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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've had enough of her lies.

103 replies

JammyGem · 03/02/2015 23:09

Sorry, going to be a long one.

DSis is constantly lying. If someone else in the family is getting a little bit of attention, she'll make something up so she gets some. She's my half sister (same dad) and I've always wondered why DM and DDad don't get on with her and ignore her when she has a crisis, but in the last year I've realised that they had enough of her bullshit and lies years ago, and now so have I.

She said she'd been raped by the guy she was having an affair with just after her husband found out and everyone in the family was supporting him, a week after our cousin was diagnosed with a serious mental health illness she claimed to have been diagnosed with PTSD, a few days after I graduated from my MA she claimed to have got a place on her own MA course despite not even having A levels... There are so many examples of when someone else is getting support and attention and she has to "up the ante" and announce something so all the attention is on her. And some of these things may well be true, but it's really the case of the boy who cried wolf and I just can't believe anything she says. I should say now that even the police called bullshit on the rape story, and threatened to charge her with wasting police time - this incident upset me the most as I was raped 5 years ago and had just at that time plucked up the courage to finally go to the police about it - to know that my sister lied about something that horrific and made it harder for me and other real victims to be believed made me more upset than I can ever say.

I've never called her out on any of this, always been sympathetic and gone along with it - even the rape thing, which I only found out she'd lied after her husband of all people let slip that they wanted to charge her with wasting their time.

But today takes the biscuit. Her mum has a terminal illness and has only months to live. I spoke to our dad earlier who asked if I'd heard from DSis. I said I had a few missed calls and was planning to ring her when I got off the phone with him. Apparently she rang him earlier today to say that she'd been to A&E and they'd done some tests and two hours later had got the results that it was cancer. He doesn't know any more because in his own words "I couldn't care enough to listen to her lies".

I have six missed calls. I've had enough. I realise I probably come across as very cold but I just can't deal with any more lies or attention seeking. AIBU to just ignore all calls and contact from now on? And AIBU to not believe her or should I get in contact just in case she's telling the truth this time and actually has cancer?

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 04/02/2015 14:29

I have a relative like this. There is always one drama or another and it is always, always her that is the victim - no matter her shitty behaviour.

After the latest drama, in which she is the victim and me the awful, nasty person (who informed SS that she was in contact with an abusive ex-boyfriend) I've gone no contact. With her and with her mother. It's all you can do to protect yourself from the stress and negativity.

Flowers I know how hard it is to deal with people like that.

MadisonMontgomery · 04/02/2015 14:55

Have your family ever tried having a sit down with her & calling her out on it all? I have a friend who is like this - constant lies, car crashes, assaults, burglaries, a stalker, illnesses - you name it, it's happened to her! I knew what she was like for years, but she is such a lovely person except for that that I just put up with it.

Last year her mum rang me - she had made up a serious allegation about someone and the police had got involved. Her family were at their wits end, and someone had suggested confronting her about her lying. Me and another friend went to her parents house and her boyfriend brought her over. It was horrendous, she cried, denied lying, called us unsupportive, tried to leave etc, but eventually it came out that she'd told us all different stories over the years and she just kind of gave in. She had had something very traumatic happen some years previously (which was true) and she had received a lot of attention afterwards and I think she had kind of got addicted to it. She does still fib a bit now, but everyone calls her on it straight away and she accepts it and apologises.

Number3cometome · 04/02/2015 15:16

I would speak to her, the second she says she has cancer say "Oh my GOSH! I'm coming right now!"
Immediately put the phone down without her having a chance to answer, ignore all subsequent calls and go to her house.

Make out like you are absolutely terrified, you want all the details, consultant names, who she saw etc.

Then proceed to tell her you know someone who works at the hospital and you will see what you can do to get her in with the best consultant going.

See how she reacts.

imyourhuckleberry · 04/02/2015 15:17

My SIL is very similar, most things are related to her health but she has told some big lies in the past about amazing potential careers (to study medicine... when she has no alevels and few gcses) or opportunities (moving to spain!) The main thing is she has an (undiagnosable) gynae issue. She has seen every specialist going, but they cant seem to find anything wrong with her. She swears she is constant agony and cannot work, yet miracuoulsy recovers when she is on holiday or has a night out. Several of her family members have health anxiety and therefore we can spend hours hashing over xrays, scans etc... it is exhausting and I would love to go NC but don't want to upset the rest of the family.

