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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to move in with adult stepsons?

93 replies

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 05:05

I live with my 9 year old DD from my previous marriage. My partner is 10 years older than me and has two children aged 26 and 30. I live in small but lovely 2 bed home with DD where we are very happy. Partner has large but scruffy house. We have been together a few years but I have never really wanted to live with him.

However, we are now expecting a baby (my miracle baby as thought I couldn't have anymore). I could stay here, and obv baby will be in room with me to start with anyway. I am self employed hairdresser but my income is relatively low so i would struggle to increase my mortgage to buy a 3 bed (we live in Kent) and would probably have to get an employed job, which is not a problem really as there are usually hairdressing jobs going locally.

Or, DP suggests that we move in with him. One of his sons (who is 30) lives there part time (stays at gf few nights a week) and sorry but he is a messy pig. DP showed me his room the other day and it is a stinking hovel. I was shocked. You can smell it as you walk past the room. He also at his age has to be told that he really should take a shower, brush his teeth, that his hair/clothes need a wash (by DP,not by me!!). His spare time is spent glued to xbox.

DP has now announced that another of his sons, aged 26 will also be moving in. He is a nice chap and not unhygienic like the other but is finishing full time study in a few months therefore when we move in will not be working.

I do not see these lads as my stepsons - there is same age gap between me and eldest, and me and DP! They are the same age as my friends. I have barely had any contact with them since we have been together - just had them over for Christmas, seen at birthdays etc. I do like them as people, but our lives have been quite seperate. DP and I have split several times over the last couple of years and DP has told them his story (ie. missing out what he has done to me) and I really don't think they like me.

At first I agreed to all this but now I am thinking I am going to be at home with newborn baby and two adult men whom I don't really know (the one who works, works some nights so is often home daytime). I just don't want to do it and am being made to feel that I am unreasonable because of this.

I just feel that for a start us living together for the first time, and even more so bringing home a newborn, should be quiet and peaceful and somewhere I feel at home and relaxed to have best possible chance of things working out. I have spoken at length to DD about the possibility of moving and she said she would be happy to move (bigger bedroom, bigger garden etc!) but she would be equally happy here and I do worry about if we move in and things go wrong and we have to move out again, the upheaval/changes/effect it would have on her

To me, I make sense, but I wonder if those pregnancy hormones are making me unreasonable/selfish and I just can't see it Sad

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 04/02/2015 10:39

I wouldn't move in on that basis even if his sons were as nice as pie. It's fine if he is happy to house them but he must see that you being happy to move into a house with your Dd and new baby with three adults already there is hardly ideal.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 10:42

Gloopy I disagree, I would expect certain standards of hygiene from 2 grown adults, they have a responsibility to themselves to keep themselves to a certain standard of cleanliness. It's absolutely op right to not want to move her family into that environment. I see op cleaning up after 3 grown men whilst looking after her two children, as not many would want to live in those conditions. In addition, her partner has warned her of his U involvement, that's a dealbreaker. May as well go it alone!

kittycatz · 04/02/2015 11:01

YADNBU. Stay in your own home. It sounds like a nightmare. Imagine if both adult sons then move girlfriends in - or even just have them over several nights a week. The house would be full to bursting. It will be a nightmare - people slobbing around on the sofa in the living room, making a mess and not cleaning up. The hygienic situation will drive you mad in no time and you will end up having to do the washing for 3 men and clean the house. The bathroom will be a pigsty and on top of all of this you have a DD and will have a new baby which will be stressful.
Please stay in your own home and make arrangements for proper financial support from your partner. The children could share a room at first (plenty of children have to) which will give you more time to plan what you would like to do long term. Is there any way you could plan to extend your house to gain more space? This would obviously need good financial planning too. I presume the father of DD is contributing adequately?
Please stay where you are - I know I have already said that but I lived with a boyfriend for 2 years who was an absolute slob - similar hygienic issues to the 30 year old son - wouldn't wash etc. It drove me absolutely mad and I eventually managed to throw him out. I couldn't stand it and I didn't have a DD and a new baby.

Lasvegas · 04/02/2015 12:07

The man is odd choosing to live with 2 adult sons and not with his partner and his baby.

I think 9 year old would be more adversely affected by moving in to partners house, than the baby would be.

You should not sell your place, maybe you and he could rent out current houses and rent one for all 4 of you.

don't move in with him, i have an adult Skid and I couldn't share a house with him.

Reddragon116 · 04/02/2015 12:08

Save all the maintenance/ tax credits you can over the next few years. - the baby can share with you fir ages 3/4 even and buy 'up' or extend with a lump sum.

needaholidaynow · 04/02/2015 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrimalLass · 04/02/2015 12:35

GloopyGhoul Wed 04-Feb-15 10:15:52
Why on earth should he tell his sons to move out?
__

Because they are adults and he is having a baby with his girlfriend, perhaps?

