To be so hurt and upset by friend's timing?

[Notmymuse]

We've just found out cycle 3 of ivf had failed.
Not that many people know we've had ivf but more do now than when I had the first cycle. The first cycle was exciting even though it was scary, now I feel worn out and jaded by it all. And in some ways it seems less of a thing I want to keep secret - I've started to feel like if more people spoke about it it wouldn't be so taboo.

Anyway I've told four friends this time round, including one who loves round the corner from me. She has an older child and had a new baby at the start of December. I've been to see her and her baby, attended the baby shower and taken gifts etc, I've really tried to separate my failure from her happiness and have done a reasonable job I think.
She texted me this morning to see if I wanted to meet over the weekend and asked if I had any news re this cycle. I told her that sadly we'd just discovered it had failed again. She texted back, usual platitudes - no one can say anything to help really and nor do I expect them to - and we arranged to meet next week.

I return from work to find a letter through the door. It's a birth announcement for said friend's daughter.
The picture on the front is several of the baby with a little rhyme about ten tiny fingers and toes and inside is a photo of both children and it says:

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of x to complete our family.
We have been truly blessed.

And then gives baby's birthday, weight etc.

I can't stop crying over the bloody thing. 'We have been truly blessed' feels like a kick in the teeth. As opposed to what? ive been tryly cursed? Why did she put it through today? Baby is eight weeks old - I've seen her a number of times - I don't need a bloody birth announcement.

Aibu to find this exceptionally thoughtless almost to the point where I can't believe she's done it? I suppose I could blame it on being wrapped up in the newborn but I'd like to think that if it were the other way around I'd have a little more tact.

I'll try to be kind to your friend. She has an 8 week old baby and is probably in a total fog of sleep deprivation. That's the only excuse I can think of for such insensitive timing.
Take note of the birthday somewhere in case you care later, then bin it. It's not your child.
I'm really sorry you've had such a shit day and such bad news. Have some and some

I'll bet its been sitting in a pile of undelivered cards for weeks and her DH took them all with him this morning to post.

She may not have even noticed they've gone. He may have told her he's posted them weeks ago.

Bizzarely I never found babies a problem when I was going through IVF. Someoen because they were a real person I could admire the wonder of them without resenting them it just seemed impossible to resent such a tiny bundle.

But pregnant women.... now that was a differnt issue... the bitches...

If she is an otherwise thoughtful friend then I would try to get past it, she obviously hasn't done it deliberately.

YADNBU - very thoughtless of her.
Why anyone feels the need to announce the arrival of a baby when it was born 8 weeks ago to someone who has already seen it is beyond me anyway. She sounds very wrapped up in herself

Throw it away

YANBU

I've been in your shoes & the pain is indescribable. Added together with the confusion of whether or not to be angry (at this and at everything else) and nothing makes sense at the moment anyway.

YAnbu

I think you should ignore this silly mare for as long as you want to. She's an idiot. Yeah yeah she's had a baby etc etc but that does NOT excuse her extreme stupidity and tactlessness towards you.
I think birth announcement cards are a load of bollocks anyway these days when people can text etc. (disclaimer: just my opinion!) but she could have not sent you one.
I feel angry on your behalf and having had IVF a few times myself (perhaps why I'm fuming for you), I wouldn't have sent you one of these.
I'm truly sorry your treatment didn't work. It can be a massive slog and a huge emotional burden. Sending you best wishes.

It is very thoughtless but I agree with a PP who said she might be in a total haze of bleariness from lack of sleep. Or could her DH have popped it through your door without her knowing - she might not have passed on your terrible news to him?

It's really the only ways I can imagine it's not a totally tactless and insensitive thing to do.

Yanbu but wouldn't it have been just as crap to find out everyone else got one but you? She couldn't win.

I honestly don't think she posted it after she knew about your failed ivf, I think it was done prior to the call. She probably feels awful about it now.

