To want my boyfriend to wash his own socks?

[myhatsonfire]

Hello!

I feel mean about this but also justified in my thoughts. My boyfriend asked me to wash his socks for him this morning. He ran out of clean socks a few days ago and was off work yesterday and the day before, so has had plenty of time to do it. I even texted him to remind him to do it. I am at home today but I'm working.

I wouldn't mind, but this always happens. He runs out of socks/pants/tops because he doesn't take the initiative to check that he has enough of them clean. Then he gets in a strop and makes me feel bad even though it's not my fault. It's generally me who does the housework, unless he's really bored or I moan at him. As a result, our house is generally a mess during the week because I don't have as much time to clean during the week and do most of it at the weekend.

A bit of background: we've been together 5 years and lived together for most of that time. I went to uni during the first few years, now in a fairly well paid, full time job. I'm hoping to go part time next year to do a masters.

He is in his mid twenties and works part time in a customer service job. He's had opportunities to go to uni/get promoted but hasn't taken them up or put effort in. I do most of the housework even though I work more. I do sympathize, because I don't like my job either and it's hard to get a permanent, well paid job at the moment. I'm not sure if he won't try because he's scared of failing.

I get the feeling he doesn't think it's fair that I earn more than him, but I made the effort to get a degree, search for jobs etc. and he hasn't (not that I think he should go to uni if he doesn't want to, or have any snobbery about working in CS - but I hate when people complain about things they can change).

I don't want him to do all the housework, just an equal amount without having ask him all the time. I don't want to run around after him all the time making sure he has clean pants, I'm not his mum!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Should I wash his socks to keep the peace?

Sorry for the essay!

What I don't get are the logistics of the situation.

How exactly does it go? If you are doing an 100% sock wash- does he expect you to go round gathering his dirty socks and to stick them in the wash while he sits round watching you do it?

Or does he bring them to you and you open the washing machine door and switch the machine on?

This is so absurd.

Either way tell him to grow up and fuck off.

You need to make him change by getting tough.

No. You don't.

It's not your job to train this grown man or try to make him change.

People will get away with what they are allowed to.

No. Pisstakers will get away with what they are allowed to.

Kind and decent humans don't take advantage of people just because they can.

"My boyfriend asked me to wash his socks for him this morning."

I assume you laughed and said "do you need me to show you how the washing machine works?"

Though actually what I'd say if one of my kids asked (DH never would) would be "put them in the machine, they'll get washed next time one of us does a load. If it's urgent, empty the washing baskets in the bedrooms and put the wash on now."

(having now read the rest of the thread)

I'm gobsmacked at the concept of anyone having so many socks that they could fill a washing machine load. If I took every sock in our house (two adults, two older teen kids) they wouldn't even come close! Is your house completely full of clothes or something?

No, he sits around pretending socks don't exist while he's at home, then once he's safely at work he calls the GF in a panic and says heeeeelp, I've run out of socks and I can't do them now because I'm working innit. The fact that he could do it when he got home from his short shift is somehow glossed over.

For comparison: DS2, for various reasons, had to come back to live with me for a while in his 20s. I never washed a garment for him; he always did his own. We also have that slow drying arrangement, so he would let me know in advance when he needed a turn at the washing machine. We never had a talk about it, I never laid down the law, he just took responsibility for his own washing. And I am his mum.

(He also did most of the meal planning, half the cooking, his own dish washing, ad hoc vacuuming etc. And paid a decent amount of keep even when he was unemployed or working part-time for a pittance. That's the least a fellow should be doing.)

What stuck out for me is that you want kids but are rethinking this because you think you would do all the work.

Don't rethink having kids, rethink having them with him.

Just think how much you would do round the house if you worked 5 hours a day and he worked full time. Think about whether he would be washing all your stuff, or reminding you that things needed doing after coming home from a full days work. Would he expect you to do pretty much everything. Would you think of asking him to put a load of just your stuff in the washing machine, or would you 1)already have done it or 2) be too embarrassed to?

I know you say you love him and he's nice but actually that isn't always enough to build a future family on. Do you really want to end up doing everything because he thinks you should? He has obviously worked out that if he makes it even a little bit difficult for you to get him to do something then you will do it yourself. This won't get any easier either with children or if he gets a full time job, you will just end up with more to do, he has reached his maximum effort level already.

Do no have children with this man. I mean that kindly. He is telling you what he thinks your role is, and what kind of man he is. Listen.

Come on, we need an update. Who washed the socks? Bet you did