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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to subsidise friend

108 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/01/2015 16:59

I have two very nice friends - A & B - whom I see every 6 weeks or so.

I am currently a SAHM and have a DH with a good job ( this is relevant. Not a humblebrag) but we are by no means multi-millionaires.

Friend A is going back to university to retrain. Obviously, this is going to be very expensive - particularly as she has Dc who will need full-time childcare.

The last three times that we have been out, Friend B (who is incredibly generous but probably had the least disposable income out of all of us) has said - in front of friend A - that friend B and I will pay the bill as friend A is going back to study and it will be very expensive etc. Obviously, I've said this is fine. Friend A (who can be a bit tight) as thanked us both very nicely and accepted with alacrity

As I've said, DH and I are certainly not multi-millionaires so how do I handke this going forward? We are going out next week and, actually, I don't want to split the bill again and pay for friend A. I completely understand that it is very expensive to go back to re-train and that she and her DH dont have huge amounts of disposable income. But I kind of think that's something for them to deal with.

Am I being very mean? How can I say "no" without looking terribly rude? I know I can obviously just say "no" when the bill comes but I would like to try and resolve this gracefully and without causing offence or looking like a tight arse

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 30/01/2015 20:39

Definitely not on, but be very upfront about your wishes with them both so there is clear water between you and B, who sprang this on you with no chance of preparation or discussion. So don't do the passive aggressive stuff or have only cash on you. Ring or meet up with B ahead of any more nights out and tell her you aren't going to carry this on any more, so she should know that if she offers next time she will be picking up A's bill by herself. And then say to both of them that as A will be watching the pennies for the next few years, you'll all need to look for good deals at restaurants so that you can all still go out without the burden being too much for any of you and without any of you subsidising the others long term. Make sure you suggest at least one restaurant near you and they can get a taxi home that time - or perhaps the bus to save money Wink Say all this matter of factly, so it's presented as not up for discussion.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2015 21:14

I woukd phone up friend b, and tell her tgat you will all be paying your own way from now own. You are just going to gave to bite the bullet and do it, or you will be subbing for ever more.

ilovesooty · 30/01/2015 21:22

B has been incredibly rude. Just tell her that it won't be happening again. No need for game playing or being subtle.

Stealthpolarbear · 30/01/2015 21:28

What on earth did Burke say

cozietoesie · 30/01/2015 21:37

I think Burke got the wrong thread. Twice.

Quitelikely

It's already happened three times according to the OP.

Gobbolino

I'd agree with PP. Just phone her up and say something like 'What's this with saying we'll pay for A - it really put me on the spot.'

I'm prepared to wager that she'll say ' Oh - I thought you'd want to because......' (Note the I thought.)

YNK · 30/01/2015 21:53

Tell them you feel it has created an imbalance in the relationships and changes how you value each other. Presumably this is a friendship you all enjoy, but now there is an element of making adjustments based on your life choices and it is storing up problems for when one of you makes a choice you don't agree with.

It's one thing to help someone out but as an ongoing arrangement it is going to ruin your friendships.

Charley50 · 30/01/2015 22:22

Are you a millionaire? If so, maybe just bite the bullet and pay. Otherwise YANBU. Friend B shouldn't have started this as more than a one-off and Friend B shouldn't have kept accepting it after the first time. As PP have said; she chose to go to uni, she has a DH, so she either has some money coming in or free childcare. If the family is a low income they gets tax credits, if they're not on a low income.. Well they are not on a lie income.

Charley50 · 30/01/2015 22:23

Low

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/01/2015 22:29

We are not millionaires Grin

It's not so much the money - it's the fact that someone is offering on my behalf and that the other person is accepting. I donate to various charities - but ones of my choice!

I do like both friends and I genuinely don't think there is any malice intended. But I do need to sort this out. Lots of good tips.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 30/01/2015 22:32

I know and I know how awkward it is and I agree that there is no malice intended; it's just roles/ habits that people can fall into.

Momagain1 · 30/01/2015 22:44

You dont have to claim poverty, or big savings plans.

Call up B and just say this isnt a long term habit that you want to carry on with. Most likely, A and her husband seem to have budgeted for her to continue the nights out since her return to school, otherwise, she either wouldnt be coming, or would be anfpgling for cheaper restaurants.

It is really rather rude for B to assume A can't afford it. Just as rude as assuming you wont mind subsidising A for the next few years of dinner.

