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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DP was overreacting?

121 replies

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 09:37

Hi all I have been with DP for nearly 5 years now. We have a 14 month old DD together.

Yesterday morning he was looking through my old Facebook photos (we have no secrets, he doesn't have his own FB profile so he uses mine as well as my phone sometimes. We don't hide anything)

Anyway he must've clicked on my friends album from a night out 7 years ago with a group of new work colleagues. In this album are pictures of me and another man, nothing incriminating were just smiling together. Nothing ever happened with the man in question, I haven't seen or spoken to him for years and I understand that he's married now. Anyway DP saw these pictures and asked why I hadn't gotten rid of them, for a start id more or less forgotten about them and they weren't my pictures to delete.

He noticed that I still had the man in the pictures on FB as a friend and seems to think that I must "hold a torch for him" because of this.

He was going to send myself and DD to my mums last night because he was so pissed off with me. We haven't rowed in ages and this is quite uncharacteristic for him. We talked it through and have since made up but I'm still trying to establish what I've done that was so wrong. We weren't even together when the pictures were taken!! I feel like he's treated me like a cheap slapper who throws herself at men when she gets a drink down her

AIBU?

OP posts:

zeezeek · 05/02/2015 11:17

I think you both need to get the hell off the internet, talk to each other and stop airing your dirty linen in public.

I cannot think of a single instance in my marriage where I would show my husband a thread on MN about him and ask him to explain himself.

We all have a past. Get over it. My DH is 20 years older than me and we both had a past before each other - including dodgy pictures (him) and serial drunken one night stands (me). You can't go back and undo what you did before you met your partner and no person worth their salt would want anyone to.

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/02/2015 11:18

It is none of your business, you weren't together at the time. If you don't get that you really do have a problem.

And it doesn't matter if you were just 'calling her bluff' last night, it was a nasty, controlling thing to do.

Original poster

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 11:20

My diet isn't great. Partner cooks all meals from scratch but it's what I eat in between. My job in quite physical so I get exercise one way or anther. I've never been a great sleeper but even more disturbed now. I've been looking into legal advice.
My brother doesn't talk to me, he's 10 years older and was left some inheritance when my dad died (he died before I was born) so he's always had a hold over mum with the assets he owns. Now she's gone they're just being impossible. Things like having to calve cows by torch light because if I have the lights in the shed on it reduces the power for his wife's shower, complaining because when our daughter is running around the garden at 10am in the morning she's too noisy (they live next door to us). There's a lot more to it and I know that I shouldn't be taking it t on my partner. I saw red. She had these pics on her FB, and her phone and she still has him as a friend on FB. She's told me she doesn't particularly like him but it had never really entered her head to unfriend him

OP posts:

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 05/02/2015 11:20

Is Mumsnet the new Judge Judy or something?!

This is the second post I have read where "partners" play out an argument on a public forum.

Very unedifying.

On the off chance this is genuine, LTB. Obviously.

QueenofallIsee · 05/02/2015 11:25

It was years ago and you thinking that people you know think you are a knob for being with her due to some old FB pics is a total crock of shit - they are probably wondering what the feck she is doing with you. You can justify yourself all you like, you are still being a twunt. Leave your poor wife alone and get a grip on yourself.

Original poster

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 11:25

well believe what you want to believe. We don't air our dirty laundry on FB at all. I just feel like the picture are disrespectful towards me. I couldn't and still can't to a degree understand her motivation to keep them on there

OP posts:

Arsenic · 05/02/2015 11:26

We need a two OP faclity with different colours.

Seriouslyffs · 05/02/2015 11:27

OP's partner.
Apologise to her about the facebook rubbish and concentrate on your situation now. You picked on her because of the other stresses in your life. Accept that, apologise and concentrate on the present and how you can sort out the farm and extended family situation.

Arsenic · 05/02/2015 11:27

Faclity? Facility.

Look why don't you just stop getting worked up over such childish nonsense? Untag. Forget it.

cailindana · 05/02/2015 11:27

Your stresses are completely irrelevant. It is never acceptable to behave the way you did, no matter how stressed you are.

It strikes me, MrFadge, that you have a very low opinion of women - that if you see a picture of a woman on FB, fully clothed, having a laugh, with a man's hand on her arse you think she's a slapper. The fact that you believe your friends will judge you for a random picture on your partner's FB feed shows you and your friends up as extremely immature and misogynistic. Why would they even care about a picture??

You say yourself that your partner is fantastic and supportive and yet you're willing to behave like this towards her, for what? In case your "friends" think you're a daft sod for going out with her. You're a total fuckwit.

Fadge, get away from this man, quickly.

