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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move in with adult stepsons?

93 replies

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 05:05

I live with my 9 year old DD from my previous marriage. My partner is 10 years older than me and has two children aged 26 and 30. I live in small but lovely 2 bed home with DD where we are very happy. Partner has large but scruffy house. We have been together a few years but I have never really wanted to live with him.

However, we are now expecting a baby (my miracle baby as thought I couldn't have anymore). I could stay here, and obv baby will be in room with me to start with anyway. I am self employed hairdresser but my income is relatively low so i would struggle to increase my mortgage to buy a 3 bed (we live in Kent) and would probably have to get an employed job, which is not a problem really as there are usually hairdressing jobs going locally.

Or, DP suggests that we move in with him. One of his sons (who is 30) lives there part time (stays at gf few nights a week) and sorry but he is a messy pig. DP showed me his room the other day and it is a stinking hovel. I was shocked. You can smell it as you walk past the room. He also at his age has to be told that he really should take a shower, brush his teeth, that his hair/clothes need a wash (by DP,not by me!!). His spare time is spent glued to xbox.

DP has now announced that another of his sons, aged 26 will also be moving in. He is a nice chap and not unhygienic like the other but is finishing full time study in a few months therefore when we move in will not be working.

I do not see these lads as my stepsons - there is same age gap between me and eldest, and me and DP! They are the same age as my friends. I have barely had any contact with them since we have been together - just had them over for Christmas, seen at birthdays etc. I do like them as people, but our lives have been quite seperate. DP and I have split several times over the last couple of years and DP has told them his story (ie. missing out what he has done to me) and I really don't think they like me.

At first I agreed to all this but now I am thinking I am going to be at home with newborn baby and two adult men whom I don't really know (the one who works, works some nights so is often home daytime). I just don't want to do it and am being made to feel that I am unreasonable because of this.

I just feel that for a start us living together for the first time, and even more so bringing home a newborn, should be quiet and peaceful and somewhere I feel at home and relaxed to have best possible chance of things working out. I have spoken at length to DD about the possibility of moving and she said she would be happy to move (bigger bedroom, bigger garden etc!) but she would be equally happy here and I do worry about if we move in and things go wrong and we have to move out again, the upheaval/changes/effect it would have on her

To me, I make sense, but I wonder if those pregnancy hormones are making me unreasonable/selfish and I just can't see it

OP posts:

herintheredskirt · 04/02/2015 05:08

You make sense. Definitely definitely do not move :)

diggerdigsdogs · 04/02/2015 05:26

No way would I move in.

It's ok to change your mind after you've thought through the realities. It's also understandable that he would want to live with you and his daughter! But it just sounds untenable and massively stressful.

One thing - if you are pushed into moving in with him - do not for the love of god sell your house. Does he live far away from you?

FishWithABicycle · 04/02/2015 05:28

YANBU. Don't do it. These overgrown children would make your life hell.
Stay in your own place - but your DP should be capable of contributing the difference between mortgage repayments on your existing 2-bed and the 3-bed you are going to need. It's ok to choose to live separately and still be life partners as his living situation is incompatible with yours, but that doesn't absolve him of financial responsibility for the life he has helped to create.

Congratulations by the way.

rootypig · 04/02/2015 05:30

You speak total and utter sense. No, do not move.

Though, do give thought to how this will work in terms of you and your partner will share care of the baby, and if you will have the support that you need.

Thumbwitch · 04/02/2015 05:35

YADNBU.
Do not do it.
Stay in your own home.
Your DP should support you and your baby; but really his home is completely unsuitable in its current state for you and your DD and baby to move into.
Apart from anything else, you don't want to move into a hostile environment, and you certainly don't want to take a new baby into it!

Keep your house.

Original poster

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 05:43

Thanks for your replies. I feel less like I am going mad now and not trusting my judgement!

I understand he may well want to live with our new baby and us (DD is not his) but part of me thinks also he doesn't. He keeps telling me I will be doing the majority of childcare, he is too old, has to work etc. I am okay with that. I wanted a second DC for so, so many years. I will get a years maternity allowance from self employment so will be okay, able to pay bills and get by fine. I know he will help financially.

When we first looked at moving in together my suggestion was to sell both places and buy somewhere nice together and have a small mortgage. But he refuses to sell his place right now. I think he thinks if I move without him then it signals relationship will never move forward, and if he feels this way I don't trust him not to cheat.

Fish - if only he would help re mortgage. I have already seen financial advisors and cannot get the extra on mortgage in my current situation. He won't help with this.

I have told him my feelings and he was just well thats fine. I said to him I feel he is choosing to house his two adult kids rather than live with his new baby. I should say the kids mother lives nearby and has 4 bed house with just her and her DP so there is plenty of room for them there.

OP posts:

diggerdigsdogs · 04/02/2015 06:03

Sorry for some reason I assumed the new baby was also a DD (please come back and tell me if I guessed right )

He will have to contribute financially one way or another (private arrangement, CSa, whatever). It may be worth checking on the calculator what he would have to pay if it went to CSa if you know his rough income.
How old is your Dd? Could she share with the new baby for a bit? You don't have to have the perfect arrangement straight away after all and maybe you can simply make do for a bit.

