To think that DP was overreacting?

[fadgecrackleandpop]

Hi all I have been with DP for nearly 5 years now. We have a 14 month old DD together.

Yesterday morning he was looking through my old Facebook photos (we have no secrets, he doesn't have his own FB profile so he uses mine as well as my phone sometimes. We don't hide anything)

Anyway he must've clicked on my friends album from a night out 7 years ago with a group of new work colleagues. In this album are pictures of me and another man, nothing incriminating were just smiling together. Nothing ever happened with the man in question, I haven't seen or spoken to him for years and I understand that he's married now. Anyway DP saw these pictures and asked why I hadn't gotten rid of them, for a start id more or less forgotten about them and they weren't my pictures to delete.

He noticed that I still had the man in the pictures on FB as a friend and seems to think that I must "hold a torch for him" because of this.

He was going to send myself and DD to my mums last night because he was so pissed off with me. We haven't rowed in ages and this is quite uncharacteristic for him. We talked it through and have since made up but I'm still trying to establish what I've done that was so wrong. We weren't even together when the pictures were taken!! I feel like he's treated me like a cheap slapper who throws herself at men when she gets a drink down her

AIBU?

How the hell can anyone think that it is possible to disrespect someone before you have even met them? Are we all supposed to have crystal balls to see into the future so that we can think "Ah, I mustn't behave like this because in a couple of years or so I will meet X and it is disrespectful to X to do this now even though at the present moment I don't even know X?" It is bollocks, and has no logic to it.

I have a fair number of people on my FB "friends" list who I really hardly know are there. One or two are from my schooldays in the 70s and 80s. Some are men. It is meaningless, and we don't communicate. It is perfectly possible to just forget someone is there and never give it a second thought. I know I do.

Partner needs to extract his head from his arse.

Fabulassie the OP said he could post here if he wanted to.

I don't think we have a satisfactory explanation as to what he was doing threatening to send you and your daughter out of your own home. That, to me, sounds like he regards your presence as conditional in his whim.

I'd be keen to understand precisely what he meant by that and why you're still there waiting for it to happen again.

I don't get kicked out by my husband if we disagree and he'd never, ever suggest evicting our daughter.

Just to add, I think that him reading your FB page is actually controlling, and indicates a large degree of insecurity/jealousy, call it what you will.

Change the passwords for places you regularly go online. Don't let him have them, and make sure you sign out every time you leave the sites, rather than choosing to remain automatically logged in, as you can do here, on FB and on many other sites.

If he wants to use FB then he must have his own account. Simple.

I don't think he has fucked about either.
I think he is a misogynist with controlling/abusive tendencies!

Does he stonewall you? (Ignore you for long periods of time)
Does he gaslight you? (rewrites history, says things then denies them making you think you've gone mad)
Does he do his fair share of housework/looking after DD?

I think the penny is going to drop about just how ugly your partner's behaviour really is OP

He ignores me if we row but to be fair we don't row often. He doesn't gaslight me. If he's said something in the past and I bring it up he doesn't deny it. He doesn't do a lot of housework but will if he sees its really getting on top of me. He looked after DD whilst I was on night shifts ( I've since given up work due to a grievance with my employer)

Blimey.

The problem is he still thinks he has done nothing wrong with the whole 'these photos disrespect me' angle. The fact that he identified the man's hands on your are because the shirt sleeves were the same as the one where you were stood together! Fuck me, he's really been snooping about your photos. Oh and him not wanting his friends to see them, what his friends go through your 7 year old Facebook photos? No don't think so. He's talking Shite. It's all about him a day his insecurities.

I would never put up with this "you disrespect me" bollocks.

"He doesn't have another phone that I don't know about"

You're probably right OP, but I love your confidence.

Are you going to get back into working?
Is your DH happy to support you in your career?
Are you happy being at home/housewife? It suits a lot of people. I couldn't do it but that says more about me than anything.

I'm not sure this is LTB scenario. It may take some work on his side but you could get through it if you want to.

Who goes through someone's facebook when you've been together 5 years and have a kid?

I mean, what the actual fuck?

Fair enough everyone does a bit of FB stalking when you are first dating to check out their photos etc. But after 5 years? Just how paranoid/weird and insecure do you have to be to do that?

I'm not sure this is LTB scenario.

If someone told me to take my child and go, they wouldn't need to tell me twice. Especially over something so stupid, trivial and which exists only in his vile, fetid imagination.

I'm not surprised her OH wanted to communicate here. Controlling people always like to have their say. I'm actually surprised that it doesn't happen more often.

Hopefully the comments here have given him some food for thought OP. He needs to care more about what you think of him, and a lot less about what his friends think of you. I can almost picture his friends, it's so predictable. Never mind what you did in your past, a cause for concern in the here and now is why is he friends with men who apparently cannot respect you as a normal human being? Is it because they take their cue on how to react to you from him? If he really does love you he needs to grow up and protect his relationship. If he won't, then perhaps he deserves to grow old among a group of other bitter lonely old men.

I think you need to tread quite carefully and give your situation some thought, OP. Inadequate wankers like your H often choose younger women as partners because they are desperate to feel superior and to be the boss. Unfortunately, problems often start when the initially-dazzled younger woman grows up a bit and starts seeing her partner as a human being with normal human flaws rather than her perfect lord and master.
Some of these pathetic men, the type who can't cope with the idea that women are people rather than a cross between pets and servants, respond to their partner's maturity by dumping her for another young, awestruck, flattered girl (though there comes a point when the male failure is simply too old to attract inexperienced young women any more). Others, unfortunately, turn to bullying the current partner and trying to train her into abject obedience.

Whatever else you do, OP, bear in mind that people who make a big deal out of wanting 'respect' are generally the ones who are not worth respecting in the first place.

Even ignoring how possessive and controlling this guy is, how can you feel secure in living with him? You are only allowed to live with him on his say so and you will return too on his say so. I wouldn't be able to relax in case he once again became irrational over something pathetic as 7 year old photos.

Does this friend have an empty page? Otherwise me must have really had to do some digging to find an album from 7 years ago.

It's the man from the photo here, I still think about grabbing OP's arse through her dress. Not to mention all the other stuff we did that there aren't photos of on facebook.

"There is nothing particularly suggestive but I do feel genuinely humiliated by the fact that a lot of my friends will have seen these images and must be thinking daft sod is going out with her and there's pictures of her with other men from years ago that she hasn't deleted. I know that she's had relationships with 2 other people before me but it isn't thrust in my face."

I HATE this attitude. So what if there's a photo out there in the world somewhere of your girlfriend and somebody else? So bloody what? It's called life, in which you can't predict the future. What if you died in a year and she got together with someone else in 5 years time? Should she delete all photos of you two together and ask everyone else to do the same? How would she hide the baby you had together?

Anyway, OP, I think the first thing you need to think about is the security of your accommodation. Do you rent or own together? I'm guessing if your partner is a farmer it's a family house so you have no rights in it?

Ha ha - I've got 5 exes on facebook as friends because....they are still my friends! I even have the odd conversation with them [shock horror].

Unless you married someone who had never had a relationship before - fucking get a grip.