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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DP was overreacting?

121 replies

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 09:37

Hi all I have been with DP for nearly 5 years now. We have a 14 month old DD together.

Yesterday morning he was looking through my old Facebook photos (we have no secrets, he doesn't have his own FB profile so he uses mine as well as my phone sometimes. We don't hide anything)

Anyway he must've clicked on my friends album from a night out 7 years ago with a group of new work colleagues. In this album are pictures of me and another man, nothing incriminating were just smiling together. Nothing ever happened with the man in question, I haven't seen or spoken to him for years and I understand that he's married now. Anyway DP saw these pictures and asked why I hadn't gotten rid of them, for a start id more or less forgotten about them and they weren't my pictures to delete.

He noticed that I still had the man in the pictures on FB as a friend and seems to think that I must "hold a torch for him" because of this.

He was going to send myself and DD to my mums last night because he was so pissed off with me. We haven't rowed in ages and this is quite uncharacteristic for him. We talked it through and have since made up but I'm still trying to establish what I've done that was so wrong. We weren't even together when the pictures were taken!! I feel like he's treated me like a cheap slapper who throws herself at men when she gets a drink down her

AIBU?

OP posts:

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/02/2015 09:52

His behaviour was utterly ridiculous. It sounds like he was looking for an issue so he can potentially use it against you/use it as justification for his bad behaviour.

cailindana · 05/02/2015 09:53

I would think that if you search his name very carefully OP he might already have his own FB page.

CundtBake · 05/02/2015 09:57

OP, if he's usually like that then please just run for the hills. I don't say things like that lightly but reading this made me think of my abusive controlling twat of an ex.

You are entitled to have friendships with men. Whether you are in a relationship or not. And no he doesn't get to 'send' you and your baby anywhere.

molyholy · 05/02/2015 10:03

Oh my god. What a prick!! Cheeky get. Going to 'send' you and your daughter to your mums!!!! So also, not only was he pissed off with you, he also couldn't be arsed looking after his own child. Loser.

TheIronGnome · 05/02/2015 10:15

I also think he's setting himself up for an 'out' of some sort... Is that likely op? It's totally ridiculous as an isolated incident, he must have an agenda- it makes no sense.

Feminine · 05/02/2015 10:27

Be careful.
I think his behaviour is alarming.
I am not prone to thinking like this normally.

Original poster

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 10:36

I was particularly pissed off as were in deep snow up here and there was no way that I was going to put DDs life at risk by venturing out in it last night.

There's an age gap, he's 12 years my senior so he's always been a little bit insecure but I wouldn't say he's controlling. He doesn't stop me from seeing friends, going on nights out etc (although they are rare with a young child)

He wasn't snooping on my friends FB he'd been clicking through pictures on this particular album that I'd been tagged in. He'd looked through the whole album of that particular night and seen pictures that I hadn't been tagged in but was still in if that makes any sense!?

The rowing is uncharacteristic. His mum recently died and there has been a lot of aggro over the will and the family business (which is the only income we have at the moment) his brother is trying to see that he gets no benefit from it.

He said that he felt as though I wasn't happy with him and he feels guilty because I've missed out on a lot of my young life (which I haven't) he wanted to set me free basically

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 05/02/2015 10:36

He is so U! Even if you'd had old photos of you snogging an actual ex that's no reason to "send" you anywhere. That response would've sent me straight to the divorce courts. What a knob!

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2015 10:40

I'm also getting the word 'PROJECTING'!!!

feelinghothothot · 05/02/2015 10:45

Another vote for cheating.

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2015 10:49

I'd be taking up his offer to set me free, if I were you. You weren't even with the guy at the time the photo was taken and it's not an ex boyfriend (not that that makes a huge difference.) Who the hell does he think he is?

cailindana · 05/02/2015 10:52

So he wanted to throw you and your baby out into the snow?

Is there something serious going on with him mentally?

Having a childish strop or wobble isn't a dealbreaker, but getting so worked up about it and expecting you to leave the house because of such a non-issue is worrying.

The fact that he wanted to "let you go" is also a cheating red flag unfortunately.

