To think relationships can't be equal unless there is shared money.

[Bananayellow]

I know a lady whose DH is a really high earner. She is a cleaner and works unsociable hours. They both have separate finances and they pay 50/50 for the household/children expenses. Obviously this leaves him with an enormous disposable income and her with very little.

He wears designer clothes. She doesn't. He bought a lovely house recently that she didn't even get to see before they completed, although she was excitedly showing everyone the photos. He then bought a horse which she wouldn't have wanted, but now likes and is expected to help look after. They don't go on many holidays as he can't leave the business but when they do, they are very nice holidays although he chooses where they go.

She just sees it that she gets to live in a gorgeous house that she couldn't afford to otherwise and has some fabulous holidays - which they are.

I see it as a very unfair and unequal relationship where he has all the power.

I know that people who keep their finances separate, may not be this extreme but aibu to think that unless all money is family money and spending money is divided equally, then it is not a fair relationship and they are not working together as a team.

YABU although the set up you describe doesn't sound very equal, YABU to generalise it. I am a SAHM so no income whatsoever from me, DH and I have made equal sacrifices, he certainly doesn't spend a lot on himself and financial decisions are joint ones. My contribution isn't financial but it is equal and the power is distributed evenly.

DH and I have a joint account and then we each have a separate account.

Our salaries automatically get paid into our joint account and then we have a direct debit from that account which sends £400 to my
DH's account and £400 to mine.

Everything related to the house, cars, DS, mobile phones, holidays etc is paid out of the joint account and then we each spend our own £400 however we wish.

DH earns about £450 a month more than me but he would never want it that he has more personal spending money than me. I try to imagine the scenario if I was the one who earned more and I would never want DH be with less spending money than me just because he earned less.

Imo your friend isn't independent or equal to her husband I think it is financial abuse theyvare paying half everything but she is seeing no benefits that isn't an equal marriage

You know if your friend is happy with her life then that is fair enough

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't consider a relationship equal unless all money was pooled and each person had equal spending money. I couldn't be in a relationship where this wasn't the case.

So if one person earns 60K after tax, and the other could, but doesn't work, for no other reason than they don't want to, the working person should always hand over 30K?

My husband and I have approximately equal and comfortable salaries, very few outgoings and hence, healthy disposable income. We each pay an equal amount into a joint account each month, and anything left over is our own. I have no idea how much he has left after he pays his phone etc (or even what that "etc" might be).

I would never expect him to share unquestioningly with me, nor me with him. Fair enough if I were at home with children or something, but otherwise no. If he (or I) earned masses more than the other, I would probably expect a few holidays treats to be covered, but I certainly wouldn't expect automatic access to his funds.

I find all this 'a relationship isn't equal unless all money is shared' chat really bizarre.
My dh earns loads, because he worked hard through his twenties to get his degree and masters etc. whilst I dossed through my mediocre degree then went travelling. Then I chose an unstressed career with long lunches and early finishes. He worked long hours.
I don't for a second think we should pool our money. IMO, It would be completely unfair on him (though he would happily share).

So, my point is, everyone's situation is different and they will have their own reasons for doing as they do.,

It's an alien principle to me. My DH is a high earner, whereas, before becoming a SAHM, I maxed out at 50k in an artsy field. The money he earns is jointly ours. There's no asking for permission if I need something, but we do sit down and discuss large expenses, such as house renovations or holidays. I would hate to be with someone who lorded it over me and didn't value my non-financial contributions to the household.

I'd feel the same way if the situation were reversed. In fact, in a previous relationship, I was the higher earner and paid more rent etc.

That's very unfair for the wife. I earned more than Dh for a few years and paid more towards bills etc. Now he earns more and pays more into the joint account than me. This money goes towards all bills, child care, mortgage, food, savings accounts etc. We are then left with equal amounts of disposable income to do with as we want.

In our house I'm a SAHM and Dp is the sole earner. All money goes into one account from which bills are paid etc and we both have equal access to it. We've been together since we were teenagers so didn't really bring separate money to the relationship. Everything we have we sort of came to together.

To those who separate their "spending" money can I just ask how it works??? How do you know what comes out of joint account and what comes out of personal spending? If you have kids do you use your money for stuff for them? If one of you runs out of money do you ask your partner for more? Who pays if you go out for dinner or on a family day out?

God I'm so nosey aren't I! I totally understand the theory behind separate finances but just imagine that practically it would be a nightmare.

Our joint account is for absolutely everything.

The mortgage.
The bills.
TV licence.
Council Tax.
Virgin.
Food shopping.
Our mobile phones.
Our car insurance, tax and petrol.
Childcare costs.
Money put aside for holidays and savings.
Pet Insurance, gym memberships
Anything we need to buy for DS.
All birthday and Christmas presents.
Any work related costs.
Just anything and everything.

The £400 'personal spending money' we each get is to be used however we wish. For example, I might use some of mine to treat myself to some beauty treatments and DH may use some of his to go the football every week. It's just ours to spend, or save, however we wish.

