Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my boyfriend to wash his own socks?

109 replies

myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 11:23

Hello!

I feel mean about this but also justified in my thoughts. My boyfriend asked me to wash his socks for him this morning. He ran out of clean socks a few days ago and was off work yesterday and the day before, so has had plenty of time to do it. I even texted him to remind him to do it. I am at home today but I'm working.

I wouldn't mind, but this always happens. He runs out of socks/pants/tops because he doesn't take the initiative to check that he has enough of them clean. Then he gets in a strop and makes me feel bad even though it's not my fault. It's generally me who does the housework, unless he's really bored or I moan at him. As a result, our house is generally a mess during the week because I don't have as much time to clean during the week and do most of it at the weekend.

A bit of background: we've been together 5 years and lived together for most of that time. I went to uni during the first few years, now in a fairly well paid, full time job. I'm hoping to go part time next year to do a masters.

He is in his mid twenties and works part time in a customer service job. He's had opportunities to go to uni/get promoted but hasn't taken them up or put effort in. I do most of the housework even though I work more. I do sympathize, because I don't like my job either and it's hard to get a permanent, well paid job at the moment. I'm not sure if he won't try because he's scared of failing.

I get the feeling he doesn't think it's fair that I earn more than him, but I made the effort to get a degree, search for jobs etc. and he hasn't (not that I think he should go to uni if he doesn't want to, or have any snobbery about working in CS - but I hate when people complain about things they can change).

I don't want him to do all the housework, just an equal amount without having ask him all the time. I don't want to run around after him all the time making sure he has clean pants, I'm not his mum!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Should I wash his socks to keep the peace?

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 13:16

but I don't know anyone who gets on with their partner ALL of the time.

It doesn't mean you have to agree 100% on everything, but when you disagree there is a way of sorting it that you both are happy with.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2015 13:17

also it's not just socks, it's his pants/t-shirts etc...

so he really is being lazy. if he can't shove a load on of his own stuff in the time it takes him to have a w*nk then he's a lazy arse.

TastelesslyDone · 06/02/2015 13:21

This is madness. Just wash stuff, you or he (ok probably him) each time it needs doing, including socks. If he ain't pulling his weight, tell him. If that doesn't change anything, fuck him off or put up with it.

Please don't have kids yet, if laundry's this much of a problem now, imagine what that'd be like.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 06/02/2015 13:23

It's not about socks though, Burke. If it was just about a load of washing I'd be right alongside you saying it's not really a problem now is it, stick the washer on, it takes seconds.

But the socks are irrelevant really. It's not washing. It's a pattern of him not doing domestic stuff and expecting that she will do it.

The socks don't matter. Stick them in with a load, put them in the bin, whatever. The socks aren't the point. They aren't the issue.

The issue is him being off work and not doing it and expecting that she will. Repeatedly.

RoganJosh · 06/02/2015 13:23

When he asks you to wash his socks where are you both? Sorry if you've said and I missed it.
If you are both at home then surely he would just do it himself. Why on earth would he ask you to take his socks to the washing machine while he basically watches?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 06/02/2015 13:26

If I've read right, Rogan - he has a few days off but doesn't wash them, despite the OP even saying to him that he's going to need to and actually reminding him on the days that he is off that it's something he's going to need to do (more than I bloody would do!) Grin. Then when he goes back to work, he contacts her saying oh I forgot to do it... just wash my socks for me pleeeeeeeeease.

Jackiebrambles · 06/02/2015 13:30

Why on earth would he ask you to take his socks to the washing machine while he basically watches?

^^

This is so true. How weird if this is the case??

magoria · 06/02/2015 13:30

Seriously!

You texted a grown man because he is so pathetic he can't realise he needs to wash his own clothing when he runs out and he still 'forgot'.

Then he strops with you when you are supposed to be working because you don't service him domestically.

He is telling you what he thinks of you. You are there to do the domestic stuff for him.

He and his time are more important than you and yours. Even if he is off work and you are busy.

Stop mothering this pathetic person and let them deal with their own stuff now or this will get worse. Especially if you have plans for kids in the future.

lavenderhoney · 06/02/2015 13:46

He's a nightnare isn't he? And a house or flat share without him would be much more fun.

And just because his mum is a childminder doesn't sort your childcare. So he has divulged himself of any responsibility already with any dc you might have! you might not want your mil btw. She might do things differently to you and you will have a DP who can't manage his socks, never mind a baby.

Fudgeface123 · 06/02/2015 13:47

Whether he washes or you, why would his socks be not washed in the washer with the other stuff?

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 13:47

He asked me to do it on his way out to work this morning because he remembered that he didn't have any clean. I was working on my laptop.

It's not that he asked me to do it once, we all forget stuff and need our partner to do us a favour sometimes. It's that it happens almost weekly, and that he works less than me but I still remember that I need to wash my underwear or whatever for the next few days. His reasons for not doing his washing himself were that he went out on his first day off (to the shop, for about 2 hours max.) and yesterday he forgot.

If I'm honest, I didn't really expect to be told to get rid of him, I thought people would just tell me to get over it and that I was being childish but I don't want him to think I'm a doormat that he can walk all over. We genuinely have what I'd say is a good relationship most of the time, we don't argue a lot at all, but his skewed ideas of what are my responsibilities because I'm a woman really bother me.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 06/02/2015 13:51

I just don't understand why his socks don't just go in with the rest of the washing?

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 14:08

Because he has loads so they just get washed in one big load together and he's sorted. I try to put them in with the rest most of the time but there's limited space so they don't always get done.

