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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want these people to shut up and get over it?

41 replies

YouKnowNothingRickGrimes · 30/01/2015 12:26

Ok bit extreme but gahhh. I am 25 years old and have a 4 year old and 11 month old. Happily married to my husband who is also 25 for 3 years. I started a new job in November which is a predominantly female environment and there is a mix of ages from 18 to almost 70. Obviously when you're a newbie everyone asks about you and I have been more than happy to follow and tell them about my husband and children and each time they have been amazed and astonished that my life is like this and I am not single and partying without a care in the world as they had assumed. Fast forward to now and these women STILL inform me of how mad it is that I have a husband and children if I ever decide to input into a conversation with my experiences. Seriously EVERY time. And EVERY person. Am I living in some dream land where I am honestly the only person in this situation or are these women just stupid?

OP posts:
rocketnot · 30/01/2015 12:36

Not unusual. By next year I will be 25 married with two kids.

NomDePlumeRidesAgain · 30/01/2015 12:40

You aren't a freak but you're also not the statiscal norm these days either. Just nod and smile.

NomDePlumeRidesAgain · 30/01/2015 12:44

ONS says av age for women giving birth for first time is 29.8

NomDePlumeRidesAgain · 30/01/2015 12:45

(Just before anyone leaps on me for saying "statistical" without providing any figures!)

NomDePlumeRidesAgain · 30/01/2015 12:48

ONS stats in this article

Of course none of that implies that your choices are wrong.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 30/01/2015 12:48

Well yes maybe it is unusual but it's still ridiculous to keep going on about it after 2 months.

You could go with the somewhat twee "Well it's a good thing everyone's different" or you could be a bit more ruthless and say "Well I really didn't want to be an old Mum like you lot" and see where it gets you!

fattymammy · 30/01/2015 12:50

I got married at 20 had mortgage and first planned very much child at 21 my husband is 7 years older than me and was divorced . 23 years down the line and with 2 ds we are still very happy but I do know what you mean even now when people ask about us they still come out with the same rubbish my answer is /was we were married not dead you can still have a life do things so long as you are happy with your life congratulations to you and your husband for having your life in order .

ISolemnlySwearImUptoNoGood · 30/01/2015 12:54

You're not a freak and you're not alone.

I'm 26 and happily married with 4 children, currently expecting number 5. I suppose, from my year group, I am a minority. But who cares? I'm happy. And so are you.

Just humor these silly people with a smile and brush it off.

Thumbwitch · 30/01/2015 12:55

YANBU, they really should have got over it by now!
It is a bit unusual for this day and age, but it's not that strange!

I don't know how best to handle it except maybe pre-empt their "surprise" by saying "yes, I'm still 25, still married, still got 2 DC, still very happy about it thank you, no I'm not missing out this is my life and I like it" all in one breath - take the wind out of their sails. They'll soon shut up.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 30/01/2015 12:56

Well an average is just that and there are a lot of women who marry and have kids below the average.

I was 25 when I got married (kids later) but people do comment on what a baby I was to get married etc etc. I just ignore it tbh - and I've been married for ten years so don't expect it to stop anytime soon!!

NomDePlumeRidesAgain · 30/01/2015 12:58

If you are older people will judge you as being a selfish pig or assume you need / had IVF/assisted conception.

If you get divorced people judge you

If you are a single parent by choice you get poked with the judgy stick

If you choose not to have kids at all you are subjected to selfish/child hating/unnatural judgements or it is assumed you are "barren" and pitying looks are bestowed upon you, or if you are struggling to conceive it is assumed you selfishly don't want kids.

Basically, it doesn't matter what you do at what stage of life there will always be someone there to poke their nose in.