Momagain1 · 30/01/2015 22:48

Angling for cheaper restaurants

It would be appropriate to discuss A's needs between you. But neither B assuming she needs help, or you and B organising cheaper options are necessary unless A says so.

Viviennemary · 30/01/2015 23:02

B was totally out of order offering to pay for the meal between you and put you right on the spot. Whatever you do both of them have to be absolutely sure you will not be subsidising the next bill. Say to friend A are you sure you can afford this meal. And to friend B not sure if A can afford this meal because I won't be paying for her meal again. I've already done it three times, but if you want to to carry on paying that's up to you. As long as they're not the types to 'forget' to bring any money or a card on the night.

MillionToOneChances · 30/01/2015 23:08

Get a Tastecard so you can all eat more cheaply, and be clear with B ahead of time that you'll be splitting the bill 3 ways from now on.

www.tastecard.co.uk/m/trial/homepagetry

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/01/2015 23:23

We do have a taste card actually....

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 31/01/2015 05:53

I don't think it is rude to think that A can't afford something, but I do think you should find a cheaper way of meeting up. When I was a broke single mother I ended up not being able to go out with my friends because I did not want to be a freeloader and I could not afford to pay.

sykadelic · 31/01/2015 14:44
  1. Talk to friend B (fellow loaner) alone and Friend A (student) may find out and feel bad that she's being talked about behind her back
  2. Talk to friend A and she may feel uncomfortable that you feel you need to tell her to pay for herself
  3. Talk to friend A and B together then A feels ganged up on

If you wait to bring it up until A has already spent more than SHE can afford herself (with her just assuming you guys will pay) then that doesn't really seem like fair warning.

I would probably go the route of not mentioning it until/unless B brings it up and saying "oh sorry no I only brought enough for myself, I might have an extra $ or something..." and if pushed... "sorry I didn't intend for helping out once in a while to turn into every time... I'm not really comfortable with it honestly".

FryOneFatManic · 31/01/2015 15:18

It's easy to appear generous at someone else's expense.

I think friend B has been very rude here.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2015 15:55

Jesus, can people really not be straight up and honest with their friends?

Friend B is rude. Friend A is a pisstaker.

And WTF, Charlie, so what if she is a millionaire? That means she should pay for others ad infinitum?

Cabrinha · 31/01/2015 16:07

I really don't get why so many people suggest stupid games that make everyone feel awkward!
Only having enough cash on you for you?
At best that'll be awkward, at worst it'll look like petty game playing and piss everyone off!

Call Friend B, tell her to stop offering on your behalf, you're not going to pay A's for 3 years. Note: not going, not can't afford to. You don't have to justify this.

Either leave it to B to make sure A knows, tell A yourself, or let B pick up 2x the cost next time. She may be happy to do that, her choice.

hamptoncourt · 31/01/2015 16:41

I agree you have to be straight here.

If you say you only brought enough for yourself, cheeky friend B will just say "that's OK, you can pay me back" Grin

Tell her you cannot keep on subbing friend A. It's none of her business why not.

minibmw2010 · 31/01/2015 16:48

You need to tell Friend B, when A isn't there, that she needs to stop spending your money for you!Hmm

cozietoesie · 31/01/2015 16:54

Out of interest, Gobbolino, do any of you see each other individually - or is it always in a threesome?

TooHasty · 31/01/2015 17:30

I put the blame entirely at the feet of friend B.Friend A probably thought you had already discussed and agreed this and did not want to seem ungrateful.
The best thing is to ask friend A to choose what you do, giving her some cheap options.Also tell friend B that you don't want to pay for friend A and that you feel it is rather patronising and she should choose something that she can comfortably afford.

AliceLidl · 31/01/2015 17:36

You are going to have to talk honestly to B.

Don't make excuses either, just keep it simple and say "I was a bit taken aback the first time, but I thought it was a one off. I felt put on the spot when it happened twice more and now it seems to be expected of me and is becoming the norm. I don't mind paying A's share once in a while but only if I've been asked in advance and it's not expected every time we go out. I can't cover her share this time."

If you need to arrange to go out to cheaper places so A can pay her share then do that. And if you arrange to go to each others houses, make it clear you will bring your share but not subsidise A.

If B suggests she bring the food and you bring the wine, and A provides nothing, say that doesn't work for you. Suggest you all bring a dish and a bottle and offer to make the starter or the dessert as your dish. That way you won't be turning up with a main course and wine and find A hasn't contributed anything because they're planning to just eat your dish.