You have my sympathy OP it is frustrating and exhausting.

CarbeDiem · 04/02/2015 15:17

I'd have no time for her to be honest, the false rape allegation would have been it for me.

If she mentions anything about the cancer thing - I'd probably say
'it's sick to lie about things like that, you know that don't you?'
See what her reaction is and possibly tell her that she needs professional help and that you're not the only person in the family who thinks so.

If she's still the same and doesn't get help then go NC - life is too short to be dealing with shit like that

imyourhuckleberry · 04/02/2015 15:19

Number3, yes yes yes good idea. Call her out on it and see how she reacts.

SorchaN · 04/02/2015 15:31

I find it very difficult to believe that women make false rape allegations, and the fact that the police didn't believe her is not necessarily an indication that her allegation was untrue, especially if the alleged rapist was someone she was having a relationship with. It's not unusual for the police to decide not to proceed with an investigation in these circumstances. I do know that sometimes women lie about being raped, but more often women's allegations are simply not investigated because it would be too difficult to prosecute.

However, in the context of her other lies, I can understand why it's difficult to believe anything she says. I can't stand lying and I wouldn't be able to put up with lying from anyone. If it were me, I'd probably go no contact.

UncleT · 04/02/2015 15:51

Scorcha you obviously base that on the very real fact that rape convictions are absurdly low and difficult, but seriously? With all the awful, nasty things that go on in the world you simply can't believe that anyone would make a false accusation?? I'd love to believe that people wouldn't burn each other alive, but here we are.....

Number3cometome · 04/02/2015 15:53

I find it very difficult to believe that women make false rape allegations

Well they do, and lots of them.

Do you have facts to back up your second statement?

but more often women's allegations are simply not investigated because it would be too difficult to prosecute

You cannot possibly know how many people do or don't lie.

UncleT · 04/02/2015 15:58

Also, the Police not progressing a charge is a very different proposition from actively looking at laying charges for wasting Police time.

Original poster
JammyGem · 04/02/2015 16:31

Sorry, should have said that she's seperated from her DH, whether they'll get back together or not depends on who you talk to and whether she's accusing him of emotional abuse that day...

See, this is the problem. She could well have been raped, or abused, or have cancer, but I just don't trust her to believe her. One day there's going to be something true and I'm going to horribly upset her by not supporting her because I don't believe her.

Her mum believes everything she says, our dad can't be bothered and when he calls her out it just results in tears and him getting told off by his XW (her mum) so he just doesn't even listen to her anymore and actively avoids her.

I'm going to call my DM this evening and discuss going NC- she saw through her years and years ago (part of the reason they never got on) so I may get a biased opinion from her though.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 04/02/2015 17:28

ScorchaN - my relative has accused at least 4 different men of sexual assault or rape.

One in particular, I was out with her and saw/heard her shag him. The next day she was too drunk/couldn't remember saying yes/forced her to go with him and the cherry on the cake - I forced her to drink alcohol to the point she was unable to consent!! Bloody bollocks and I told the police that when they turned up at my fucking work. That poor bloke (my, at the time, boyfriend's brother!) could have been brandished a rapist for life. Angry

Nasty, shit human beings DO exist.

Original poster
JammyGem · 04/02/2015 18:15

Right, have spoken to DMum, she refused to advise either way as she doesn't want to be seen to influence me and become another of Son's lies. DDad came home from work as I was on the phone, have spoken to him and he completely agrees with me, says it won't affect him and that he's not far off going NC with her himself. Have found out many things she's lied about in the past, including our DDad abusing her as a child, my DMum having a secret child, our cousin abusing her, my parents having an affair before her parents split up... So many lies Angry

Have deleted and blocked her on Facebook, installed a call/text blocker on my phone, and luckily we live far enough away that I don't see her out and about. We don't really have family gatherings either on my DDad's side of the family so I really do never have to see or hear from her again. I'm still so angry but feel like this is the best thing.

Thanks to you all for reassuring me that I'm doing the right thing and that I don't need her in my life. I was getting to that realisation myself but wouldn't have gone through with it if it wasn't for your input.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 04/02/2015 18:16

Oops, should be mum didn't want to become another of sister's lies!

