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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby when my first is autistic?

143 replies

PalominoPony · 01/02/2015 14:00

I have one DS, who is 2, who has autism. We have been told that the chances of our next child (should we decide to have one) having autism is roughly 15-20%. (This is a general estimate, not specific to us - it is given on the basis of the number of autistic children in the UK with autistic siblings and they are not able to be more specific as doctors still don't know what causes autism.)

Do you think it would be unreasonable to have another child? Where would you draw the line? For example, for some couples, the chance of them having children with cystic fibrosis is 50%-50%, and I know I wouldn't take that chance. What is a reasonable chance to take when a child may be born with a severely disabling condition? 50%, 25%, less?

I love my DS dearly and would love another but am fully aware of the struggles he will face in life and I am wondering if it's fair to bring a child into the world when there is a significant chance of them being autistic?

Please give me your honest views!

OP posts:
DoubleShotEspresso · 06/06/2022 13:58

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/02/2015 19:23

I think the conversation should be around if you feel your family is complete, rather than 'what ifs'. I have one child with ASD but I was always only going to have one child. Others I know had always planned for 2 or more DCs and they certainly weren't going to let autism take that away from them.

The other thing is, with a 2 yo and being in the eye of the storm of a recent diagnosis - you are basically in the worst place you will ever be. You will come to terms with the dx. Your child will continue to develop (albeit at a different rate from his peers). You will come to terms with the new normal - so you kind of have to decide based on what the future looks like, rather than the now.

This is a beautifully considered post 😍

Plaidparty · 06/06/2022 14:04

I would think about it from your potential second child’s perspective.

kids with additional needs often require more attention. Time, resources etc and Ive read many times on here about resentment or just sadness that their parents were always focused on their sibling and not them.

I have one child and I honestly think I’d struggle to devote enough resources to two NT, never mind if one has additional needs. I take pleasure in having the privilege to give my kid the most - where it be financially, emotionally, time, energy and I wouldn’t give that up for her to have sibling (NT or not)

People always talk about how close siblings are and built in support etc but that’s not always true.

lightunderthesea · 06/06/2022 14:32

To be honest all this talk of having another child for the benefit of the first makes me slightly uncomfortable, all the more when the first child has some kind of disability and the motivation is to improve their quality of life or to ensure a lifelong friend or literal caring relative for the first child.
Each child is in themselves an equal member of the family and in my opinion no one child's needs should be more important than the other's, in the long term.
In terms of your question, there is no right or wrong answer and no-one can answer for you.

Misspacorabanne · 06/06/2022 14:39

We have two DC first diagnosed with autism and the second going for assessment! Its not easy but I wouldn't have missed out on having dc2 for the world!! I love them both to bits!

Misspacorabanne · 06/06/2022 14:41

Or dc1 for that matter!

mydogisthebest · 06/06/2022 14:43

I wouldn't. I could never be that selfish

Marvellousmadness · 06/06/2022 14:52

I wouldnt
You don't know how severely your kid's asd is yet. Imagine the worst posssible outcome and then another asd baby on top of that. I wouldn't want that. Not for myself. Not for my kid. Not for my baby.

And even if you do end up with a NT baby; the chances are that your asd child will not cope very well (at all?) With the presence of a loud and disruptive baby bro or sis.

The stress that you already have will be nothing to what it will be with 2 kids. Even if both kid were NT.

Society might have told you you need 2 kids to have a proper family. And I usually agree that 2 is a food number. But considering your mental state already (and even BEFORE your baby was born..) i don't think youll be doing anyone a favor. You might change your life for the worst.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 06/06/2022 15:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

zurala · 06/06/2022 15:42

Ugh the ablism on this thread is so depressing. Being autistic is a different neurotype, not a horrible disease.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 06/06/2022 16:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Quitelikeit · 06/06/2022 16:59

Bumping for further personal experiences-

mucky123 · 06/06/2022 17:36

I say this as a counter to all the parents who seem to say they would never have had children had they known they were autistic. I'm not saying anything against what they are saying, it's sad they feel that way but that is their experience and this is mine.

