To never ceased to be surprised by virtual strangers asking when I'll have another baby?!

[milkyman]

I find this so rude but people at work, playgroups and next doors builder (!) have asked me this recently. I've had a ms, am nearly 40 and have pcos... so no,the answer is no. Why is my dh never asked this... ever?!

[PacificDogwood]

Yes, it's an utterly thoughtless and offensive question.
But often uttered without malice I think.

I got quite good at saying v dead pan "Well, after all these MCs, who knows?"
Shut the feckers right up but can only be deployed when the situation feels right.

I am now almost 49 and still get asked and I now reply "Never, if Mother Nature has anything to do with it".

[xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv]

I get asked this too. I have said as soon as you buy me a lovely big house and a big car.
Hasn't worked yet

[FrankelandFilly]

Well after posting yesterday to say I hadn't yet been asked, my hairdresser duly obliged today! I told him that as DD was the product of assisted conception we'd be reliant on the local fertility clinic for any more. To his credit he took it in his stride (he's a friend as well as my hairdresser) and apologised before saying he had other friends who were currently going through IVF.

[ChickenMe]

Bloody people.
I'm preg with my first and have already been instructed by FIL to have a second straight away. And asked by a random are you going to have any more. Er I've not had this one yet.
So sorry to anyone who is struggling. When we were trying people kept saying "hurry up" and enquiring after my period. MN has made me much more aware of other people's struggles - I think your average person is a bit dense and doesn't get it.

[GokTwo]

I only occasionally get this now. Last time was from someone in the bank! "Why didn't you have more children!"! !!!' So bloody rude! It was fairly constant when dd was younger. I can understand someone asking if you have any other children but not why!

[elQuintoConyo]

I just laugh heartily and say "god no, next one will be a dog!" That seems to shut them up.

More often, though, i get 'ooh, how lovely, your expecting another' when actually I'm just fat. So I tell them in those exact words without breaking eyecontact.

My DS is an only and will be staying that way, but thanks for being so fucking nosy caring.

[elQuintoConyo]

you're

Terribly sorry

[silverfingersandtoes]

Rather surprised at how precious posters are being.
The entire world doesn't know your gynae, or personal, history. Neither do they want to. People are just being friendly / making conversation / taking an interest, delete as appropriate. You don't have to take umbrage or give any details of your personal life .

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

They're only making conversation FFS.

[ChinaTeaSet]

It's just conversation but it's hurtful.

Like when I went to my daughter's first school for the "welcome to the school" meeting and one mum was late, she burst in and said "Sorry I'm late, its been so busy at work as all the ladies in have chosen to have a miscarriage today"

A month after I had lost my own baby.
I just dissolved into tears and ran out. ex-DH snapped "don't think they chose to miscarry" and came out after me.

[FrankelandFilly]

If they want to make conversation then perhaps they should choose a less potentially sensitive topic. Until you've suffered with fertility issues you have no idea how painful it can be to have people ask you questions about it. Besides, it's not exactly any of their business. You wouldn't just ask someone how their sex life was, which is essentially what they are doing.

[JassyRadlett]

They're only making conversation FFS.

Then they should perhaps think twice about making conversation about anything except the weather if they are so dim as not to be able to see how many reasons this might be a hurtful or upsetting question.

[FiftyShadesOfGreen4205]

I've been lucky enough to not have experienced fertility problems. However I found colleagues asking me loudly and openly in the office whether I'm planning another child as deeply inappropriate. I would never ever ever ask someone without children if they're planning on having any.

It might be conversational, but it's rarely directed at men. It's insensitive and intrusive. Along the lines of assuming pregnancy. Unless the head is coming out of the vagina, just don't assume someone is pregnant.

[FiftyShadesOfGreen4205]

I would say just don't bother.

[JassyRadlett]

People are just being friendly / making conversation / taking an interest, delete as appropriate. You don't have to take umbrage or give any details of your personal life.

So, it's cool to ask people things like 'gosh, you're quite fat aren't you? When are you planning to lose the weight? Don't you think it would be better for your kid if you did?' No, because it would be rude, and hurtful, and unnecessary.

How's it different? There are many, many reasons people may not have had a second child in the socially-mandated timeframe. Some of them are intensely personal. None of them make it kind or helpful to say 'oh, you really should have another, they're great, I feel quite sorry for only children, so much better for them to have a sibling.'

If people on this thread honestly can't be arsed about how the other person in a conversation feels, so long as it doesn't inconvenience them, make them think or leave their curiosity unsatisfied, why not just own up to it?

[JassyRadlett]

Fertility and pregnancy are a minefield. It's impossible to ever say the right thing, other than something so fucking bland you might as well not bother.

Do you not have other topics of conversation?

People with one child are dead easy. I'll help with a starter: 'How is your child?'

See? Easy. No need to ask 'are you and your husband going at it to a defined schedule now, or are you planning to do so at a later date?'

If you really need to know, yes my husband and I are. It is having fuck all effect apart from what was apparently an early miscarriage. Hope that helps?

[PesoPenguin]

I can cope with being asked ( even after 5 years of it) but it's the people who tell me I'm mean/ selfish or demand to know WHY we're not having another that's unreasonable I've even been asked by a vague, male acquaintance ( although he worded it better) if we're just going to have unprotected sex and see what happens...

[Notmymuse]

Ds's teacher asked me at parent's evening if we'd 'chosen to only have one.' I don't know why she asked, it was out of nowhere. She is pregnant at the moment though so maybe that's why? I said we can't have anymore and she said 'that's a shame' and then went on to tell me she hoped her next one was a girl because she'd been slightly disappointed to find she was having a boy this time!
In terms of tact it wasn't great.

[FiftyShadesOfGreen4205]

When you pare it down, it's essentially asking 'is your partner ejactulating in your vagina frequently'?

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

The nicest way I was asked this was by a dutch doctor treated my then 4 yo ds. He said something along the lines of 'you have a happy child, are clearly good parents so sure why not have more' without expectations of an answer from us. I can't due to ill health, medication and a total lack of support.

It bothers me less now but it really isn't anyone's business. I've never asked people if they are having a first, second or fifth. I sometimes say 'that's a very personal question' but I do occasionally take heart that it may seem odd to people 'why not?' more than one because we are happy and doing well.

There are twats everywhere. The gp of someone in the street ran up to me to ask how much my central heating cost. Serious question from the first time I'd ever spoken to her. Inner eye roll and thought that 'aren't some people twats' is called for. It's not ok to ask and you don't have to answer.

[limon]

I shut these rude types up by saying "well I'm 47 And had T at 43 - of course I had three miscarriages the year before and I nearly died when I had T. can't afford another maternity leave anyway". Shuts them off.

[giraffesNeedBigPoloNecks]

I am a nanny. Multiple losses. I constantly get asked by people when I am having my own. Or "do you not want your own then?" Fuck sake wanting your own and HAVING them is not the same. You can't magic it.