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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

I've had enough of her lies.

103 replies

JammyGem · 03/02/2015 23:09

Sorry, going to be a long one.

DSis is constantly lying. If someone else in the family is getting a little bit of attention, she'll make something up so she gets some. She's my half sister (same dad) and I've always wondered why DM and DDad don't get on with her and ignore her when she has a crisis, but in the last year I've realised that they had enough of her bullshit and lies years ago, and now so have I.

She said she'd been raped by the guy she was having an affair with just after her husband found out and everyone in the family was supporting him, a week after our cousin was diagnosed with a serious mental health illness she claimed to have been diagnosed with PTSD, a few days after I graduated from my MA she claimed to have got a place on her own MA course despite not even having A levels... There are so many examples of when someone else is getting support and attention and she has to "up the ante" and announce something so all the attention is on her. And some of these things may well be true, but it's really the case of the boy who cried wolf and I just can't believe anything she says. I should say now that even the police called bullshit on the rape story, and threatened to charge her with wasting police time - this incident upset me the most as I was raped 5 years ago and had just at that time plucked up the courage to finally go to the police about it - to know that my sister lied about something that horrific and made it harder for me and other real victims to be believed made me more upset than I can ever say.

I've never called her out on any of this, always been sympathetic and gone along with it - even the rape thing, which I only found out she'd lied after her husband of all people let slip that they wanted to charge her with wasting their time.

But today takes the biscuit. Her mum has a terminal illness and has only months to live. I spoke to our dad earlier who asked if I'd heard from DSis. I said I had a few missed calls and was planning to ring her when I got off the phone with him. Apparently she rang him earlier today to say that she'd been to A&E and they'd done some tests and two hours later had got the results that it was cancer. He doesn't know any more because in his own words "I couldn't care enough to listen to her lies".

I have six missed calls. I've had enough. I realise I probably come across as very cold but I just can't deal with any more lies or attention seeking. AIBU to just ignore all calls and contact from now on? And AIBU to not believe her or should I get in contact just in case she's telling the truth this time and actually has cancer?

OP posts:

UncleT · 05/02/2015 08:28

AskBasil you make a fair point in empirical terms, but let's not kid ourselves that being falsely accused of nicking or damaging a car is comparable to being stigmatised as a rapist. It obviously isn't - if I was forced to choose one of the above I'd certainly rather be called a car thief.

AskBasil · 05/02/2015 09:09

Except that if you're accused of being a rapist, loads of people will believe you're innocent anyway, even in the phenomenally rare event that you get convicted.When a rapist is actually convicted, there are still swathes of people out there refusing to believe that women are as likely to be telling the truth as men (and in the case of rape, more likely actually). Given that you're more likely to be raped, worrying about being falsely accused, let alone falsely convicted, seems wildly disproportionate to the risk. You might as well worry about the sky falling on your head.

Number3cometome · 05/02/2015 09:13

The reason I didn't report it is because so many people lie and make it difficult for us real victims to come forward.

Sorry but that's a fact.

AskBasil · 05/02/2015 09:22

No, it's not a fact.
It's a rape myth.

85-90% of women do not report.

Of all allegations, 2-4% are false. That is a TINY amount in terms of how many women are raped. It is lower than for most other crimes.

When you say it is a fact that lots of women lie about rape, you are repeating rape myths and you make the world safer for rapists and less safe for women like you and me.

I am very sorry you were raped. So was I. I didn't report either. Because I knew I wouldn't be believed. Because of rape myths. Please stop repeating them, it's against Mumsnet policy.

Number3cometome · 05/02/2015 09:29

In the 12 months to March 2013, there were about 10,000 recorded rapes.

2-4% of 10,000 = 200 / 400

That's a lot of fucking liars no matter what way you dress it up.

My original point above was my post to Scorcha who stated I find it very difficult to believe that women make false rape allegations

Don't try and twist this in to something else and quote Mumsnet rules at me.

Perfectlypurple · 05/02/2015 09:45

People do lie about rape - not many but it does happen. For the police to even consider charging for wasting police time they will have to know its a false and malicious report, not just because there isn't enough evidence. So she may have admitted she made it up or there was irrefutable evidence that it did not happen. If the. CPS do not charge it does not mean the victim is not believed, it just means there isn't enough evidence to prove it happened, and they should make that clear to the victim.

With regard to your sister op well done on going no contact. Life will be much simpler.

UncleT · 05/02/2015 09:50

Yup, tiny proportion - the impact on an individual can be devastating though, and that has nothing to do with the severity of rape and the abysmal record of prosecuting it. In any case, challenging an obvious nonsense (the claim that nobody possibly could or would falsely allege) is not the same as worrying about it disproportionately or in any sense diminishing the main issues around rape and its prosecution. Of course, one serious aspect is that even a small proportion of false accusations will (however wrongly) make life more difficult for genuine victims in the long run.

