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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect dp to be doing the lions share of the housework just now?

142 replies

MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:24

I've Recently started a full time job, with long hours. Most days Monday to Friday I'll leave the house at 6am, and get home at around 5/6pm. Job involves a lot of travelling to different sites, and then working on site for 7/8 hours, then travelling home.

Especially because I've just started and getting used to the long hours, I'm coming home knackered, can barely muster enough energy to have a bath and iron my shirt for the next day, and go to bed.

Dp is a student, and has only just gone back to classes (3 days a week for a few hours a day...) After his long Xmas holidays. But he will deliberately leave housework for me to do to make sure I'm still 'pulling my weight around the house'.

For example, this weekend my parents were visiting my brother in a nearby city so I went over to join them. When I came back there was a sinkload of dishes waiting for me, because it was my turn apparently to do the dishes. Which technically it was, but none ofother dishes were mine, I had t even been in the house since the dishes had last been done.

He seems to get annoyed when I come in from work and want to sit and chill for a while, because there are 'things that need done' but when I ask him what he's been doing all day, he'll have been doing nothing all day.

I know uni is tough, I've been through it myself. But it's not as if he's spending hours in the library and coming home tired. Yes mooching about all day and then moaning that I'm not doing anything to help out around the house. Surely as the person with more free time in the house he's the person who should be doing most of the housework, and not acting like a martyr about it??

Sorry that's a bit long..

OP posts:
OneInAMillionYou · 01/02/2015 10:29

God, he sounds awful. Who plays this sort of controlling mind game with their partner?
I couldn't share my home and life with someone like this, does he do ANY paid work while he is studying?

Nolim · 01/02/2015 10:30

Yanbu. I think that both partners should have the same amount of leisure time so if one has longer hous/commute then the other one should do more. Otherwise one person (you op) would not be able to sleep 8 or whatever hours per night.

It is easier for your dp to be a martyr than to do his fair share. Dont let him.

clam · 01/02/2015 10:31

He's having a bloody laugh, isn't he?

notonyourninny · 01/02/2015 10:33

Of course he should be doing more!

holeinmyheart · 01/02/2015 10:34

What ! he sounds like a lazy Toe rag.
You are both living in the house and who ever is home should clear up any mess that is there at the time.
That is the arrangement I have. I have to say on the way out ' will you clear, clean etc. but it gets done. I
I think your little ray of Sunshine is taking the Mickey and I think it is time to kick ass.

HazleNutt · 01/02/2015 10:34

your DP is massively taking the piss. If there are things to do around the house and he is actually in the house, why the fuck is he sitting on your arse, waiting for you to come home to do them? What exactly is his contribution?
You should have equal leisure time. Considering that you work 12 hours, 5 days per week, and he studies just a few hours, it sounds like it's fair for him to do everything.
Also, is he contributing equally for bills and living costs?

Original poster
MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:40

I am just ignoring him when he's being a martyr. He makes a big deal of telling me if he did something like doing the dishes, or putting a washing in the machine (which actually I can almost never do, because I leave the house too early and get in too late to put the washing on in a flat because of the noise). When he does this I'll just say 'cool' or something, even though I know he wants praise for doing it.

This morning he asked me to do dishes and I told him I had lots to sort out (big pile of washing from the last 2 weeks that I need to put away, plus ironing for the next week) and he got all quiet and made himself a cup of tea, went to do the dishes, then moaned about the fact that his tea had gone cold before he got a chance to drink it. Even though he chose to make the tea then, knowing he was going to do the dishes.

The thing is, soon he will be working on his dissertation, and I'll be more than happy to do a bit more to help out so he can concentrate on that. But just now I feel like he should be making it easier for me to have some down time while I'm working.

He works 2 nights a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:42

This month he has been contributing more financially because I have to wait a longer time for my first pay from my new job. But as soon as that comes in ill be ok financially.

We do half bills normally. We have a joint account that we transfer our amount to cover bills into and then the rest of our money is our own.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 01/02/2015 10:44

Can you tell us something good about him op?

3littlefrogs · 01/02/2015 10:47

As soon as I read about the washing up I thought - why would you want a relationship with a sulky, selfish man-child like this.

Thank goodness you have seen his true colours.

