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AIBU?

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Original poster

To never ceased to be surprised by virtual strangers asking when I'll have another baby?!

48 replies

milkyman · 05/02/2015 14:21

I find this so rude but people at work, playgroups and next doors builder (!) have asked me this recently. I've had a ms, am nearly 40 and have pcos... so no,the answer is no. Why is my dh never asked this... ever?!

OP posts:
Lepaskilf · 05/02/2015 14:36

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Original poster
milkyman · 05/02/2015 14:38

Honestly nothing! It seems to come out of nowhere!

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 05/02/2015 14:43

I've had it a fair few times and mostly from people who don't know me that well (or at all). It's bizarre! And rude.

SweetValentine · 05/02/2015 14:45

It's the kind of question I'd ask Blush

Theselittlelightsofmine · 05/02/2015 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 05/02/2015 14:48

I have people tutting and looking shocked when I tell them I've had a baby... and then asking me when I'll have another!

So you disapprove of me because you've assumed I'm a 'scrounging teen mum'... but you want to know when I'm popping another out?? Confused

JassyRadlett · 05/02/2015 16:11

Sweet, the trouble is a lot of the time it's not straightforward. I have this far refrained from shouting 'We're bloody trying all right?' In anyone's face but given that it's starting to look possible that there won't be a second child, I'd prefer not to have to deal with the question.

I'd particularly prefer not to have to deal with the follow up lectures on how damaging/unfair it is to DS to be an only child.

People have all kinds of reasons for not having had a second child. Some aren't that happy or comfortable.

Nightowlagain · 05/02/2015 16:19

We have discovered that to have another child we will need to have ivf. We haven't yet decided what to do, but are mostly leaning towards just stopping at one.

But the trouble I'm having at work with people asking when we'll have another! DS is three so people have started to ask as a matter of course, and because I don't really want to share our troubles with everyone I have to say we don't think we will, or make vague non committal noises. Then all I get are reasons why only having one is crap and two is better etc, which isn't what I need really when I'm struggling with it anyway!

So YANBU op, although I have to say strangers don't really talk to me about stuff like that! You must come across as really approachable or something!

PianoCat · 05/02/2015 16:38

I narrowly avoided collapsing into tears in the school playground today as ended up next to newborn who everyone came to coo over and some one said to me oh I'd love another one wouldn't you. I thought I'd got past the playground newborns now dd is in ks2. We has had three rounds of IVF to get dd and finally gave up on sibling after several more tries. No chance of getting pregnant naturally as my tubes are blocked due to extensive endo damage.

Notso · 05/02/2015 16:41

I get this all the time, even if I say "no 4 is enough and DH has had the snip" some even go on to say "I bet you'll have another" Hmm
I get asked if all my DC have the same Dad too because of odd age gaps.
The worst was when an gossipy busy body ex dinner lady asked me if DC 4 was my then 12 year old DD's and I was raising him myself to "cover her shame" because it was apparently odd that I had two DC close together after such a big gap and he looks just like DD.

blacktreaclecat · 05/02/2015 16:43

I get this all the time. If they don't know me well they then go on about how selfish/ awful/ unfair having an only is. I'm an only and I like it so tell them that. I have to restrain myself from telling them about the mc, endo, clomid, tfmr, ivf, placenta praevia and EMCS it took to get DS here. I tend to say DS took a while and we feel v lucky and grateful to have him and we were in a bad place for a while and don't want to go there again.

Notso · 05/02/2015 16:44

Sad PianoCat

HesBeenAVeryNaughtyBoy · 05/02/2015 16:44

I had a lot of trouble conceiving DS but for a couple of years when people were rude enough to ask I would reply with the truth "oh we would love to but we have secondary infertility!" People would shut up, avoid my gaze and slink off, serves them right.

mrsmilkymoo · 05/02/2015 16:47

Dd is only six months and I get asked this too. Actually my inlaws went on about it when she was only 10 days old...Hmm

pudseypie · 05/02/2015 16:53

I get this all the time despite friends and family knowing that ds has a genetic condition and has only just completed 3 years of corrective surgery. I am tempted to reply its not a good idea when I'm still on antidepressants following the trauma of my first....

Theselittlelightsofmine · 05/02/2015 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillyEvans · 05/02/2015 17:02

Mrsmilkymoo same here! Dd is 6months and pils are the same.

FrankelandFilly · 05/02/2015 17:11

I'm waiting for this to start. DD is almost 1 and was conceived after 3 years of emotional hell funally resulting in assisted conception. I intend not to be shy about telling busybodies that any subsequent children will be in the hands of medical science.

Of course that didn't stop the "helpful" advice from one friend last time who kept telling me about her "friend's, cousin's, next door neighbour" who miraculously conceived after years of trying when she "relaxed and went on holiday" Angry

Thoughts and Flowers to everyone struggling at the moment.

Notmymuse · 05/02/2015 17:25

We can't have anymore due to secondary infertility. I've had loads of people ask me why I've not had anymore. It's very rude.
I can live with being asked if I'm having more children but I cannot live with people telling me it's a 'shame' for ds when I say no. Ds is happy. Why is it a shame? He's adored, gets loads of our time, has plenty of friends and is confident and outgoing. Why is that a shame? Ok we would have loved a sibling for him but the choice was taken out of our hands. Who is to say he'd have been any happier with a sibling anyway?

TheBuffyBot · 05/02/2015 17:34

I get this all the time too.

My friend, despite knowing me for the past 7 years and the reasons as to why we won't be trying for anther still mentions it all the time.
"oooooh you're getting broody aren't you time for another" If I so much as glance in the direction of a baby.

"ooooh tell Mummy you want a brother or sister" To DD if she dares look in the direction of a baby.

"Do you think you'll have another" Just out of the blue.

She is so incredibly lovely in every other way, I have told her numerous times about how upsetting it is to be asked all the time and she still does it.
I wish I had an answer for you OP I do it's rude and draining after a while.

What can be said to tell people who do this back off? maybe just "back off" actually...

Oodbrain · 05/02/2015 18:37

I tell people I'm sterilised. They look stunned and stand there gawping Confused

ToysRLuv · 05/02/2015 18:43

I just say that another one would drive me insane, which is the honest truth. DS is now 5, and people stopped asking when he was 3, I think.

CoffeeBeanMonster · 05/02/2015 19:06

I'm happy with one child.

My son is nearly nine and we have regularly been quizzed by relatives, friends and random strangers as to why there isn't a second child.

Just tune them all out.

OwlinaTree · 05/02/2015 22:54

People say it because it's something to say I think.

JassyRadlett · 05/02/2015 23:08

People who can't think of anything better to say than 'when are you going to have another baby' should confine themselves to discussing the weather, I think.