To say "I am never giving present lists to again"?

[chimneybee]

Members of our family have asked what DS wants for birthday. I have told them what he wants, gifts are uncontroversial and inexpensive and he hasn't asked for a lot for his birthday just identified a few things he really wants. His birthday is in a couple of days and I've found out that some people have either bought something else or haven't got round to buying them yet. DS will be really disappointed if he doesn't get these things, as I said he's not asked for much but these were important to him. If I'd have known this I would have bought them myself, DH said BIL will buy him what I said he wanted but it's likely he won't give it to him for another month when we next see him. I feel annoyed with myself as the same thing happened at Christmas and I should have learnt from that, I'm not trying to dictate what they buy DS but they had asked what to get him, why do that if you then ignore it or it means that he won't get something he's been desperate for a month or so?

OP YANBU. I save the 'best ideas' for me to give the DC and only give 'good ideas' to reliable people. Then for people who just ask out of habit without ever listening, I just let them know what football team/band/playground craze DC are into lately.

It's ok to give ideas but not to have a paddy because you don't get what you asked for.

roland
You complained your SIL didn't buy the frozen doll quickly enough!
Seriously, listen to yourself!

The posters who are saying you sound grabby have never been in this position!

It's lovely of relatives to spend their hard earned money on your child....we all get that but why get something completely different after specifically asking what they want? That's what I don't get.

Christmas just gone,MIL "what would DG like for Christmas Everything? "

Me.... Well she's wanted that game Ghost Hunt for over a year so she would be thrilled with that. Well within budget £30(she spends £100- always) then there's money left to get whatever/ put in her account/vouchers ect. MIL "ok good ill order that."

Only she didn't get bought her another jewellery box...she's already got 4.

Grabby or not I was MAD!!!

So she still hasn't got it.

DS's granny doesn't do this.

Instead, she says "what are you getting Ds for his birthday"

Me "cosy coupe, I'm so excited, he loves it at nursery and my friend can get me it 20% off. Getting it after payday"

Granny a week later "oh ive bought Ds the cosy coupe and getting it delivered to yours, can you build it for me"

^You complained your SIL didn't buy the frozen doll quickly enough!
Seriously, listen to yourself!^

I think the point is, not that the SiL didn't buy it quickly enough, but Roland would have bought it herself when it was £11 rather than £30 if the SiL hadn't said she'd buy it

No, I'm asking for ideas, ie what they like, what they'd appreciate, not a link straight into the shopping basket !! I may as well just give them my credit card number and have done with it.

If a boy likes lego/dinosaurs/harry potter or whatever, that's fine, but I don't want to be expected to get a specific item unless I offer to do precisely that - if it's that important, get it yourself. It smacks of precious children having to be pandered to.

Just this Xmas, I asked for ideas for DNiece (22 btw) and, without a pause for breath, was handed a carrier bag with a handbag inside! Give me strength.

I apologise for using the word paddy.

I know some people will think you ungrateful but I completely get what you mean from the inlaws.

They ask for a fucking list - it's hard to find things for DS who is now 6 as he has most things and we have a huge family.

We give them a list of price suitable, awesome things he wants that you can get from argos etc - what a shock on 90 percent of occasions they ignore and buy him shit he doesn't want.

Now I make them tell me what they have bought within a week so I can tell others to get the gifts they don't get.

I agree with you whats but how have you made the same mistake by asking for 22 years in a row?

God, I hate lists for DCs birthdays, it's a birthday not a bloody wedding! (Not too keen on wedding lists either )

It just attaches so much importance to presents. Just get what your DCs would really like yourself and be grateful for what everyone chooses to spend their money on for your DC.

I do get that there are present buyers that like and request lists to buy from, fair enough, or couples that share wish lists for ideas etc but for DCs birthdays it just seems so grasping.

My DC always liked surprises for presents (if there was something specific in budget they really wanted we would get it) but gifts from anyone else would be appreciated, whatever they were, and half the things they got they probably wouldn't have thought they wanted, but loved if that makes sense.

It just makes me feel uncomfortable and some of the stories on here sound ridiculous, normally DC can't always get exactly everything they want for each birthday and it's not a bad lesson to learn from the beginning.

"Now I make them tell me what they have bought within a week so I can tell others to get the gifts they don't get."

Ironic cross post there! "Tell" and "gifts" don't really sit comfortably together to me!

I'm with you OP. And I am utterly un grabby. Every year I am expected to provide itemised lists for my DC - with Amazon links. It is always a massive headache and takes me ages. Then people ignore it or forget to email round what they have bought and then we get duplicates. This year the DC both wanted a cuddly toy from a particular movie - they each wanted a particular one and so that's what I said on the email. DS (from various people) got the cuddly he wanted, the cuddly DD wanted and another random one from the same film. DD got none. I have never been as proud of them as I was that morning, when DD didn't complain and DS just handed her the cuddly she had wanted. See, no grabbiness here! The gift givers had no idea anything had happened - I'd never complain about a gift and that's what we're teaching the DC.

But I have learned not to put anything on the lists that they really want!

And just to add - they MAKE me do the lists. I hate it. I'm from a family that likes surprises!

THey make you? Tie you up and throw hot rocks until you write a list?

