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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for being embarrassed of my home?

45 replies

mamafridi · 30/01/2015 12:38

I moved to an affluent area just over a year ago, where the average home is probably worth 600k or more. I live in a small flat that's nowhere close in price or size to some of the places here. My dd is at nursery and we go do play dates which are in these amazing magazine type houses and I'm just paralysed with shame about our home.
AIBU to think that these mums would be embarrassed to be in my home? I ask because on 2 occasions now when I have returned the play date offer afterwards these mums have kind of cold shouldered me.

I have made some new acquaintances and now it's my turn to do the dreaded play date and I'm wondering whether I will see them again after they see where I live.
By the way my home is clean, it's just minuscule.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/01/2015 12:40

Could you maybe see it as a vetting system to weed out the knobs?

AmarettoSour · 30/01/2015 12:41

YANBU to feel that way but YABU to care what the snobby cows think. Would you really want to be friends with someone who judges you because you don't live in a mansion?

googlenut · 30/01/2015 12:41

What gamer said

Wantsunshine · 30/01/2015 12:43

It is horrible to feel like that. I am sure most people don't care but that doesn't matter if it bothers you. If you want to return a play date you could offer to pick their child from nursery and take to the park or something and not go to yours. Probably a bad idea in this weather though.

Don't let it put you off inviting people.

Original poster
mamafridi · 30/01/2015 12:45

No I wouldn't normally care. Never have. What bothers me is when my dd asks for so and so to come over to play again but her mum has stopped conversing with me.

I have got to the stage now wher I dread going to the nursery for fear that I'll be once again confronted with my daughter asking me why she doesn't see some of her friends out of school. And I feel sick at the thought of another lot of cold shoulders to deal with.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 30/01/2015 12:47

Most people don't care and the ones that do aren't worth your time....play dates at home are overrated anyway...its horrid watching other people's children make a mess if your house!! Meet in the park instead.

Dowser · 30/01/2015 12:48

And are all these women really happy I their affluent lifestyles, or is it all top show?

Have your play date. Be warm, welcoming and friendly. The ones who return the favour or want to come again maybe the ones who want your friendship too.

Be sure you are not just putting your value judgements on them.

I was raised in a council house and after winning a place at grammar school I was invited to the 'big posh ' home of my new friend.

The home was lovely but her mother was toe curlingly embarrassing ordering her daughter around like a servant in downton abbey.

She never did come tomy house but she would havebeen welcomed with warmth and friendliness by my own mother.

The girl also ended up with a funny sort of facial twitch and when I saw her with her daughters she was behaving very much like her mother. Poor things.

Oldraver · 30/01/2015 12:49

I agree with Gamer....I always gauge the reaction if or when I reveal any circumstances of my life and use this to file people in KNOB or OK.

It can be amusing to see peoples reaction to revealing you'r a single Mum who isnt working

Stormingateacup · 30/01/2015 12:51

I live in what you might call a big house and couldn't give a flying fuck where other people live, I care if they're nice or not and if our kids are friends.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/01/2015 12:53

mamafridi I've been in your situation, and the people that you will want to be friends won't care one way or another.

(ie: gamerchick has the right idea)

ohbollocks2u · 30/01/2015 12:58

Never be embarrassed , it's their failing if they are so shallow

It's actually laughable as these people will go through life forever competing and never having true friends

Fuck them

Anewmeanewname · 30/01/2015 13:01

Gamer is right, and this works both ways -I moved from a smallish house to a very large one and some people really changed in their attitude towards me. People can be incredibly shallow

KnittedJimmyChoos · 30/01/2015 13:03

AIBU to think that these mums would be embarrassed to be in my home?

I am sure many of these mums have come from a small home too, and wouldnt care less.

People are odd, just be yourself and keep ploughing on, smile be friendly.

The problem is maybe they have though " urrghhh, " but maybe they just had a bad day....felt ill, and your matching that up with your sensitivity about your home...

bloodygorgeous · 30/01/2015 13:07

Can't believe people are actually like this!? Maybe it's your paranoia or am I horribly naive?

