To want my boyfriend to wash his own socks?

[myhatsonfire]

Hello!

I feel mean about this but also justified in my thoughts. My boyfriend asked me to wash his socks for him this morning. He ran out of clean socks a few days ago and was off work yesterday and the day before, so has had plenty of time to do it. I even texted him to remind him to do it. I am at home today but I'm working.

I wouldn't mind, but this always happens. He runs out of socks/pants/tops because he doesn't take the initiative to check that he has enough of them clean. Then he gets in a strop and makes me feel bad even though it's not my fault. It's generally me who does the housework, unless he's really bored or I moan at him. As a result, our house is generally a mess during the week because I don't have as much time to clean during the week and do most of it at the weekend.

A bit of background: we've been together 5 years and lived together for most of that time. I went to uni during the first few years, now in a fairly well paid, full time job. I'm hoping to go part time next year to do a masters.

He is in his mid twenties and works part time in a customer service job. He's had opportunities to go to uni/get promoted but hasn't taken them up or put effort in. I do most of the housework even though I work more. I do sympathize, because I don't like my job either and it's hard to get a permanent, well paid job at the moment. I'm not sure if he won't try because he's scared of failing.

I get the feeling he doesn't think it's fair that I earn more than him, but I made the effort to get a degree, search for jobs etc. and he hasn't (not that I think he should go to uni if he doesn't want to, or have any snobbery about working in CS - but I hate when people complain about things they can change).

I don't want him to do all the housework, just an equal amount without having ask him all the time. I don't want to run around after him all the time making sure he has clean pants, I'm not his mum!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Should I wash his socks to keep the peace?

Sorry for the essay!

Just realised he's only working part-time yet he expects you, working full-time, to wash his clothes!

How many hours/days does he work?

He sounds like a right loser!! Dump him, find a decent man, move on!

Mid 20s both of you and you could do so much better OP - but I get the feeling that 5 or so years on you'll be back here saying that a) DH doesn't tidy or b) worse!

Mid 20s is also perfect time to start afresh and meet someone new... its when you get in your mid 30's, early 40s (like me) that you panic not really but slight grain of truth!

I think part of the trouble is that you did more housework than him when you first moved in together. Now from your point of view you did this because it was the fair thing to do, because you had more free time, but he might not have worked this out and thought you did more because a) you wanted to and/or b) you were female and therefore should do more.

A lot of people are being harsh because even in relatively equal households such as DH and I were before DS arrived, having a DC is like throwing a huge grenade into your relationship. Babies cause a lot of extra work, responsibility and pressures ( and joy).

That's when you find a lot of men not doing their share of housework as the mums at home you see (never mind that she can't walk after a c section and hasn't had more than 10 hrs sleep over the previous week) , or feeling that parenting actually means mothering and they can continue to live their lives in the way they always have done.

So if your DP is a bit of a selfish arse before you've even thought about a family, well it's not a good sign.

I'd stop mollycoddling him. When he complains about his job, stop trying to be sympathetic, say what you've said here. Stop moaning and then ultimately doing it - he's tuning out to what you say and watching what you do, which is his washing.

Oh and for the love of all that's holy, stop separating the socks. Apart from everything else, it's not natural.

God, not another housework thread.

'his skewed ideas of what are my responsibilities because I'm a woman really bother me.'

And it bloody well should bother you.

I made the mistake of putting up with a man like this. It caused friction and resentment and problems for years till we split up. With him, it was because he really genuinely believed this stuff is women's work (cultural thing), refused to do it, and eventually he found himself a woman who could wait on him hand and foot with a smile on her face.

At least he was honest about it, and I had a choice whether to lump it or not. For that reason it wasn't as bad as most men who get complained about on here, who pay lip service to equality to make the woman shut up, then continue to totally take the piss. That really would get my blood boiling.

Agree with everything bathtimefunkster said up thread.

Run for the hills op. You have a lot of battle hardened mumsnetters given you the benefit of their hard earned wisdom on here. Disregard it at your peril.

sorry went too quick there!

