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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby when my first is autistic?

143 replies

PalominoPony · 01/02/2015 14:00

I have one DS, who is 2, who has autism. We have been told that the chances of our next child (should we decide to have one) having autism is roughly 15-20%. (This is a general estimate, not specific to us - it is given on the basis of the number of autistic children in the UK with autistic siblings and they are not able to be more specific as doctors still don't know what causes autism.)

Do you think it would be unreasonable to have another child? Where would you draw the line? For example, for some couples, the chance of them having children with cystic fibrosis is 50%-50%, and I know I wouldn't take that chance. What is a reasonable chance to take when a child may be born with a severely disabling condition? 50%, 25%, less?

I love my DS dearly and would love another but am fully aware of the struggles he will face in life and I am wondering if it's fair to bring a child into the world when there is a significant chance of them being autistic?

Please give me your honest views!

OP posts:
RonaldMcFartNuggets · 01/02/2015 14:57

I think it could be good for your ds to have a sibling.

isleofjura · 01/02/2015 14:58

My DS is 15 and is autistic. We decided not to have any more children once he was diagnosed and that was the right decision for us. We've been able to focus our resources and time on him, pay for therapies, assessments and legal support to secure the right education for him, and spend time doing 1:1 therapy with him. He's had more intervention and support (private special school) than many children who have more severe autism, but whose parents have had to share resources with siblings (often also autistic). Sometimes they've not even been able to get a statement or DLA because juggling several children means that they haven't been able to cope with the masses of paperwork and legal knowledge required. The system helps those with the most resources and time; which is certainly not fair, but it's the way it is, and if you have more children then you will inevitably end up with fewer resources for each child.

LegoLady95 · 01/02/2015 15:03

tartan - what you say about your DB is lovely. I think siblings are a gift to ASD children and vice versa. DS2 has a huge understanding and compassion for anyone 'different'. I hope DD will too (she is just 2).

ProudAS · 01/02/2015 15:28

I'm high functioning autistic and would not have wanted to be an only child. I might have felt differently if DB was severely autistic though (he is NT).

BunnyFint · 01/02/2015 15:30

My ds1 has Asperger's, he is very high functioning and is doing very well in a good mainstream school. He wasn't diagnosed until last year, he is 6. We went on to have dd and ds2. Dd is NT and ds2 haas only just turned 1, so far we have no concerns with his development. Even if we were aware of Ds1s diagnosis before TTC our dd I don't think it would have stopped us.

My tartanscarf, my ds gas some awesome 'Aspie' traits too. Maths for one, his reading ability and he has a thing for dates. He can tell you the day for any date given, within seconds with no effort. His neurodisability pead likes him to demonstrate it to any students she has when we have an appointment! They're usually gobsmacked into silence, it's quite funny to see.

I'm glad we had 3dc, ds1 will always have his siblings when we're gone, his sister adores him and despite his 'issues' (mainly sensory, anxiety and socially) he is doing really well and has a few good friends.

BunnyFint · 01/02/2015 15:30

*has

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2015 15:35

In your position i would ask myself:

  • do I want another child?
  • could we manage if that child also had additional needs (this would be a bit of a guess)?
  • could we manage if that child is nt?

If the answer to all 3 was yes I would go ahead.

TheFecklessFairy · 01/02/2015 15:41

Having watched the anguish and upset my first and only has gone through, there is no way I would take the chance of letting another child go through the sane.

MollieCoddler · 01/02/2015 15:57

One question I would ask is do you feel you or your partner could be diagnosed with having asd or do you have clear traits? If this is the case I would be be inclined to believe the 'risk rates' would be higher - though as you point out the causes of asd are still very unclear.

Madmum24 · 01/02/2015 16:15

Your son is only 2 and already has a diagnosis? Where in the world are you OP?. We had our initial appointment a year ago and still no sign of an assessment date.

Anyway regarding your question, unless your son has very severe autism and will need 1:1 care for life then i wouldn't let it put me off TTC.

Branleuse · 01/02/2015 16:27

I have two boys with HF autism and a NT(ish) dd

I think if youre happy with one child then thats reason enough to not have more, but if you really do want another, then I dont think its something that should stop you necessarily.
Mine do have extra help at school and statements etc, and my ds1 is in a special school. I have had lots and lots of struggles and fights with education, but theyre brilliant children all of them, and the world is richer for them being here. Autism isnt a death sentence, in fact the other side of the coin to autism is genius.
At 2, you might well be still panicking. You may have only recently got the diagnosis and havent found your feet yet. See how you feel as time goes on x

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 01/02/2015 16:38

Dc was already born when Ds had his Dx for us we didn't want anymore.
DH has had the snip.

I know mentally I wouldn't be able to cope.

Ds had worn me down.

LegoLady95 · 01/02/2015 16:41

madmum- we had a diagnosis at age 2.5 years, after 12 months of assessment. We are in Bristol.

insanityscratching · 01/02/2015 16:45

madmum dd was diagnosed a week after her second birthday after initial referral at 17 months and ds was diagnosed five months after first paed appointment at just 3. We are in Derbyshire.

