To be so hurt and upset by friend's timing?

[Notmymuse]

We've just found out cycle 3 of ivf had failed.
Not that many people know we've had ivf but more do now than when I had the first cycle. The first cycle was exciting even though it was scary, now I feel worn out and jaded by it all. And in some ways it seems less of a thing I want to keep secret - I've started to feel like if more people spoke about it it wouldn't be so taboo.

Anyway I've told four friends this time round, including one who loves round the corner from me. She has an older child and had a new baby at the start of December. I've been to see her and her baby, attended the baby shower and taken gifts etc, I've really tried to separate my failure from her happiness and have done a reasonable job I think.
She texted me this morning to see if I wanted to meet over the weekend and asked if I had any news re this cycle. I told her that sadly we'd just discovered it had failed again. She texted back, usual platitudes - no one can say anything to help really and nor do I expect them to - and we arranged to meet next week.

I return from work to find a letter through the door. It's a birth announcement for said friend's daughter.
The picture on the front is several of the baby with a little rhyme about ten tiny fingers and toes and inside is a photo of both children and it says:

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of x to complete our family.
We have been truly blessed.

And then gives baby's birthday, weight etc.

I can't stop crying over the bloody thing. 'We have been truly blessed' feels like a kick in the teeth. As opposed to what? ive been tryly cursed? Why did she put it through today? Baby is eight weeks old - I've seen her a number of times - I don't need a bloody birth announcement.

Aibu to find this exceptionally thoughtless almost to the point where I can't believe she's done it? I suppose I could blame it on being wrapped up in the newborn but I'd like to think that if it were the other way around I'd have a little more tact.

Need that's really uncalled for. You clearly can't relate to the the grief and trauma of IVF and struggling to conceive. Any caring true friend in their right mind would be sensitive enough to time a belated birth announcement card in such a situation.

Yes I think the mother is being self obsessed.

Can you just tell her it was badly timed?

It reads to me like your friend made a special effort to call you and ask about you - and perhaps because you put on such a brave front - she got the (wrong) impression that you were holding up better than she expected and was able to handle the announcement.

Sorry I haven't read through all the replies but it just strikes me as she was being thoughtful and checking how you were via phone, got the wrong end of the stick, and thought it was ok to post the announcement. Rather than just a callous coincidence.

YANBU

But unless she really is awful, I don't think your friend IBU - sometimes it's hard to know how to do right for doing wrong. It doesn't mean you can't feel upset about it, and I'm sorry IVF isn't working for you

Terrible timing.
Rip it up and throw it away.

I don't think she should have sent you the card AT ALL. Who sends a card to a friend struggling to ttc which congratulates themselves on 'being blessed' with their 'complete family'.

FFS she is obviously missing a sensitivity chip.

bumchange DFOD.

How would you feel if she'd have 'announced' it to everyone else and left you out?
It's sad but people can't plan their family around you, try and remember that she didn't do it to cause you pain.
I'm really sorry about your news, but a lot of us have bad things happen to us at the same time that things are going well for others.
It's awful but sometimes that's how it happens sometimes.

It's a cliché but it wasn't personal. I wouldn't say anything because think about what would you really have expected her to do?

I'm so sorry.

I recently had my third IVF cycle which I mc'd at 13 weeks. No babies for me now, ever.
YANBU and certainly not self obsessed, people who make birth announcement cards are self obsessed IMHO.

One lady at my work had her 12 week scan this week. She knew that I mc'd 2 weeks ago and was super sensitive.

Anyone who says that you are being U has never suffered the pain (and it is an almost physical pain) of infertility.

It's sad but people can't plan their family around you, try and remember that she didn't do it to cause you pain.

No, but people can be sensitive. No one needs a card through the door. A simple text, call or dropping round in person would do.

YANBU

You have done your very best to separate her happiness from your unhappiness. You've seen the baby, you've given presents, you've 'made the appropriate fuss' of a new baby which is more than many people would have or could have done in your situation.

It is frankly weird to send people an 'announcement, if they have already seen the baby and know the date, weight etc. but to hand deliver it, through your door, on the very day you have told her about your unsuccessful IVF?! Fucking hell. We would be ex friends.

If for some reason she thought you might like a copy of it (god knows why, but new baby hormones can send you a bit barking) then she could have brought it with her at the weekend and asked you if you wanted it.

Honestly, she'd be an ex friend. There's not an explanation good enough for this, there really, really isn't.

I suspect you received the card as your friend wants to treat you the same as other people in her life, so that you don't feel like people are lying to you by omission. Though in this instance, it seems it would have been kinder for you to have been left off the mailing list.