We have the same situation in my home. I work full-time, DP is home two days a week due to shift work.

we have never really discussed or arranged a rota or anything for housework. We just do what we want to do, and it all works out as we are both grown ups who know this stuff has to be done. And we don't think anyone else was put here to be our servant.

I do..roughly half the laundry, half the cooking, tidy up any personal mess I've made like piles of papers, a bit of washing up, half the shopping during the week. That's it. We'll have a bit of a blitz some weekends and both attack a room or two together to give it more of a deep clean. I'm in charge of changing the duvet cover as it drives DP spare. DP does...roughly half the laundry, half the cooking, most of the washing up, half the shopping. Plus EVERYTHING else. Cleaning loo, descaling the kettle and shower head, sweeping and mopping floors, keeping the kitchen clean and tidy, putting clean laundry away (neither of us irons), dusting, cleaning the toothpaste off the mirror, all those million and one little jobs that need doing. Because he has two days off work every week. It doesn't take him long - most of his time on his days off are spent on the sofa reading, snoozing, or going to see mates. And he is HAPPY to do all this as he says himself it's only fair. If our work patterns change, so will our chores.

Having lived with a 'woman, you are my servant' arsehole in the past, I wouldn't tolerate any of that type of attitude for one single second any more.

Everything you are bothered about, you SHOULD be bothered about.

They are all massive problems, and they have nothing to do with socks.

As other posters have said, you've outgrown him. Or, rather, 5 years in you're beginning to realise that you've taken up with a lazy misogynist.

You've got a lot going for you - you could, and should, be with someone who is going to pull YOU forward too. Not in a relationship where you spend so much of your energy in a futile attempt to pull your partner along with you.

I'm hoping you have the energy to see that you really have to move on, and act on it. There are hundreds of threads on here from women who didn't have that energy, that optimism, that self belief, and who didn't leave the loser they'd happened to end up with at 25. They're the heartbreaking posts from, basically, EXHAUSTED and bitter (but mainly exhausted) women in their 40s, who have spent 20 years doing the work for two, raising the kids/running the household/doing all the chores/earning most of the money, and who finally realise that they can no longer bear the thought of pretending they have a 'partnership' with a lazy using sod who they can now barely bear to look at, they despise them so.

Leave him. LEAVE HIM. Or you will look back and assess your last 20 years and you will have many regrets. But mainly, the regret that you could have had, have enjoyed, so much more.

Oh, and this:

If he wanted to be a SAHD if we had children I'd be thrilled (provided he washed the baby's clothes ofc ;)).

• you are joking, yes? Or are you happy at the thought of being the mum whose children don't go to playgroup, or library singsongs, or swimming, because dad 'forgot' (ie it's far easier to bung them in front of the telly and play games on his phone), who get a packet of crisps and a piece of toast every day for lunch because in order to have nutritious food, you have to plan, and bother to prepare it, and he won't, the kids who just see mum of an evening as she rushes around bunging in a wash, drying stuff for the next day AND comes in late because she still has to be the one stopping off at the supermarket for nappies because 'he didn't notice they had run out'? The mum who never gets a moment to sit and read with the kids because she's always running to catch up on the chores he never has time for during the day, and who worries that all those little things that take effort and enthusiasm and AMBITION for your kids to have experiences, grow in confidence etc. aren't happening because he can't be arsed?

No. In fact, if you are misguided enough to keep going and get to the point where you have a baby, it's this more than anything that will break the camel's back (when it's his turn to get up, but it's 'oh pleeeease will you do it?'. Don't get to that point. Get out and have your babies with a better man.

Absolutely what Bathtime said.

You have outgrown him.

Don't get pregnant with him and do move on as gently but as decisively as you can. You will both be happier. You certainly will.

Get out now. You even used the phrase 'i suppose it's my fault because...' Good god woman. Leave him and find the life partner you deserve.

And being a good sahp means organisation, drive, patience, dedication and the willingness to put in long hours and work hard for the benefit of others. Sound like your dp?

Goodness, don't even bloody text him about his socks though, that sort of implies you feel responsible for managing him and his socks

As many, many have said it's not about the socks. And if you can't have a proper grown up sort out of sharing responsibilities there is a world of trouble waiting for your relationship.