Original poster

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 11:06

Poster's partner here. She has shown me this thread and I thought I'd better explain myself whilst she has a shower.
What I didnt (and still haven't) told my partner is that when looking through the images that she hadn't been tagged in I came across one of (what I presume to be) her arse, covered up with her dress but with the fella's hands on it ( I could tell it was him because the shirt sleeves matched the shirt he had on in the other pictures) Like I said, she maybe doesn't know that this picture was taken although I suspect that she's seen it and I tagged herself. She tells me that she cannot delete pictures that other people have put on FB she can only ask them to delete the images on her behalf which she refuses to ask.
There is nothing particularly suggestive but I do feel genuinely humiliated by the fact that a lot of my friends will have seen these images and must be thinking daft sod is going out with her and there's pictures of her with other men from years ago that she hasn't deleted.
I know that she's had relationships with 2 other people before me but it isn't thrust in my face. I wasn't snooping, I'm not cheating and I regret talking to her the way I did last night. It was a complete overreaction. I'm at risk of losing the family business that I've worked so hard to build up which means no job, no income with a family to support. I feel as though if this were to happen then I am only hindering her. She's 12 years younger than me and yes I'm insecure about that to a degree. It's not that I don't trust her, it's other men I don't trust.
I want her to know that I have to pinch myself everyday to remind myself just how lucky I am to have her. She really has supported me through thick and thin. I didn't mean what I said last night about her going to her mums. I was calling her bluff. If she'd have gone I'd have been straight in my car to bring her back.

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 05/02/2015 11:11

Get the FUCK over yourself OP's partner!

Now you're checking up on her mumsnet account and using her log in to post a message.

TheIronGnome · 05/02/2015 11:12

You need to grow up and sort out your insecurities. Communication is key, and putting information on here that you haven't even discussed with her is very telling.

The photos are irrelevant. I've never deleted any from my past and don't intend on doing so. I certainly wouldn't ask someone to without VERY good reason, which you don't have.

Your DP is her own woman, saying you don't trust other men around her but do trust her is a contradiction, and nonsense.

Sort yourself out otherwise before too long you won't have a relationship to worry about, I've seen the same thing before and given the same advice which wasn't taken. That relationship is now over.

Seriouslyffs · 05/02/2015 11:12

I think the facebook pictures stuff is bonkers and you're massively overreacting.
I also think you're under an incredible stress at the moment and that's coming out sideways- posting on this thread is also pretty stupid too. What can you do do feel less powerless about the family business? Can you get legal advice? Are you sleeping ok and if not what can you do to look after yourself? Look at your diet and drink, exercise etc. and see your GP.
Don't jeopardise your relationship or take other stuff that's going on non your life on your partner who sounds lovely.

Original poster

fadgecrackleandpop · 05/02/2015 11:13

She's shown me the thread and told me to explain myself while she takes a shower. I'm not checking up on her. She's asked me to do this! No need to be so rude

OP posts:

cailindana · 05/02/2015 11:13

You don't trust other men? What do you think they'll do? Rape her?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2015 11:14

Wowzers. You need to get over this insecurity or at least learn how to hide it.
This was BEFORE she met you!
So frickin' what if he had his hand on her arse.
This is the 21st century you know?
And no she cannot delete pics that other people have posted.
I have a long term partner and I still have pictures of my ExH on facebook. Why wouldn't I?

If she's not tagged in the photo then your 'so called' friends probably haven't seen it unless they are friends with the person who posted it in the first place.
Honestly, get over yourself or you risk loosing your lovely wife and mother of your child.
This sort of overreaction can drive a real wedge into relationships and make the other person think all sorts of things (as we have here).
Stop the possessive over jealous crap and you'll have a long and happy life together.

Altinkum · 05/02/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fudgeface123 · 05/02/2015 11:15

FFS, it was before you even met and none of your business and I'm sure your friends wouldn't give a flying fuck about what she did before you met

Altinkum · 05/02/2015 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyAcheybreakyBones · 05/02/2015 11:16

Op posters partner brought some red flags with him I think.

Op dp you have insecurity issues verging on going to mind fuckery with the send her to her mums only to chase after her (if she had left then it would imply she was the guilty party and validate you enough to go after her. none of it is your dp's problem, sort it out, I sypathise with your family situation but it doesnt justify punishing op in this way.

DropYourSword · 05/02/2015 11:16

No need to be so rude? You posted this while she was in the shower. Which very much implies you know she wouldn't want you to do it. And you're "humiliated" because of one picture of her from seven years ago where she's fully clothed with someone's hand on her bum.

Again, I say, get the fuck over yourself. And that's me being fucking polite.

Feminine · 05/02/2015 11:16

Why don't you have your own Facebook Mister?
You still make me nervous.
Be aware women can get help and support these days.
Behaviour that might have 'worked' in years gone by, are slowly being irradiated.
Sort yourself out please.

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