AskBasil · 05/02/2015 10:14

I have not twisted anything and would question your interpretation of the term "a lot".

Do you think a lot of people suffer from Crohn's disease? Clue: it's a lot more than 200-400. Most people think it's quite rare, or putting it less emphatically, relatively uncommon. Would you describe it as really common? Because it must be, if you think 200-400 people out of 85,000 rape victims is a lot.

Fair enough that you were responding to a post which questioned whether women ever lie, but it is not fair enough to say that women lie about rape a lot. It is a rape myth and it is against mumsnet rules whether you want that mentioned or not.

And it is also a rape myth that women lying about rape makes things difficult for other rape victims. It is everyone not believing women who say they are raped, over 95% of whom are not lying, which makes things difficult for rape victims. Whenever we go on and on about the tiny minority of women who lie about it, we are making it difficult for rape victims and it's not good enough to blame a few lunatics for our attitudes to women and rape.

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2015 10:16

Why not start another thread if people want to discuss false rape claims? This isn't really helping the OP is it.

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 05/02/2015 11:28

Morning,

We've had a few reports about this thread and just wanted to drop in a link to our We Believe You campaign, and in particular, the rape myths we should all be challenging.

Sorry for the interruption, OP. Hope we can get the discussion back on track now.

Number3cometome · 05/02/2015 11:34

Apologies - no offence intended at all.

pinkyredrose indeed, it's totally off topic, hands up my fault.

OP - what's the update? Did you speak to your sister?

Original poster

JammyGem · 05/02/2015 13:31

It was not my intention ti start a debate on rape myths. Personally, she lied the same time that I was in contact with the police about being raped myself - they were very unhelpful and dismissive and I couldn't help but wonder if that was because of women like my sister.

I haven't spoken to her. I figured it was best not to make a big deal out of it or announce to her that I was going no contact, but to just ignore her from now on. She called me again a few times last night (the call blocker still tells me if someone's called) but it's been all quiet today. She will definitely have noticed that I've blocked her on fb as it was just after she 'liked' something I'd put up. As far as I know she hasn't asked my parents or brother about it yet, although I imagine she is far too busy spreading her cancer bullshit at the moment...

OP posts:

Original poster

JammyGem · 05/02/2015 17:14

I spoke too soon it seems. She's apparently been calling and texting constantly for the last few hours and has even got in touch with my brother to see if I'm alright - he's ignored her so far too.

I didn't want to create a drama but am wondering if it's kinder to send her a quick message along the lines of "Dad's told me you're saying you have cancer. I'm sorry, I'm fed up of your constant lying and attention seeking behaviour, and this is one lie too far. You clearly have some serious issues. Please don't contact me again until they are sorted."
What do you think?

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 05/02/2015 17:21

Yes

free2Bme · 05/02/2015 17:24

I would briefly tell her OP. and say she should look for psychological help.
To begin with she will probably turn on you though.

I knew a person very similar to this and eventually they were diagnosed with a serious mental health issue which did improve with treatment.
It is a horrible thing for all of you to live with.

laughingmyarseoff · 05/02/2015 17:25

Be prepared for plenty of guilt and manipulating your family OP, you just have to stay strong. I suspect that if you hold firm not accepting her bullcrap then others will slowly follow suit. Good luck.

laughingmyarseoff · 05/02/2015 17:27

OP I wouldn't acknowledge the lies at all, she will just try to use it against you and to make you look bad to others. I'd just send her this part: I'm sorry, I'm fed up of your constant lying and attention seeking behaviour, and the latest is one lie too far. You clearly have some serious issues. Please don't contact me again until they are sorted.

Original poster

JammyGem · 05/02/2015 18:40

That's a good point laughing
Although I suspect I'm going to be made to look bad to others anyway...
I'll give it a bit longer but if she carries on trying to get in touch then I'll send it.

OP posts:

Original poster

JammyGem · 05/02/2015 19:52

Have sent her this:
I've already spoken to dad. I'm sorry, I'm fed up of your constant lying and attention seeking behaviour, and the latest is one lie too far. I've always let it go and not called you out on them but I don't have the patience anymore. I will not be manipulated and lied to.

I realise the shit is going to hit the fan now but hopefully that'll make her realise how serious and fed up I am. I've explained, now I don't have to contact her again. It feels good.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2015 20:01

Well done OP.

UncleT · 05/02/2015 20:05

Well, the thread is about lying, specifically in one example about being raped. It's pretty relevant, though admittedly that strand of discussion may have largely run its course.

CarbeDiem · 05/02/2015 20:18

Well done OP.

ColdJerseySpud · 05/02/2015 20:34

Just read this through. Well Done OP for staying strong

Strokethefurrywall · 05/02/2015 20:41

Well done OP - calling someone on their bullshit is the only way forward.

Her behaviour has been dispicable.

Strokethefurrywall · 05/02/2015 20:42

*despicable (pedant)

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