NomDePlumeRidesAgain · 30/01/2015 13:01

Fwiw, I got married at 21 (it wasn't "normal" then either) so I know what it's like. I'm just offering another viewpoint now I'm a bit (ahem) older than that.

littlesupersparks · 30/01/2015 13:02

I got pregnant aged 26 and people seemed to think I was mental!!! I thought that was kind of late to be honest :-/ I will be having 3rd and 4th this year and I know there will be comments about having 4 kids by age 32. My husband enjoys it as he looks young for his age and he likes shocking people lol. Everyone's different. I like the fact all my kids will be getting more independent by the time I'm 35 :-)

sixandtwothrees · 30/01/2015 13:08

YANBU, I dunno why they can't just let you be and stop trying to put you in their own predefined box for you, it must be very annoying. Are they trying to get you to go out drinking with them or something?

I had two by 25 and was married (am not any more tho!)

Nobody said that shit to me (although I worked in a very male environment and then was at uni, so different social groups I guess) but there was often lots of surprise and people could never place my age - either assumed me to be older due to kids or younger due to being at uni depending on context.

It doesn't really matter if it's unusual or not the point is exactly what NomDePlume said - people judge you whatever you do.

Don't feel like you have to justify your life to these people. There will be someone there you you can just talk to on a normal, mutually accepting level it just takes a while to find them sometimes.

wickedlazy · 30/01/2015 13:10

I get this too. 22 with a 4 year old, and dp who I hope will pop the question soon (he has hinted it will be late this year or next). It's bloody frustrating. I didn't choose to get pregnant (birth control fail). But I did choose to have my wonderful ds and I wouldn't go back and change getting pregnant and having ds for all the tea in china. And Shock I'm PLANNING to have another next year!

After 2 months, I think you're entitled to be blunt or rude in response to these comments. Maybe just a brisk "actually that's non of your business" would put then off asking.

Don't let it get to you. If you're happy then that's all that matters.

wickedlazy · 30/01/2015 13:13

*Am planning to ttc next year

MrsRayOfSunshine · 30/01/2015 13:20

Yanbu! I'm 24, married and have two children and have had comments like this, but always seem more disbelieving about the married part and not the kids part... Just shows this generation is a lot different

littlepeas · 30/01/2015 13:23

I got married at 24 and had my first dc at 26. I am now 32 with 6, 5 and 3 year olds and am constantly told I look too young to have 3 children (I don't look especially young for my age). I live in an area where I really am a bit of an anomaly - most of the mums at the school gate had their dc in their mid-late thirties and are now in their forties. My dh is 5 years older than me, but even he is younger than the majority of the other parents! I had a phase where I got fed up with all the comments about my age, but I just shrug it off now - I will have tweens/teens when I am 40 and will be well past the mopping up poo stage! I like a quiet life tbh and it suited me to settle down at a young age.

Theoretician · 30/01/2015 13:55

Early to mid-twenties is when women should be having children, from a biological point of view. Something has gone wrong with the structure of society for families to be starting so much later now.

Thumbwitch · 30/01/2015 14:54

Well that's a REALLY pleasant viewpoint you have there, Theoretician Hmm

Toooldtobearsed · 30/01/2015 14:58

Just smile and say ' I know, aren't I lucky? I willstill be young enough to enjoy life when they are all grown up'!

My two are late twenties/early thirties now, when my first was born I was 23 and considered to be an older mum. How times change!

SoonToBeMrsB · 30/01/2015 14:58

It's quite uncommon but I don't see why people would keep going on about it! I'm 24 and I'm getting married next summer. People should just keep their noses out and get on with their own lives.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 30/01/2015 15:09

I'm 40. When collecting my 4 year old I quite often am wearing clothes older than a fair number of other parents there. I have had to explain that I'm not his grandmother a couple of times. Eveyone is different, just give them a whithering look and say "oh, I outgrew that kind of thing when I was 19"

ImCatbug · 30/01/2015 15:18

I got married a year ago at 21, when people find out I'm married they are always shocked and some don't believe me (I look younger than I am). It got old very quickly, now I just want people to stop. Yes, I'm in my early 20s, yes I'm married, what of it? It's none of their business and people should stop commenting.