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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think relationships can't be equal unless there is shared money.

120 replies

Bananayellow · 07/02/2015 07:54

I know a lady whose DH is a really high earner. She is a cleaner and works unsociable hours. They both have separate finances and they pay 50/50 for the household/children expenses. Obviously this leaves him with an enormous disposable income and her with very little.

He wears designer clothes. She doesn't. He bought a lovely house recently that she didn't even get to see before they completed, although she was excitedly showing everyone the photos. He then bought a horse which she wouldn't have wanted, but now likes and is expected to help look after. They don't go on many holidays as he can't leave the business but when they do, they are very nice holidays although he chooses where they go.

She just sees it that she gets to live in a gorgeous house that she couldn't afford to otherwise and has some fabulous holidays - which they are.

I see it as a very unfair and unequal relationship where he has all the power.

I know that people who keep their finances separate, may not be this extreme but aibu to think that unless all money is family money and spending money is divided equally, then it is not a fair relationship and they are not working together as a team.

OP posts:

Enidblytonrules · 10/02/2015 13:41

I also can identify with Ragwort - dh and I set up a joint account on marriage - I gave up paid work for several years to have children - went back to work when dh took early retirement but money has NEVER been an issue - we tend to have the same attitude and views on spending and never query what the other is spending or saving- total trust etc.

yonisareforever · 10/02/2015 13:44

I think its maddness, I wouldnt do this to my DH , I wouldnt be able to live with myself.

FluffyMcnuffy · 10/02/2015 16:54

All money is joint in this house. All into one pot which we both spend out of as needed. Anything else wouldn't feel like a proper marriage to me.

FluffyMcnuffy · 10/02/2015 16:56

I'd hate to have money put in to my own sole account - would feel far too much like pocket money!

Writerwannabe83 · 10/02/2015 17:35

fluffy - I also find that concept really odd. My dad used to give my mom an 'allowance' when she was a SAHM to me and my sister and I have always thought it a very strange way of money working in a marriage.

Apatite1 · 10/02/2015 18:29

All our money is joint. More accurately, he works and hands over all money to me as I make all the financial decisions. I work too, but earn significantly less.

KERALA1 · 10/02/2015 18:30

Joint here obviously. If you did divorce all on table anyway for judge to decide who gets what.

Shared an office with a lady who had split finances with her dh was so strange. Both high earners (magic circle solicitor and barrister) she was always on the phone haggling with her dh you paid this so I shall pay that. Seemed a huge waste of energy and very odd. Childcare and anything to with dc fell to her - but they were his dc too! Weird.

Apatite1 · 10/02/2015 18:35

Oh god it irritates me when women pick up all childcare costs. WTF?? They're his kids too! Grrrr.

Burke1 · 10/02/2015 18:39

I think household bills, food bills and so on should be shared 50-50 but your disposable income should remain your own. If one person works 60 hours a week in a very stressful job it makes no sense that they get the same amount to spend as the other person who might only work 20 a week.

Viviennemary · 10/02/2015 18:39

I agree that it's more a mindset. Different arrangements suit different people. It wouldn't have worked for me if DH earned massively more than I did even if he shared. I wouldn't have felt an equal partner.

NickyEds · 10/02/2015 19:30

So is the partner who works 60 hours going to a really nice restaurant for a meal going to say to their partner who works 20 hours "get yourself a chippy tea on your way home"!!!! Or "Well I'm going skiing in the holidays, enjoy your weekend in Blackpool dear"!

Apatite1- My friend has just had to "borrow" money from her DH to pay the nursery bill for their dc. She said it was bad because she still "owed" him for some of the kids Christmas presents

CalicoBlue · 10/02/2015 20:37

I don't agree that a relationship is not equal if money is not shared. A relationship is all about a partnership and finding your own relationship balance.

DH and I are both on our second marriage. I have two kids who live with us, he has one that is only here EOW. He earns 4 x what I do. I could not afford to live in our lovely home without him. We divide the joint household payments including childcare, 65/35 with him paying more. After that we each have our own money. He obviously has a lot more that I do. DH will pay for dinner and outings too. I manage the house, with a cleaner/housekeeper three days a week, and make sure that it runs well and that DH is looked after and does not have much to worry about at home, then he can focus on his high stress job and earn the money that I can not.

I would not dream of having access to his money, as a PP said, he went to university, studied hard and works very hard in his job.

It is very difficult to see into anyone else's marriage, even people we think we know well, we should not take anything at face value. We all find our own balance.

maninawomansworld · 10/02/2015 20:41

I know different people have different ideas but I find it very weird when married people have separate money.
DW and I share everything, all accounts have both of our names on (except where it is tax efficient not to do so) and everything we have is shared 50/50.

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:43

They aren't a real couple then are they.

He's an arse and she's along for the ride.

GokTwo · 10/02/2015 20:45

Agreed Calico. It's a bit ott that some have described any other way of living as weird or "not a proper marriage". I like having separate finances to DW as does she. I've always been quite an independent person and merging everything like that would be very uncomfortable for me. It works fine. I think in any relationship if someone is mean or controlling it is unpleasant but that can happen when couples live together and share money or not.

Ragwort · 10/02/2015 20:48

Calico but you probably have a fairly 'equal' relationship with your DH even if finances are not 100% shared - presumably you don't dress in rags whilst your DH wears designer suits? I can never forget the thread where a mumsnetter couldn't afford to buy herself a new pair of glasses and her DH wouldn't pay for them out of 'his' money. .

Nolim · 10/02/2015 20:58

Precisely ragworth. A partnership is based on respect and mutal goals. Not on a shared joint account.

The point being that saying "if they dont have one joint account they dont have a proper marriage" or something to that effect is nonsense.

Postchildrenpregranny · 10/02/2015 21:01

First three months of our marriage I was unemployed (DH high earner). Next 3.5 years earned about half what DH did . Then went pt between children.
DH made redundant when DD2 was 21m so I went back to work and was only/main earner for 8 years. Worked my way up the ladder to pretty good salary. DH went back to work on pretty much same salary as me .Scroll forward 12 years,I retired on decent pension .2 m later DH retired but not claiming pension til he's 65 .
When we married we converted his bank account to a joint account, which he administers . (He handles all our finances and always has done-I don't know where all the money is but I know exactly where to find out should I need to. I trust him implicitly .). I kept my own account and credit card (which I pay off from my account) and have always had a small (sometimes tiny)'allowance' which is mine alone. DH spends from joint account , and has his own credit card , which he pays of from joint account , which doesn't bother me as I rarely look at it . I spend fairly freely from the joint account but would always discuss a 'major' purchase : he will warn me if he wants to to go easy for a bit.
What's mine is his and vice versa . We've never contributed relative to earnings . About 75% of our savings comes from legacies from his side of the family-he wouldn't dream of considering it 'his' .
I was discussing bank accounts with 4 friends (av age 60) the other evening and I was the only one of us with my own account,which I found astonishing.But one is a widow and the other three handle the family finances...
I find it very odd not to consider each partner's earnings as just money that goes into the pot, tbh. And so did the friends I was with ,one of whom was a SAHM for 18 years

CalicoBlue · 10/02/2015 21:08

Ragwort

The woman in the OP does not wear rags, it states that he wears designer clothes and she does not. A big difference between non designer and rags.

I know that some friends think that DH is controlling with money, where I do not. I doubt if any of us really know what goes on in other peoples relationship. The relationship described in OP does sound odd, but I am sure they have their own balance.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2015 21:37

Regarding the designer clothes thing - it could just be that she's not interested in designer clothes, couldn't it?

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