BrieAndChilli · 01/02/2015 16:55

I think it depends on the severity of the first Childs condition
I was thinking yesterday that having siblings is one of the best things we could have done for ds1 who has mild aspergers and is in mainstream school. Although we didn't know when we had them as he was still young
If we only had ds1 then he would have been ableo do whatever he wanted and we would probably have stuck to his rigid routine/demands but because he is one of 3 he has to do things and go places he doesn't want to, he sees the other two playing and so sometimes gets drawn into thier games, he's learning how to interact with people and I do feel it will be beneficial for when he grows up and joins the real world .
Of course I don't know for certain he would t be the same even if he didn't have siblings

Branleuse · 01/02/2015 17:00

ds2 was diagnosed at 2 aswell. ds1, wasnt diagnosed till 7 and thats pretty late imo. He missed out on lots of the early intervention stuff that ds2 benefitted from

x2boys · 01/02/2015 17:06

my second son has asd and learning difficulties ds1 is nt in my sons case his asd is thought to be the result of his chromosome disorder, although myself and my dh have been tested neither of us carry the disorder its just a spontaneous genetic change so if were to have another child the chances of it happening again would be slim .Ds is still not verbal and still in nappies he is' hard work' ie very hyperactive and destructive ,of course we love him to bits if he had been born first however I,m not sure we would have had another child but everybodys different and as its such a big spectrum autism affects children in different ways .

flipchart · 01/02/2015 17:17

This is very very tricky. Although I haven't got a child with autism I work in Children's disability Service and work as a family worker.
Most of my case loads are with children who have autism.
Out of 24 case loads I have 6 families where the eldest child had autism and so have the other subsequent children. One family have 3 children with autism. She is at breaking point. In tis family the 1st child had autism and the following two have autism plus complex needs.

Three families have, within the last 7 months have to have their child with autism sent to a residential school on a permanent basis because once they reached puberty they became increasingly violent and this, obviously had a huge impact on the other children.

However many of the other families are kind of ticking over and 'just' need respite care.

There is no straight forward answer to your question I am afraid.

Original poster
PalominoPony · 01/02/2015 17:27

MadMum - we got a diagnosis at 18 months. We're in London and went privately (Dr Daphne Keen).

DS is 2.2 now - it's really hard to know how he severe he'll be at this stage. The good news is that he is talking (single words only), which I am incredibly grateful for. And no real problem behaviour either.

We do have financial resources to be able to cope with another child with ASD but finances are by no means endless so although we could afford therapies, etc. we would have to spread what we have between the two.

To be honest, I am more worried about my emotional resources - I have found the last year very hard and have struggled to cope. Not struggled to cope with DS, but struggled with emotions.

But I do think DS would benefit from a sibling so much if it were NT (or at least not severe). And I don't feel our family is complete with just one.

What I would do for a crystal ball!

OP posts:
hidingunderthebed · 01/02/2015 17:39

I have three children all of whom have ASD, as there is 2.5 years between them nobody was diagnosed before everyone was born. I think they benefit so much from having each other for company and friendship. It has been so, so hard though for us as parents. Ours are all fairly high functioning, but the combined needs of the three is exhausting. With us there is a very clear ASD line in DH's family, though not diagnosed. I am sure if we went on to have more children they would have ASD also.

velourvoyageur · 01/02/2015 17:41

I think since you live in the UK which I'm sure has fairly good resources for children with autism and not in an underdeveloped country where they might not be as supported (or even a country which isn't great with SN, like France) you'd be in a good position to go ahead. Awareness of what autism is (and SN in general) is only growing.

I personally would, but then many many in our family have autistic traits (I mean noticeably so, not like everyone else) and for me HFA (is it still called that?) is more normal than normal IYSWIM.

Andanotherthing123 · 01/02/2015 17:49

I have ds1 who's nt but with a medical disability, ds 2 who has ASD and goes to a sn school and I thought long and hard about dc3 but in the end I really wanted another child and was willing to accept they might also have a disability. Ds3 has just turned one and seems nt. I'm very thankful for him and he has brought joy to all of us. The pregnancy was awful as ds2 didn't like my pregnant tummy and used to kick me while I sat on the sofa. I've had some very bleak moments but every day life with my 3 boys is fun and we (just about!) cope. I would like another but I worry that they would have asd and I feel I shouldn't take the risk when I already have 3 beauts!

LillianGish · 01/02/2015 17:50

tartan - what lovely, heart-warming posts.

chocnomorechoc · 01/02/2015 17:56

I have a DC with severe Asd and the answer would boild down for me to the simple question - could you cope (financially, practically, emotionally) with another child with SN.

I have a DC2 who is NT. I got pregnant before we I knew DD had asd. Dc2 has been brilliant for DD though.

chocnomorechoc · 01/02/2015 18:01

Also, we had genetic testing for Dd and she has a rare chromosome disorder. DP and I don't have it (were tested too).

Would this be an option for you, i.e. getting referred to genetics to see if there is a underying gebetic cause for your DS' s autism? If might help you to make an informed choice if you know if there is a chromosome issue and if you or DH are a carrier (or not).