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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be this angry when nothing bad actually happened?

138 replies

EbonyIck · 31/01/2015 16:21

DS3 is 7 and attends a specialist school (no disabilities/he is not especially vulnerable), which is close-ish to DH's work, a 45-minute train journey (very easy journey as school and home are a five-min walk from relevant stations), from home. It's a 20 minute drive but I can't drive due to a medical condition.

Either I or DH will take him depending on DH's schedule (morning meetings etc), and DH almost always collects him as it's a faff for me to get there and collect other DCs from their school. DS3 attends the after-school programme and the latest he can be collected is 6.30pm. Most people in DH's office (and DH), work 8-4 or 5pm

Yesterday around 4.30 DH let me know he was going for a quick drink with work people, I offered to go and collect DS3, he said no, the drinks were near the station and his friends needed to leave by 5.45 to make their train.

I called him at 5.30 to make sure everything was okay, it was, and asked him to call me when he and DS3 were at the station so I could get dinner on.

He rang me at 6.30ish with DS3, he sounded a bit 'merry' but okay. So I was expecting them at 7.15pm.

I texted a couple of times and got no response so called at 7pm making sure they were on time (cooking fish). DS3 answered and said "Daddy's fallen asleep". I asked what station they were at and he didn't know. I said to wake Daddy up, DS3 said "I can't, he's lying down".

I went down to the station still on the phone to DS3, expecting to have to check every train for DH and DS3 (wasn't sure which they'd be on, they come every 3-5 minutes), ask staff to hold the train while I did, pretty frantic as I'm sure you can imagine.

On my way DH took over the phone having been woken up by DS3 pushing him. They got off the train at the right stop and I met them at the station.

DH was absolutely HAMMERED. Incoherent. Haven't seen him like that in years. Just about dragged him home and put him to bed.

DS3 was fine, he'd been reading and playing on the phone, didn't seem too bothered. I fed the DCs and got them to bed and seethed all night.

This morning when DH woke up I laid into him and he was contrite, said he hadn't eaten and was really sorry. He made a joke about waking up with DS3 at the airport (which is the end of the line). I said it was no laughing matter, what if school or someone on the train had called SS, what if someone had snatched DS or stolen something. He accepted my points but seemed to think it was more funny than anything.

He and DS2 are out for the day and I'm just working myself up more and more. AIBU to be this angry? I am FURIOUS and keep going over it my head. But I'm not sure what I can do that's productive other than always collect DS3 if DH is doing something after work.

OP posts:
IHeartChristmasMoomies · 31/01/2015 17:22

2-3 glasses of wine is a whole bottle - people really think that isn't enough to get paralytic on an empty stomach? Confused

Sorry I know that's not the point. I'd be fuming too.

NickiFury · 31/01/2015 17:23

I cannot see anything remotely "funny" about this. I honestly don't know how anyone can.

Spinningplates10 · 31/01/2015 17:25

Hopefully your DH is feeling ashamed of himself at this stage OP but if he's still treating it like a funny incident ask him does he think your DS is now old enough aged 7 to make that journey alone twice daily. I'll bet his answer is no yet effectively he allowed DS to do so!

Original poster
EbonyIck · 31/01/2015 17:26

Thankyou so much for being here

on the one hand he is sorry, it was not intentional

On the other hand are all the worst case scenarios

I am at a loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
EbonyIck · 31/01/2015 17:27

He is embarrassed but not ashamed.

OP posts:
BreacaBoudica · 31/01/2015 17:31

What is his response to the what ifs?

Original poster
EbonyIck · 31/01/2015 17:33

"it didn't happen so don't stress about it"

Wise words maybe?

OP posts:
defineme · 31/01/2015 17:33

Is this symptomatic of a bigger problem? Why no lunch? Is his job super stressful? Is he under a lot of pressure? Is he out of control in other ways?
if this is completely out of character and not a sign of major life problems then he needs to apologise to his ds and learn his lesson.

Spinningplates10 · 31/01/2015 17:36

Well, I think I'd be having a talk with him after DC are in bed tonight and telling him how disappointed I felt. Ok so nothing happened but there are reasons we accompany young children on public transport and DS was in a vulnerable situation due to his actions. At 7 a child would likely feel confused and anxious travelling with dad passed out in his seat, I think he owes DS an apology.