Original poster
MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:49

In othzer respects he is lovely, we get on really well, have a laugh etc. And strangely, something he is always really good at is having dinner ready when I come in from work.

It's just when it comes to housework. And I think what it boils down to is that it's jobs that he dislikes doing, so feels hard done by that I'm managing to 'get out of' doing them, by working such long hours.

OP posts:
MrsGeorgeMichael · 01/02/2015 10:55

why are you with him? what would life be like with children in the mix!

TheHomicidalPowerOfaTypo · 01/02/2015 10:57

Dh lost his job in December and can't find another one so I'm now working 12-13 hours a day to try and make up the loss of income. I come home to dinner cooked, homework done, house clean, washing done, kids played with, and most importantly, the coffee machine ready to go.

Dh is miserable as sin being stuck at home and I know that most of this gets done in order to fill his days up (I got bollocked for washing up the other day because he had been leaving it as something to do after he'd been to the launderette) but it's also because he sees it as his job now that the roles have been reversed.

Which, in my opinion, is how it should be.

Nolim · 01/02/2015 11:00

Agree with homicidal. If by choice or circumstances he spends more time at home then doing housework should be part of his work.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:03

Laziness is such an unattractive trait. You shouldn't have to prompt, either.

He's pisstaking.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:03

Someone will be along to suggest you hire a cleaner.

holeinmyheart · 01/02/2015 11:04

I just loved your reply homicide your DH made a fuss because you did did the washing up and he was saving it. Priceless.... I laughed my socks off.
Seriously I do hope your DH gets a job soon. Bless him .
But I suppose no one would turn a hair if it was a woman doing what your DH is doing. We are mugs really.

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 11:05

?
He perhaps thought that living with a woman would mean he gets an unpaid domestic servant?

It's tough to deal with a situation where the man clings to his belief that housework is women's work, if you refuse to do any of his share it means living with the ensuing mess?

HazleNutt · 01/02/2015 11:06

there are 168 hours in a week. So if you deduct working/studying hours and sleeping hours, how much free time does each of you have? Would be fair to share the housework proportionally to that free time.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/02/2015 11:06

He sounds more like a moody house-mate than a true life-partner. I'm sorry but I just wouldn't stand for it. He's a manipulative arsehole and needs to get his bloody finger out. I can foresee him not doing anything once he's started on his, oh so important dissertation. Start as you mean to go on, or you'll be relegated to being his house-maid and servant before you've realised what's happened.

Original poster
MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 11:09

See the one thing that is making me think I might be being unreasonable is the fact that he is technically a full time student. So there are things that he should be doing with his time.

But if he was doing that, I'd be happier to help out with housework.

He also moans about being woken up in the morning when I'm getting ready for work,because he struggles to go back to sleep. I have told him to suck it up, because I need to get ready, and no way in hell am I going to try and do it in the dark/tiptoeing around because he doesn't want to be woken up. He normally sleeps in till about 12, so it's not as if it's making him tired for the day to be briefly woken up when I'm leaving at 6am.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 01/02/2015 11:10

Well, he doesn't just study a few hours a day, does he (not if he wants to do well in his course, anyway )

But even so, no, he isn't pulling his weight. I CBA with this "my stuff, his stuff" with things like washing up and ironing - sounds more like a house share than a single household

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:10

I would get out now before ever having children with him. He will be a competitive tired type. He dislikes doing tasks? Diddums. We all have to do things we don't like. Too fucking bad.

This month he's contributing financially?

So what next month? He becomes a very messy, lazy, annoying pet you subsidise whilst he does FA, then you come home and clean his mess?

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 11:15

The dissertation will give him a huge amount of potential leverage, he'll be able to claim that he's spending all day working on it and you won't be able to dispute it.
If you complain about his lack of housework he'll be able to claim that you're making him stressed and he can't concentrate on the dissertation.

The possibilities are endless and he'll be able to prioritize his studying and his future career and earning potential.
Any attempts you make to establish a fair division of labour will be re-branded as attempts to sabotage his future.

Obviously I am painting a 'worst case scenario' picture here! ?

however · 01/02/2015 11:16

Yeah, uni isn't that tough when your contact are a few hours, 3 days a week. Get out now.