I have 3 dc with autism. I'd have happily had a fourth if time had been on my side. They are all pretty awesome. They struggle with some things obviously but so do NT children/people. They are very loving and I get more from them (all in different ways) than I think my friends get from their NT children. My son was also diagnosed at 2, my DDs much later (although they are older than him). It's more obvious for him than them but the girls struggle more with anxiety - perhaps because they mask more. We live a quieter life than lots of families, more just us but we enjoy what we do. I wouldn't have rather had NT children, that seems exhausting from where I am standing. It's possible I am also autistic but it has never been diagnosed.

I think you should wait and see how things go with your son. If its very hard and takes up all your time, maybe not. If you would have another praying that they wouldn't be autistic definitely not as you may end up disappointed and this could rub off on your child. If however you have a funny, different, loving child who develops at their own pace you might think why not. Good luck with whatever you decide and remember any difficulties that your son has now won't necessarily remain the same, he will probably change and develop.

mucky123 · 06/06/2022 17:44

Just realised this was an old thread. Would love to know how it all panned out for the OP.

Quitelikeit · 06/06/2022 22:12

Bumping

Dajeeling · 06/06/2022 22:19

It’s 3 out of 3 for me OP… all different severities though. The first would have been classed as Aspergers back in the day, the second is very bright with extremely challenging behaviour (at times) and the youngest is non-verbal. Three very different kids though but all loved.

ofwarren · 06/06/2022 22:24

This post is 7 years old!

autienotnaughty · 06/06/2022 22:27

We chose not to have more. Not because we wouldn't want an autistic child (my son is awesome) but because it wouldn't be fair to him. He needs lots of attention and support and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. He has a pretty solid routine a baby would massively disrupt it.

autienotnaughty · 06/06/2022 22:29

We chose not to have more. Not because we wouldn't want another autistic child (my son is awesome) but because it wouldn't be fair to him. He needs lots of attention and support and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. He has a pretty solid routine a baby would massively disrupt it.

autienotnaughty · 06/06/2022 22:29

We chose not to have more. Not because we wouldn't want another autistic child (my son is awesome) but because it wouldn't be fair to him. He needs lots of attention and support and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. He has a pretty solid routine a baby would massively disrupt it.

Skidaramink · 06/06/2022 23:16

I was in exactly the same position as you OP and thought long and hard about it. The decision I came to was that if it was a less than 25% chance it was OK.

I went ahead and had my DC2, a little girl, and she is neurotypical and is just a sheer delight and has bought me so much happiness. I can’t imagine my life without her. I say go for it.

Skidaramink · 06/06/2022 23:29

@tt22 I actually just replied to the thread before reading your message, and then realised it was MY post from 7 years ago!! Name changed since then but I am the OP 😄!

Per my post above, I had a little girl who is NT and I am SO glad I did. She is an absolute joy.

All the best with your decision.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/06/2022 23:57

DC have additional needs. Personally the greatest gift I was able to give them was that of a sibling.

It's such a broad spectrum. We know lots of autistics who don't struggle seemingly in the slightest but who are excelling at school, popular etc.. there are no guarantees of anything in life. I'd go for it

MountainClimber22 · 07/06/2022 00:01

It's such a wide spectrum it would be difficult for anyone to say. My autistic child who also has adhd is a blessing and is going to do amazing things in life. He just needs a little bit more help to get there.

MountainClimber22 · 07/06/2022 00:02

Oh ghost thread sorry!

autienotnaughty · 07/06/2022 03:52

Skidaramink · 06/06/2022 23:29

@tt22 I actually just replied to the thread before reading your message, and then realised it was MY post from 7 years ago!! Name changed since then but I am the OP 😄!

Per my post above, I had a little girl who is NT and I am SO glad I did. She is an absolute joy.

All the best with your decision.

Didn't realise it was a zombie thread when I replied!. Lovely to hear it all worked out.