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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby shower fee???

116 replies

Bedsheets4knickers · 05/02/2015 21:44

Got invited to a friends baby shower a few weeks ago . It now comes about to attend we have to pay Â£22 for the privilege . Is this normal etiquette???

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 06/02/2015 10:14

The last two parties i threw were both birthday parties. An 18th and a 1st. Both involved food and a venue. The 18th was a surprise party with a fairly large guest list.

Did i charge any of the invitees? No!

The thought of charging guests, GUESTS to come to a social party is vulgar. The only time this is appropriate would be at some sort of corporate party. Which is another sort of event altogether.

and this is why i find enclosing a request for cash, even as a poem, inside a wedding invite is yuck too

fluffyraggies · 06/02/2015 10:22

As for baby showers ... they're just about ok, i think, if thrown for a first time mum, by a good friend or family member, FOR good friends and family members, to come and have a cupper and give a small gift for the mum to be or the baby.

Chances are the mother is going to feel a lot chirpier in the late stages of pregnancy than she is in the first couple of weeks post birth. May as well have the pleasure and excitement of the people gathering round and gift giving in those last weeks before the horrors of new motherhood befall her: period from hell, huge leaky boobs, no sleep, hormones raging, etc, etc

chrome100 · 06/02/2015 10:52

I've only been to one baby shower and really enjoyed it.

It was at the pregnant person's house in the afternoon. We had homemade cake, sat around and chatted and played one game. It was a really nice afternoon with everyone getting together before the birth and a nice celebration of "female-hood" (something that surprised me as I am not really into these things usually).

I bought my friend a bunch of flowers but there was no expectation.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 06/02/2015 10:57

A baby shower can cost a lot or a little. If you offer to host one you're responsible for the costs, just like any party.

I think they're lovely, the ones I have attended are more about feting the mother to be than the gifts.

NotYouNaanBread · 06/02/2015 11:00

How else is the host supposed to cover costs?

Is hosting a friend's baby shower a commercial enterprise now? This seems to be something like the host has seen a Kardashian baby shower or something and thinks she'll just do that, and has forgotten that she's not on a Kardashian BUDGET. If you offer to host something, you plan something within your own budget, you don't crowdfund the bloody thing.

specialsubject · 06/02/2015 11:04

sorry for the person who lost a baby.

But I never buy until the baby has arrived. Did know of someone who lost a baby at a day or so old, and was even more upset at going home to all the kit for it. So the shopping is done once all is well.

no such thing as jinxes or luck.

on a lighter note, I think that you celebrate when a new person arrives, not before. Naff games about a pregnancy..eeeewww! If you want to get together with people before you need to worry about a babysitter, do it - meet up for a meal somewhere.

HappyAgainOneDay · 06/02/2015 11:08

Why have baby 'showers' got out of hand? What happened to having a few friends round where the hostess provides food and drink and guests bring a gift each? That's it.

I would decline anything more grabby, showy or ... well, naff as this one sounds.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 06/02/2015 11:55

Years ago people were happy to plan weddings, parties etc that they could actually afford. And if that just meant tea and sandwiches, or a drink in the local, then that was what was organised.
Nowadays everyone wants spa weekends, and fireworks, and weddings held in castles in Spain etc etc etc and if they can't afford them seem incapable of just saying 'ah well' and having what they can afford. As a result guests are being forced to pay through the nose for the privilege of helping other people celebrate landmark events. You can't even buy a small thoughtful wedding present anymore, it has to be cash for all to see exactly how much you forked out.

HesBeenAVeryNaughtyBoy · 06/02/2015 12:08

My friends organised a surprise shower for me I didn't know anything about it and it was my second DC they all paid £10 and it was at a friends house. I was half mortified half touched when I found out! It was lovely though and all my mates had a few drinks and we went to the pub after. I do feel a little grabby as we are having a christening as well so that's potentially three gifts!!!!! I have made it clear that we don't need or expect anything on the invitation and would people just take the time to come. Hope people don't think I want more stuff I just want my child baptised honest.

CrapBag · 06/02/2015 12:15

I had a similar situation.

Friends hosting a shower, we were all bringing food. As usual they all went overboard with spending money and asked us all to pay towards it, plus bring the food we were bringing, plus our gift (oh and we had to contribute to someone else's gift too because they overspent and passed the cost around between the group).

Needless to say I was pretty pissed off at being told after they had all done it. Not my issue if they overspend yet again. But to them I was unreasonable as they were only too happy to be spending about £30 each on a bloody baby shower.

slithytove · 06/02/2015 13:30

Don't get me wrong, it was very, very hard sorting out dd's nursery etc.
But that would have happened anyway regardless of a baby shower. I mean most people will have bought stuff for baby by 39 weeks.

The hardest thing was leaving the hospital with an empty car seat.

Dealing with gifts paled in comparison to that. And as i said above, they have brought me comfort since. I also find the idea of not buying presents in case baby dies, rather distasteful.

Mil had bought / made loads of stuff and didn't know whether to give it to us. I asked her to a couple of months later, and looked at it all, having a huge cry at what should have been, and how loved my daughter was before she was even born. I still have it all, and dd2 is now using some of it. A couple of very precious things we have kept with dd1s stuff.

slithytove · 06/02/2015 13:32

It's really hard to describe properly, but when I have NO living memories with dd1, the knowledge that her auntie or planned godmother, or family friend, spent hours knitting a blanket, or chose a special toy for her or an outfit with her in mind, means so much and means that they had a connection even if only one sided and emotional.

That we might have lost that because some people only like buying when it's safe, makes me feel wistful.

I hope I am making sense.

GraysAnalogy · 06/02/2015 13:33

Why the bloody hell should anyone have to pay to attend a party. Why should I have to pay just because my friend has decided to do what millions of other women do and get herself pregnant.

If you really wanted to have a baby shower, why not just have it at your home and put some sandwiches out.

I hate this whole thing that everyone has to be so very excited and show their adoration for the mother and born babe, in the form of presents usually.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2015 13:38

What sort of food and decorations are they planning to do with all that money. A baby shower is no different to any other party, if you have to charge than do a cheaper one at home, with light buffet food from Iceland or Tesco's or whatever. You host, you pay!

BitOutOfPractice · 06/02/2015 13:40

I think I know why I hate baby showers (having never been to one!) is the idea of all the contrived "fun", the forced jollity. As soon as someone mentions fancy dress or party games, my teeth start to itch and I can feel my hackles rising

LineRunner · 06/02/2015 15:46

Slithy, you do make so much sense, you really do.

That someone 'spent hours knitting a blanket' - yes, absolutely, the spirit of caring and gift-giving within a loving circle of family and friends - is the essence I hope people can recapture, that very thing that brings you comfort.

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