why parents play one off against another baffles me. yet again, i am thankful to not have those dynamics in my family.

op, in your shoes i would talk to my parents openly about this, but perhaps you dont have that kind of relationship?

Sparklingbrook · 08/02/2015 10:29

I am the child that lives closest to our parents. The words 'fawning' made me uncomfortable.
If anything needs sorting or doing then DH or I help out, because we live closer than anyone else, not because we want to get our mitts on anything. It just makes sense.

If the OP was reworded it may have got a better reaction.

Trickydecision · 08/02/2015 10:40

OP, you did yourself no favours by using the word 'fawn', inevitable that a load of posters will pile in on you for that.

These sort of threads also always attact plenty of sanctimonious remarks about it being disgusting to talk about inheritances and to dare to think ahead to when your parents die. I suspect a lot of this is fired by jealousy by those with no prospective inheritance.

IKnewYou's post had it spot on.

entiledornot · 08/02/2015 11:11

Against my better judgement I reread some of the replies.

2 times a year might not seem like a lot for some but dh and I only get to spend 1 day a week together and I really don't like going back home tbh as im totally stranded there as its the middle of nowhere and I have to ask for a lift anywhere. Its not really possible to get there and back in a day on public transport. However parents are both retired and could come visit me (both have car s and I don't), I visit them a lot more then they ever visit me.

I say fawn as they seem to try and outdo each other with their "kindness". Parents are both in good health and abel bodied. They don't need this help round the house, they have a very large pension and can well afford to pay people to do these jobs. No I won't be sending money to a gardener for them as they have way more money than me, and many multiples more disposable income than me. Even if they both spent the rest of their lives in care there would still be a life changing amount left over (although I think the government cap care fees at 70k).

Some of the assumptions here are horrible and silly considering the information I've shared.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 08/02/2015 11:20

I think a lot of families talk about wills, money etc if there are sizable sums inolved. Doesn't mean you are gredy graspers - it's just part of life and family discussions. We have discused it in regard to my family and my husbands. Ideally I'd rather see all parents in the poition where they spent their money having fun.

Sparklingbrook · 08/02/2015 11:22

Ok. But what can you do about the situation?

If your parents have made their wills,have you been told what's in them?

silveroldie2 · 08/02/2015 14:20

You also appear to have forgotten that if your parents need to go into care accommodation, their house would have to be sold to pay which could result in there being little or nothing left for any of you. So I wouldn't worry about whether you will get your share or not.

woollyjumpers · 08/02/2015 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 08/02/2015 14:26

you seem to resent your parents for having 2 cars and more money than you

you resent your siblings efforts to help your parents and say they try to outdo each other

you all seem to be discussing what'll be left even though your parents are still able bodied

your parents dont visit you much even though they aren't housebound or short of cash

I can guess you arent too close to your siblings

sorry, but you dont sound like a nice family at all.

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 14:34

Well one of my siblings lived 300 miles away from our wonderful mum but still managed to visit at least 6 times per year. Plus take her on holiday when she was in better health. I lived 30miles away and saw her weekly. Those living on the doorstep 2 to 3 times per week. We all inherited the same but would give it back in a heartbeat to have her stlill with us. None of us fawned over her. We just did what we could to make her life more comfortable.

salauds · 08/02/2015 14:53

OP sometimes you're better off speaking to a friend who knows you and your family, rather than here where people can be judgemental, unkind and holier than thou.

Sparklingbrook · 08/02/2015 14:53

or a solicitor maybe.....

NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/02/2015 14:59

Inheritance threads always bring out the haters on MN. Personally I can't understand any parent who doesn't split their estate more or less equally between their children. So I think YANBU.

bigbluestars · 08/02/2015 15:06

noarmani- really? As I mentioned my mother gave me her home 10 years ago. My sister doesn't even know.

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 15:10

I would have felt very uncomfortable accepting that bigblue

bigbluestars · 08/02/2015 15:14

Really angel- you think that no circumstance would dictate that?

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 15:25

I guess I am just thinking about my relationship with family and couldn't imagine anyone in our family doing anything. Guess if zi read dtately homes thread I may feel different.