Regardless of how much you wanted another dc and how old and set in his ways the reality is the baby is on the way and he either will have to change or you may sadly decide there isn't much future for you too.

Very big congratulations btw.

diggerdigsdogs · 04/02/2015 06:03

Two not too!

Original poster

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 06:14

Hehe digger - I am hoping you are right and will find out shortly - will let you know!

DD is 9 and I wouldn't want her to share because of her being woken in the night by baby and being tired for school. I have planned re-arrangement of my bedroom to make room for snuzzpod and changing table. That's all we'll need to start [stops self thinking of pretty nursery of that could be created in a new home]

Financially, I would clearly be better off moving in with him and wouldn't have any money issues them. But a peaceful home where I feel comfortable is more important than money to me.

Besides I don't think his lads are going to be comfortable if I pop out a boob to b/f!!

OP posts:

paxtecum · 04/02/2015 06:16

Stay in your house.
You will end up being their skivvy,

He should pay you some 'maintenance' sort of money.

waithorse · 04/02/2015 07:06

Good luck.

Nextwednesday · 04/02/2015 07:18

Omg I can't think of anything worse than living with two grown men, smelly and unemployed, who really should be living independent lives by now. He should be telling them it's time to move on as he sets up home for his new family.

I wouldn't want to do that as a single person much less as a mum of a 9 year old girl and a newborn.

However it doesn't sound as if he would consider this nor does it sound like he is going to be much support at all to you. As long as you are prepared to go it alone, stick to your current arrangement.

MaryWestmacott · 04/02/2015 07:34

Stick to current arrangements for now, could you rent out your house and rent another larger one, using maintenance to cover the difference?

Have you talked about maintenance yet?

LayMeDown · 04/02/2015 07:37

No way would I do this. Besides from anything else I think it would be uncomfortable for a 9 year old DD to move in with 3 adult men 2 of whom she does not know. No stay where you are. By he 2 lids can share a room once you are through the baby stage.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 07:39

Don't then

LadyLuck10 · 04/02/2015 07:42

Yanbu at all op. You are very uncertain right now so imagine having a new baby and living in that sticky situation. Also it would be a huge adjustment for your dd to be suddenly living with 3 adult men. Stay in your current place and see how your dp still feels and then decide how to move forward.

bloodyteenagers · 04/02/2015 07:45

I know you said he won't contribute to help you buy a bigger place.
Couldn't you use money he gives for his child for this purpose?

But there is no way in hell would I live with all those
Man children.
You know you will become their skivvy because you are the one at home and female. All cooking, cleaning, washing etc for 4 adults and 2 children.
If he really wanted the move he could go with the sensible option of both selling and buying somewhere
Together.

Moniker1 · 04/02/2015 07:46

I would wait, there will be many months when baby is in your room, baby doesn't care where she sleeps, perhaps move her to the living room if she disturbs you.
Your DD could have her in with her if DD wore soft earplugs. Or once baby sleeps through she could go in with DD.
I would wait and see. Either of the DSs could move in with a gf, move away through work, move in with their DM. A scruffy adult isn't going to change his ways anytime soon.
Could you move somewhere cheaper? Perhaps a better paid job for you might appear. just wait meanwhile.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/02/2015 07:51

Keep the baby in your room til it's 2. In that time id bet it will either be over with your partner or the two sons will have moved on.

Never sell your house, it sounds like a lovely home.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 07:51

No no no, unless they move out and dp tidies the house, you stay put. Sounds awful, you have to put you and babba first.

no73 · 04/02/2015 07:53

No way would I do this. You have already said that you have split a couple of times and you are opening yourself up to ending up homeless for a bit if things don't work out. You will be there skivvy as others have said because you would not be able to tolerate living in a crap hole.

Plus he is already telling you that you will be doing nearly everything?!?!?! This does sound a great basis for an ideal home situation and will lead to many arguments.

Stay put, see if you can create an extra room in the loft at some point.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 07:55

He has to make sacrifices himself, he is not willing so you stay put in your lovely comfortable home. Tbh from what you said, the relationship does not sound like it will last long.

viva100 · 04/02/2015 07:56

I wouldn't do it. He doesn't sound very supportive and you'll end up taking care of a new baby AND 3 adult men, 2 of which don't even like you nor want you there. It sounds like a nightmare.
And please don't give up your home! Your DD and your new baby are your priority and all 3 of you will be very unhappy in that set up.
Congratulations on the new baby :)

bloodygorgeous · 04/02/2015 07:58

There is no way I would do this.

Definitely stay at home. And in no way become financially dependant on this guy.

I'd also be concerned about why the adult sons are so infantalised - I feel sorry for them actually - in terms of his parenting skills.

I feel like you wanted a baby and this man happened to do. Is that true? Do you love him? What's your relationship like?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/02/2015 08:02

He tells you you will be doing all the work and refuses to pay any contribution? He sounds like a peach do not move in with him, ever

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