Tell her how you feel. Her reaction will tell you whether she cares about your feelings and made a genuine mistake, or whether she's not capable of /willing to empathise with you.

NeedABumChange - this is not about whether or not the OP can 'feel joy for a friend and her new baby' - she has done that.

Do you genuinely not see what the OP has issue with, or are you being deliberately obtuse?

Muse - YANBU. What an incredibly bizarre thing to do. How are you going to handle it, do you think?

It's not about other people planning thier families around her! Of course other people give birth and get pregnant, life goes on. This letter was too late to be an formal announcement as OP already knew about the birth. It's about a badly and insensitively timed letter. A thoughtless friend.

Momto2teens - OP doesn't know any other of her friends. She could have easily been left out if friend but friend isn't very thoughtful/sensitive

When you say you were texting her this morning, was that after you left for work? If so she may have put the card through before she found out your bad news, and has spent the rest of the day feeling mortified when she realised how bad her timing was?

If not, then appalling lack of tact from her I agree!
The only thing I can slight empathise with her on is that if you have never been through anything similar yourself, it can be hard to know how best to act - our current pregnancy has coincided with someone close's miscarriage, and I do find it hard to know how much to avoid the subject altogether and how must to include them like I would have otherwise. I often end up after I have seen them going over conversations in my head worrying if said anything to make things worse -I hope not but it can be hard to know.
However, the other part of me thinks the card and wording make her sound a bit ott and self obsessed anyway ( unless it also contained a thank you for a present or something, and that's why she is sending them even to people who have already met the baby? )

I agree with you entirely. Some people who have not been through IVF/infertility really do not understand. So she may just be insensitive and not realise how difficult it has been for you. Some people have the attitude, life goes on (for everyone else) and carry on regardless and treat you the same as everybody else.

When I went through it (failed too) I didn't tell a soul and I'm glad I didn't. I would have found the disappointment difficult to share.

On the other hand I expect you don't want people to pussyfoot around you. It's difficult.

She did not need to officially announce the birth to you as you have already seen the baby! And the 'blessed' bit, yes that is hurtful under the circumstances.

I wouldn't say anything myself but understand if you did.

I suspect it is less about the birth announcement itself, than it is about the wording it contained. I spent 7 years TTC, and while I had no problem with other people having babies and even talking about them, it was the language that they used: "We're the perfect family now", "just so blessed" "she makes me feel complete" "I feel like a real woman now that I've given birth" are all things that make a woman struggling with infertility die a little inside.

urgh yes, all those 'blessed' comments make me want to throw up. I have now got children and I still think those comments are smug and unnecessary.

But not as unnecessary as Needabumchange's comment. It's not the bum that needs changing, it's your ignorant and callous attitude.

Yanbu at all. I'm so sorry your 3rd cycle has failed. I've been through ivf 3 times, for me it has been the hardest time of my life without a doubt. I really hope this isn't the end for you, my consultant always told us to think of it as a 3-4 cycle process. My first 2 cycles were terrible, on my second I only produced one embryo that was abnormal. Yet on my 3rd cycle I got to blast for the 1st time. I think that response to cycles can vary widely and it really is just pot luck.

Obviously if the card was posted by someone else or before your friend found out it is just unfortunate timing. That said I think the wording would be insensitive to send to you at any time. I find comments like that really upsetting. My best friend once said to me that "we are finally a real family" when her DS arrived. It cut me to the bone, as if couples without children aren't a family??

I would throw it away as you would have done anyway in a few weeks. When you feel brave enough tell your friend she hurt your feelings. Hopefully she will be mortified and you can put it behind you. I appreciate it is often difficult for other people to know how to deal with friends going through infertilty. But you have clearly put your own feelings aside to share in her joy as much as you can so I think it's only fair she treat you sensitively and recognises what you are going through.

Pipin I'm so very sad to hear your news. Life is can be so unfair. Thinking of you

Jesus, Needabumchange - are you the insensitive friend?

OP, YANBU. I had two Congratulations cards and new baby presents to send to friends the week after my first mc. I wrapped them with tears in my eyes. It hurt - and they didn't even know about the mc.

Have you had any contact with your friend since?

"We're the perfect family now", "just so blessed" "she makes me feel complete" "I feel like a real woman now that I've given birth"

Who says that shit, really?! Think it, but bloody hell, how smug.

Supposed to be a

Ohh I have heard many of these gems first-hand over the years :)

Jeez. If I had problems with ttc and a 'friend' told me all that, I'd probably ditch the moo.