YANBU OP. My parents and PIL do this. My DM is the worst. Last year she asked me for ideas. I sent some out, she then said she really wanted book ideas, so I sent found book ideas and sent them out to all family who ask for ideas (not large). Two days before Christmas my PIL call to say they hadn't got anything yet and what was still "free". So I said any of the non-book things. Call my DM to check. - she hasn't bought anything yet and tells me she's going out to get X non-book item. I call my PIL to update them, they say they weren't going to get it anyway (possibly just being polite). Come Christmas they both get the DCs things that weren't on the list (and no books from DM), are not related to anything on the list and are for a much older age range. I gave up.

It's not the needing them to get something DCS really want, it's the disparity between the pre-gift communication where they give the impression they are the most generous (with their attention and concern and effort) GPs and the reality of the actual actions.

However, all the GPs are lovely when they visit and our DCs are always excited to see them, so it's neither here nor there whether the gifts they get meet some standard I've set in my head because of their rhetoric.

Yesididmean

Sorry - that doesn't sound great.

What I meant was - they had a habit of them letting me give them a list with some things that DS really wanted only for his birthday to come round and them not be there.

Some things even being part of another present of that makes sense.

So now I ask them to tell me as soon as they buy the gigs and what they aren't getting.

I have to be sooooooo clear it s painful!!!!

Also I swear I am not grabby. They ask for xmas lists in September and his birthday is in August - they ask for a list in May.

My mil bought ds a ready bed for Christmas. He's 4 and sleeps in a normal bed. Utterly useless.

We need to downsize soon so I have a very low tolerance for unwanted crap. If that makes me ungrateful and grabby so be it. YANBU op.

Yep, hot rocks and boiling oil

Present lists are to give the present buyer some ideas. They're not an order form.

If your DS will be really disappointed not to get some of the items on his list, won't he be even more disappointed when told he isn't allowed to make one at all next time?

Yanbu. Same thing happened to my son!

Skylark - it depends who the list is for.

MIL and FIL ask for a list with items on that DS wants. Not suggestions - I literally have to list item name, type or size if relevant, place to buy it, if from argos catalogue number, price etc.

I swear - I have done the vague - 'he likes Lego and Ben 10' previously and I get 100 phone calls with follow up questions and called constantly whilst they are in shops etc.

I'm not giving them an exact list to 'order' them to get them. It's come out of years of self preservation to try and save my sanity.

I don't give any lists to anyone else. They all manage to get him lovely stuff without input.

YANBU. There's a member of my family who always asks, but then gets something totally different (and usually too small/ age-inappropriate). He then has missed out on things he wanted because we don't tend to buy presents other than birthday and christmas! I now suggest something that DS would like, but isn't desperate for, and buy him the gifts I know he really really wants myself.

This boils my piss soooo much.

Huge pressure from one particular relative every birthday.

Rel : What does ds want for birthday?

Me : Hasn't asked for anything but he loves dinosaurs, cars, Thomas the tank engine, maybe something like that?

Rel: But I want to get him something he REALLY wants.

Me : Well, he hasn't asked for it, but I know he was looking at the Thomas colouring book in Tesco. I was going to get it, but you could if you'd like.

Rel: Oh yes, that's a good idea. I hate wasting money on things he doesn't like. I'll get that then and some pens.

Me : He'll love that. Thanks. I won't get it then if you're getting it for him

(colouring book - £3)

Rel : Yes, I'll get that for him.

Birthday comes, they buy him an expensive and complicated board game.

DS (autistic) has no interest in board games. Can't read, can't follow complicated rules. Opens present, and says "thank you" (been practising this in advance that this is the socially correct response to a gift, no matter what you think of it) but obvious by his reaction he has no interest in the board game so he doesn't get enthused over it.

Relative face drops as he isn't playing with the gift.

Later opens a present from a different relative. They had asked what he's into and I'd said cars, dinosaurs and Thomas. They liked knowing what he is currently into as don't see him much. They bought him a Little set of dinosaurs - DS is absolutely thrilled - immediately lining them up and playing with them.

1st relative nose seriously out of joint, as he is showing no interest in the board game - keeps trying to get him interested in the game / setting it up etc, but he can't understand it. Their persistence is embarrassing in a cringe worthy manner.

Can see they are hurt that he is not interested - but I can't help but wonder why if they were so concerned about getting a reaction from him and so concerned about wasting money why they (1) asked what he liked in the first place and (2) didn't follow through on either the general ideas I gave or the specific idea that they AGREED was a good idea and instead got an educational, but developmentally inappropriate gift - then get all upset that he has no interest in it (as it's too advanced for him!)

I am not grabby at all - I don't expect anything from anyone. But if asked, then pressed for an idea I will do my best to suggest an inexpensive but suitable idea.

Can't stand the way there is so much drama over what they will buy (often multiple phone calls etc) yet they ignore the suggestions completely then get all stroppy when he isn't interested in what they have got him. Ffs - he has Autism.

Could understand if I was being greedy and suggested an x box, but I always suggest cheap, simple, easily available ideas, that I am 99% certain he will love.

I hate having to put up with the sulking adult who feels they have wasted their money.You can't win. This relative puts so much pressure on you to come up with 'the perfect gift' then ignore any suggestions and get all huffy when they don't get the reaction they wanted.

Don't believe that kids should get everything that they ask for - but if there is something you know your child really would love, buy it yourself for them, as people - despite making such a fuss about asking for ideas, will often do their own thing anyway!