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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect dp to be doing the lions share of the housework just now?

142 replies

MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:24

I've Recently started a full time job, with long hours. Most days Monday to Friday I'll leave the house at 6am, and get home at around 5/6pm. Job involves a lot of travelling to different sites, and then working on site for 7/8 hours, then travelling home.

Especially because I've just started and getting used to the long hours, I'm coming home knackered, can barely muster enough energy to have a bath and iron my shirt for the next day, and go to bed.

Dp is a student, and has only just gone back to classes (3 days a week for a few hours a day...) After his long Xmas holidays. But he will deliberately leave housework for me to do to make sure I'm still 'pulling my weight around the house'.

For example, this weekend my parents were visiting my brother in a nearby city so I went over to join them. When I came back there was a sinkload of dishes waiting for me, because it was my turn apparently to do the dishes. Which technically it was, but none ofother dishes were mine, I had t even been in the house since the dishes had last been done.

He seems to get annoyed when I come in from work and want to sit and chill for a while, because there are 'things that need done' but when I ask him what he's been doing all day, he'll have been doing nothing all day.

I know uni is tough, I've been through it myself. But it's not as if he's spending hours in the library and coming home tired. Yes mooching about all day and then moaning that I'm not doing anything to help out around the house. Surely as the person with more free time in the house he's the person who should be doing most of the housework, and not acting like a martyr about it??

Sorry that's a bit long..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:17

Suzanne nailed it. I drill it into my kids' heads, dump lazy people pronto. There is no quality that makes up for it.

HazleNutt · 01/02/2015 11:18

there are not that many people who actually enjoy doing dishes.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:19

Sleeps in till noon? Is he 15? He will tell you he 'works better at night'. So get a night job! Plenty work on top of PhD.

paxtecum · 01/02/2015 11:19

He really is living a student life getting up at midday.
(Apologies to hard working students).

Dump him.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/02/2015 11:21

You are expecting to get out of the jobs you both hate by working though, so why do you feel that it's appropriate for all the crap jobs to become his, simply because you are working long hours?

If it's a partnership, why are the crap jobs his, while you get the rewarding job?

I'm not saying he's completely appropriate at the moment, but the assertion that all the crap jobs need to be done by the person with the most time at home is not one I can see any merit in.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:24

If you are at work, you are not generating mess. There would be next to no housework if the OP were single as she is out of the house 12 hours a day.

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 11:26

he's a freeloader

Original poster
MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 11:26

What's the rewarding job that I'm doing? if you are referring to my career, then yes it's rewarding because I've worked up to this point and can now do this job. I don't think my boss would be that happy if I turned round and told them that my dp was going to do the job today because he doesn't want to Do the dishes...

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/02/2015 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiHop · 01/02/2015 11:27

Presumably if he's a full time student, he's got studying to do outside of his classes? Is this what he's doing some of the time when you're at work? Just because someone is a student doesn't mean they are sitting on their bum all day. When I was a student I had much less spare time than my dp so he did more housework than me. However even if he is studying whilst as you're at work it does sound like you're more busy than him.

LadyLuck10 · 01/02/2015 11:27

He is showing you who he is loud and clear. You will be a fool to marry and then have kids with him.
So he would rather you come home after a full day of work to make sure you pulled your weight? Honestly if you have to sit down and explain to someone how wrong this is, it really is not worth being with him. He's showing you how selfish he is and how he thinks. Stop making excuses for him, you have the choice to accept this and then be in for a lot of issues or choose better for yourself by leaving.

clam · 01/02/2015 11:30

"You are expecting to get out of the jobs you both hate by working though, so why do you feel that it's appropriate for all the crap jobs to become his, simply because you are working long hours?"

What? Hmm She's earning a fucking living!! And leaving the house tidy, to return to the mess he has made, once he's rolled out of bed at midday.

Original poster
MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 11:31

AntiHop, yes he should be doing studying outside his classes, but the point is that he's not. If he was, I'd be happy to help out a lot more.

OP posts:
Mintyyssockie · 01/02/2015 11:33

If he has dinner on the table every night, do you do the dishes afterwards? Or do you leave them for him to do the next day?

What housework do you do?

I ask because this was more or less the situation I found myself in when I was a sahm and dh worked long hours. Because I had time to do the dishes the next day they were left for me. Meaning that dh hardly ever cooked or washed up during the week. I found I resented this rather strongly as time went on as it meant that I did more or less EVERYTHING 5 days a week when that wasn't the deal I signed up for.

You get home at 5/6pm which is quite early. You could cook or wash up and have a bath later occasionally?

Imo it causes a lot of tension in a relationship if one person is left to do all the domestic tasks just because they happen to have more time.

Tricycletops · 01/02/2015 11:33

I agree that your DP is taking the piss - but if you were a full time student and he was expecting you to do all the housework you'd still be being told to LTB...

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:34

Whose name is the tenancy in? How long is left on it? He's showing you who he is: listen.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:35

SAHP is a completely different scenario.

Mintyyssockie · 01/02/2015 11:37

Oh?

bigbluestars · 01/02/2015 11:38

Cocklodger.

Get rid.

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 11:39

?
If you were to live separately and independently whose life would be easier than it is now and which of you would have a more difficult life??
A partnership needs to benefit both parties equally ?

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 11:41

Um, yes. For one, you have to look after a baby or chase a toddler, who makes tons of mess, doesn't sleep all night often enough, gets ill and gets you ill and you have to chunter through that, generates far more mess, costs a lot, interrupts everything you do.

Totally different scenario from on your own in a flat all day.

Yesitismeagain · 01/02/2015 11:43

YABU didn't you know housework and cleaning is woman's work?!

In truth cleaning is boring and tedious. He is just being lazy.

SASASI · 01/02/2015 11:46

I agree with expat. Unfortunately I married someone inherently lazy & it's not only housework that attitude makes difficult.

He's not all bad (obviously) but I definately should have married someone with get up & go attitude like me. It's a major bone of contention & rightly or wrongly I do 90% of housework, admin etc.

I don't have a bad life & will be working p/t after maternity leave but it would be nice not to live with a man child but IMO it's not a deal breaker either.

Jackieharris · 01/02/2015 11:48

What a cocklodger!

Get rid.

Mintyyssockie · 01/02/2015 11:55

I was talking more about the psychology of being left to do everything domestic, just because you are there, than the practicalities. Of course it is obvious that he should do more than op but it sounds like he is to me? Or is op saying she does more domestic work than him despite this disparity in their working hours?

Surely the split should be something like 75/25, not 90/10 or whatever. Otherwise the person at home comes to feel like some sort of housekeeper and not an equal partner in an adult relationship.

However, we haven't heard many details so its impossible to tell.