Aibu for being embarrassed of my home?

[mamafridi]

I moved to an affluent area just over a year ago, where the average home is probably worth 600k or more. I live in a small flat that's nowhere close in price or size to some of the places here. My dd is at nursery and we go do play dates which are in these amazing magazine type houses and I'm just paralysed with shame about our home.
AIBU to think that these mums would be embarrassed to be in my home? I ask because on 2 occasions now when I have returned the play date offer afterwards these mums have kind of cold shouldered me.

I have made some new acquaintances and now it's my turn to do the dreaded play date and I'm wondering whether I will see them again after they see where I live.
By the way my home is clean, it's just minuscule.

Thanks everyone!

I was losing perspective completely especially as where I live is quite villagey it's in a bubble sort of and now I try to get out to the nearest town as often as I can just to avoid the situation. It's ridiculous, I have been keeping myself to myself since those snubs but I never thought that some mums might take my non returns of play dates as equal snubs or even be offended because of my personal lack of self confidence.

I'm going to try and build back some confidence after having read all your great opinions and be myself. X

OP I am in your situation, living in a very small housing coop flat surrounded by big houses. I am terrified of playdates for fear of embarrassment so reading the responses with interests.

It might be tough now when parents decide on playdates etc, but I bet things will be different when your children are older. One of my best friends parents are a bit hippyish and when we were younger she used to feel embarrassed because their house etc was so different to everyone else's - but we all loved going there (and still do!) because her parents were so welcoming & we had so much fun there. Yes, I suppose it was a bit scruffy compared to our homes, but if anything I think we were all jealous of her!

You do have my sympathy OP - very similar scenario here, we rent a tiny flat in a ridiculously expensive area. Many of DDs friends live in houses worth over a million. I used to feel embarrassed but honestly, the children don't notice and any parent who does - and cares - is a twat.

I live in a flat surrounded by million pound houses. I feel a bit similar but recognise it is my issue as haven't felt the cold shoulder element.
I do remember making someone feel awkward when they were telling me that they really wanted a detached house when they lived in a (massive) semi. She thought I lived in a detached and there was an uncomfortable pause when I said we were in a flat (a detached conversion hence her confusion)

I live in a biggish house, if you give me coffee and cake I couldn't care if you live in a studio flat above a curry house. Really... I'm sure most people who live in biggish houses don't judge people who live in smaller / council houses.

gamer has the right idea.

I do completely understand where you are coming from though. I also live in a flat and have had the experience of people subtly withdrawing when they realize I'm not quite in the same income bracket - it does sting, but it is their problem and a measure of their values. (Totally understand re DD wanting to have the child over again though - it is awkward).

But I do have friends on six figure salaries in 600K houses - some people genuinely don't care. I personally don't care either, and have friends much poorer and much richer - rich tapestry of life and all that.

I was the same but realised that the fancy scmancy homes were either of parents who both worked their arses off and never saw their kids, or the uber wealthy hubbies with either trade-up wives and second famies (much younger wives and children from second or third marriages), or scary moms who spend all day doing bigger all and moaning their faces off about the hired help/how crap London is compared to Paris or New York etc. These mums would hit 40 and discover jogging, spas and weird diets. There are also plenty who live on company relcations/expenses and think they are gods gift...

It doesn't really matter. If you are a nice, friendly mum who makes fab cupcakes, the rest is mere detail...

I live in a similar area, west London. There's a real mix of people at my kids' school, but with a good proportion in houses that are worth well over a million pounds. I live in a a middling sized property. I have felt like you in the past, and inwardly cringed as I stood on yet another doorstep of a palatial property to pick up my DC, knowing that I have to invite the other child back to ours . . . but over the couple of years my DC have been at school (DS in YR2 and DD in reception) two things have become very apparent:

• it is decreasingly important what parents think as the DC get a little older, and increasingly important where kids want to go. My DS is most keen to go to two friends who both live in really small, slightly shabby properties, because he gets a warm welcome, they have fun, he likes the boys there. If you create a warm, fun environment then I'm sure that kids will want to come over.
• size of house is only one type of 'cachet'. Having well behaved, kind, and cheerful kids also becomes very desirable I've noticed. This might not be what's first noticed, particularly in nursery, but you get to school and you get past the initial jostling for position in which house size might be a factor, and quickly people realise that they want their kids to hang out with other kids who are cheerful, kind, and well mannered. Certainly that's what I've noticed.

Hold your head up high OP, have courage and invite people round and have fun with them and encourage your DD to behave well and it will reaps rewards.

I live in a ridiculously large house. 5 years old shiny & whatever, I honestly would not blink an eye at anyone elses living space unless they had loads of snakes or something like that ad on TV where the fellow does a runner. Anyone who does is a prat. And might I add dc who pass comment as your dd grows up are not well brought up children.

I've had the same experience as Mrs Cumberbatch. So YABU as a home is a home is a home, but if it will make you stressed then just invite anyone nice to do something out of the house instead.

Well said wingsandatrings. It is similar here in NIreland, there is a good mix of backgrounds (maybe not religiously but hey ho thats a whole different discussion) at my dc school. Their friends range from the ones who live on a council estate to the one who lives on the family estate. The only thing my dc ever comment on is whose mum gives out the best biscuits.

What a sensible post Wings!

I'm not sure that the OP is being entirely paranoid - we have had this as we live in a maisonette rather than a house in a snobby smart area of SW London. I know that a couple of mothers have been very alarmed that their children have had to slum it at ours. What's really galling is when the children themselves say all agog: "Wow, you all live here?" in tones of amazement. (I wouldn't mind but it has four double bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room and a kitchen-diner ).

I live in an affluent area in a nice house. My child goes to nursery in a place where there are very many loaded parents and a few not so loaded.

I couldn't care less who his friends are or where they live as long as they are kind to my boy.

I grew up in a huge family with zero money. People might assume I didn't.

The nice people will not care how much mine you have OP, or about the size of your flat. Bollocks to the snobs, is what I say.

I used to live in a fairly affluent slightly suburban part of London. DC were at local primary school and we mixed with all sorts - from the lawyer/doctor families in their million-pound mansions to asylum seeker single parent mum who slept in bunk bed with her son. We were somewhere in the middle. No-one ever judged anyone. It was lovely. Kids were certainly unaware of any social differences and all got on well together. Now live in country and it's much less cosmopolitan.

We also live in a tiny flat. So I'm interested in the replies. Thankfully, we don't have playdates yet (DS' s are too young) but I can see a time approaching when they want to invite friends around. I would be mortified to have anyone come to our flat. It's bad enough the midwife and HV coming. Our flat is horrendous, totally cramped and completely unsuitable for a family but we can't afford to move and don't want to sell and rent so we're stuck with it for the forseeable.

Nobody worth knowing cares about the size of your house/flat. I have a friend whose home is worth 6x what mine is. She's really nice. I also have another friend whose whole family is squashed into a 1 bed flat, she is also really nice. Her main problem is actually her husband's attitude - he buys designer clothes and posh stuff so people think they're richer than they are.

gamerchick I love you! (what she said!)

I live in a small village consisting of a large council scheme and a large estate full of huge executive new builds. There are a few who won't mix and clearly are snobs but to be honest most people chat away and mix fine. I agree that people who judge on where you live are not worth knowing.