WipsGlitter · 31/01/2015 17:38

I'm surprised he was allowed to take your son if he was in that state.

merlehaggard · 31/01/2015 17:38

A bottle of wine gives 5 or 6 servings of either 150ml or 125ml from a 750ml bottle. Surely then OP's husband would have drunk no where near a bottle of wine. I'm not a wine drinker but there would be 4 of even a large 175ml serving in a bottle and never 2 or 3.

bettyboop1970 · 31/01/2015 17:38

YANBU That is very serious, if someone had phoned police DH would have been arrested and SS involved.
I would never trust him again and probably leave him.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 31/01/2015 17:39

Maybe you should discuss it anonymously with SS, and see what he thinks then. IMO if he hasn't admitted wrong, expressed an apology, and stated clearly that it will never happen again.... then he's not getting the gravity of the situation.

MyAcheybreakyBones · 31/01/2015 17:40

He left your DC in a vulnerable position even if unintentional its just not on, he may have got away with it this time but maybe not next. Will he do it again? That is the main thing.

Well done to your DC in phoning you instead of wandering off for help, I can imagine how a 7 yr old would feel in that situation and its not nice.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/01/2015 17:41

wine vines in two measurements in a pub. Small which is 175ml

large which is 250ml

there are limes on the glasses or official measures they legally sell in.

so three large glasses is a bottle

AliceinWinterWonderland · 31/01/2015 17:41

And yes, he owes your 7yo an apology. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry. Because I made bad choices, it meant you had to take care of me, when it's my job to take care of you. I won't do that again. It's my job to keep you safe, and your safety is important to me." (although clearly it isn't!)

kawliga · 31/01/2015 17:46

A 7 year old not being able to wake their parent in a public place is scary. I would not make this about the drink. This sounds like flakiness to me. Some people are flaky when they are with children. They put children in risky situations and think it's all ok because nothing bad happened. Generally speaking we live in a safe society where bad things don't happen, and this makes some people very complacent.

SmilingandWaving · 31/01/2015 17:52

I am the same height & weight as your DH. Drinking that much, even if they were small glasses, would leave me in a similar state, especially if I hadn't eaten.

I completely agree with Alice, he owes both you & your DS a big apology. I would be worried about the fact that he thinks it's funny & think a calm & factual conversation is in order. If he can't see why it is an issue for you then I would be very angry indeed.

Original poster
EbonyIck · 31/01/2015 17:52

that's the thing. "Daddy is asleep, he is lying down".

DS is SEVEN. It feels so wrong. Daddy is passed out drunk on the seat next to you.

I am so angry.

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 31/01/2015 17:57

Doesn't it even register with him that he put his 7yo in a very scary situation that could have ended very badly?

What an utter twat.

Bowlersarm · 31/01/2015 17:59

You don't know he has had three large glasses Giles. They could have been three small glasses. Someone upthread said 2 glasses make a bottle which is just not correct.

Op, I think you are right to be angry and he should be remorseful. However if this is the first time he has ever done it in many years of fatherhood (this is ds3 aged 7 so presumably you have many more years of being parents), then would it help to focus on that, if you are sure that it is a one off and won't be happening again?

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/01/2015 18:02

Well alot of places do things like buy two large glasses and get the rest of bottle free. or the bottle is actually cheaper than than two glasses.

I'd be very surprised if te whole bottle wasnt consumed cos tbh you'd have to be an idiot to carry on buying glasses when it costs less to just have the bottle.

but then he is an idiot so......

oh and when I worked in pubs and catering.

no one ever bought the small glass. The measure was mainly used to make a spritzer

Spinningplates10 · 31/01/2015 18:02

OP I would be furious too BUT listing off the "what ifs" will probably just get a response of nothing happened, you're overreacting etc from DH.

Assuming this is unusual behaviour from him can you try to make him understand how worried DS must have felt, how frantic you were making your way to the station?

What he did was out of order but I suppose we can all make mistakes (this was a big one!), DH acting like it was nothing major is what would have me steaming at this point

kawliga · 31/01/2015 18:03

He was not 'passed out drunk', he fell asleep on the train as many tired commuters do even without drink. He woke up and got off at the correct stop. It is not ok to fall asleep on the train (or any public place) when in charge of a child but there is no need for melodrama.

compilationmum · 31/01/2015 18:06

After three glasses and a g and t he was drunk. End of