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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect dp to be doing the lions share of the housework just now?

142 replies

MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:24

I've Recently started a full time job, with long hours. Most days Monday to Friday I'll leave the house at 6am, and get home at around 5/6pm. Job involves a lot of travelling to different sites, and then working on site for 7/8 hours, then travelling home.

Especially because I've just started and getting used to the long hours, I'm coming home knackered, can barely muster enough energy to have a bath and iron my shirt for the next day, and go to bed.

Dp is a student, and has only just gone back to classes (3 days a week for a few hours a day...) After his long Xmas holidays. But he will deliberately leave housework for me to do to make sure I'm still 'pulling my weight around the house'.

For example, this weekend my parents were visiting my brother in a nearby city so I went over to join them. When I came back there was a sinkload of dishes waiting for me, because it was my turn apparently to do the dishes. Which technically it was, but none ofother dishes were mine, I had t even been in the house since the dishes had last been done.

He seems to get annoyed when I come in from work and want to sit and chill for a while, because there are 'things that need done' but when I ask him what he's been doing all day, he'll have been doing nothing all day.

I know uni is tough, I've been through it myself. But it's not as if he's spending hours in the library and coming home tired. Yes mooching about all day and then moaning that I'm not doing anything to help out around the house. Surely as the person with more free time in the house he's the person who should be doing most of the housework, and not acting like a martyr about it??

Sorry that's a bit long..

OP posts:

Original poster

MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 23:25

I don't know if there's a possibility of him being jealous in some way.

I've had to stop talking about my job, which I'm doing really well in and likely to be signed off on my training about 2 months earlier than new starts normally are, which will increase my pay. but apparently 3 weeks in it got really boring for him to hear about all the time, so now at the end of each day I phone my parents and tell them about my day so he doesn't have to hear about it.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/02/2015 07:32

Yep, he's jealous. And mean.

ohtheholidays · 02/02/2015 08:14

How old is he 17,18 he sounds like my oldest son.

Seriously OP you need to sort this out and sooner rather than later.

Your going to work,doing really long hours,helping out at home and he's doing what exactly?

A good relationship,a healthy one,he would be supporting you by helping out,without acting so hard done by and he would be proud of your achievements.Yes he's allowed to be jealous but should he be making it so obvious.Not at all.

clam · 02/02/2015 08:45

"I've had to stop talking about my job,"
"apparently 3 weeks in it got really boring for him to hear about all the time,"

He sounds just peachy!

Marynary · 02/02/2015 09:05

If the DP did post as you suggest arethere, I think most telling of all would be him claiming that he's being expected to do all housework when that isn't actually the case.

OP is suggesting that he does the lions share though. Her hours aren't that long and she doesn't have children so don't see why she can't do half even at the moment. Her DP always cooks her dinner.
I do agree that it is very petty of him to leave the washing up when she is away though. The whole thing sounds quite petty though.

ohtheholidays · 02/02/2015 09:09

The Op is out of the house between 11 and 12 hours a day how is that not long.

LindyHemming · 02/02/2015 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 02/02/2015 09:14

The Op is out of the house between 11 and 12 hours a day how is that not long.

Really? It was a normal day to me before children and I'm sure is for many other people (including me on some days). I could still wash up especially if someone else had cooked tea. There isn't much housework if you don't have children and it can easily be done at weekends surely?

Suzannewithaplan · 02/02/2015 09:16

?
Sounds like he resents your success and wants to put you back in your place as domestic servant.
After all he's the man you know!
As a woman you should be content with a supportive 'behind the scenes' role which allows him to be king of the hill ?

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 09:45

Marynary, I regularly work those hours and consider them long, even though it's my 'normal' day IYSWIM. I think a lot of people probably do. Your comment is a little martyrish.

I think the really pertintent thing, though, is that the OP is out of the house between 11 and 12 hours a day and her DP is not. Her DP stays in bed till 12 and leaves dishes that are ALL HIS for her to wash up if he thinks it's her 'turn'.

It's not about competitive who works the longest hours; it's about a fair division of work according to who has more time.

Marynary · 02/02/2015 10:15

I think the really pertintent thing, though, is that the OP is out of the house between 11 and 12 hours a day and her DP is not. Her DP stays in bed till 12 and leaves dishes that are ALL HIS for her to wash up if he thinks it's her 'turn'.

It's not about competitive who works the longest hours; it's about a fair division of work according to who has more time.

As I said it depends on their relationship and whether or not OP is supporting her partner financially. It sounds as if the bills are split equally and he pays for himself. Maybe he considers them to just be boyfriend and girlfriend sharing a flat with everything split equally including housework. I don't think that he is necessarily wrong to see it that way.

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 10:25

just be boyfriend and girlfriend sharing a flat

I don't get what you mean by this or what the 'just' means. As my DP and I aren't married, 'boyfriend and girlfriend sharing a flat' is a fair description of our living arrangements. But I would not sit on my arse at home all day piling up washing-up and then leave it for him. He wouldn't do it to me either.

