Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect dp to be doing the lions share of the housework just now?

142 replies

MsMarvel · 01/02/2015 10:24

I've Recently started a full time job, with long hours. Most days Monday to Friday I'll leave the house at 6am, and get home at around 5/6pm. Job involves a lot of travelling to different sites, and then working on site for 7/8 hours, then travelling home.

Especially because I've just started and getting used to the long hours, I'm coming home knackered, can barely muster enough energy to have a bath and iron my shirt for the next day, and go to bed.

Dp is a student, and has only just gone back to classes (3 days a week for a few hours a day...) After his long Xmas holidays. But he will deliberately leave housework for me to do to make sure I'm still 'pulling my weight around the house'.

For example, this weekend my parents were visiting my brother in a nearby city so I went over to join them. When I came back there was a sinkload of dishes waiting for me, because it was my turn apparently to do the dishes. Which technically it was, but none ofother dishes were mine, I had t even been in the house since the dishes had last been done.

He seems to get annoyed when I come in from work and want to sit and chill for a while, because there are 'things that need done' but when I ask him what he's been doing all day, he'll have been doing nothing all day.

I know uni is tough, I've been through it myself. But it's not as if he's spending hours in the library and coming home tired. Yes mooching about all day and then moaning that I'm not doing anything to help out around the house. Surely as the person with more free time in the house he's the person who should be doing most of the housework, and not acting like a martyr about it??

Sorry that's a bit long..

OP posts:
Mintyy · 01/02/2015 17:52

"Creating mess"?

You mean having lunch and a few cups of tea?

HazleNutt · 01/02/2015 18:15

well according to OP, he did manage to produce a whole lot of dishes, for example, that he expected her to wash up.

YonicScrewdriver · 01/02/2015 18:28

"He normally sleeps in till about 12"

Yikes!

Treemuskears · 01/02/2015 18:39

He can't leave and find his own place, it is his place.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 18:55

She's got a good job. She can easily find another place to live. Even a bedsit with only one person making a mess. No martyrdom, sulking, looking for cookies, someone leaving their dirty dishes for her to clean up, laying in bed till noon all bills paid, keeping score, tit-for-tat. Win-win.

SorchaN · 01/02/2015 19:12

My view is that housework should be split equally, no matter what hours people are working outside the home, because it's crappy work with no sense of reward. However, in situations like this, where one partner has recently started a new and demanding job, it makes sense for the other partner to pick up the slack for a few weeks. A new job gets less tiring once you get used to it, and you'll have more energy. And one day, hopefully, he'll get a new job and maybe you'll need to do a bit more housework. But it's the sort of thing you should be negotiating together; it's not acceptable for him to leave his washing up in the sink for you to do.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/02/2015 19:18

SorchaN I agree there may be lots of good reasons for a partner with more time to want to pick more than an equal share of chores when the other isn't able to - either because they have a new job, or they have extra stress, or simply because they want to spend more time with their partner relaxed and not doing chores.

The problem I have is with the other partner expecting and even demanding that simply because they have less time through their own choice than the other.

whattheseithakasmean · 01/02/2015 19:22

My view is that housework should be split equally, no matter what hours people are working outside the home, because it's crappy work with no sense of reward.

Totally disagree. Yes, it is grunt work, but if you are not working long hours, doing the crappy stuff is eating less into your precious spare time.

I work longer hours than DH & he does more housework. We both consider this fair.

HazleNutt · 01/02/2015 19:24

so if one partner is working, say 3 hours per week and the other 12 hours per day, it would be fair to expect that the second comes home and does 50% of the housework, even though the first has been home the whole day? What about their leisure time?

rookiemere · 01/02/2015 19:31

Really SorchaN - even in the scenario where one person works and the other doesn't and DCs are at school, the housework should be split equally. That seems absurd to me.

I work p/t, DH full, it seems only fair to me that I would do more of the washing, cooking and grocery shoping as I have more time to do it.

