to be this angry when nothing bad actually happened?

[EbonyIck]

DS3 is 7 and attends a specialist school (no disabilities/he is not especially vulnerable), which is close-ish to DH's work, a 45-minute train journey (very easy journey as school and home are a five-min walk from relevant stations), from home. It's a 20 minute drive but I can't drive due to a medical condition.

Either I or DH will take him depending on DH's schedule (morning meetings etc), and DH almost always collects him as it's a faff for me to get there and collect other DCs from their school. DS3 attends the after-school programme and the latest he can be collected is 6.30pm. Most people in DH's office (and DH), work 8-4 or 5pm

Yesterday around 4.30 DH let me know he was going for a quick drink with work people, I offered to go and collect DS3, he said no, the drinks were near the station and his friends needed to leave by 5.45 to make their train.

I called him at 5.30 to make sure everything was okay, it was, and asked him to call me when he and DS3 were at the station so I could get dinner on.

He rang me at 6.30ish with DS3, he sounded a bit 'merry' but okay. So I was expecting them at 7.15pm.

I texted a couple of times and got no response so called at 7pm making sure they were on time (cooking fish). DS3 answered and said "Daddy's fallen asleep". I asked what station they were at and he didn't know. I said to wake Daddy up, DS3 said "I can't, he's lying down".

I went down to the station still on the phone to DS3, expecting to have to check every train for DH and DS3 (wasn't sure which they'd be on, they come every 3-5 minutes), ask staff to hold the train while I did, pretty frantic as I'm sure you can imagine.

On my way DH took over the phone having been woken up by DS3 pushing him. They got off the train at the right stop and I met them at the station.

DH was absolutely HAMMERED. Incoherent. Haven't seen him like that in years. Just about dragged him home and put him to bed.

DS3 was fine, he'd been reading and playing on the phone, didn't seem too bothered. I fed the DCs and got them to bed and seethed all night.

This morning when DH woke up I laid into him and he was contrite, said he hadn't eaten and was really sorry. He made a joke about waking up with DS3 at the airport (which is the end of the line). I said it was no laughing matter, what if school or someone on the train had called SS, what if someone had snatched DS or stolen something. He accepted my points but seemed to think it was more funny than anything.

He and DS2 are out for the day and I'm just working myself up more and more. AIBU to be this angry? I am FURIOUS and keep going over it my head. But I'm not sure what I can do that's productive other than always collect DS3 if DH is doing something after work.

4 drinks is so little to remember I cab almost garuntee you it was more than he said.

you don't guess how much wine you have had unless it went past 2 or three glasses because it's only two or three things to remember. If that makes sense.

I can reel off exactly what I have had to drink.

you don't forget 4 drinks

I often have small glasses of wine. I don't think the assumption should be that he has a bottle of wine plus a g&t.

Everyone is banging on about large/small glasses, but I actually think it's important in the degree of how cross the op should be.

If he had three small glasses of wine, forgetting he had an empty stomach, and therefore the consequences of drinking took him by surprise, I think that's a lot more acceptable than knocking back a bottle of wine plus a g&t in a really short period of time.

Nobody spiked his drink.

He drank too much, too fast, on an empty stomach.

If this is totally out of character for him, I'd just let it go (providing he was totally mortified).

I don't agree that "nothing happened".

As you've said yourself, a 7 year old was in the position of having to get his passed out drunk dad home on the train.

No 7 year old should ever have to do that, and yours has. That will be one of his childhood memories.

Most of us have shit parenting days we are ashamed of, and it doesn't sound like any major harm was done, so it can be out behind all of you.

Except your husband who must never forget this and feel burning shame every time he remembers so that he never, ever does something like it again.

I think by adulthood you know what your limit is.

empty stomach or not, large glass or small, it was alot to drink knowing you have to pick up your ds.

There are no excuses of empty stomachs or shocks here. end of.

It's not what a responsible parent does.

He drank too much, too quickly on an empty stomach. An easy mistake to make but not one you should be making when you're a grown adult in charge of a seven year old. It's the kind of mistake I made at 16 at house parties, fgs. Not as a grown adult with responsibilities.

Your DH should be utterly disgusted. It doesn't matter that nothing happened. IF it had, your DH would be entirely responsible - charged with neglect at best. What he did was a criminal offence. Is he aware of that, OP? Does he still find it funny now?

He was certainly drunk. Hammered and incoherent the OP said. But he had not 'passed out'. He fell asleep. He woke up at the correct station and left the train. He made jokes about going to the end of the line, which many passengers have done while asleep on the train, nothing to do with drink.