Viviennemary · 08/02/2015 15:27

You can't just gift over a house like that. Your sister could easily stir up trouble if she wanted.

oldgrandmama · 08/02/2015 15:33

Got to add my thoughts. I'm in my seventies, obviously jogging on rather fast towards the Grim Reaper. I have two middle aged children. My daughter lives very near - six or seven minutes in the car. Son further away, an hour or so driving. So obviously I see much more of daughter and her family. And when I was seriously ill with pneumonia (twice) daughter was doing a lot of caring, and son came up when he could.

I wouldn't dream of thinking 'ah, daughter does more, so she gets more when I shuffle off ...' And neither of my kids would ever think I should - I can confidently say it would never cross their minds.

As for thinking it's not on to discuss what happens when a parent dies, as some do - I disagree. I've given my two children a document titled 'What to do when I'm gone'. It tells them all they need to know to sort out stuff when I die, from my disposal (burial rather than cremation) to where everything is in my files - bank, savings, insurance, utilities, council tax, pension etc. etc. etc. What to do with my cat, should she outlive me. Where my Will is, and my Power of Attorney (with my solicitor, who is also a family member). There is also a list detailing, with photographs, who has what when it comes to my jewellery and watches (all agreed with my kids). I've also made a list of people to tell when I die - names, emails, tel. nos. Every year I update this document as necessary - changed insurers, for example, or added more people to tell (or taken off those who've died before me!)

All in all, the entire document runs to 15 pages. To make it easier to read, I've colour coded the different sections and I actually quite enjoy producing the thing, not feeling depressed or miserable at all.

In NO way do my children, or their spouses, think I am being 'morbid'. After all, we're all going to die one day - I am a realist. Instead, my kids are grateful that I've made it as simple as I can for them to sort out when I go. They've seen it themselves, with friends who have had a god almighty mess to untangle, especially when one adds relatives to the mix who feel aggrieved over being left out, or not left what they'd expected etc.

I do understand, though, that for many people, any mention that they might not be around for ever is highly distressing. Maybe I'm a bit of a cold realist, but I hate the idea of leaving a mess when I die that causes the people I love best in the world a lot work and distress as they try to unravel it all.

I think the OP in this thread sounds a little bitter, for some reason, with her term 'fawning' to describe her sisters. But give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she was feeling a bit pissed off when she wrote her post.

As a matter of interest, if OP's parents lived in, say, France, according to Napoleonic Law, children CAN'T be disinherited. Think this applies to other European countries too, but can't be bothered to Google it. Anyway, in the UK, OP's parents can leave it to the three sisters, the two sisters, the Donkey Sanctuary, the Cats' Home, a political party, or any bloody thing they like. Or not leave a Will at all (which would actually work in the OP's favour!) But if the parents leave a Will but leave out OPL, OP can't do a thing about it, unless she can prove that her parents were in some way supporting her at the time of their death (though other wiser legally minded MNers will know more about this).

Sallyingforth · 08/02/2015 15:35

I really hope that the parents leave everything to a charity. Then all the children will have been treated equally.

bigbluestars · 08/02/2015 15:45

Viviennemary- "You can't just gift over a house like that. Your sister could easily stir up trouble if she wanted."

Why not? And what trouble could she stir up?

Viviennemary · 08/02/2015 15:54

There are limits as to the amounts that can be gifted each year. So she could inform the inland revenue. Also if you also own or part own another property you could be hit with capital gains tax when you sell. If you are married then your partner would have a claim on this property if you divorced but that hasn't got anything to do with your sister. The pitfalls of doing this outweight the advantages. It's not usually considered to be a good idea.

CPtart · 08/02/2015 16:18

YANBU. If parents decide to leave their estate to their children they it should be split equally regardless of circumstance. It doesn't matter if you are a millionaire living in Timbuktoo, you should be entitled to the same.
Far too many older people use inheritance as a bargaining tool and emotional blackmail which is just as distasteful as children plotting what they may or may not get before parents are gone.