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 04/02/2015 18:43

Well done. I hope this brings some peace into your life.

WheresWallyNow · 04/02/2015 18:51

Jammy well done you! Going NC is one of my dreams but ongoing care of an elderly relative means that for now it just isn't possible.

Enjoy your peace and quiet Flowers

AskBasil · 04/02/2015 19:00

Actually number3 we do know what the level of lying is vis a vis rape.

It's about 2-4% of all reports to the police.

This woman sounds like she has mental health problems tbh.

I'd advise her to go to a counsellor which might lead to some treatment and tell her that until she gets help for her mental health problem, whatever it is, I just didn't feel able to see her anymore.

A bit harsh, but it might be the wake up call she needs to get some help.

Number3cometome · 04/02/2015 20:02

Askbasil of the one who's have admitted it - what about the ones who haven't and have seen a man sent down for their lies?

AskBasil · 04/02/2015 20:10

Number3 what about them?

They are incredibly rare. A man has more chance of being raped by another man, than he has of being falsely accused of rape by a woman.

What about all those people who lie about car crime? A far higher percentage of false allegations are made about car crime than about rape. Why do you think people aren't obsessed with false allegations of car crime, which puts up all our premiums?

85-80% of rapes are not even reported. Of those which are, only 6-7% end in a guilty verdict. That means the vast, vast majority of rapists walk free, because remember 2-4% of allegations are false. That's not based on those who admit they lied, it's based on research.

Sorry to de-rail your thread OP, but Number3 has asked me a direct question which I feel duty bound to answer because of the rape myth that false rape allegations are common.

andsmile · 04/02/2015 20:18

People lie because the are insecure about who they are and the life they live.

I came across someone a couple of years ago who lied about a lot of stuff (I'm 90% certain, but never voiced them) I went NC with them. I never said anything to the others. One has definately seen through her, now I think the other one has. I cant be sure as I kind of lost that friendship as a result.

Anyway you have my sympathies - I felt foolish for not seeing it sooner and wuite angry as I felt I had been deceived quite a bit. She was very manipulative within the friendship group.

I'm quite astounded by how much she lied about over time. I could have forgiven ones about herself but she lied and manipulated others - that I couldn't. She too would have a lot of medical or family dramas.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/02/2015 20:41

I had a boyfriend who was like this. It was awful to live with. It's definitely some kind of mental illness, but realistically, walking away and cutting contact is often the only thing you can do, for the sake of your own sanity.
False allegations of rape are certainly rare, but so are false claims to have cancer: both are made by people with MH issues/personality disorders - and it's not entirely unheard of for someone to be convinced s/he has cancer despite being told by doctors that s/he doesn't, only for it later to be discovered that the person did have cancer all along... However, in the case of someone who has been caught out in lots of lies, there comes a point when it is not your problem even if some of them were partially true.
Once I had got rid of the lying boyfriend, there came a point where I felt more sorry for him than angry. DIdn't mean I wanted to get back in contact, but I thought he must have been so frightened, all the time, even when he was getting the attention he wanted: at what point was his house of cards going to come down?

andsmile · 04/02/2015 20:49

Yes I felt like that SGB re your last paragraph..about this ex friend. It was a school gate thing I still have to see her twice a day...I pity her now, she is mostly on her own.

CundtBake · 04/02/2015 20:50

OP you've done the right thing.

I used to have a 'friend' EXACTLY like this. If she had a half sister I'd think the OP was about her. It is just impossible to have any kind of relationship with someone like this.

She probably does have some serious issues. But it is not your job to deal with that, and until she is ready she will just carry on trying to lie her way out of everything. That's what I had to learn anyway.

Take care of yourself

laughingmyarseoff · 04/02/2015 21:24

Your sister sounds awful OP, you've done the right thing with NC.

Pilgit · 04/02/2015 21:31

My wicked step mother does this. In the time I've known her she's had terminal cancer -twice; miscarried twins; has 2 wombs; had a heart attack; been bullied out of 3 jobs; developed brittle asthma; been raped by her ex husband;.... there are countless other lies. She is MAD. Now we juSt nod smile and ignore....