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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move in with adult stepsons?

93 replies

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 05:05

I live with my 9 year old DD from my previous marriage. My partner is 10 years older than me and has two children aged 26 and 30. I live in small but lovely 2 bed home with DD where we are very happy. Partner has large but scruffy house. We have been together a few years but I have never really wanted to live with him.

However, we are now expecting a baby (my miracle baby as thought I couldn't have anymore). I could stay here, and obv baby will be in room with me to start with anyway. I am self employed hairdresser but my income is relatively low so i would struggle to increase my mortgage to buy a 3 bed (we live in Kent) and would probably have to get an employed job, which is not a problem really as there are usually hairdressing jobs going locally.

Or, DP suggests that we move in with him. One of his sons (who is 30) lives there part time (stays at gf few nights a week) and sorry but he is a messy pig. DP showed me his room the other day and it is a stinking hovel. I was shocked. You can smell it as you walk past the room. He also at his age has to be told that he really should take a shower, brush his teeth, that his hair/clothes need a wash (by DP,not by me!!). His spare time is spent glued to xbox.

DP has now announced that another of his sons, aged 26 will also be moving in. He is a nice chap and not unhygienic like the other but is finishing full time study in a few months therefore when we move in will not be working.

I do not see these lads as my stepsons - there is same age gap between me and eldest, and me and DP! They are the same age as my friends. I have barely had any contact with them since we have been together - just had them over for Christmas, seen at birthdays etc. I do like them as people, but our lives have been quite seperate. DP and I have split several times over the last couple of years and DP has told them his story (ie. missing out what he has done to me) and I really don't think they like me.

At first I agreed to all this but now I am thinking I am going to be at home with newborn baby and two adult men whom I don't really know (the one who works, works some nights so is often home daytime). I just don't want to do it and am being made to feel that I am unreasonable because of this.

I just feel that for a start us living together for the first time, and even more so bringing home a newborn, should be quiet and peaceful and somewhere I feel at home and relaxed to have best possible chance of things working out. I have spoken at length to DD about the possibility of moving and she said she would be happy to move (bigger bedroom, bigger garden etc!) but she would be equally happy here and I do worry about if we move in and things go wrong and we have to move out again, the upheaval/changes/effect it would have on her

To me, I make sense, but I wonder if those pregnancy hormones are making me unreasonable/selfish and I just can't see it

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 08:03

Yes you will be their skivvy looks after the baby, and cooking and cleaning for them, no no no!

Original poster

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 08:21

Got a bit more sleep after my middle of the night meltdown and have made up my mind, I ain't doing it.

I can't extend here and wouldn't want my new baby to go to the catchment primary (a way off yet I know) so will move as soon as finances allow it to the catchment in want and a nice little 3 bed. Goes off to seek new job.... thought they hardly going to offer job to one with a clear bun in the oven, so guess its a years wait on that one.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 08:25

Good on you, it sounds awful situation and I could not put myself or my children through that.

ScathingContempt · 04/02/2015 08:41

Is he planning to give you any practical or financial support? It doesn't sound like it from what you have said. Regardless of where you live he should be contributing towards his child.

His sons sound awful, living like that at that age. What kind of 30 year old lives with his dad and spends all day on xbox? Having a newborn myself right now, I know you need to feel comfortable in these first few weeks, when you'll be sitting around half dressed, feeding constantly. If you BF you'll want the freedom to sit with your boob flopped out of your dressing gown in the living room without two virtual strangers lurking around.

Nolim · 04/02/2015 08:43

I wouldnt move either

expatinscotland · 04/02/2015 08:52

Stay put! Your boyfriend's sons, they got their laziness from him. 'Scruffy' house, two unemployed adults, a man 'too old and wak' to look after a child he created? He has a legal obligation to pay for his child. Make sure he fulfills it, because he sounds a lazy one.

Very unhealthy, too, for your daughter to be around all these disgusting, lazy men, watching her mother skivvy.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2015 08:58

Oh, and his paying for his child is not 'helping', it is his legal obligation. I would put it to him as, 'Shall we agree your child support ourselves or perhaps find a mediator?' Because he cannot just not pay and he has money to house two unemployed adults.

Original poster

welcometoyourweatherreport · 04/02/2015 09:01

The descriptions that have transpired of his son's have made me - i probably wasn't clear enough though - one has full time job but works some nights so can be around house daytimes. The other is in final few months of university (living away) so will be returning

I am sure they only stay with dad rather than mum as their mum would make them pay keep!

OP posts:

SweetValentine · 04/02/2015 09:07

i didn't think the idea of moving would be so bad -;move in, open the windows and let a little light and love into the house. It woukd probably encourage the boys to shape up or ship out. Wouldn't normally suggest it but with the new baby you have all the excuse in the world to spring clean and change things round to your heart's content.

But your later updates make it clear you shouldn't move in with your DP, not his sons

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 09:10

Good on her, they should be financially contributing. No like father like sons, you stay put. For the record, my dad who had 4 adult children when I was born, was 52. He was excellent, he was very hands on and kind and generous too. He is trying to use a feeble excuse not to look after his child. Do you want to be with a man like that!

Patilla · 04/02/2015 09:18

OP you haven't mentioned a raise in your income due to maintenance.

