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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my boyfriend to wash his own socks?

109 replies

myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 11:23

Hello!

I feel mean about this but also justified in my thoughts. My boyfriend asked me to wash his socks for him this morning. He ran out of clean socks a few days ago and was off work yesterday and the day before, so has had plenty of time to do it. I even texted him to remind him to do it. I am at home today but I'm working.

I wouldn't mind, but this always happens. He runs out of socks/pants/tops because he doesn't take the initiative to check that he has enough of them clean. Then he gets in a strop and makes me feel bad even though it's not my fault. It's generally me who does the housework, unless he's really bored or I moan at him. As a result, our house is generally a mess during the week because I don't have as much time to clean during the week and do most of it at the weekend.

A bit of background: we've been together 5 years and lived together for most of that time. I went to uni during the first few years, now in a fairly well paid, full time job. I'm hoping to go part time next year to do a masters.

He is in his mid twenties and works part time in a customer service job. He's had opportunities to go to uni/get promoted but hasn't taken them up or put effort in. I do most of the housework even though I work more. I do sympathize, because I don't like my job either and it's hard to get a permanent, well paid job at the moment. I'm not sure if he won't try because he's scared of failing.

I get the feeling he doesn't think it's fair that I earn more than him, but I made the effort to get a degree, search for jobs etc. and he hasn't (not that I think he should go to uni if he doesn't want to, or have any snobbery about working in CS - but I hate when people complain about things they can change).

I don't want him to do all the housework, just an equal amount without having ask him all the time. I don't want to run around after him all the time making sure he has clean pants, I'm not his mum!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Should I wash his socks to keep the peace?

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 06/02/2015 12:05

Well OP, either you love him sufficiently to accept being treated like a skivvy for the rest of your life, or you leave him now and find someone who treats you properly.
Your choice.

Of course you could just follow the many other sad women who hang on year by year hoping he will somehow improve with keeping. He won't.

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2015 12:12

I agree that you've outgrown him. This sounds like a starter relationship - you have now realised you are more ambitious, more hardworking and more proactive in changing things you dislike in your life. He wants things without working for them - you accept you need to work for them. He resents your success - you wish he would use that feeling to drive himself forward.

You've outgrown him. Leave him to his job that he's bored with and his smelly socks. (Btw he ran out of them a few days ago??? What on earth has he been wearing? How difficult is it to use your washing machine, ffs?)

Don't have children with him, for god's sake. He'll take your maternity leave and sit at home doing nothing.

tumbletumble · 06/02/2015 12:13

OP, this might seem like a really trivial thing to start questioning your relationship over, but you are right to worry that it will almost certainly get worse when you have DC.

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 12:16

Mammanat222 - I don't really wear socks, just tights haha! I tend to put socks in with the normal washing but as we have a small house with no outside space the washing takes ages to dry and the maiden only has a certain amount of space.

So if socks need doing I just do all of them together mid week once the other washing has dried. He has loads and loads of socks so they don't need doing every week, that's sort of why I get annoyed, he has so many but doesn't think to do a load of washing when he's down to his last few pairs.

Does nobody think if I stopped doing as much he might start to do it himself? Or is that wishful thinking? I

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 06/02/2015 12:19

Yes, you could try that. Probably wishful thinking but worth a try!

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2015 12:21

Does he have loads and loads of socks because he keeps having to buy new ones as he hasn't washed the others?

AnnoyingOrange · 06/02/2015 12:22

I would dump him.
He only works part time, has no ambition, doesn't pull his weight in the home.

Not a keeper if you want to have a family

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 12:28

ImperialBlether - pretty much haha!

Also if we were to break up I would have nowhere to go. We have a cat so I couldn't move back in with my parents and I wouldn't be able to do my masters if I rented a flat alone as I'm paying for it myself and need to save. Plus it's so hard to find a landlord who allows pets.

We are generally happy and I love him, it's just I feel like he doesn't see me as an equal sometimes and I want him to take responsibility for things, even mundane things like this. I am a bit of a pushover and hate arguments so maybe it's my fault for not laying down the law previously.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/02/2015 12:31

You are really heading for trouble if you live with someone whom you know doesn't think of you as an equal AND you know you're a pushover AND you are already blaming yourself.

Get a flatshare. You will be able to find one where you can take the cat if you look hard enough. Do the MA part-time. Be independent and be the woman you deserve to be, rather than the woman who lives with a resentful man who thinks it's her job to wash his smelly socks.

Jackiebrambles · 06/02/2015 12:34

Don't stay in a crap relationship just because of the cat. There are ways round that! Agree re flat share.

Fairylea · 06/02/2015 12:36

I agree that he should be doing more but it all sounds a bit weird about the sock washing. Surely just have one massive basket where everything gets chucked in and take turns to put a wash on (including socks). We have two dc and our washing basket is emptied daily and we do a wash every day. We never end up short of clean socks or pants.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/02/2015 12:37

if we were to break up I would have nowhere to go.