Mind you we have a cleaner as well Grin.

OP the deal breaker for me is the fact that he gets to sleep until 12 each day then leaves dirty dishes that you didn't even make for you to wash up. People who are supposed to love each other don't do things like that.

Recently DH started a wee stunt where he'd empty half the dishwasher. Was quite proud of himself for equalizing the task. Until I pointed out that actually it's a bit selfish and strange to empty half when you're there and I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing and if he didn't stop I might start just cooking for DS and I, or doing half the laundry etc. etc.

OP it sounds like he is trying to train you, don't let him. This is not a man you want to have DCs with, once you have DCs there are about 100 more rubbish chores to do each day. Do you really want to do that with someone carrying a scoreboard?

toomanyostriches · 01/02/2015 19:34

So, you come home from a long day at work and he has the cheek to make comments about you "pulling your weight" when he's been in bed until midday? He sounds like a spoilt child.

Is it possible that he resents you working for some reason? Or maybe he feels insecure because you're bringing more money into the home? I can't imagine why else he would be taking this stance over the household chores. It's as though he thinks you've gone out and gotten yourself this job purely to get out of doing the dishes or something.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/02/2015 19:36

Honestly, you sound lovely. You could do so much better. Leave, live by yourself for a while, if you do stay with him set some pretty firm boundaries now.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2015 19:36

'The problem I have is with the other partner expecting and even demanding that simply because they have less time through their own choice than the other.'

Being a full-time student is a choice, too.

Imagine that?

And yeah, I'd have a problem with demanding, too, because in a partnership, you don't have to.

DH and I have been SAHPs, both working swapping shifts, one working PT and the other FT at various points in the past 13 years.

Since we are adults, we step up with the housework when one or the other is home more not working because that's what you do, not leave dishes you used and dirtied up for the other to wash up because it's 'your turn'. Or leave one or the other's laundry because you don't have as much.

YonicScrewdriver · 01/02/2015 19:44

I'm sure the OP would choose a job that let her get up at midday, if she could...

YonicScrewdriver · 01/02/2015 19:45

And leaving washing up for a person who wasn't there when the meal was eaten is outrageous!

Marynary · 01/02/2015 20:05

I'm not sure really whether he should be doing the "lionshare" of the housework. It depends really on whether you are supporting him financially (doesn't sound like it at the moment as you say you split the bill) and also on your relationship. He might feel that you are just boyfriend and girlfriend living in the same flat and the finances and housework should be split evenly.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2015 21:17

If this thread had been started by the op's partner, could it read;
'I'm a full time student who also works 2 evenings per week. I contribute 50% to all finances. My partner woh. I am also expected to do all housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping. Is this fair?'

ToBeeOrNot · 01/02/2015 21:27

....and my partner says 'suck it up' when I ask her to try not to wake me at 6am every morning for work as I struggle to get back to sleep.

Chunderella · 01/02/2015 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2015 21:32

Equally telling that the op left out the bit that the dp works two nights a week and contributes equally financially from the op?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2015 21:34

All I'm saying is that it sounds like there's two pov's to this story.

Silverdaisy · 01/02/2015 21:38

Op what was your situation before the new job? Were you working part time?

Chunderella · 01/02/2015 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/02/2015 21:42

OP, do you think he is jealous of your success? Is he pettily punishing you for landing a job?

He seems intent on dragging you down.

Dutch1e · 01/02/2015 22:38

Is no-one kind to the people they love any more? My DP would be hurt if he came home to a sink full of passive-agressive dishes... and so would I.

We never split things 50/50 every week. One of us is always doing more around the house than the other, depending on what else is going on. But there's no spreadsheets that calculate who had 4 more minutes of down-time last Tuesday week. More like one of us will say "I'll take DS to the park so you can do nothing for a bit."

OP, it sounds sad for you to be in this situation. Is there something else going on that is making your DP so mean and petty?

Swipe left for the next trending thread