Regarding whether she should have posted it at all - it's very difficult for people who haven't been through ivf to know what is best. Include you in the announcement just like every other friend or miss you out altogether. The latter could have caused issues as well with some people (not necessarily you).

Talk to her - find out when it was posted. If it was put through your letterbox prior to her call then it was just very unfortunate timing. If it was put through afterwards then perhaps she's not the sort of person you want as a friend.

Assuming the worst of her is unfair until you actually know the circumstances.

Yes I sound like a right cow. Your friend probably had no idea when the cards went out. The cards themselves are just annoying though

So sorry for you. Its thoughtless and I hate hate hate the 'we've been blessed line' just F* off does your 'blessing' make me a failure. It's horrible. I get it.

Again friend may not have passed on the news and also the excuse of in a fog of sleeplessness is fine BUT you want to be in that 'fog of sleeplessness' so its not helpful and i remember a friend making an excuse for a friend when i was in a similar boat just made me cry. as though i was outside the club of people who understood.
hugs - the whole infertiltiy thing is so so so very painful.

You poor thing. Three or four years ago I'd have thought maybe you were being a teeny bit unreasonable, she can't help it, etc. etc. etc.

Now, I totally get it. I am so sorry, and sending my solidarity.

I think as Kewcumber says there may be a chance her DH had posted it before she was able to tell him not to. In that case, I'd be a little bit more forgiving - I'm picturing her doing an "oh shit fuck bollocks" face when she realised.

However, I agree with you, you didn't need to have a birth announcement fullstop given that you have met the baby many times. This just seems unnecessary.

No YANBU.

It's so hard to know what to do though - I have a set of friends who have had many rounds of failed IVF. I always send twee Xmas cards with photos of my twins on. I didn't want to send to them in case it was rubbing their noses in it but also didn't them to think I was singling them out and they would be the only ones not to get a photo card as they'd see the photos in other friends houses.

Maybe your friend felt the same?

My SIL is TTC and not coping very well. She keeps telling me that I don't know how blessed I am etc and that is driving me insane (In fact if I hear blessed or blessing again I may scream!). Of course I know but she has asked me not to talk about my pregnancy around her so how does she know how I feel? I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

YANBU at all but I bet your friend thought about it and mistakingly thought it would be the best thing to do.

No, there was no reason to post it today, why? The baby is two months old now, birth announcements should have been made two months ago. It'd just be such a basic thing to not do right now under the circumstances that I can't fathom any reason she would.

YANBU bloody insensitive on their part, You know the baby arrived safe and well, Absolutely no need for this card.

Sorry things are so hard OP. If she's a thoughtful girl she might have thought it worse to send everyone a card and not you. People who've gone through hard times sometimes say they don't want people to avoid them for fear of upsetting them. So perhaps she was trying to involve and include you the same way she would normally so that you are not marked out as different.

I'm not sure how I would have handled this tbh. Probably impossible to do exactly the right thing because as you suggest, nobody can make this right for you.

It's hard - I have some history of this myself and so send you best wishes and strength.

Ya so nbu.

Highly insensitive, and cruel tbh.

x

The timing was dreadful, but I think that when I was having fertility treatment I would have been really sad to receive a card like that but also sad, angry and ashamed if I hadn't been on the list to receive a card.

The problem is you'd find out about the card as you'd see it stuck on mutual friend's fridges, I'd personally feel like I was being left out.

Could she maybe have put it through the door and then called you? If so she's probably kicking herself.

Oh I feel for you. I really do.
It could be that a friend offered to post them weeks ago and has only just delivered today. That's maybe clutching at straws.
Thoughtless for sure. If it's a one off then rip it to bits and vent to us and dh as much as you like.

Maybe her DH did it on his way to work or she did it before your call? Very understandable that you are upset but maybe it was just very unfortunately timed rather than deliberately hurtful.

I don't think there's a need to send a card like that to someone you know is struggling with their fertility.

Also, OP has already said - no mutual friends...

Does seem insensitive