You will be asking for maintenance from your DP won't you?

peppapigonaloop · 04/02/2015 09:22

I see youve decided but just to echo Don't move in!! Sounds awful and you sound far to good for him and the whole thing..steer well clear!

Loandbehold · 04/02/2015 09:38

Agree with everyone, don't do it. Stay in your own home.

UsedtobeFeckless · 04/02/2015 09:41

Good call OP Don't go! It sounds grim - you'll end up doing everything and how will your daughter feel having to live with two strange blokes?

Your new plan - year's maternity/ new job/ new house for the three of you sounds much better, this chap sounds like he's not a basket you want to put all your eggs into, if you see what I mean!

blankgaze · 04/02/2015 09:49

Do not move in with him. I've looked into my crystal ball and this is the future I see.

What a toxic environment for your dd aged 9, there with 3 adult men, two of whom don't like you.

What a toxic environment for the baby, at least two if not all 3 adult males moaning about interrupted sleep and how the baby negatively impacts on their lives.

What a toxic environment for you, either having to live with MrStinkymess and tolerating it or being the only one in the house who gives enough of a toss and has to clean up after all 3 of them plus be full time Mum to your dd and the newborn.

Don't do it, please just don't do it. And do not sell your house, you need your financial independence.

CruCru · 04/02/2015 09:57

It sounds as though staying put will be much less unsettling for your DD.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 04/02/2015 10:00

Jesus NO NO NO NO NO.

You will go from having a happy, settled, clean, relaxing HOME to being the only person worried about cleanliness/quiet/routine in what will soon feel like the student flatshare from hell.

Your so-called DP has already basically given you the heads up that he's not going to be an involved parent 'because he works' - ummmm like most dads, then, but it's going to be too much hassle for him to change nappies etc.? I think you can see where his sons have got their attitude from. My prediction? If you move in, the resentment and utter destruction of any respect and love you might now have for your partner will see you split within a year. If you give up your home and independence, you will regret it bitterly. This baby is going to change things. For you, it sounds brilliant. For you as a couple, not so much. Keep your distance and enjoy your baby with your DD in YOUR space. Sounds like alone you're more than capable of being a great single parent to your new baby, with him you're going to have a miserable time.

And your DD. She currently has a calm, clean home with routine and security. Would you want her to move in with three unrelated adult males, one of whom is in the role of kind of 'stepdad' who she sees not helping a bit with the baby, and two of whom although adult are dirty layabouts? I don't think that's going to be in ANY way positive for her - quite the opposite. I think it's a fast track to making he extremely insecure and unhappy, especially on top of adjusting to the new baby. Especially if she sees mum go from happy, coping and organised to a stressed miserable skivvy cleaning up after a bunch of dirty blokes while having to look after a new baby in a hovel.

I'm so glad you seem to have changed your mind, I believe it would be the UTTERLY wrong thing to do.

GloopyGhoul · 04/02/2015 10:10

Hmm. I actually don't see the problem with the adult sons, tbh. If they and their dad are happy with the arrangement then all this judginess about their "scruffy" house is just silly (not just OP).

My house is scruffy. Big deal. And I only act like a 'skivvy' when I want to.

Calling it a toxic environment is verging on the hysterical.

Also, I fear OP has a case of the rose tinteds when it comes to the quiet, calm, peaceful life she envisions with her newborn.

That said, if you and DP don't want to live together, then that's perfectly valid. You can draw up financial agreements with a solicitor if you choose, to help formalise that side of things.

What do you plan to do if the baby/child wants to stay at their dad's scruffy house, though?

Tyzer85 · 04/02/2015 10:11

Don't do it.

But may I ask why you're with him? From what you have said the relationship has never seemed to have potential.

PrimalLass · 04/02/2015 10:13

He should be telling his sons to move out.

He'll have to pay you CM regardless of whether he wants to or not.

GloopyGhoul · 04/02/2015 10:15

Why on earth should he tell his sons to move out?

Samcro · 04/02/2015 10:22

don't move in.
you dont like his sons, so it will be an awful atmosphere.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 04/02/2015 10:29

I'm glad you have decided not to do it.

Tbh though, the sons aside, I don't think you should do it.

Sadly he sounds like a complete arse that you'd be better off without.

Keep your own homes.

Get clients to come to your house, build up your business. Make sure you are charging properly etc.

Take whatever top up benefits you can get, as well as the CSA.

Take a good look at this relationship, because I'd be dumping his sorry arse.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 04/02/2015 10:30

Do NOT sell your house to buy with him. No matter what. You are on the property ladder, you have a secure home for your two children. It would be extremely foolish to give that up for him. Extremely foolish.

MissDuke · 04/02/2015 10:33

No way would I move in with this man, not a chance. Would not be fair on your dd, or you.

You sound like you and your dd have a lovely life and a lovely home. If I were you, I would keep being self employed of the work is there, as flexibility is great with kids. Honestly, the kids really can share, for a while anyway. My 10 year old girl (who has autism) shares with her 2 year old sister and it works really well. We kept the little one in with us until she was a year, so she was sleeping well and we have had no problems.

I would urge you to wait rather than out yourself under financial stress.

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