To not want to subsidise friend

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I have two very nice friends - A & B - whom I see every 6 weeks or so.

I am currently a SAHM and have a DH with a good job ( this is relevant. Not a humblebrag) but we are by no means multi-millionaires.

Friend A is going back to university to retrain. Obviously, this is going to be very expensive - particularly as she has Dc who will need full-time childcare.

The last three times that we have been out, Friend B (who is incredibly generous but probably had the least disposable income out of all of us) has said - in front of friend A - that friend B and I will pay the bill as friend A is going back to study and it will be very expensive etc. Obviously, I've said this is fine. Friend A (who can be a bit tight) as thanked us both very nicely and accepted with alacrity

As I've said, DH and I are certainly not multi-millionaires so how do I handke this going forward? We are going out next week and, actually, I don't want to split the bill again and pay for friend A. I completely understand that it is very expensive to go back to re-train and that she and her DH dont have huge amounts of disposable income. But I kind of think that's something for them to deal with.

Am I being very mean? How can I say "no" without looking terribly rude? I know I can obviously just say "no" when the bill comes but I would like to try and resolve this gracefully and without causing offence or looking like a tight arse

FFS, Friend B is a cow and Friend A is a tight mare for accepting such an 'offer'. TBH I would be quite fucked off with both of them. Friend B is presumptuous and Friend A is a pisstaker.

Why do you need to lie and make excuses?

They are supposed to be friends, not people you need to hide from like a naughty child.

What imnotfussed and mickie wrote.

Ring Friend B, 'This sounds fun, looking forward to it, but we will not pay for Friend A anymore. Please don't suggest it.'

It doesn't matter what your respective incomes (and outgoings) are, your lovely and generous friend shouldn't be offering for you two to sub your student pal without consulting you first.

You should have probably said something before it got to 3 times though.

Have a quiet word with friend b before next night out.

Yes, after the second time you could have quietly said to B as you were leaving the restaurant, "What the hell are you doing? I'm not doing that every time we go out!"

I think the thing that would grate, for me, is the fact that A is known to be tight.

A is at fault for accepting, once okay but three times! B shouldn't have spoke for you but sounds like her heart was in the right place. Its not easy to just say no though. How awkward for you op. Just say you didn't think to bring extra money and can't sub her next time you are out.

As usual, expat nails it :o

And just looking at your OP - B is the one being terribly rude. Not you

You are at fault here. Why didn't you object to subbing A on the 2nd occasion B suggested it? Why do you accept paying for a taxi whilst your 'friends' walk to where you are meeting?

You can only be used/treated badly if you allow it.

So who should be paying for the meal, burke1 ?!

I'd be really annoyed with Friend B. Friend A could say no I suppose but technically she hasn't done anything wrong. I wouldn't dream of being that generous with someone else's money. How does she know you haven't just had a massive bill and are down to your last few quid.

Never has a name seemed so apt, Burke!

I think friend B is much worse than friend A. If she wants to sub friend A then she can but assuming you will because she has decided you will is so rude. It would have been impossible to say no the first time as well. Friend A probably thinks you discussed it beforehand. I suggest you wait until the bill comes and then say 'friend b will take care of this for everyone'. When she queries it I would say I thought it was fining offering other people's money out.
Well really I would just not go out with friend b again.

...How does she know you haven't just had a massive bill and are down to your last few quid....

She doesn't - and neither, as it's happened three times without consultation, does she appear to care much. She's too busy enjoying her generosity and A is too busy enjoying being looked after by someone - anyone - to care much either.

The pair of them sound quite unhealthy to me and I'd be reassessing my friendship with both of them. Friendships don't have to endure when circumstances and people change and it sounds rather as if the OP has become wallpaper in this one.

Who references the daily mail as evidence?!

Wow!.... If I waa friend A I would just accept that I can't go out very much over the next year or so. She is very cheeky!

This. But other friend is really taking the piss. What are you going to do?

I don't think they're necessarily really nasty friends. Friend B is generous and a bit thoughtless, and Friend A is clearly tight - but some people are like that and in other ways lovely.
I'd just phone B and say please can we not pay for A this time, I didn't mind doing it a few times but can't go on indefinitely. I'm sure she'll be fine with this - well, what choice does she have? But personally I wouldn't bother falling out over what's already happened (unless you dislike them for other reasons).

I am weak when it comes to things like this.
So I would probs have a moan at friend b saying that you are having money issues and can't come out as you can afford to pay for one and a half people. She may then say , don't worry about it I will get the bill.

I would be honest with B, you don't need to say you are saving for anything if B starts saying you have enough money just remind her that it wasn't her place to volunteer you and you felt too put on the spot to argue.

I'm surprised A accepted three times! She is taking the mickey too. Once maybe as a grateful treat but three times- she's being cheeky not even to offer to pay.

I would tell B straight then tell A you'll be splitting three ways in advance so she doesn't forget her money or something.

Next time you need to stand up and say first off though. Something like 'yes this time is our treat, next time we'll split it' rather then nod along and agree.

I would say to friend A "I know last time we treated you and I know you are studying so don't feel you need to treat one of us tonight. Let's just all pay for ourselves." and smile.

If B raises it again just say "me and A have chatted about it and agree to pay for ourselves"

Agree with everyone else. Yanbu. This should only have been a one off and even then B should never have told you it was going to happen in the way she did. To prevent awkwardness on the night I'd speak to B beforehand as suggested and talk about reasonably priced places you can all afford adding "I'm obviously not happy to pay for A for the duration of her degree"!

I totally misread your post and thought Friend B was offering to pay the bill on your behalf for Friend A's childcare and/or studies. Which would be totally unreasonable!!! However, it makes splitting a lunch bill look far more reasonable. depending on how often it was and the sort of places you were eating, I think I would do it. The real issue is Friend B not speaking to you about it first.

Can't you send a group text saying that you know A is at university and may be short of funds for the next couple of years, so maybe instead of going out to dinner, you should do something different-say you know you couldn't afford to eat out when you were a student-blah blah.

Why don't you suggest taking it in turns to host at your own houses and that person will cook/supply wine. Nobody brings anything-just whoever' turn it is covers what's needed.

You said you aren't a multi millionaire but are you a millionaire?

I think you're a tad tight but I'm generous so I would say that! There's no better feeling than when you have helped someone out.

I think it's right though that this choice comes from you though. It clearly doesn't and you're friend is mistakenly assuming you're as generous as her!

Don't say anything to friend A she is blameless. I'm sure her pride will stop her from allowing it a third time!

The thing is that everyone wants to be generous to someone who's generous, but feel they don't want to be generous to someone who's tight.