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 10:26

Oh, and neither do either of us tell the other to stop talking about our jobs, or make ourselves a cup of tea at a deliberately bad time so we can then blame the other person when it goes cold.

Marynary · 02/02/2015 10:40

When I say "just boyfriend and girlfriend" sharing a flat I mean that they are not necessarily "life partners" (in his mind anyway). I'm not referring to anyone who isn't married.
I agree that leaving the washing up is petty (I wouldn't do that even in a flatshare) but I'm not really talking about that. I'm referring to whether or not he should do the "lionshare" of the housework as suggested by OP. I think it depends on whether she is supporting him financially and on their relationship.

Chunderella · 02/02/2015 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 11:24

Ah, I see. If I were the OP, I'd be thinking seriously about whether they were life partners in her mind, going by his behaviour ...

I think whoever works shorter hours and/or is home more ought to do more of the work in the house. In my relationship this is me as I work partly at home and DP is more office-based. I work long hours, but being at home I can more easily stick a wash on or put a casserole in the oven. It just makes sense.

And I think the leaving his own washing-up is absolutely part of the wider issue and needs to be taken into consideration, as does the silly thing about making tea purposely for it to go cold so he can blame her.

Miggsie · 02/02/2015 11:29

Most men consider housework to be "womens work" and get pissed off if asked to contribute.

Explain household tasks should not be allocated by gender but by who has the time and opportunity - being at home all day gives you 100% opportunity, so if he isn't studying, he has time to do housework.

Sadly, many studies show that men do far less housework even if the woman works the longest hours - often you have to choose between flaming rows or doing it all yourself.
I now take the view on housework that if it isn't important enough for someone else to think of doing it then it isn't important.
DH irons all his own shirts for instance, I don't have time for that.

Marynary · 02/02/2015 11:38

The washing up just suggests to me that they are not getting on and he is making a point (that they should share housework equally) in a really petty way. The real issue is whether or not they should be sharing housework equally in the first place or whether he should be doing the "lionshare" at the moment as suggested by OP.

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 11:42

Well, I think I disagree with that. To me, the cups of tea and washing-up are part of the same wider issue also illustrated by him not wanting to hear about her work.

IMO they're all, as the MN phrase has it, 'red flags'. Some are just bigger flags than others.

WiiUnfit · 02/02/2015 11:59

YANBU OP, to give you another insight...

DH works full time Mon-Fri and often a Saturday morning. He leaves at 7am and gets home at 6pm (except Saturday).

I work 18.5hrs and am also studying for my degree, currently doing two simultaneous modules. I leave the house at 7am and arrive home at 6pm, except my half day when I get home at 1pm.

We have one DC aged 3.8.

We both chuck washloads in as / when required and share tasks like cooking. We both get DS ready for the day and ready for bed. We ask DS who he would like to put him to bed, usually he asks for both of us.

I do the cleaning, dusting, hoovering, ironing, internet food shopping.

DH washes up, does the bins, does any car maintenance, changes the beds.

If one of us has had a particularly hard / busy week, the other will step up and complete some of their "designated" tasks. The same is true if one of us has time off. Although DH views cleaning the bathroom as squirting a bit of bleach in the toilet!

This leaves us with the same amount of downtime which we use to exercise and/or spend time together.

We're a team.

Your "D"P needs a word!

Marynary · 02/02/2015 13:39

Well, I think I disagree with that. To me, the cups of tea and washing-up are part of the same wider issue also illustrated by him not wanting to hear about her work.

It may only be part of the wider issue to the extent that they are not getting on which is perhaps at least in part because OP thinks he should be doing the "lionshare" of the housework while he thinks it should be equal like the paying of the bills (there is no suggestion from OP she will be supporting him or paying a higher share of the bills now that she is working).

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 13:46

Well, yes, Mary, they obviously need to have a proper discussion about housework and money and how they are split (and there's no suggestion from the OP that she WON'T be paying a higher share of the bills, either, so I'm not going to comment on that). And maybe he is resentful over the housework.

Nonetheless, I cannot find it in me to be very impressed by any adult who asks their partner not to talk about their day because they find it 'boring'. Or who does silly little passive-aggressive things like the OP has described.

Maybe sorting out the housework and bills will put a stop to this silliness and tension. Or maybe it will reveal the DP to be the kind of person not worth wasting one's time on.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/02/2015 14:00

Mary, OP has said she will pay more after this first month is over, I believe.

Marynary · 02/02/2015 14:12

I didn't notice OP saying she would be paying more in the future. She said that he paid more this month but that normally they transfer an amount to cover bills into and then the rest of our money is their own.

I agree that telling OP not to talk about her day and other pettiness are not a good sign. I just don't necessarily agree with OP that her partner should be doing the "lionshare" of the housework. It depends on how the finances are worked out and on their relationship.

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 14:17

I'm not sure finances on their own make that much difference to working out housework. If one partner works long hours but is low-paid, and the other earns a good salary or hourly rate but has shorter hours and/or an easier commute (or works from home), should the one who works long hours do less of the housework, because they're out more, or more of the housework, because they're bringing in less money?

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