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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say "I am never giving present lists to again"?

115 replies

chimneybee · 30/01/2015 12:25

Members of our family have asked what DS wants for birthday. I have told them what he wants, gifts are uncontroversial and inexpensive and he hasn't asked for a lot for his birthday just identified a few things he really wants. His birthday is in a couple of days and I've found out that some people have either bought something else or haven't got round to buying them yet. DS will be really disappointed if he doesn't get these things, as I said he's not asked for much but these were important to him. If I'd have known this I would have bought them myself, DH said BIL will buy him what I said he wanted but it's likely he won't give it to him for another month when we next see him. I feel annoyed with myself as the same thing happened at Christmas and I should have learnt from that, I'm not trying to dictate what they buy DS but they had asked what to get him, why do that if you then ignore it or it means that he won't get something he's been desperate for a month or so?

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/01/2015 13:10

Well it's a birthday wish list, not a shopping list.

Notso · 30/01/2015 13:14

This drives me mad. My in-laws will ask if there's anything specific the DC want, agree to buy something then give something completely different Confused or something similar but a bit cheaper and some random t-shirts.
I'm never ungrateful and neither are the DC. I just think why bother asking.
It's the same with clothes if I say DS is in age 5-6 and needs new trousers, MIL will buy a top in that size and trousers in either 4-5 or 6-7.

Stinkle · 30/01/2015 13:15

I have this with my MiL.

She starts nagging for Christmas lists in September. I used to tell her, then about 3 days before Christmas she'd ring and tell me that she'd decided she wasn't going to buy any of the things off the list as she didn't like any of them/didn't think anything was appropriate/whatever and could I give her more ideas.

I'd then panic that the kids wouldn't get the 1 or 2 things they really wanted as I'd assumed she was buying them as I hadn't heard otherwise.

We now buy the things they really want, and give her ideas for stuff they'd like but wouldn't be upset if they didn't get

CakeForBreakfast · 30/01/2015 13:44

YANBU

After over a decade of marriage to a man with a family who rely on lists.I have learnt to politely "HAVE NOTHING COMING TO MIND, BUT THE KIDS WILL BE GRATEFUL FOR WHATEVER YOU DECIDE". And repeat each time with 100% consistency.

This is borne of hard experience. Never give out lists unless you enjoy the neurosis involved. Some people do, different strokes and all that. Not me though, the memories are not fun.

kissmethere · 30/01/2015 13:53

It will have to be a lesson for the future. Tell them not so important things. Same has happened to me. I don't ask my Sil as she never satisfied even when we've got what was requested. Always get them nice things though.

kissmethere · 30/01/2015 13:55

CakeForBreakfast totally agree

Original poster
chimneybee · 30/01/2015 14:30

Thanks everyone, I feel better for venting and hearing that others have had similar issues. I will chalk this up to experience and if anyone asks in the future just give general suggestions or things I think the DC will like but have not asked for from now on. Smile

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 30/01/2015 14:43

Sorry op but you sound spoilt and ungrateful.
People don't have to buy your kids presents.

bloodygorgeous · 30/01/2015 14:44

I think YABU. No matter how you phrase this, you are seeing your suggested gift list as a command. It's kind of people to buy gifts. In life some gifts we like, some we don't. Sometimes we're disappointed. We don't show this, we say thank you. Great time to show your son this.

DeWee · 30/01/2015 15:18

If I ask for ideas, I'm asking for ideas in general, so craft/lego/clothes/classic books/sylvanians/something about cats type of thoughts. If someone provides me with a catalogue number type list, unless I'm told "they really want this, and no one else is getting it" then I won't get it because I like to do some choosing so it is more personal, plus there's a risk someone else will get it.
I only ever give generic lists for my dc.

curlyweasel · 30/01/2015 15:26

I don't think YABU. I have this often. I don't see what the point in asking is if they're not going to get him what he wants.

Family member: What would DS like for his birthday?
OP: Well, either a bag of dust or a cardboard box... you know, nothing massive - that's just what he's after.
Family member: Oh okay. I'll get him a colouring book then.

There's no logic in the asking.

Now, if my family ask, I tell them exactly what DD wants (e.g. a book) and then say but if you don't want to get her that, let me know because I will as it's something she really wants.

notnaice · 30/01/2015 15:34

YANBU.

