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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say "I am never giving present lists to again"?

115 replies

chimneybee · 30/01/2015 12:25

Members of our family have asked what DS wants for birthday. I have told them what he wants, gifts are uncontroversial and inexpensive and he hasn't asked for a lot for his birthday just identified a few things he really wants. His birthday is in a couple of days and I've found out that some people have either bought something else or haven't got round to buying them yet. DS will be really disappointed if he doesn't get these things, as I said he's not asked for much but these were important to him. If I'd have known this I would have bought them myself, DH said BIL will buy him what I said he wanted but it's likely he won't give it to him for another month when we next see him. I feel annoyed with myself as the same thing happened at Christmas and I should have learnt from that, I'm not trying to dictate what they buy DS but they had asked what to get him, why do that if you then ignore it or it means that he won't get something he's been desperate for a month or so?

OP posts:

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/01/2015 01:01

PJ - I certainly haven't asked for 22 years in a row - last time I asked was probably 5/6 years ago and was given expensive suggestions. This time, since DN has just moved into a flat, I asked SIL for ideas and was given a bag! I still have the bag incidentally. I bought her some wine glasses after asking her directly for ideas. Live and learn.

notnaice · 31/01/2015 09:32

black perhaps it is because you give inexpensive ideas that is the problem. They may be thinking "that isn't enough. I need to spend more" Perhaps you are not grabby enough

But yes, it's pointless and annoying to ask but then ignore your suggestions.

Notso · 31/01/2015 10:27

The bag thing is very rude what. that you still have the bag!
However if you have a child who is into Lego for example and has been for a while the chances are they will have a lot of the reasonably priced sets already, so perhaps they are being more specific to avoid duplicates.
I tend to do this with DS1 who's only real interests have been books and Lego for about 5 years now. I don't say anything over £20 for GP's or £10-£15 for anyone else. I try and judge people's budget from previous gifts IYSWIM.

RocketInMyPocket · 31/01/2015 10:31

whattodo, I'm probably being really really thick here, but why did they give you a bag??

notnaice · 31/01/2015 10:36

what Agree the bag thing is very rude. Why did you accept the bag in the first place if you weren't going to give it? I'd be very peed off if I was your relative, although I agree they shouldn't have given it to you in the first place. You've not done much to help family relationships though.

Why ask for suggestions in the first place and why take the bag if you didn't want to give it? You are in the wrong there.

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/01/2015 12:56

Tbh I was startled that she thought that giving me the bag was a solution - I'd just casually asked for ideas and she tootled off and came back, thrusting a carrier bag at me. I was momentarily lost for words unlike me.

Of course I'll give it back with a suitable explanation. We're all getting on fine - no disruption at all.

I like giving surprises, but thought bits and bobs for a new flat would be a good idea, the bag threw me completely, so when I asked DN herself, I was pleased at the genuine suggestions she gave me.

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/01/2015 12:57

Complete hijack here - sorry pps.

PJ2000 · 31/01/2015 13:12

I would be fucked off too that you took the bag and then smugly bought something else. Her mother must be bewildered as to where that bag has gone.

Did you honestly need suggestions what to buy a young girl for her new flat?

Floggingmolly · 31/01/2015 13:16

TBH, op, especially since you say he "didn't ask for much", you should have really got those things for him yourself. Everything else is just gravy.

RolandRatRocks · 31/01/2015 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/01/2015 13:37

PJ - I expect she's surprised, but I very much doubt she's wondering where the bag's got to. I think our relationship will survive this turmoil.

No, I could have gone into Next and bought fluffy cushions or a throw or a picture, which she would have politely accepted and not been particularly keen on, but actually I bought her wine glasses which she wanted. Win, win.

Btw, she's an interior designer, so I could easily have gone wrong.

Thank God, no toys thrown out of pram

RolandRatRocks · 31/01/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PJ2000 · 31/01/2015 13:46

You have that air about you whats that we are all idiots. Interior designer or not - what has that got to do with picking up something for a new flat? There is more than fluffy cushions and throws, like wine glasses - hardly a crazy off the wall idea, could you not have thought of that yourself? Would it have mattered if she already had some? Not really.

