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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To attempt taking DS on holiday without trying to contact absent father

90 replies

GreenGrassStains · 05/02/2015 22:02

DS is 8, has my surname, and hasn't had contact with his father since 3 and a half years old, when supervised contact was stopped due to DS receiving injuries, after continuous emotional abuse (shouting and swearing at, name calling, embarrassing him).
Police and social services did reports of the injuries and said there was to be no contact unless court ordered as a safeguarding issue.

He is on the birth certificate so has PR, though I do not have any contact details, don't know where he lives, or have any form of contact for anyone who knows him.

Also, even if I did, I would be terrified of contacting him incase it caused him to reappear and begin threatening me again.

If I take DS on holiday, we have the same surname so are we likely to be questioned? And if they do ask if his dad is aware and we tell them that we do not know who his dad is will that be the end of it or will they have a way of finding out he technically has PR?

OP posts:
BreakOutTheKaraoke · 05/02/2015 22:13

Can't speak for everyone, but I've taken my daughter on around 10 different holidays, and I've never been asked anything about her dad. We've been to America, Morocco, Egypt and quite a few European countries.

If you're worried then possibly stick to somewhere local, maybe Spain or France?

Lucyccfc · 05/02/2015 22:19

Same here - travelled all over the world with DS and never once been asked. That includes places like USA, UAE and Brazil.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 05/02/2015 23:29

Travelled to Spain several times with DDs and without DH. Was never an issue. I imagine most places in European Union would be OK? The passport line is usually long and the passport officials seem to want to keep the line moving...

If you are questioned, you could just explain your ex is no longer in contact.

anothernumberone · 05/02/2015 23:33

As far as I can see there are double standards where this issue is concerned. I know many mother with or without the same surname as there kids who have travelled to many places alone with their kids without any input from the father. Db was stopped at the airport because he had no letter from DSIL letting him take the kids out of the country, ironically he was bringing them to her home country which would not have made him the brighest child abductor ever.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 05/02/2015 23:33

Why would you be questioned. You are not permanently removing child from jurisdiction. Holidays of I think up yo 28 days are not a problem.

anothernumberone · 05/02/2015 23:34

The countries mothers have travelled too and from without dads include America and Australia as well as EU destinations btw.

Original poster
GreenGrassStains · 05/02/2015 23:40

Crosstheroad the 28 days being allowed legally is if you have been to court over contact and got a residency order, but I've never been to court so technically the law says I need his permission, so it's very reassuring to hear it's not likely to be an issue!

OP posts:
SorchaN · 05/02/2015 23:49

Do you have a residence order? If so, you can legally take your son out of the country for up to four weeks.

Even if you don't have a residence order, it's very unlikely that you'd be questioned.

MaxandMabel · 05/02/2015 23:53

I have a different surname to my DS and we were travelling with my then DP (now DH) so all three of us had different surnames. Passport control turned to my DS, then about 6yrs and simply asked "who's that?" whilst gesturing towards me. DS replied "Mummy" and that was that! Smile

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 05/02/2015 23:53

I think it'll be fine if you just take him. My DD goes on holiday with her maternal GM sometimes, and I just write a letter stating that she has my permission to take her. The letter could have been written by anybody though, it's not like they can check the handwriting is it?

LeaveItItsNotWorthIt · 06/02/2015 00:20

Do you need his signature to get them a passport? Im in a similar situation but ds doesn't have a passport yet

Original poster
GreenGrassStains · 06/02/2015 00:41

You only need your signature, you just have to fill out the details that you know about the father, but obviously can't fill out his passport number and this was fine when I got DS's.

OP posts:
TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 06/02/2015 00:45

Ah op you'll be fine! I've taken DD loads of times!

OllyBJolly · 06/02/2015 01:13

I've been challenged a few times going to the USA & Canada. After the first time (which was awful - had a 3 yr old and a 5month old and just come off a 7 hour flight) I always carried a letter from XH saying I had his permission. I had sole care and control so legally I could do as I wanted, but it was just easier to get a letter. The authenticity of the letter was never checked but seemed to appease the border controls.