Nicky we had separate accounts a while ago. Each one of us paid some of the bills and we would use a spreadsheet to calculate the difference every month, then the one who paid less would transfer money into the other accounts. Worked pretty well for us and only took a few minutes per month.

Nicky - how does separate spending money work?
I'm a sahm with a little job, dh woh. Dh pays mortgage, all bills, all extras, every time we go out. He also pays an amount I've requested in to my account each month.
From this, I buy food, all kids stuff, and all my stuff.
We are lucky enough to have more coming in than either of us can spend, so we've never really had to have a structured system.

I have a recent disability which would make finding employment practically impossible. Dh is a high earner so even if I was able to earn a small salary it would not make any difference to our lives. We have a joint account and although dh doesn't mind what I buy, I only buy what's needed, whereas Dh is the spender. And that I suppose is inequality as if I earned the money I would be saying WTF are you spending this month?! But how can j complain when it's him that's earning it?

runny - it's really difficult isn't it. When I was on maternity and my salary was far less for many months followed by two months of no salary I felt very guilty about spending money from the joint account. I went without, didn't treat myself to anything and felt like I had to explain why I was spending money on anything, even when I was using it to buy petrol. DH told me that I was being absolutely ridiculous but I couldn't help it, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was spending 'his' money.

See, that's exactly why I don't want a joint account. I would feel like I was spending his money, even if I shouldn't, and even though he wouldn't care, I just would. So, for me, him transferring an amount in to my account works. I feel like it's my 'wage'.

We did the whole 'work out what us equal spending money' then split the costs ages ago. After that I got a better paying job and then a pay rise.

We all know that the bills haven't been recalculated since then but nothing's said. The reason is I don't fritter. I'm the one with the designer shoes but outside of my Kindle habit I really don't spend much. Thus he's happy, because we get random extra stuff bought (sofas, holidays) without any pinch.

I would prefer an even split and if the reverse was the case I'd be arguing it until it was 50/50, but facts are facts and me babysitting the extra £500 per month does us as a household more good. I still feel a bit guilty as we're outside the principles we agreed (but like I say, we all know we are and in practice probably no different, but the extra I earn now isn't frittered).

I still maintain though that a starting point of everyone is left with the same (if not complexities) is a good one and DP suggested we did that rather than me saving the difference between current and previous incomes I'd sort it straight away.

yes yabu.
none of your business

If dh and I had joint accounts I think we'd constantly be monitoring what the other was spending and that would be stressful. My income is higher than dh's and I don't worry about what he orders on Amazon. Likewise, he doesn't worry about what I'm spending on cat toys

I'd go crazy if it was joint.

hidden - I empathise about the issue with cat toys!!

That's why I could never have 100% of our money in a joint account!!

The fact we each have our own spending money is great as I don't have to care how many pairs of trainers he buys and he doesn't have to care about how much I spend spoiling my cats

I think one of the keys is having a similar approach to financial matters - DH and I opened a joint bank account the day we set up home together (26 years ago ) - at the time we had broadly similar salaries and we both bought roughly the same 'equity' from houses we had owned individually.

I stayed at home for many years (by choice) to raise our family and have always had access to the bank account, we have never 'checked' with each other how much we have to spend personally - but then we are obviously fortunate in that we have never been on the breadline but neither do we have expensive tastes. We both value savings, pension plans, investments etc.

I have never felt less than 'equal' to my DH in our relationship, which to me is much more than just a financial arrangement . . Not to say we have the perfect marriage but one thing we never argue over is money .

I understand separate finances work for many couples, but I recall one couple (now divorced ) where the wife would spend £X if her DH spent £X - regardless of whether or not she wanted to buy anything. . My DB and his wife have separate finances and there seem to be endless discussions rows on who pays for what etc - it all must get a bit tedious.

I agree with the OP. I think the issue of unpaid housework and childcare is a massive one - and until childcare is shared equally on a 50/50 basis (which would necessitate big changes to employment practices), women will continue to lose out if they stay at home and raise a family unless household income is seen as a collective thing.

I also think that wages don't reflect value or skill or hard work, as some PPs have suggested. A healthcare assistant does a vital, vital job but is paid peanuts. People in the arts often earn very little, despite working hard.

More controversially, I think if you're married, you should probably have the same financial priorities. I just don't see how you can be that close if you don't value and prioritise the same things. I know a lot of couples aren't like this, but it seems more like a convenient working relationship than a real, deep partnership of the soul.

That is a weird set up - I agree - but all relationships are different and people trade off. A beauty with a person who is less attractive, an old with a younger person whatever.

People get into relationships for security, children, a house, whatever.

I don't believe any relationships can be equal in all aspects but there is probably a balance in most.

Ragwort - our set up sounds similar to yours. Dp and i both have very similar attitudes toward money and even when we had far less than we do now it's just something we've never argued about. At times in our relationship I've out-earned him (briefly!) and for the forseeable future he'll be the sole earner but we've always seen all of the money as ours. Now I'm at home with DS (and not earning)it doesn't occur to me to tell him what I spend and vica versa, so separating the money would just be a PITA. I suppose if you knew you'd feel guilty or be constantly checking up on your partner it would make more sense.