Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think relationships can't be equal unless there is shared money.

120 replies

Bananayellow · 07/02/2015 07:54

I know a lady whose DH is a really high earner. She is a cleaner and works unsociable hours. They both have separate finances and they pay 50/50 for the household/children expenses. Obviously this leaves him with an enormous disposable income and her with very little.

He wears designer clothes. She doesn't. He bought a lovely house recently that she didn't even get to see before they completed, although she was excitedly showing everyone the photos. He then bought a horse which she wouldn't have wanted, but now likes and is expected to help look after. They don't go on many holidays as he can't leave the business but when they do, they are very nice holidays although he chooses where they go.

She just sees it that she gets to live in a gorgeous house that she couldn't afford to otherwise and has some fabulous holidays - which they are.

I see it as a very unfair and unequal relationship where he has all the power.

I know that people who keep their finances separate, may not be this extreme but aibu to think that unless all money is family money and spending money is divided equally, then it is not a fair relationship and they are not working together as a team.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 07/02/2015 08:44

For me it comes down to equal spending money and equal access to income. Anything less than that is unfair in my opinion. Dh and I pool all our income and split our spending money equally. I am now a sahm but for periods of time I was the breadwinner and we did the same thing. We operate as a team and share everything. I've been in a previous marriage like the one you describe in your op and I ended up hating him and left.

Original poster

Bananayellow · 07/02/2015 08:44

Yes I think it is the equal spending money bit that is key for me.

OP posts:

Mrsstarlord · 07/02/2015 08:48

If she is happy Banana what's it got to do with anyone else? (Have to say that my idea of heaven is someone who books holidays for me so I don't have to spend hours thinking about it - I want to go but am lazy don't want to bother planning it.

Original poster

Bananayellow · 07/02/2015 08:50

I don't actually know if she is happy about it or not. She seems happy but I don't know her well enough to know her real feelings.

OP posts:

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 07/02/2015 08:54

Upto them how they work things. I disagree all money is family money, adults have the right to use their salary as they wish. Some go for joint and others remaim separate.

Mrsstarlord · 07/02/2015 08:55

But you know her well enough to have a full understanding of her financial arrangements and post about them on the Internet?
Just as a point of consideration, people outside my close friends and family often comment on how unlikely a couple DH and I are and have been predicting that our relationship is doomed since we got together. Actually most of the time we have a very happy and healthy relationship and have had for 15 years - if you don't know,don't guess. It's insulting.

Primadonnagirl · 07/02/2015 08:59

I don't think people need to have equal spending money or shared accounts to be in an equal relationships.Some posters seem to think one partner earning more has to be rebalanced in some way .Theres nothing wrong in one earning more. DH earns more than I do so pays a larger percentage of our bills. But then we both have our own money left over to dispose as we wish..so inevitably he has more.But that doesn't bother me cos he earns more!! If he had more spare cash cos he wasn't paying his share that would be a different matter

GokTwo · 07/02/2015 09:00

I see what you mean banana and 2 people living as a family with hugely disparate lifestyle does seem unfair. In my case though I work pt and have done for 12 years. Yes I do things in the house and help my mil who is elderly but I still have a lot more down time than DW. She's never once suggested I increase my days at work and never moans about her demanding, full time job. Why shouldn't she have a bit more spending money than me?

Skatingfastonthinice · 07/02/2015 09:01

So it's really about the fact that you disapprove of her choices, and that she's living in a way that you couldn't bear?
You may just have to accept that your opinion and hers differ.

GokTwo · 07/02/2015 09:02

Dd is at high school so no Dc at home in the day.

IsItMeOr · 07/02/2015 09:04

I don't think shared accounts are essential, but I do think that in an equal partnership, any discretionary spending money should be equally accessible to both partners.

So I think Tyzer's set up is unfair and has the potential to lead to resentment.

Hulababy · 07/02/2015 09:05

We pool all moor money though actually, although dh earns far far more than me, more savings money is in my name.

We both have equal access to the accounts and spend money equally. With big purchases we would always talk first then but but don't ask permission as such. Really big purchases like holidays, cars and houses are joint decisions.