Doobigetta · 05/02/2015 11:30

I would imagine it's a point of principle now that you have demanded she takes them down. I sure as hell wouldn't be pandering to your insecurities- that way madness lies. Seriously, this is a very destructive way to behave. You need to stop, or you will eventually destroy either your marriage or your wife's happiness. Is that what you want?

Fudgeface123 · 05/02/2015 11:31

Maybe she hasn't de-friended him because she hasn't given him a second thought. Grow up

DropYourSword · 05/02/2015 11:31

It's not even tagged though Arsenic

laughingmyarseoff · 05/02/2015 11:32

Yabu ops partner and very insecure. This kind of behaviour is a massive red flag of controlling behavior- threatening to send them away...seriously? Next time send yourself away.

Since this is oOC for you, You should look into counselling. Sounds like you have a lot of shit going on and it's leading to issues, you are picking fights and taking stress out on your partner. This is unfair.

BuzzardBird · 05/02/2015 11:33

Your partner has no control of what other people put on FB and tag her into. I am always grinding my teeth at what other people tag me into. You can't delete them, you can only stop them from being posted onto your wall.

I am friends with 2 of my x's (long term relationships), this is not a threat to my DH, why should it be?

cailindana · 05/02/2015 11:34

What else are you going to do when stressed MrFadge? Are you going to suddenly decide it's "disrespectful" for your partner to have any male friends?

The only course of action that will redeem you now is to apologise, wholeheartedly, and promise never to do anything like this again.

stormtreader · 05/02/2015 11:36

She had a life before you, she even exists when youre not present, as shocking as that might be to think of, talking to other people and everything!
She could have shagged this other bloke up down and sideways and it doesnt affect your life in the slightest because YOU WERENT DATING HER THEN. She shouldnt have to pretend that parts of her life never happened or that she should be ashamed of them by deleting pictures, unfriending people etc, she did nothing wrong at all.

If you were really looking out for her, you would have suggested that YOU leave the house and go out into the snow.

I expect your friends would be baffled if you showed them pictures of your partner from before you met expecting a judgement, but they would very much be judging your totally disproportionate reaction to them and to you suggesting she leave the house and take the baby into the snow.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2015 11:37

I just feel like the picture are disrespectful towards me
WHY?????? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!
It was BEFORE she even met you.
Stop making everything about YOU!!
She CAN'T delete them!!!
She has her own mind and her own past and she can do what she wants.
You don't get to CONTROL what she does or what she did in the past.
There are red flags waving for me here with OP's partner!

OP - please stop him using your facebook. If he wants access to it then he can open his own account. It takes about 3 minutes and is not difficult.

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2015 11:37

It's not that I don't trust her, it's other men I don't trust

Classic jealous guys response for acting like an arsehole.

OPs partner, she didn't even know you when those fucking photos were taken! Plus they're not on her page they're on a mates page so she can't delete them! She can untag herself but not delete them because they're her mates photos not hers, get it??!!

Jackiebrambles · 05/02/2015 11:37

Christ on a bike.

Do you ask her to erase any memory of previous sexual encounters too?

Burn photos?

You need to get over yourself big time. If you think that your friends would actually look at that photo and think anything at all about it with regards to you or your girlfriend you need to grow up. And you are 12 years her senior too! You should know better.

Original poster

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 11:39

I'm back. Just read through. I knew about the picture but didn't think my friend had uploaded it. I'm not tagged in it and again it isn't incriminating. fudgeface you took the words right out of my mouth there.

I've told him that he will not belittle me and that I will not be a little woman who slaves over the stove for him. No way!

He's very old fashioned but he needs to realise that it is not acceptable to treat women like that anymore. It's sexist and mysoginistic.
There are perhaps reasons for why he overreacted like he did but there are certainly no excuses.

I was willing to forgive and forget but I'm not so sure now. I think a lot of damage has been done and he's shown his ugly side. He expects me to feel secure in our home but how can I? FGS he wanted me to drive up to my mum's last night because he was having a tantrum

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2015 11:45

Counselling might work for him.
I'm not sure how appropriate it is for a man to the complete the 'Freedom Programme' but it might show him what he SHOULDN'T be doing.
Someone more knowledgeable might know about that.
Or speak to Womens Aid and find out if the Freedom Programme might help him understand how his behaviour is not OK and why????

RabidFairy · 05/02/2015 11:46

What they all said.
Your partner had a life before she met you and it's not up to her to paint a different picture because you can't handle it. Grow up.

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2015 11:46

can't to a degree understand her motivation to keep them on there

This is your problem OP. He genuinely seems to think that your FB friend having old pics of you up is YOU disrespecting him!!! Not on! And don't even start me on the throwing you (and your DC!) out of the house because he was having a tantrum but then he didn't really mean it!

He's obviously under stress atm but you've found out that his way of dealing with stress is ugly and destructive.

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2015 11:47

Awaits deletion message

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