If it helps, he realises he's run out of pants on the day all the time too, and they ALWAYS go in with the rest of the washing. It's just that sometimes I can't fit all of them in because I occasionally need to wash my clothes too and we can't do many washes a week because of the limited space/slow drying issue.

OP posts:
Catzeyess · 06/02/2015 14:12

Controversially I think he is still capable of changing/stepping up of he wants to. I really do believe people can change if they want to.

I think just make in clear what your expectations are i.e. I will do it this week but I am not doing it again, sort out your own washing in future.

I married a bloke who's mum did everything for him, and I just sat him down and explained that that would not be happening with us. We wrote down all the chores together that needed doing and divdided them fairly, took an hour max no arguments or drama. With a few slip ups we now do equal chores and it's a total non-issue 2 1/2 years later!

(Btw his mum was shocked that he was happily cooking, cleaning and doing his own laundry within a month of us living together)

I don't think its at the LTB stage just yet - sit down and work out a more fair chores divsion and see how you go. If he makes no effort to change then you also have your answer also!

Jackiebrambles · 06/02/2015 14:13

Have you got one of those heated dryer rail things? They dry socks and pants really quickly and there's loads of room on them.

THis isn't about washing but I do think washing just one load of socks is slightly odd. Surely you just do - dark stuff, light stuff??

DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 14:16

The reason you are being told to get rid are because of his skewed ideas of what are my responsibilities because I'm a woman

And some of us are alot older than mid 20s, and know that if a man has this level of entitlement then it ain't gonna get alot better the older you get, and the more kids you have.

You think he will wake up one day and think 'Oh my - of course, my pants and socks are my own responsibility - I see that now?

What he should be doing is 'Oh, the basket is full, I'll pop a load in, iron and fold this lot and then think about some tea' on his days off.

If you are working full time and he is working part time, then he DOES need to do more than 50% of the housework. Why are you doing an equal share when you are working outside the house longer hours?

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 14:24

I know the washing all the socks together thing is a bit weird haha! I'm not sure how it started, I think it might be because I ask bf what he needs doing and I suppose he forgets about socks until he runs out. Then there are that many that I just throw them all in the wash. All his socks are dark so it's alright for them to go in together.

I will talk to him and let him know how I feel, I'm not sure if he realises how much it annoys me or why.

A heated dryer rail sounds amazing, I've seen one of those maidens that heats up as well so I'm looking into that :)

OP posts:
Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 14:28

It's not that I think he will wake up and think that, but maybe if I stuck my ground he would have to do it.

He pays half the bills and I earn more (he's not skint after, don't worry) so I'm happy to do half of the housework. Plus he does a lot of the cooking, although he enjoys it so it isn't much of a chore. :)

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 06/02/2015 14:29

www.lakeland.co.uk/21736/Dry-Soon-3-Tier-Heated-Tower-Airer

It isn't cheap BUT it folds away flat and dries stuff really quickly.

But this isn't about washing of course, but it might help you!

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 14:33

Thank you Jackiebrambles! Flowers

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 06/02/2015 14:43

He's lazy and you mother him.

Stop. He is a grown adult, stop doing his washing or asking what he needs doing. He's not a child you are asking if he has uniform ready for Monday. If he completely runs out of pants well that wont affect you will it and maybe he'll learn?

The only time I ever ask my boyfriend if he wants me to do any of his washing is if I don't have a full load but i really want to wash some stuff. Otherwise we stick to his and her washes, it creates no more cycles than if we did half and half each time.

I think you need a conversation about next steps i.e. saving up for a bigger place and take it from there, for example how would finances be split.
Then marriage and children, pointing out you would carry on with working so who would do what.

That should give you an indication of your compatibility. And for what its worth I know if / when I have children, i'll be doing the bulk of the care due to the nature of my BF's job. But i'm ok with that, its not just something he takes for granted.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/02/2015 14:44

But his lazy expectation that you skivvy after him is only part of the problem.

He's in the prime of his life, is working part time, is turning down opportunities to get better work, he has no degree, no ambition, no drive, no passion, nothing he's trying to add to the world.

What plans has he got for his life?

This is not a man you can be serious about.

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 15:16

Lack of ambition doesn't bother me to be honest, his whole family is like that whereas mine all went to uni and are fairly big earners. If he wanted to be a SAHD if we had children I'd be thrilled (provided he washed the baby's clothes ofc ;)). But yeah, lack of ambition doesn't bother me, laziness/inability to organise yourself to have clothes clean for work does.

He has asked to go full time at work but they said no so he's given up now.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 06/02/2015 15:30

There are ambitions that don't involve being a big earner.

There are ways to live your life that are worthwhile and valuable that don't involve joining the competitive rat race.

But none of them involve sitting around working part time in your twenties a being cross that you earn less than your more qualified, harder working girlfriend.

A man who can't wash his own socks can't be a SAHD.

Being a good SAHP involves a huge amount of personal resourcefulness.

It is not a role for someone lazy.

And he is sexist - he thinks you should be his skivvy becAuse you are a woman.

Sexist men make terrible co-parents.

Once he's got you up the duff, he'll also have you over a barrel.

Given the amount of your own brain space you are prepared to waste in the subject of his smelly socks, you will be fucked once you feel you can't leave because children.

NotYouNaanBread · 06/02/2015 16:13

Not in a million years. I do the laundry (DH deals with it after), but it would never enter my head to do laundry around his sock situation. Don't even know where he keeps the damn things (and half the time, he doesn't either, but that's a different story).

Could it be that you have outgrown the relationship, as BathtimeFunkster suggests? Your life seems to be more on track than his, and it's okay to break up with your uni boyfriend.