To have another baby when my first is autistic?

[PalominoPony]

I have one DS, who is 2, who has autism. We have been told that the chances of our next child (should we decide to have one) having autism is roughly 15-20%. (This is a general estimate, not specific to us - it is given on the basis of the number of autistic children in the UK with autistic siblings and they are not able to be more specific as doctors still don't know what causes autism.)

Do you think it would be unreasonable to have another child? Where would you draw the line? For example, for some couples, the chance of them having children with cystic fibrosis is 50%-50%, and I know I wouldn't take that chance. What is a reasonable chance to take when a child may be born with a severely disabling condition? 50%, 25%, less?

I love my DS dearly and would love another but am fully aware of the struggles he will face in life and I am wondering if it's fair to bring a child into the world when there is a significant chance of them being autistic?

Please give me your honest views!

I knew a child with autism. He was 5 when his sister was born and then 8 when his other sister was born. Siblings were definitely not good for him. His behaviour worsened and he became violent towards other dc and adults (school and home). His meltdowns increased in frequency (rather than a few times a week at school it became a few times every day).

@PalominoPony it depends on whether you could cope with potentially 2 dc with autism. You will never know how severe their autism could be. Autistic people have different triggers and symptoms etc.

It is sad to see it written. I have 3 Autistic DC and it's definitely not easy, but I wouldn't change them and I wouldn't have changed having all 3 if I'd known they'd all be Autistic.

FWIW genetics wise STBXH and I both have Autistic siblings and I'm pretty sure I have AHDA(I) so I expect the genetic predisposition is pretty strong for us.

i know quite a few families with 2 or more ND children, mix of ASD and ADHD, they cope to varying degrees. it's very personal and depends on lots of things including support networks, how much support and/or therapy and/or scaffolding your DC need. I have a chronic illness and a STBXH who can't cope with it all so it certainly isn't easy and my DC need a lot more care than most children of the same age, still wouldn't change it. I think only the individuals themselves can decide what's right for them

Nearly 2 pages of new comments so I didn’t realise how old this thread was!

Great news op

That is such a lovely update as congrats OP on your little girl.
this subject is something I had had on my mind too and we now have a 2nd who is only tiny (7 weeks) still .
I did tons of research during my pregnancy and found there are a few studies on factors that may influence the likelihood of autism: it’s safer to do your own/ check they are peer reviewed/ large enough etc but these were a few of the ideas I came across :
Cannabis doubles the risk of autism (article in the Times)
Elevated testosterone can be an influencing factor (PCOS , I have this)
It’s 35- 60% genetic (large study with twins)
gestational diabetes and high blood pressure increase the risk (I had the former)

I found nutritional info on YouTube by ‘Nourish by Melanie’ on how to lessen the risk of autism which I think suggested vitamin D and omega 3 oils lessen the risk but haven’t checked studies on this . I just supplemented both in case and ate lots of fish !

also too little folic acid (or also too much as well as well as too much vitamin B12 ) might have an influence

i wouldn’t change DS1 for the world other than to have made his earlier school days easier if I could . But I still was so curious what might or might not influence ASD as wondered if more people are affected in our generation; one of DS’ siblings has it too but otherwise It’s not in the family . I do think each child is so special and every family will have a different experience but I found it helpful to know as much as I could

Ps I nearly didn’t post that as I don’t think any parent can change whether a child has ASD and they are every bit as precious as they are. but I thought it interesting as I hadn’t heard of any of these things , and maybe they aren’t fully researched .

I have two autistic children. We didn't find out until they were in Primary School so we didn't have to make that decision.

As far as I'm aware, Autism is genetic.

My two kids are very different. One will need more support than the other but the one thing they have is each other. They have a very strong bond and I wouldn't swap them for the world.

@PimmsTime Thats very interesting. Funnily enough I think I had high levels of testosterone during my pregnancy with DS - weirdly I became much hairier, on my arms and my stomach (yuk!), and emotionally I felt quite angry and irritable a lot of the time. I also think that I and my father and his father perhaps have/had some autistic traits, so I think that’s where the genetic link may be.

How autistic is your first child. Mildly autistic, moderate, severe. Depending on the level would give indication of how much time you need to dedicate to your first child and thus give you a good indication of how much time you can dedicate to your next child.

I have a cousin who is autistic but not severe. My aunt had two more children after my first cousin and they do worry about my first cousin a lot as he is now a grown adult living on his own and some of the choices he makes does make my aunt and uncle worry a lot. The other two cousins that came after my first cousin are both nt and my aunt and uncle have said many times, and I feel bad saying this, but they live through the other two as the first cousin was very very challenging and still is to this age. But from what I know, each person with asd is very different with the saying going if you met someone with asd, you have only met one person with asd. I have a 3 yo and he does display some traits but less now but he is very challenging at times and I do wonder whether to have a second one to see whether the whole parenting experience would be different and whether the second one would be more easy going. But for now, I'm focused on ds. But I also do wonder whether I will have so much love towards the second one as well because ds fills up my whole heart.

I have 4. The eldest is autistic, the next two quirky and not NT. Youngest seems NT.

They are each a joy and I am very grateful that when we die DC1 will have people who care for him. I don't expect them to "care" for him as in support him financially or living with him, but he needs people to help him advocate for himself.

Absolutely lovely 🥰 You are both so lucky to be siblings.

So glad to hear your update , I am the poster who re-Enlivened this very old thread ! Glad you went ahead and had your dd. My son is now 5 and we have learnt his ways and I would say he is mild in his autism but it was bloody hard handling home when he was 2 and indiagnosed and am so proud of him and us as a family over how much progress we have made. He is manageable and awesome . We also have a NT dd aged 7 so I am very blessed . Though I am 6 weeks pregnant no la which was unplanned and have to make a decision. Thanks all for your advice .

@Skidaramink !

@Drifting121 All the best with your decision. What I will say is that, given you already have an NT child, I imagine that the chance of a DC3 having autism is less than the odds we were given (which were based on us having only one child, our first, having autism).

My DS’s autism also turned out to be “mild”, although yes those early years when you just don’t know how severe it will be were tough.

Hi @PalominoPony , how are you and how's your DS ? I have the same issue now, what did you end up deciding ? Thanks in advance, and wishing you all the best.

The OP posted an update under a name change some years later:

"Skidaramink · 06/06/2022 23:29

@tt22 I actually just replied to the thread before reading your message, and then realised it was MY post from 7 years ago!! Name changed since then but I am the OP 😄!

Per my post above, I had a little girl who is NT and I am SO glad I did. She is an absolute joy.

All the best with your decision."

@IsItShining thank you dear 👍