I think I would ask dh if he would be happy with ds3 travelling home by himself. Get the justifications as to why not. Then ask what the difference I between that and travelling with an adult who has fallen deep enough asleep that ds couldn't wake him up. It should prevent all the defensiveness around the alcohol, and get to the actual issue.

Yanbu

I would have had his balls for earrings.

He was passed out. His 7 year old son could not wake him.

He didn't doze off because he was a bit tired, he passed out because he was plastered.

I don't drink often these days, but I could drink that and not be hammered, even on an empty stomach. People tolerate alcohol differently. It was Friday, he was probably shattered. If you do the same commute daily then your body tends to 'log' the distance and if you have a snooze you tend to wake up before your stop. A few drinks, snoozing is more likely. I'd size with a 7 yo sitting next to me, but I'm a very light sleeper and would know if they'd moved. I think your DH had a few drinks, snoozed as usual, thought he'd wake easily but slept more deeply than he intended to. I bet he won't do it again.

He might have tried to get off the train to get help for his dad and it left without him.

I would have been absolutely appalled.

DH was absolutely HAMMERED. Incoherent.

YA so so so NBU to be livid OP and you don't need to justify it with a string of what ifs. I'd be appalled if my OH did anything like this. What must the contact at school have thought? Or any other parents? Or his own son's perception of him??

If he wanted a night out he had his chance, you repeatedly asked him if he was ok to collect your DS and he said yes. I really hope for your sake no more comes of it, but if I saw a parent who appeared to be drunk I wouldn't hesitate to speak to a teacher and ascertain whether or not the child was safe going anywhere with them. I think in truth I'd be growing increasingly angry at his lack of remorse and treating it like a joke. Will he have the same blasé attitude and try to laugh it off if the school do happen to call and ask if things are ok? Maybe its even worth getting someone to call 'officially' and have him explain himself.

Your DS did really well by the sounds of things, gold stars to him for being the grown up.

Take a deep breath and know that you are right to be angry.

What are his drinking habits like normally, OP?

I'm actually quite shocked that he chose to drink that much knowing he had a DC to pick up. It's a lot.

If he was "hammered" and "incoherent" I'm also very suprised he was allowed to collect, doesn't reflect well on whoever released DS into his care. Would they contact SS if they had allowed him to collect, I wouldn't have thought so as surely if they had concerns at the time, DS wouldn't have been released? Another issue is, what if DS mentions this at school, would it then be raised as a safeguarding issue.

I think the questions are what his drinking habits are like normally and his response if you mention the possibility of SS being alerted?

It's really not acceptable in my book and the level of irresponsibility really would have a huge impact on our relationship. I'm a very far from perfect parent, my DC have had accidents, I've lost sight of one in a park etc etc so I don't want to sound preachy, but if you deliberately do something that would warrant a visit from social services or jeopardise the safety of DCs it's pretty bad. I'm sorry OP.

Does he generally have a problem with drinking? Having 3 glasses of wine and a G&T in the space of 1.5-2 hours and on an empty stomach is pretty excessive! It's not surprising he got drunk and very irresponsible of him. My DH would be paralytic if he drank that much with no food, as would I. Hence my question re his usual alcohol consumption.

Is he usuallybad at judging his own limits with drink? If so, maybe he needs to look at his drinking and start being more careful.

That is a lot to drink in a short time.
I would be so ashamed if I had fallen asleep drunk with my child in my care. He is very lucky the school didn't realise.

Please ignore all this knee jerk guff about drinks being spiked.

Ask any paramedic: drink spiking isn't something that happens often. It's just an excuse people come up with when they find themselves totally and unexpectedly shitfaced. Three glasses of wine and a G&T after not eating anything since breakfast will do that.

How did the school not realise he was hammered? If this happened at my school we'd have called the police.

I can't believe people are saying your reaction is melodramatic or giggling about your DH being hammered drunk in charge of your young child.

Genuinely if it was my husband and he didn't see the seriousness of his behaviour I would actually not let him look after my DC alone again for a long time.

honestly, i repeat.

the fact your DH was that drunk is disgusting.. he should be ashamed.

However, MY anger right now would be aimed at the school staff member who released my 7yo child to a blind drunk who was so fucking pissed he passed out!

Someone needs to ask some serious bloody questions.

School staff can't refuse to release a child to a parent, all they can do is call the police or social services.

I can understand how angry you are. It's fully justified. My advice would be to try and have a calm conversation, explaining how you feel and how unacceptable you feel it was.
However, if this is unusual behaviour and he is truly contrite I think you will need to let it go sometime soon. Everyone makes mistakes (even very big ones) the point is what he learns from it.
I'm also not sure how you go about being angry with school without explaining that your DH was steaming drunk whilst responsible for his 7 yr old.......

BMO, they can also ring the other parent and not release the child until they arrive.