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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so hurt and upset by friend's timing?

110 replies

Notmymuse · 29/01/2015 14:52

We've just found out cycle 3 of ivf had failed.
Not that many people know we've had ivf but more do now than when I had the first cycle. The first cycle was exciting even though it was scary, now I feel worn out and jaded by it all. And in some ways it seems less of a thing I want to keep secret - I've started to feel like if more people spoke about it it wouldn't be so taboo.

Anyway I've told four friends this time round, including one who loves round the corner from me. She has an older child and had a new baby at the start of December. I've been to see her and her baby, attended the baby shower and taken gifts etc, I've really tried to separate my failure from her happiness and have done a reasonable job I think.
She texted me this morning to see if I wanted to meet over the weekend and asked if I had any news re this cycle. I told her that sadly we'd just discovered it had failed again. She texted back, usual platitudes - no one can say anything to help really and nor do I expect them to - and we arranged to meet next week.

I return from work to find a letter through the door. It's a birth announcement for said friend's daughter.
The picture on the front is several of the baby with a little rhyme about ten tiny fingers and toes and inside is a photo of both children and it says:

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of x to complete our family.
We have been truly blessed.

And then gives baby's birthday, weight etc.

I can't stop crying over the bloody thing. 'We have been truly blessed' feels like a kick in the teeth. As opposed to what? ive been tryly cursed? Why did she put it through today? Baby is eight weeks old - I've seen her a number of times - I don't need a bloody birth announcement.

Aibu to find this exceptionally thoughtless almost to the point where I can't believe she's done it? I suppose I could blame it on being wrapped up in the newborn but I'd like to think that if it were the other way around I'd have a little more tact.

OP posts:
TeddyBee · 30/01/2015 18:53

I'm so sorry, that's awful :( my bf had ICSI to conceive her child. I had two babies before she even made it to the top of the waiting list and I felt like a total cow telling her about my second pregnancy. If her IVF had failed, I hope I would have been more sensitive than your friend. are you considering any changes to your treatment? Any merit in donor cycles or anything like that?

Nocturne123 · 30/01/2015 18:58

I'm sorry about your news . I don't think you are being unreasonable at all . I think it was completely thoughtless of her . Thanks For you

Notmymuse · 30/01/2015 20:31

Meant to be seeing her next Tuesday.

Considering donor cycle but I'm not sure. It feels like it might be a step too far.

OP posts:
Notmymuse · 30/01/2015 20:32

I don't know whether to mention how I felt or not...

OP posts:
marshmallowpies · 30/01/2015 20:53

TeddyBee I have a friend who has been waiting/preparing to start fertility treatment for the last year; at about the time she was having surgery to remove cysts which could be a contributory factor, I had a miscarriage.

Both being able to talk about our respective issues really helped, I hope - but I already had one DD before the MC and now just about to have a second, fingers crossed.

Having to tell her I was pregnant again so soon after the MC, when she was no nearer starting her fertility treatment was awful. I ache for her when I remember how we grew up together and used to play at being mummies with our toy dolls. It just feels so unfair - but me saying that to her doesn't fix the problem, I know that, so I don't know what to say.

I dread even sending her a text to say when baby arrives. we won't be doing announcement cards anyway, that's not our style, but OP I hope I can handle it more sensitively than your friend did. Why bother sending announcement cards to nearby friends who have already met the baby? I would have thought they were for far away relatives and friends more than anyone else.

OP I wish it did turn out the card was hand delivered by her husband without her realising it.i can't believe she would have delivered it to you the exact same day as you'd had that news. ThanksThanks and hugs for you.

HesterBlue · 31/01/2015 13:00

YADNBU. I am so sorry to hear that your friend has been so thoughtless and tactless at this very difficult time for you.

It sounds like you have done amazingly well to keep in such close contact as you have with her over the last few months - I'm not sure I'd have managed to be as strong and generous as you. Unfortunately, some people just don't get it, and sending you that card suggests your friend is one of them.

Do take care of yourself (and rearrange next weeks meeting with her if you feel you need to). Sending hugs.

hackmum · 31/01/2015 13:32

YANBU. I would never do that to someone. It's tantamount to gloating.

christinarossetti · 31/01/2015 21:03

If you feel able to, I think it would be worth talking to your friend about how the card made you feel.

As others have said, many people just don't 'get it' and a conversation may prevent other insensitive communications from her in the future.

Take care, and all the best for the future.

Shonajay · 31/01/2015 21:09

I actually can't believe that. Of all the utterly tactless and cruel things to do. I'm so so sorry. Your friend is a bitch.

bettyboop1970 · 31/01/2015 21:17

Birth announcement wtf!! How nauseating. Talk about insensitive. Are you sure she's a friend?

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