I live in affluent central London location but many people I know live in small flats. Have never, ever given it a thought or given a shit either way, honestly.

Hold your head up high and be proud of your lovely (clean Wink) home!

bloodygorgeous · 30/01/2015 13:09

Ooh actually a friend of a friend of mine has upgraded her circle of 'friends' with each upgrade of her home.

My friend says she literally ditches each previous seret as she gets richer. They are now filthy rich and she boasts of knowing some celebrities and politicians and having them to dinner.

What a dick! And who could possibly be arsed?

mrscumberbatch · 30/01/2015 13:09

We are lucky enough to live in a biggish house but I would be mortified if somebody thought I was snubbing them because of the size of their house.

In fact, I have had friendships that have petered out because there was never any return invitation and it made me feel shite.

bloodygorgeous · 30/01/2015 13:09

Set, not seret which is a made up word.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 30/01/2015 13:10

If they were embarrassed to be in your home they wouldn't be worth being friends with anyway.

In reality though I don't think people really think like that (generally). We live in an affluent area and are by far the 'poorest' of the group. The others live in very large homes that they own on lovely streets, we rent a small, shabby 2 bed terrace with students living either side. None of them have ever seemed embarrassed to come round and always come when invited.

Littleloony · 30/01/2015 13:13

I have a friend who lives in a huge house, tennis court etc - her little boy came to play at my very modest semi - she complemented my fireplace tiles and my kitchen, was really genuine. She is now a friend for life! Anyone who judges you based on where you live isn't worth having as a friend imo.

Don't worry about it - invite play dates round, be warm & welcoming - it's a good way to sort the wheat from the chaff!!

Ememem84 · 30/01/2015 13:14

Agree, use this as a vetting system. The knobbers aren't worth it.

I assume that although you technically live in a flat, it isn't just a flat. It's a home. I know loads of people with massive show style houses. But they're not homes. There's no love.No warmth. That's what's important.

namechange2468 · 30/01/2015 13:15

Our house is biggish, but I absolutely love going to other people's houses, as I am a complete slattern and don't do much cleaning or tidying! If I am honest, I'm actually slightly embarrassed about living in a larger-than-average house - I would hate people to think I am a snob.

If anyone has a problem with your flat, they are definitely not people you would want as friends.

TinyTear · 30/01/2015 13:16

what gamer says...

My 3yo goes to an independent pre-prep (because it is the only blooming place that opens at 7h45 and isn't only term time nearby) and we have been to all class birthday parties and seen houses of class mates that make me feel like a student (I am 41 and we live in a flat in an affluent area as well)

But fortunately we have been lucky with some of the parents... some are lovely and down to earth and don't care about where we live...

We just had a birthday party at home, only invited 6 children and it was quite lovely, really nice parents too...

But i know what you mean... I would say just keep on being yourself and you will find someone your kids and you click with...

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2015 13:19

I made a new Mum friend who never invited me round but had been to my house a few times. DD went to her house for tea and I said I would collect her, she wanted to bring DD home but I insisted I would collect as I didn't feel it was fair .
Friend got upset and confessed that she was worried about me seeing their flat as they lived above the business and my house was lovely ( it's not, I'm not so great with the cleaning and tidying)
I was quite insulted that she thought I was such a raging snob that I would actually give a shit to be honest more than anything.
For the record her flat is really nice and I'm sure yours is too OP!!!

SuisseRomandeMaman · 30/01/2015 13:21

I do think that upgrading to a bigger house does get you new friends. A lot of people are interested in people that have money, perhaps a combination of curiousity and social climbing.

OP i know 1 woman who would be as you described and 30 who wouldn't. The one woman would be the social climber. Ignore her, she isn't worth it. She probably has a fecking massive mortgage on her big house, size means everything to her.

FinallyHere · 30/01/2015 13:21

Please don't hesitate to invite people you like, to your home. Its very sad, makes people think that you don't like them. xx