To think relationships can't be equal unless there is shared money.

[Bananayellow]

I know a lady whose DH is a really high earner. She is a cleaner and works unsociable hours. They both have separate finances and they pay 50/50 for the household/children expenses. Obviously this leaves him with an enormous disposable income and her with very little.

He wears designer clothes. She doesn't. He bought a lovely house recently that she didn't even get to see before they completed, although she was excitedly showing everyone the photos. He then bought a horse which she wouldn't have wanted, but now likes and is expected to help look after. They don't go on many holidays as he can't leave the business but when they do, they are very nice holidays although he chooses where they go.

She just sees it that she gets to live in a gorgeous house that she couldn't afford to otherwise and has some fabulous holidays - which they are.

I see it as a very unfair and unequal relationship where he has all the power.

I know that people who keep their finances separate, may not be this extreme but aibu to think that unless all money is family money and spending money is divided equally, then it is not a fair relationship and they are not working together as a team.

Going in your title alone, I have a friend and there relationship is completely equal, and in fact they never argue about money and they keep completely separate finances.
They do not have children, have been together 30ish years.
When they met they had a similar income, kept own money and accounts and split everything 50%, she changed jobs and although her income reduced massively she wanted to keep the 50% split (husband did offer), this meant after the 50% bills for periods, she saved a small amount, him much bigger and he had a lot more disposable income.
She said she chose to prioritise having more time to herself to do other things and a less stressful working environment, her husband chose to continue working in the more stressful environment and having less time in the evenings etc. Her thought process is why should she make this choice which she saw as a benefit to herself and then have her husband paying an extra %.
Works for them, as long as the finances are not abusive, people should be free to crack on and do what ever works for them.

DW and I have completely separate finances. Joint accounts don't exist here, so I just pay what (I'm told) is half the outgoings and then we keep the rest of the money in our own accounts. That said, if she never saved anything and lived from paycheck to paycheck I would probably be concerned, but we are both financially responsible and save quite a bit. We got married quite late and are both a bit set in our ways, and we don't have any children, so I don't think either of us would have been able to put up with a system of "all purchases over twenty quid have to be discussed" as some posters apparently do.

No way would I buy a house without making sure that she was happy with it, however, unless it just as an investment. If the plan was for us both to live there, we would certainly discuss it.

badlad- to some people £20 is a massive amount of money hence I am assuming the need to discuss the outgoing?

Obviously other families have different dynamics. But with no kids, both of us working, decades of being economically active and having got used to being financially independent, it would have been rather a shock to the system to have to get used to getting the OK for every purchase we wanted to make. Especially because we got married around 40 and were totally used to not having to do that, so it wouldn't work for us.

One of the many reasons I don't want kids is so that it is more likely that my money will be sufficient, but that is another discussion.

So you would resent subsidising dw financially if you were to have a child?

That's interesting Hedgehog. I did not know that Asda did overseas deliveries either.

So you would resent subsidising dw financially if you were to have a child?

What a great example of putting words into my mouth (assuming you were talking to me).

No, of course not, although she earns more than me at present, so it probably be the other way round. But having kids has never been what I wanted for my life, which is just as well as my wife can't have them. And therefore neither of us either expects or wants to combine finances.

If we were to have a child, we would obviously have to rethink the set-up.

Well I wasn't sure, which is why there was a question mark, but that is what it sounded like you were trying to say. Sorry if I got the wrong end if the stick.

I did not know that Asda did overseas deliveries either.

Neither did I. We stock up when in the UK. But I've just looked and they do now.

DP earns 4x what I do but we don't pool our money. He however takes responsibility for the majority of the bills, holiday costs, day trips and any large purchase. I have small outgoings from my wage ie. water bill and council tax - the rest is mine to spend as I like. It works for us. But there is no way my DP would be walking around in designer gear and me not as described by OP.

We have separate accounts, but access to each other's with Internet banking iyswim. DH pays the majority of the bills from his account. DH pays mortgage, council tax mobile phone bills Etc I pay for childcare out of my wages, and a few other (smallish) I pay for treats etc I'm left with less money each month as I'm part time but husband will transfer what I need as and when I want it.