In the mean time buy, or get your land lord to, a dehumidifier, greatly speeds indoor drying and is much better for fabric of the house.

You sound great, hard working and ambitious. May I ask, will the masters further your career? Is funding going to be an issue? Think hard about the cost if it means debt going forward.

Last bit of unsolicited advice: never stay with a man because of a cat.

Good luck with it all and of course YANBU

Just seen the bit about staying because of a cat. I hope you're joking!

Your ad for a partner right now reads like this " wanted, unambitous man, in life and work, happy to work part time, and stay in the same job. Must dislike all aspects of housework, and be prepared to let me micro manage his washing.

I want dc, so if he has a dm who can take over his parenting expectations ( emotional support of dc, playing, constant attention through childhood, so much the better. I am ambitious and hard working, and earn a lot of money, but I have low self esteem and want to stay that way, and i'm very loyal. I am content to put up with this shit as I have invested so much so far, and it is comfy. I also have a cat, whose happiness means more than mine. I also like to be made feel inferior and look forward to a life of drudgery and posting under a series name changes on mn about my unhappy life, hoping not to be recognised"

This may be nosy, but I'm assuming he's amazing in bed and there are no problems there?

NotYouNaanBread - hello fellow Boosh fan!

He works five days a week but short shifts, usually five hours. If there's overtime going he does it, but there usually isn't. Most people I know in early to mid twenties do struggle to find full time employment, degree or not.

I do need to do my masters as it includes the qualification I need to move forward in my profession at the highest level. If I didn't do the masters I would have to do each level separately so it would take years and cost me a lot more in the long run. Pisses me off that it's so hard to get funding for them. My employer won't pay as they aren't keen on me progressing and having to get someone else to do my current role (grr).

I do see what you're all saying re: my SAHD comment and maybe that was silly of me to say. Lots of men I know have been the same as my bf but completely changed once their OH got pregnant so I hold out hope haha. I'm younger than him and not looking to have kids for a few years yet, I wouldn't have them with him if he was still not pulling his weight anyway.

I do have low self esteem, I was bullied a lot in school and have bad anxiety/get panic attacks quite a lot, bf is very supportive when this happens and knows how to help with them.

I do have low self esteem, I was bullied a lot in school and have bad anxiety/get panic attacks quite a lot, bf is very supportive when this happens and knows how to help with them

OP - you should have said this earlier. I can really see how you washing his socks helps bolster your self esteem.

Do the Freedom Programme.

And dump this loser.

What you've said just now about you being bullied and have bad anxiety/panic attacks - I'm sure he DOES help you with this.

What's more important and what I'd look at doing for you (you can get reduced rates via charities etc) is getting counselling for those issues. Then, after that you may find you reevaluate a lot of things, including this relationship.

Also for what it's worth - I know people similar ages to you and I know they struggle to find full time employment. Many people here have had life experience though.

So, did you wash the socks? and if not did he kick off?

OP, you can get counselling for the low self esteem. It may help with the panic attacks. Having to carry a fairly pointless adult who cannot manage housework through life will not help you. It will cause
more stress and anxiety.

Op, re the panic attacks etc it would help to see a counsellor as then you won't be reliant on your dp and you would have a more emotionally equal relationship. Personally, if I was working and about to do a masters I wouldn't have time or mental energy to cope with his socks. Or texting him about it. He should be embarrassed, not making it your problem.

It is difficult to find work but he doesn't work long shifts and could do something surely? Study, think how he might enrich his life? He won't always be this age. Things don't improve unless you make them.

Cocklodger in Waiting.

Please don't have children with him.

Why should he change?

He just has to wheedle, and soft old you will do it for him. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person. It just makes him someone who gets away with being lazy because he is allowd to be.

You need to make him change by getting tough.

What is the important thing is how he reacts when you sit him down and tell him that things have to change if he values the relationship. That you don't feel respected and things aren't fair. If he realises the game is up and pulls his socks up see what I did there then fine and dandy, you move on and all is well. If he won't/can't change then you have trouble, and you get out of the relationship pronto.

People will get away with what they are allowed to.