To not want to subsidise friend

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I have two very nice friends - A & B - whom I see every 6 weeks or so.

I am currently a SAHM and have a DH with a good job ( this is relevant. Not a humblebrag) but we are by no means multi-millionaires.

Friend A is going back to university to retrain. Obviously, this is going to be very expensive - particularly as she has Dc who will need full-time childcare.

The last three times that we have been out, Friend B (who is incredibly generous but probably had the least disposable income out of all of us) has said - in front of friend A - that friend B and I will pay the bill as friend A is going back to study and it will be very expensive etc. Obviously, I've said this is fine. Friend A (who can be a bit tight) as thanked us both very nicely and accepted with alacrity

As I've said, DH and I are certainly not multi-millionaires so how do I handke this going forward? We are going out next week and, actually, I don't want to split the bill again and pay for friend A. I completely understand that it is very expensive to go back to re-train and that she and her DH dont have huge amounts of disposable income. But I kind of think that's something for them to deal with.

Am I being very mean? How can I say "no" without looking terribly rude? I know I can obviously just say "no" when the bill comes but I would like to try and resolve this gracefully and without causing offence or looking like a tight arse

[Only1scoop]

Some folk are so necky.... Does she protest?or take a note out of purse to offer?

Please tell me she bought a drink and left a tip.

[GeneHuntsMistress]

Why not say to both, shall we look at cheaper/alternative nights out now that A is studying and her income is going down, let's find a different type of night out for the next couple of years.....HINT HINT you cheeky cah

[cozietoesie]

I'd tell B that you don't want to pay any more because it's creating an unequal relationship for you - and ask her what she could suggest the three of you do that has no financial consequences.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

No - she does thank us very much but accepts right away whilst telling us that childcare will be £20k a year and telling me how lucky I am to be able to stay at home. DH says I should say that I soon won't be able to!

[OddFodd]

I would just go with 'As cash is a bit tight for you A at the moment, shall we go somewhere within your budget? Is X too pricy or should we go to Y?'

It's a bit PA but it's clear. Having said that, talking from the position of the less well off friend, you may have to accept that your 'but I like going out' position means you don't get to go out any more or only to places that aren't ones you'd like to go to. I don't ask anyone to pay for me ever but I do suggest places that are within my budget. I assume that if my friends want my company, they'll choose a venue I can afford. If they want to go somewhere really expensive, I won't go.

[Lunastarfish]

Could you just take cash and say, 'sorry, I only have £30 on me, forgot card'?

[Stealthpolarbear]

Who does she think is paying for you to stay home
You and your dh are!

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Oh no - I'm happy to stay in and always let A and B decide where we are going. Usually we end up going to places they can walk to and I have to get a taxi (which I just accept). What I'm not happy to do is to stay in and pay for the alcohol and food.

That's a v good idea about saying I have just brought cash. Actually, it's excellent as I could legitimately say in front of B that I dont have enough to sub her and that might break the cycle.....

[Dizzywizz]

I find it bye rude that your friend said you would share the bill without consulting with you. I would contact friend b well in advance of your next meeting and say you cannot do this again. I would be so pissed off if someone did this to me, but can understand in the moment it was very hard to refuse.

[Teeb]

The issue is with friend B making offers on your behalf. I don't think you should be making decisions for friend b either by announcing that A will pay for her own meal, if B chooses to pay wholly for her meal. Have a brief conversation with B before hand privately.

[ChinaTeaSet]

Friend B (who is incredibly generous but probably had the least disposable income out of all of us) has said - in front of friend A - that friend B and I will pay the bill as friend A is going back to study and it will be very expensive etc. Obviously, I've said this is fine.

This is where you should have said, "Eh? This is the first I've heard of it" and then made it clear that it was only for this one time and would not be a regular occurrence.

As it is a precedent has been set as it's happened 3 times and you need to tell friend B that you cannot afford to be subsidising Friend A at all.

[rookiemere]

It's incredibly rude of Friend B to spend money on your behalf - it doesn't matter if you were a billionaire.

I also find it quite rude that your DF would say that you are lucky to be a SAHM and talk about the price of her childcare. It was her choice to retrain to increase her future prospects and she needs to own that decision not envy others.

I would definitely speak to Friend B before the next one. You could phrase it "I notice that you have offered that we pay for Friend B the last couple of times we went out. I'd rather we didn't do that going forward ( you could blame your DH for this if you wanted, but he may be labelled as a financial controller so up to you to decide) so do you think we should go to "Cheap and Cheerful" next time or stick to "Chez Fancy?"

That way the awkward bit is in the middle and at the end you're just asking her to make a choice about restaurants.

If she says "Oh lets stick to chez fancy" then you reply "Ok do you think we should check with Friend A to make sure it's in her price budget."

[Oldraver]

So A has put herself in the same position as you ie one wage coming in but for some reason expects to be subbed ?

When you became a SAHM did they decide to sub you ?

[rookiemere]

Bit of a crosspost with you OP.

Yes bringing cash is a good idea and to set the idea of permance around everyone paying for their own you could say "DH and I have been going through money like water so we've decided to use cash and keep a budget so we're a bit more disciplined" or something like that.

Also you need to be a bit assertive. I think they assume because you always do what they choose, then you'll continue to do so. Next time suggest that they meet at a restaurant that's near you, I'm sure the change will be good for all.

[yumyumpoppycat]

I think the more subtle routes are best ie we need to go somewhere cheaper now . Also you should put your foot down about the taxi while you are at it, it is giving the impression you have more money than them and its not an issue. I also agree that this was fine as a one off but not ongoing, friend a should treat you to a home cooked meal at her house to say thanks really.

[FightOrFlight]

Speak to friend B and say you cannot afford to do this anymore.

Tell friend A that they just need to pay for what they have eaten/drunk rather than splitting 3 ways. She can then budget for her own meal.

[Misseuropadiscodancer]

I went back to uni to study last Sept. There is no way I would expect any friend to subsidise my nights out because of my choices.

Don't feel bad about saying no, I think it's cheeky of friend A to accept you paying for her on that basis and rude of friend B to make the offer without consulting you first.

[Sister77]

Hi op, go but as a pp
Says only take cash enough for your meal.
Do this regularly and never make excuses or apologise. If B wants to treat A thats up to her but she can't decide your finances for you unless you let her.
Sounds like a very unequal friendship to me!

[coppertop]

"Friend B is lovely and very generous"

It's easy to be generous with someone else's money.

[Viviennemary]

I think it's quite bad manners to put somebody in the position that they have to pay for someone else no matter how rich they are. It's just simply not done. But I absolutely agree that it can't go on any further. I'd be tempted to say shall we choose a budget place since A is studying and won't afford anything expensive.

[ImperialBlether]

She has taken on a university course which will cost her £400 childcare for every week of the year? Do you believe that?

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Yes - agree re: taxi. I think it's created a misapprehension.

I've never talked about money to them but I used to work as a more senior version of what friend A's husband does. Unfortunately DH job is something that people seem to say "ooooh, I've never met a poor x before" (there are plenty!!) when they find out what he does. I think the fact that I've not gone back to work (I did have two DCs in two years!) - albeit mainly because my job is really not family friendly - means that they assume that we have the disposable income to sub Friend A.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I think it will imperial considering the age and number of her DC and the fact that she will need full time care for them. but I'm not sure....