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 12:40

Gloopy if they did split up and the baby went every weekend to their dad, op has every right to know if it's going to be properly looked after, and live in a reasonable standard of cleanliness.

QuintlessShadows · 04/02/2015 12:44

Oh gawd, no, dont move.

GloopyGhoul · 04/02/2015 12:49

I just think that there a lot of assumptions being made, who knows, maybe if OP & her DP had a proper sit down with everyone, the supposedly smelly son might realise that he is viewed that way, and freshen up a bit!

Perhaps I missed something, but I understood the OP had described the house as scruffy (minus one bedroom) - I doubt the new baby would be living in squalor.

Primal yes, and the new baby does not need to trump his existing children.

I don't see that the OP and her partner, and his sons if necessary, can't figure out a way to all live where everyone's as happy as possible. If that's living apart, then cool. If it's some combination of together, then cool.

bettyboop1970 · 04/02/2015 12:49

No way! Stay put. Also your DD may not want to move in with a house full of men! Have baby and reassess the situation later.

RainingSocks · 04/02/2015 12:56

I wouldn't move. People have different standards of cleanliness and tidiness, and that's fine, there is a wide range of acceptable. But you prefer a higher standard than they do, and they won't change. So if you live there you will have the choice of living in their squalor or cleaning up after them (possibly indefinitely as it doesn't sound as though the sons currently have plans to move out). Life will be far less stressful if you are in control of your own environment, so stay in your own house and make plans when you have a clearer idea of your future needs.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 13:18

If you read the op gloopy the partner does not want to take responsibility for this baby, so op will be doing the lion share of the work, they have split up several times. The two sons op does not seem keen on, even though op says their nice enough, their hygiene is very poor. It does not seem like the partner will compromise. Gloopy is the only one who disagrees, no op, you stay put. Nearly all agree you would be mad to move in with him.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 13:21

He has told op she will be doing the majority of the childcare, as he is too old and has to work. Op will end up cleaning up after them as she does not want to live in a dirty messy house, the sons will not be just confined to their room. Your relationship does not sound stable as it is, think of your children first.

MMcanny · 04/02/2015 13:26

Haven't read all but how about his sons move into your house and you move in with DP, that way you all get your space.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 13:31

MMcanny I don't think op would like that as one of them lives very badly, has very poor hygiene.

PrimalLass · 04/02/2015 13:42

his existing children

his existing adult children

Jackieharris · 04/02/2015 13:45

As others have said don't move!

Tbh it doesn't even sound as if your relationship is worth saving- maybe post in relationships for advice?

ArcheryAnnie · 04/02/2015 13:48

I'm with everyone else here - you are being perfectly reasonable in not wanting to move in with this lot. For one thing, if it was me, I wouldn't want to move a 9 year old daughter in with two grown men I barely know. They may be lovely people, if smelly, but that's still two large, male near-strangers in her home.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2015 13:48

'maybe if OP & her DP had a proper sit down with everyone, the supposedly smelly son might realise that he is viewed that way, and freshen up a bit!'

The man is 30 years old and has to be told to shower, brush his teeth and wash his clothes. His father is still doing his laundry and keeping him for free.

A proper sit down will achieve FA.

The partner has told the OP she will do the majority of the childcare, because 'he works' and 'he's old'.

Thumbwitch · 04/02/2015 14:09

I'm glad you've decided not to do it, I think that's definitely your best choice, especially after what you said about not trusting him if he doesn't feel the relationship is "moving forward", whatever the fuck that means to him!

I mean, he's having a baby with you - that's pretty forward moving, isn't it? But if you don't trust him not to cheat, then you don't trust him. And under those circs, you NO WAY want to put your life in his charge, as it were. So stay put, make him pay his contribution towards his child (since it sounds like he'll be doing very little else for the baby!) and good luck with it all. x

Lepaskilf · 04/02/2015 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/02/2015 14:36

Definitely don't move in with your DP. You'll end up skivvying for three adult men, two of whom seem indifferent to you at best. YANBU

GloopyGhoul · 04/02/2015 16:15

Oh for goodness sake Aero I'm not saying that the OP should move in if she doesn't want to. Just saying "to each his own" really.

And getting frustrated at the level of judgement thrown around based on very little information.

MaryWestmacott · 04/02/2015 16:19

Lepaskilf - from the step-son's point of view, why would they do that? Why move from a larger house you get to live in for free, all bills paid for by someone else, and I assume most food bought for you for free and your laudry done for you etc, to a smaller house, which not only do you have to pay rent on, but have to pay all the bills and buy your own food, and do all your own domestic chores? If they wanted independence, they'd go rent a flat.

OP - glad you've decided not to move. Your DP has made his position clear, look at maintenance and CMS if need be.