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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that my ds (10) was given this as a present

142 replies

voluptuagoodshag · 03/02/2015 10:30

He received a three month subscription for Xbox live from a pal (2 years older).

When DH and I investigated how it all worked (we are not gaming experts at all) we were horrified to discover that this allows a gamer to play on line with anyone, anywhere in the world. Yes there are parental controls but having now done some research and asked others who have it, it would appear that language can be choice and they can be communicating with anyone online. We would also need to buy a dongle to allow it to operate.

Now what I'm most annoyed about is that the parents of this pal didn't ask us if this was ok or if we had the right equipement. If they had, it wouldn't have been an issue but they've gone ahead and got this for our DS who is now clearly desperate to play on it. Also the subscription is only for three months, so it would then mean we were left with the decision of whether to commit to renewing it or not.

I just think this is the most irresponsible thing to do.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2015 22:09

Same here Viva. paper round money and pocket money straight in and use the card wherever they like. They can only spend what's in the account, and I don't have to get involved.

ladygracie · 03/02/2015 22:16

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry. I had to buy a wireless receiver for my son to be able to have xbox live & download games. I hadn't realised that I would need to spend so much more money once the xbox had been bought. Maybe the parents didn't think it through & their ds suggested it as a good present.

Bumply · 03/02/2015 22:17

My sons have Xbox live and the 12 year old only plays against his school friends. Their XBOX 360 is old enough that it would need a wifi dongle if it didn't happen to be close enough to connect with a direct ethernet cable.

However, it would annoy me a bit if someone gave DS2 a subscription to something he doesn't currently have which would either end up with disappointment in 3 months time when it stopped, or the pressure to maintain on an annual basis at a cost I hadn't anticipated.

GingerCuddleMonster · 03/02/2015 22:23

Now I know why mother just flat out refused to purchase any gaming devices when I was growing up, I wasn't even allowed a bloody gameboy! Grin. I'll be applying the same rule too, not till 13 and by then they have no interest....well played mother, well played!!

I'd be annoyed, because this means possible ongoing exspence to you.

Karoleann · 03/02/2015 22:25

I wouldn't let my almost 9 year old have that either. No way.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 03/02/2015 22:29

YANBU .

I agree with you OP.

You have values - don't listen to those who tell you to get a grip.

Heyho111 · 03/02/2015 22:41

It is better to play live than off line because you are talking / interacting with your friends. My s chats away with his pals about the game they are playing and other stuff. It's really sociable. I much rather that than playing on his own. His friend probably bought it as he wants to play him online which is sweet. He probably didn't think about whether you had a dongle. It was prob done with good intentions.

Quiero · 03/02/2015 22:55

I was going to buy my nephew 3 months subscription to playstation plus but didn't for some of the reasons you've stated. Mostly as I didn't want his parents to feel they had to keep the subscription up. Maybe the friend's parents aren't tech savvy and have just gone along with his suggestion.

I wouldn't feel cross though, it was probably well intentioned.

Love the way people have all jumped on the wireless thing; making out the OP must be stupid. Maybe check your facts before starting to ridicule people eh. You do need a wireless adaptor for the older 360.

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 03/02/2015 22:57

We only recently got the Xbox second hand so I can see where confusion would arise regarding its technical capabilities. The pal would just hear the words 'we've just got an Xbox' He wouldn't necessarily assume that it was six years old. That's just one of those things.

However we still paid £100 for it. We have had a discussion with ds and explained that Xbox live won't work with it without a dongle. We explained that it would mean paying even more money to get it and then the subscription is only for three months so to continue would mean even more money. Given that we have so many interfaces around aready, does he really need another? For a ten year old (my ten year old) he took it really well. And even agreed. I also explained that it was a kind gift and to accept it graciously even if it isn't always appropriate.

Word will undoubtedly get back that we can't use it without further expense but will cross that bridge when we come to it. That is for the other parents to perhaps realise somethings are worth checking out.

It has been interesting to read all the many differing opinions on this. It's an eye opener for me but useful nonetheless.

OP posts:
Ghirly · 03/02/2015 23:24

Yanbu about thinking the parents should have checked with you first. A couple of years ago my son's step mother asked if she could buy x box live for my son so he could play with his step brother. As ds was only 7 at the time I said no.
He is now 9 and I relented at Christmas and bought him a trial of it as his two friends at school both played.

I limit his time on it and monitor it so that he only has those two boys on it as 'friends'. He has had strict rules to go with it and so far it has been fine.
It's definitely a personal choice though.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 03/02/2015 23:37

Hi Op

Here's the adapter you need (we had one on our old xbox), seems cheaper here than from ebay: webshop.cashconverters.co.uk/auction-item/848467/xbox-360-wifi-adapter-white.

If you're not going to use the subscription, maybe ebay it and give DS the money instead?

balletgirlmum · 03/02/2015 23:49

It wouldn't occur to me that someone might have to buy a dongle.