Never had an issue anywhere else - Europe, Scandinavia etc.

wobblyweebles · 06/02/2015 02:21

Yes you can be challenged going in or out of the USA. It's advised that you carry a letter from the child's other parent. I've never actually been challenged but I know other parents have.

Coyoacan · 06/02/2015 03:28

Not to discourage you, but I live in Mexico and many years ago I was visiting in Canada and had to prove that I was my dd's sole guardian to be able to board a plane with her back to Mexico (where her father lived).

nooka · 06/02/2015 03:37

Border guards are in my opinion very inconsistent. Unfortunately they are also quite powerful.

Recently my dd traveled to the UK to stay with my family (grandmother, aunts, uncle) for a week. She is 14 and it's a trip we have done many times together since we moved to North America. Last year ds did the same thing (he would have been 14 too). At the UK border the agent insisted that dd should have had a letter from us to say she could travel, and they wouldn't let her through until they spoke to me two hours later (time difference, cell phone off and for some weird reason they didn't ring our land line for over an hour). My brother and his family were waiting on the other side but they wouldn't let him come and get her.

The stupid thing is that dd could easily have carried a forged letter, and given the contact details of a friend so as far as keeping her safe it meant nothing. The summer before ds just walked through after saying he was going to stay with his grandmother with just a 'welcome back to England'.

To be completely proper the OP should carry some proof that the father isn't in the picture, generally that might be a court order, but she might also be able to get something in writing from a family solicitor explaining the history.

Blu · 06/02/2015 07:00

The OP is a mother, traveling with Her child, both with the same surname and presumably on a return holiday ticket. Neither DP nor I have ever had anyone raise the slightest question over this perfectly normal arrangement.

I suspect they do query men traveling alone with children, but Op, you will be fine. There are hundreds of thousands of single Mums passing through airports on holiday and they aren't being asked for documentation.

PopularNamesInclude · 06/02/2015 07:13

I have been stopped numerous times but have always produced evidence. It happens. It may or may not happen to you.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/02/2015 07:49

It depends on the country. Canada really cares about this - they would rather deal with it when you arrive, than deal with a trans-border custody dispute later.

I have travelled there with my kids. My nationality was different than theirs, and my surname. I carried a copy of their birth certificate and a letter from MrNQC. But, tbh, it wasn't a certified letter, just something I wrote and got him to sign. The border folks always asked for proof.

SquinkiesRule · 06/02/2015 09:02

I was challenged in Canada one time. I had both boys with me age 12 and 17 at the time, both bigger than me. No way I could have abducted them if I tried. I had forgotten my letter, but told the immigration man he could call Dh if he liked as he'd dropped us to the airport and gone on to work and held out his business card. He said no thats fine and let us through. The boys thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Icimoi · 06/02/2015 09:10

It does appear from these responses that you'd be unwise to take a risk. I would suggest you see about getting a residence order.

TwoOddSocks · 06/02/2015 09:58

I doubt you'll have a problem. I've taken my son (2.5) abroad (actually I live abroad and was travelling to and from England) and my passport still has my maiden name so a different surname to my son. I was asked once if I was his mum, I said yes and he just shrugged and said "well he looks happy enough" and let me through. With the same surname you'll not even be asked.

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2015 10:00

I've travelled to Spain, Portugal and France a few times without DH and have never been questioned

juneau · 06/02/2015 10:04

I think its okay to just explain the situation, if you get asked, but I doubt you would be.

I used to get asked when returning to the UK with DS1 when we lived in the USA, because that was potentially a child kidnapping scenario, but if its a UK-resident DM with a UK-resident DC going on holiday with a return ticket I can't see it would be an issue.

Even when I was asked where DS1's dad was I never had to provide a permission letter (even though I had one), it was just a conversation at the passport booth. I think they watch your body language to see if you're being truthful.