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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To attempt taking DS on holiday without trying to contact absent father

90 replies

GreenGrassStains · 05/02/2015 22:02

DS is 8, has my surname, and hasn't had contact with his father since 3 and a half years old, when supervised contact was stopped due to DS receiving injuries, after continuous emotional abuse (shouting and swearing at, name calling, embarrassing him).
Police and social services did reports of the injuries and said there was to be no contact unless court ordered as a safeguarding issue.

He is on the birth certificate so has PR, though I do not have any contact details, don't know where he lives, or have any form of contact for anyone who knows him.

Also, even if I did, I would be terrified of contacting him incase it caused him to reappear and begin threatening me again.

If I take DS on holiday, we have the same surname so are we likely to be questioned? And if they do ask if his dad is aware and we tell them that we do not know who his dad is will that be the end of it or will they have a way of finding out he technically has PR?

OP posts:

OddFodd · 07/02/2015 09:36

This thread is really scary :(

There is no father named on DS's birth certificate so could I just take that if we go to the U.S.? I can't get anyone to sign their permission if they don't exist!

jasper · 07/02/2015 09:38

I have been questioned many times both leaving and returnîng from the uk.
however my children have their father's surname , not mine.

my children have been grilled too.
I always carry a permission letter from their dad.

last time ( Toronto ) we were taken into a separate room and grilled for a long time. they were very dismissive of the letter (" anyone can write a letter " ) and did not want to even look at it.

they questioned my daughter (12) for a bit then waved us through.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2015 09:45

It certainly seems very inconsistent. I've travelled on ferries and planes with my dc and with other people's dc (with and without a parent with us) literally dozens of times in the last 5 years and never been stopped or questioned

Mmmbacon · 07/02/2015 09:50

I have to get affidavit for dd passport stating Dad not in picture but for Irish passport, not sure what you need in UK but would carrying an affidavit help at all? Surely if you can get passport without fathers permission you can travel without permission using same documentation used to secure passport?

Starlightbright1 · 07/02/2015 10:11

I am taking DS abroad for the first time half term...WE are going canary Islands. I am taking birth certificate but like OP My Ex was abusive , hasn't seen DS in years.. I know his last address 4 years ago but have no plans to contact him.. I can see even if I used his old email , he has no right to know what we are up to or any input on a decision if I should take my DS on holiday...Though he may think if I can afford to take him abroad I won't need his £5 a week maintenance

Mistigri · 07/02/2015 10:15

If you have the same surname you're very, very unlikely to have any issues in Europe. Children travel with lone parents all the time even where the parents are still together.

I used to carry documentary proof of my relationship to my children when travelling alone with them, but only because we do not share a surname and there is no way for a border guard to confirm that they are my kids since this information is not in the passport.

partialderivative · 07/02/2015 10:20

What happens if the other parent has died?

Would you be expected to carry a death warrant around?

Given the amount of time and lack of contact the OP has had with the father, it is feasible.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2015 10:21

Family passports aren't seeming such a bad idea now are they?

Melawen · 07/02/2015 10:31

OddFodd I quite agree! I am a single Mum and DD was conceived by sperm donor - how can I show evidence or permission for someone that doesn't exist!!? I expect that I would have to show DD's birth certificate and possibly some documentation from the donor centre.

DrCoconut · 07/02/2015 10:35

When we went to the USA and Canada, I got a solicitor's letter stating that we were NC with DS1's father and no permission was needed for us to travel. There were no problems.

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 07/02/2015 10:43

I really don't understand why children's passports don't have the parents/guardians names and passport number printed in them tbh. Would save a lot of hassle.

Meowww · 07/02/2015 10:50

I've been questioned travelling with DN when he was 16. He has no living parents and lives with us and we were coming back into the country from a European holiday destination. As if anyone can make six foot tall, sulky teenagers travel anywhere against their will!

BertieBotts · 07/02/2015 10:50

Well, because they would go out of date presumably. I won't have the same passport number when I renew my passport as I did when I applied for DS's.

But they could presumably have a computer database which brings the parent info up. If the child was at risk of being abducted, that info could be added to that screen too.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 07/02/2015 10:50

OP, to change tack - perhaps this highlights that t would be good for you to explore the possibility of getting his PR removed - as long as that would not mean him being contacted - maybe look into it. Or a residence order?

However I too think you won't have a problem at all.

Kim82 · 07/02/2015 11:01

I've taken my kids abroad without their dad and had no problems. I went to lanzarote for my honeymoon so dh was with me but Ds and dd1 are not his and have my ex's surname but we were waved through without question.

I also went to Turkey last year with the 3 kids and without my dh and had no issues there either although I only had the same surname as one of my children (dd2).

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