I think it's a great present. Ds is 10 & plays with his school friends online.

viva100 · 04/02/2015 08:12

Yabu. Sounds like quite a good present actually. And you can make it clear to DS that it's only for 3 months!

ashtrayheart · 04/02/2015 08:17

My ds has asd and plays online but with no headset- he is not interested in talking to people Smile
You can get a years subscription for around £20-30 if you look around.
I would let him have it with the controls set up.

sashh · 04/02/2015 08:24

Dear OP

He has a 3 month subscription, that is it, you do not have to renew it.

ANy language he encounters on the internet is not any worse than he can/will encoounter on the street.

It is a fact that you cannot say anything online (spoken or written) that you cannot say IRL.

Hope this clarifies things

sashh the bringer of grips

AliceinWinterWonderland · 04/02/2015 08:36

It seems the dividing line seems to be that most that thinks it's a good present are those that currently use it.

I do not think it's a good present unless the child's parent has been consulted first. Many parents do not want their children to have access to that, which is perfectly fine. But when it's given as a gift to a child, they automatically assume it's going to be used, they get excited, and it puts the parent in a frustrating position. The parent is either going to have to 1-cave in on what they want as rules, 2-have to deal with a very upset child when the parent sticks to the rules and says no you can't use it, or 3-have to deal with a very upset child after using it for the short period and then telling the child no, that's it, we're not renewing it.

Any present that may result in an ongoing expense further down the road, like a trial for something that needs a subscription paid when the trial is over, is not a good present unless the parents are on board with it. Surely that's just common sense... or perhaps simple consideration for the parents.

plinkyplonks · 04/02/2015 09:29

Horrified? Oh dear.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 04/02/2015 10:04

Ignore the grammatical and past/present tense issues with that last post of mine. Obviously typing PRIOR to having coffee is not recommended. Grin

gamerchick · 04/02/2015 10:09

It doesn't matter what anybody says the OP had made her mind up the second she clapped eyes on it.

Waste of 18 quid really.

There is no harm of sticking a cable in from the router while he's at school. Update his machine first and foremost and have a look through all the FREE downloads of age appropriate games for his yanno half an hour a day. Unplug from Internet before he gets home and the OP gets mammy points for the cool new games he can now play that hasn't cost a penny.

Anything else doesn't make sense, is a waste and disappoints a kid who may have well expressed a desire for gold but knew there was no point in asking his parents because they always say no to everything.

gamerchick · 04/02/2015 10:12

Actually scrap that re the downloaded games.. you need the Internet to play them.

BadLad · 04/02/2015 10:27

It seems the dividing line seems to be that most that thinks it's a good present are those that currently use it.

There's not thinking it's a good present and there's being horrified by it.

MisForMumNotMaid · 04/02/2015 10:42

So glad you started this thread. My slightly naive about to be 9 year old is badgering me to let him have xbox live gold for his 9th birthday.

He has an Xbox in his bedroom and I set up live for him (free) so he can talk to his friends and voice message them but not online game play. Within a week he'd got people on his list of friends we hadn't agreed on (like you tubers he admires) so we've had to have a talk about this chatting with strangers and what makes a friend etc.

I don't want to isolate DS from his peer group but neither do I feel he's responsible enough or emotionally mature enough to be playing with older children/ grown ups some of whom possibly have a slightly obscure slant on life that I wouldn't want influencing my child.

I still have lots of reading up to do - I will investigate parenting controls too.

Oh and YANBU it would annoy me as a gift because it puts you in a position of pressure from your DS to leap into the world of online gaming.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 04/02/2015 10:50

Just because a child expresses a desire to have it, that does not mean it's okay for another parent to buy it for him. The OP doesn't say she says no to everything. Some parents restrict their child's internet access to different levels than others. That, as a parent, is their option. Trying to circumvent that on behalf of the child by way of a birthday present is not helpful at all.

There are some parents on here that won't let their younger children play GTA, but other parents DO let their children play it. So... if they bought GTA for your child, would you let him play it? After all, it's a gift, to not use it would be a waste of money really, right?

Parents have a right to stick to their house rules if they feel it's appropriate for their child. I personally would be annoyed if another parent gave ds1 this kind of gift. He has SNs and is particularly vulnerable to outside influences, and scarily tech savvy. I would spend half my time trying to make sure he hadn't managed to get around the parental controls. If he knew about the gift and wasn't allowed to use it, there would be meltdowns on a daily (hourly) basis for ages as well, due to his SNs and him not having the impulse control or emotional maturity to deal with it.If you know the child is not allowed on it, then buying that present for them (because the parents always say no and won't buy it) is deliberately causing family trouble IMO and not very nice.

Original poster
voluptuagoodshag · 04/02/2015 11:03

I certainly don't say 'no' all the time. Given the number of kids that seem to like hanging around our house I figure I must be pretty cool but I do have rules. I also accept that 'horrified' may have been the wrong word to use but nonetheless I don't see the need for a just turned ten year old boy to play online with his pal who lives so close to us they wander back and forward to each other's houses in their slippers.

I must investigate creative writing courses as I obviously have a talent for dramatic linguistics Wink

OP posts:
kim147 · 04/02/2015 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.