So you are going to spend the rest of your life with a man you are too good for, but who somehow imagines he is better than you, because moving out would be a little bit inconvenient temporarily?

Come on!

You're smarter than that.

Find a houseshare if you need to keep costs down.

Please don't waste your life washing this loser's socks.

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2015 12:42

The thing is that throughout a reasonably long life we will meet a number of people we love or could love.

I know you love this one but you will love others, too.

The point is that just because you love them, it doesn't mean they are really good for you. This one isn't, is he? He resents you doing well. Just think how amazing it would be to live with people who encourage you to aim high, who will talk through your MA with you, who have their own ambitions.

This relationship won't help you make the most of yourself. Better to get out now rather than wait until you're ready for children - I can assure you he will not improve as a partner then!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 06/02/2015 12:43

He doesn't forget.

He doesn't bother because he thinks he can just get you to do it.

Really, what you need to do when he does the "pleeease" thing (please tell me he doesn't put on a mardy/baby voice otherwise I will be entirely convinced my father has a second wife!) is to say no, it is not my job to do things that you do not think are important enough for you to remember. Either hand wash a pair, put on a dirty pair or go and buy a new pair. I am not your sock washer and I will never be your sock washer."

You could always ask him why exactly he thinks it's your job because you just know he isn't a sexist pig so it cannot be because you're a woman...

Hullygully · 06/02/2015 12:44

ARE YOU MENTAL?

FryOneFatManic · 06/02/2015 12:51

This bloke is not a keeper.

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2015 12:56

Tell it like it is, Hully!

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 12:57

Thank you for all your advice, obviously I have a lot of thinking to do! It's not just the cat and living arrangements that stop me leaving as we do get on well most of the time. I think I might have a chat with him tonight and let him know how I feel and if things don't improve think about my options. Although we lived in a houseshare a few years back and I'd be very reluctant to do it again.

I didn't realise that our laundry arrangements were so weird! Our house is too small for a drier/bigger maiden and we don't have outside space to dry the clothes so they take ages to dry, so we literally can't do the washing every day like others. Stuff like pants, tops, skirts/trousers get prioritised unless there aren't many pairs of socks left (and as I only wear tights it's up to him to notice if he's running low) and all of the socks get put in the wash together and then he has loads of pairs for a few weeks.

Because I always seem to do the washing I know what needs washing out of my stuff but not his so I try to put an equal amount of his tops/pants/whatever in and ask him what needs washing. Maybe separating our washing and doing it separately would work better.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 06/02/2015 13:01

i wouldn't even get into the discussion. i would simply ignore it. yes of course he should be doing his own!!

you do realise that he's gearing up to be a fully fledged cocklodger?

you can do better.

DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 13:02

People always say 'if things don't improve'.

Issue is - they improve and it's just a mask...it all gets dropped once you have forgotten about it. Until the next time.

It starts with socks and ends up with realising after 20 years that yes - he really is just a selfish pig. And no - he won't change.

Hope that helps. Getting on well most of the time - meh. You really should be getting on all of the time. Otherwise - what's the point?

Norland · 06/02/2015 13:04

Of course you're being unreasonable. You're at home aren't you?

Now, gather up all his socks, pants and favourite shirts and put them in a hot-wash at 95 degrees with a red-towel. Problem solved forever.

By the way, what an extremely well-written post. Did you go to an Oxbridge college? Very few people spell 'sympathise' with a 'z' these days, obviously everybody did in the 60s/70s but you'd have to be a total cradle-snatcher to be of that vintage and living with a 20s b/f.

BirdintheWings · 06/02/2015 13:07

Does nobody think if I stopped doing as much he might start to do it himself? Or is that wishful thinking?

Actually, why do you care what happens after you stop? His feet, his problem.

Original poster
myhatsonfire · 06/02/2015 13:12

Norland - I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic! If not, thank you very much Grin But I didn't get into an Oxbridge, just your common as muck red brick uni ;)

Oh, and love your advice. I should definitely give that a go!

DeliciousMonster - I agree, but I don't know anyone who gets on with their partner ALL of the time. If things don't improve soon I will leave before 20 years have passed, promise!

OP posts:
Burke1 · 06/02/2015 13:14

Don't see the issue. Help each other out from time to time?

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2015 13:15

Laziness pure and simple!

Most of my few ex-boyfriends have taken pride in either using launderette (if in shared house with no washing machine) or washing by machine (this was a man who flew to the far East/Russia/Europe a couple of times a week etc on business) etc.

My DB does make the cardinal sin sometimes of washing his DW's clothes at too high and they shrink but at least he can put the machine on...

another thing - my DM with my Dstepdad - she refused after a while to iron his shirts/t-shirts etc so he just wore creased or ironed.

You're making excuses now which is even worse. I highly doubt he'll change or it will be for a few months then back to normal or worse adding more chores for you. saying please doesn't make it better by the way.