We were supposed to open a joint account when we got married but never did, was on the list of things we have never got around to.

I'm never left short and vice versa I get paid at the start of the month my DH in the middle so we always have some cash flow. It works for us and we are happy that way.

Ok Hedgehog I give up troll hunting for today. .

YABU. DH and I have very different views on spending money. If we had to have a joint account I would either divorce him, kill him, or have a total breakdown just before we got made homeless.

We don't have shared finances but we both know how much the other has. We pay bills according to our different salaries.Neither of us would make a big purchase without discussing it first.

So yy YABU to think your friend's relationship is representative of all relationships where money isn't shared.

Ok Hedgehog I give up troll hunting for today.

:o

I'm actually quite made up. I've discovered Asda deliver to Sweden today. I feel like I've won the lottery.

I think as long as they're both happy with the set-up, it's absolutely fine.

I think yabu in indicating that relationships are not equal unless all money is family money. But yanbu in suggesting that this relationship is unequal (depending, for me, on the full extent of the facts i.e. children together or married versus no children together unmarried, plus how long they have been together/level of commitment). My husband and I feel our relationship is equal but all money is not shared. Instead we pay into the joint account a total sum of money that covers bills and extras, and our contribution to that figure is based on our percentage earnings which changes with pay rises/decreases. Atm we are each paying 50% of that figure per month as we earn around the same. However in the past I have paid less and in the future will pay more. This means our spending money is pro rata. I think this feels fair. The situation may change when we have children. Obviously if one of us gives up work or works so little that the residue is hardly anything then we will no doubt adjust this so that the lesser earner gets more spending money. I didnt feel this was unfair when I was at the lesser end of it as I was earning less due to my life choice which meant he had to pay more of our bills but in turn I had less spare money (but a fair percentage). I think we did this because it felt right at the time - we are not in jobs though that leave one of the pair vastly disadvantaged. Also the higher earner tends to pay more percentage to big treats too. I am self employed so at the end of the tax year if I have earnt more than we predicted I give my partner the difference. That may seem odd but it suits him as he then has savings.

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't consider a relationship equal unless all money was pooled and each person had equal spending money. I couldn't be in a relationship where this wasn't the case.

It's up to other people what they do though.

I don't agree with your title, but that set up is not fair or on.

I have spending issues which I am trying hard to overcome so DH gives me an allowance every month, I also have dd DLA paid into my account half goes into her account, and CB.

We have our own separate accounts plus two joint accounts. A current and savings. We each put what we can afford into the joint account which pays for household things, family things and treats we both want. Our own accounts serve our personal needs.

For example - we pay the rent out of the joint account but I pay for my car out of my account.

The joint account buys a DVD we both want, but I pay for new shoes for me from my money.

Sorry IsItMeOr but it works for us, no couple is the same so I appreciate that what works for us might not work for others.

The missus chose to go part time and to reduce her earnings so there's no resentment.

Tyzer I would accept that couples are different.

Out of interest, why did your wife choose to work part time?

Because, if it was to provide childcare for your shared children, then I would certainly see it as a joint decision, taken in the context of total family earnings/outgoings, and a joint responsibility to fund - so the loss of her earnings would be borne equally across your finances. After all, the other parent can only earn because their children are being cared for.

But perhaps it was for some other reason that she no longer works full time.

IsItMeOr we don't have children, it was her personal choice to work term time only. She's also not my wife. we are engaged.

We don't have pooled funds or a joint account because when we did it was a major contributor to our separation and we agreed when we got back together that we'd never do that again.

Our attitudes to money and spending habits are just too different. dh likes to spend day to day and I like to save and then splurge. If he saw money in the account he thought it was there to spend, whereas I was happy to see it grow and very unhappy to see it disappear.

I both earn and have more money and I make the big financial decisions. We looked at our incomings and outgoings and decided who would pay for which things, and how much we would each commit to save and then when we want to do things that involve spending large amounts of money we consider who can take the hit and decide accordingly.