We have done this since living together, even before marriage. I initially earned more than dh though not really by much and now he earns more than ten times plus what I do. But the same system applies. He was only really able to earn that amount by the joint decisions we made regarding who looked after dd and who was able to be flexible enough to manage childcare when she was at school etc.

It works well for us for all money to be quality shared. There is no bad feeling on either side and there is never any feeling that one person is hard done by or one person is taken advantage of.

For us a joint income is a joint decision and makes us equal partnerships with each bring different things to the relationship.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 07/02/2015 09:08

Hedgehog How does this work for you?

LokiBear · 07/02/2015 09:08

Banana - I use the 'extra' disposable income to pay for holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out etc. So it actually evens out. My savings will pay 4 months worth of mortgage when we have another baby to take the strain off of both of us when I'm just on stat pay. It works for us and DH is happy. If he wasn't, we'd adjust it.

HedgehogsDontBite · 07/02/2015 09:12

equally accessible to both partners

That's the key for me. DH holds all the money but we both have the same access to it as a resource. As it happens I spend a lot more than him on clothes because he's happy with a £4 pair of jeans from Asda, mine cost about £80. We both get what we want want/need.

nippey · 07/02/2015 09:13

I earn much more than DH, but we share equally. It has never occurred to me not too, I personally would hate for him to feel less independent or reliant on me so we get the same spending money and all bigger purchases are discussed and agreed on together. It's whatever works for them though, everyone is different.

MrsTawdry · 07/02/2015 09:15

We pool our money but like Loki I have more to spend. Women need more...we have cosmetics to pay for and stuff. DH has enough...he buys very expensive clothes whereas I don't so I have more to show (doesn't last like DH's though!)

My DH earns more than I do but he thinks it proper that I have more to spend oweing to things like my hair cuts costing more than his barber trip.

Original poster

Bananayellow · 07/02/2015 09:15

loki But it's the fact that *you" use the extra. You are making the decisions. Does DH ask you for the money if he chooses and pays for presents or he goes for days out. It's just the, you are in control of the extras, bit that I can't get my head round. It obviously works for you but it just seems you have more control.

OP posts:

HedgehogsDontBite · 07/02/2015 09:20

Hedgehog How does this work for you?

It's easy because despite DH holding the purse strings, I'm the boss. I do almost all my shopping online and once I get to the payment screen he comes over and pays. Same with booking holidays. I think the fact that we both have AS is a big factor. Neither of us really have anything going on beyond work, home and each other. So whenever I've not had enough myself, he's been with me anyway. DH would be really upset if I was going without while he's not around, but it just isn't an issue.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 07/02/2015 09:20

I see, Hedgehog. I assumed from your first post that the only money you had at your disposal was child benefit. How do you still get child benefit if your DH is a high earner?

eurochick · 07/02/2015 09:21

You can't extrapolate from your friend's awful situation to the generalisation in your title.

We are very happily married. We pool some money for bills (in proportion to our incomes) but keep the rest in our own accounts. We are fortunate in that we are both higher earners so there is plenty to go around. I'm the higher earner but I don't think my husband is being treated unfairly. Most of my extra money goes into savings that ends up being spent on big joint projects.

LokiBear · 07/02/2015 09:21

No I'm not making the decisions - I see how it reads like that. My 'extra' gets saved. We then decide how we want to spend it - we book the holiday together, pick out birthday presents together etc. DH gets equal say in everything. After all of these payments are made, we both have disposable income to do with as we please. In our situation we could both get paid into the same account and then transfer a sum out each. We just don't, we've never needed to. Instead we get paid into our own accounts and transfer money in - my contribution being higher than DH. DH trusts me to save for holidays etc and then spends the savings with me.

LokiBear · 07/02/2015 09:24

We tend to do everything together too, so there is never a time when he would need to ask me for money to pay for anything.

HedgehogsDontBite · 07/02/2015 09:26

Karen I'm not in the UK. It's still paid to everyone here.

Original poster

Bananayellow · 07/02/2015 09:27

Oh ok loki that sounds much less controlling.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5