I agree I hate lists but I equally hate people who ask then don't like the answer. Use your initiative. You sound like you think you are smart enough.

cleoteacher · 31/01/2015 13:47

My MIL does this everytime and it really annoys me. Why ask if you're going to totally ignore it! I am grateful for a gift for my ds but why bother getting me to spend time and effort compiling a list and finding links only to ignore it?

I don't bother now when she asks and just mention a couple of things we might need and go away knowing she may/may not get them. It makes is frustrating though as sometimes it makes me um and ah about getting it myself for him incase she does get it. So in the end I just casually say nearer the time that I am getting ds x if she was thinking of getting it. Ds is not at the age where he has any idea about that kind of thing but even when he is I will probably just ask him what he might want without committing to it.

slightlyworriednc · 31/01/2015 13:51

I have almost the opposite problem...my single, childless bil picks something 'key' without a thought for the fact that as the parents, we're obviously going to have got that already. He's incredibly generous, but has bought more duplicates than you can believe! He's bought an Elsa dress for dd, buzz light-year when that was the 'big' toy...all sorts! If he'd only consult us he'd have saved me a fortune!
He buys me a particular brand of body lotion he was told i liked. It didn't come up to his planned budget, so he bought 3 tubs. 3 years running! I can't use it up, but my skin is bloody soft I can tell you!

Blu · 31/01/2015 13:59

If I ask for suggestions or a list because it is because I want to make sure I get something the child really wants.

So having asked, that's what I get - and generally let the parent know, so that they don't either end up with a duplicate or leave the child disappointed.

Simple, logical and efficient.

And why a birthday is the right time to be 'teaching a child a lesson' , 'that they don't always get what they want...' yes, that's exactly the spirit to buy presents in....The Op said they were modest gifts, on the suggestion list.

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/01/2015 14:02

PJ - I'm sure she'd have been thrilled with umpteen repeats of things she already has when she's got the expense of kitting out a new flat. Not the most constructive idea. But you're obviously not an idiot.

PJ2000 · 31/01/2015 14:17

How many people are buying for this 22-year-old? You think she could've ended up with a lots of the same things for the home? That would be a major coincidence if everybody turned up with wineglasses (for example) in their hands.
I'm sure those wineglasses you bought are amazing I bet she sits there staring at them every night thinking 'thank god my clever aunt was the only one to buy them, thank God she had the sense to ask'. Imagine the drama at Christmas if you just used your initiative. Just not worth the risk.

Kewcumber · 31/01/2015 14:20

Don't people want children to love their present. The older they get the more specific their presents tend to be.

If you just want a buy a generic present like craft stuff thats fine and a well behaved child will say thank you nicely.

But I could weep at the amount of money my sister has wasted over the years on presents DS doesn;t like and in one case was actually terrifeid of!

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 31/01/2015 14:24

My MIL always needs lists - and then always goes out and buys a much cheaper version (which then often breaks).

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/01/2015 14:30

Exactly PJ, I could have bought her some purple cushions and a pink throw which would have looked great in her minimalist grey living room. I'm sure she's very grateful and I'll look forward to making full use of the glasses next time I visit.

I've been there with stuff people buy you for your home that they love and you don't - it's awkward and embarrassing. So do you just hand over your credit card? Deliver to their address and you hardly need to bat an eye...

LineRunner · 31/01/2015 14:41

I still genuinely don't understand the handbag story.

Floggingmolly · 31/01/2015 14:43

Neither do I, really. Was it a carrier bag that she expected to be filled with a lot of crap gifts? If so, why could you not have just put the gift you did buy into it; they could hardly have argued with that??

LineRunner · 31/01/2015 14:45

Or was it a gift she had already bought for your niece and she offered for you to give it instead? Did money change hands?

PJ2000 · 31/01/2015 14:47

what you obvs wouldn't buy pink and purple if you know she has a grey minimalist living room - so I don't see your point.

Asking for specific ideas is lazy. Asking for guidance is fine. 'Things for the home' is enough 'wineglasses' no fun.

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