Can't understand those who say you are being grabby or entitled. They asked you, not the other way round.

Anyway lesson learned. You'll make sure it doesn't happen again. Can you take back some of the things you've already bought and swap them?

Marcipex · 30/01/2015 15:34

It depends on what you call inexpensive I suppose.

I no longer ask BIL and Sil what to buy for our niece , as they invariably specify an expensive item, say £70 worth. They don't even write a card for us, so I've stopped it.

ladydepp · 30/01/2015 15:40

YANBU - tis annoying but now you know for next time. I just tell people very generic things and get the important gifts myself.

Still my MIL (who loves to buy dd clothes) does this:

mil: what does dd want?
me: she'd love a skirt like this (shows photo)
mil: oh great, I'll get her a pink one
me: she doesn't actually like pink, maybe blue or green or turquoise?

2 weeks later - MIL gives pink skirt to DD, and guess what, she's never worn it Hmm ARGH!

Does my head in.....

When she asks DH for his list he has taken to writing NO BOOKS at the top as she would otherwise buy him 2 or 3 books for every birthday. Despite us telling her at least 10 times that HE DOESN'T READ BOOKS - EVER!

Rant over - I feel your pain OP.

LineRunner · 30/01/2015 15:49

Of course the OP doesn't sound 'spoiled and ungrateful'.

These family members insisted on being given a more specific list. Then they ignored it.

whattodoforthebest2 · 30/01/2015 15:51

I find it really frustrating when I ask family members for present ideas and then realise that they have a 'must-have' list in mind for their children and they're ticking off items, assuming I'll buy what's been suggested. I have two SILs who both seem intent on buying every last thing that their precious offspring requires. It really winds me up. Also, asking for expensive presents I find really rude.

Another rant over.

LineRunner · 30/01/2015 15:52

The OP says her list wasn't expensive or very long.

notnaice · 30/01/2015 15:57

Why do you bother asking then what ?
I would be grateful for whatever people by my kids but if they ask then I need to know whether I need to buy the things or not.

notnaice · 30/01/2015 15:58

Buy

Oh and yes I agree it is rude if they only suggest expensive presents

AChocoLipsNow · 30/01/2015 16:09

Yep, I have the same problems OP. Yanbu.
Family members and parents of school friends when he's had parties have asked me what they can get him and then totally disregard what i've said anyway.

Lego, scooters, skates, pogo sticks

Stinkle · 30/01/2015 16:17

I agree it's rude if they only ask for expensive stuff, but why ask if you're going get wound up when they tell you?

DD2 asked for a few things for Christmas - a particular DVD, a particular book, stuff like that. Nothing outrageous, stuff I'm quite happy to buy myself but she would have been disappointed not to receive them. I don't buy everything off their lists, but I do like to get them the things I know they really want

Mil used to drive me mad for this. Pester the life out of me for ideas, then refuse to buy any of it. I'd get

MiL: what do the girls want for Christmas?
Me: well, DD1 would love X and DD2 would love Y (things like books, DVDs)
MiL: I don't want to buy that, what about a coat?
Me: well, they have day to day coats, but a nice coat would be good
MiL: no, I wanted to buy them a school coat
Me: well, they have school coats, and DD1 won't wear one anyway, how about rain coats for when it's warmer?
MiL: no, I've seen the coats I want to buy, why have they got coats already, they're so spoilt
Me: erm, it's December? Why wouldn't they have coats
MiL: so what do they want
Me:

If she doesn't want to buy what I suggest, that's absolutely fine, but stop bloody asking me. They don't ask for much so I have enough trouble trying to work out what they want, without giving ideas away to people who then won't buy it

We buy the stuff they really want now and just suggest stuff that they wouldn't be disappointed not to get

RolandRatRocks · 30/01/2015 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notso · 30/01/2015 16:21

So do you prefer to buy presents people don't want what Confused
If you don't want them to tell you what their DC would like why ask?

I agree it's rude when people ask for expensive things but I have no qualms about saying "any ideas for X, I'd like to spend around £10"

RolandRatRocks · 30/01/2015 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsmootoo · 30/01/2015 16:30

YANBU. I find this a real pain every Christmas. I think if family do ask what children want then it's OK to be really specific and expect that they get that. I do the same. If it's friends for a party or a general query I would go generic lego/chocs etc. Having said that I know which family members can be relied upon so I would not give them a really important present to get!