to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

[badhareday]

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

I think yabu. They are his kids he should pay for half of their upkeep, therefore, her income doesn't matter. He had the kids. He pays. And 350 is such a small amount for one child let alone two. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for others of you who get even less, it would drive me up the wall. Presumably you knew that he had children when you got together, you have to accept that he has to support them.

I understand that element but how long does that go on? In that how old should the children be when you are morally 'allowed' to change employment IYSWIM. Clearly in a relationship you may be able to compromise but that's highly unlikely in a situation such as this. Just food for thought for me today.

I am pretty disgusted by this OP. Your DP should have immediately found extra hours work or a 2nd job so that he did not have to reduce the paltry £400 something a month he was already paying. £350 a month for 2 DC is outrageous.

It does not matter how much money the mother of his children gets from other sources, none of either of yours or your DPs business. It does not matter how little other scumbag fathers pay/or do not pay. You DP should have the morality to want to provide for his DC and to provide for them well.

I wonder, do you have DC together? How much is he contributing to YOUR children's upkeep?

If the ex is so worried about money why doesn't she take a second job or work extra hours? OP is getting a right bashing here, very unfair.

Both parents have an obligation to the DCs, why is everyone having a go at the poor father whose hours have been cut?

The DP is financially providing far more than just the maintenance cash if he has his children for two nights a week. He has to maintain a home suitable for them to stay at including the bills that takes, and he will be paying for food and activities while they are with him.

The ex has as much responsibility to provide a home for the children as ops DP has.

I get 285 from the ex for my DD. And I don't even nearly think I'm lucky to receive it...it doesn't cover even nearly half the costs of raising her. Though I do accept that most people get much less maintenance money than I do and have a harder time than I do as a result.

How do you know so much about her finances? She must have a bloody good part time job to be earning so much.

Sadly for her, though I very much understand her frustration, there's not a lot she can do to force him to pay more than the legal minimum that the CMS calculates based on how much he earns and how many days per week he looks after his children.

Was also going to ask if OP and her dp lived together, and if her children have been included in the new calculation? That would create a bigger drop along with his reduced wages and if she has done her own calculations without including your children then her figures will say she should get more.

If he knew the drop was coming then he should have informed his dcs mum, he must know it will affect them. Some people have said that when couples are together and income drops then it affects them, in those cases they are bother aware the drop is coming and can re budget, the ex often doesn't have a clue until one week their payment is a lot less than they were expecting. I think most people would be pissed off.

It makes no difference if the mum earns a million a day (and it's none of your business if she does) it's irrelevant that you get no payments from your ex for your dc, your dp has a responsibility to his dc. Things happen in life and I don't think he should take a second job, but he should be informing his ex of decreases in payments in advance, you might find she won't throw a "hissy fit" if she knows what's coming.

It's worth noting that how your dp treats your ex and his dc will be how he treats you and your dc should your relationship breakdown in the future.

Treats his ex, not your ex, sorry.

I think YABVU and how you describe her speaks loads about your attitude towards her. FWIW If the payment is the subject of a court order then your DP doesn't have the right to vary it without getting it reassessed through the CSA - if a year has passed - or going back to court, where he will have to prove his circumstances have changed beyond his control and provide documentation to prove he cant pay. He cant just decide to pay less, or he is in breach of the order.

And remember they are HIS children, not an optional lifestyle expense and £350 doesn't go far to support them eyes up own huge teens

We don't live together nor do we have DC together. Neither of us make a financial contribution to the others household.

He has his own home which he pays for from hos earnings, as all bills etc, his house costs him 3 times the amount his exw pays for her mortgage. He isn't penniless but not rolling in it either.

His job change was not voluntary. He could look for some thing else but for a number of reasons (health, other circumstances) would prefer not to do so at present. Obviously there's no guarantee of him getting a higher paid role even if he was looking.

I think the idea he should work himself onto the ground to pay more than the csa require to a woman who has more than him in disposable income and far lower outgoings is bloody laughable. Yes he should pay, but why shouldn't how well off she is be a factor (he knows her income because she has told him, he used to do her accounts etc. Her situation has not changed).

If they (the ex and the DP) were still together there'd be a drop in income though, so she'd still have to budget accordingly?

The DP can't help it if his hours were cut.

My DH was made redundant a while back, didn't find a job for 3 months. We cut back on spending. We were just about to cut CSA temporarily as we had no money- DH's ex did kick up a fuss but we could not give money we do not have. We didn't have to in the end but we ran up an awful lot of debt doing so, and my kids took the hit financially- no pocket money, no trips to shops, no swimming, no heating on etc.

You have kids with someone and rely on them for financial and physical support, you have to take their rough with the smooth a bit too. Whether you're together or not.

For the posters proclaiming that £350 is an outrageous amount and should be more what are you basing this on? Surely how much he pays is based on his income - at no point has the OP stated what this actually is.

OP, it's not about her income and CMS will never take that into account. It's about him paying an appropriate amount towards his children. If she became well-off enough to raise them alone with no financial help from him, would you be asking why he pays her anything at all??

CMS calculations are based on the income of the paying parent, yes. The resident parent more often than not gets a rotton deal because only for the people with very well-paid exes does it actually amount to half of the costs of raising a child. Because the fact is, the calculation takes granted the fact that regardless of their own income, the resident parent will always make sure the child's needs are catered for. In my case, I make a lot of personal sacrifices to meet this shortfall that I wouldn't have to if the amount I received was truly reflective of half the costs of raising a child.

I've said I have no objection to him paying something. But he has to house himself and the DC, feed them on the 2 days a week they're with him. Clothe them. It's not like he simply pays 350 and there his spending ends!

He is happy to pay what the CSA say he should. His Ex despite being significantly financially better off than him refuses to accept less money, and now wants to take him to court. Which in my mind makes her pretty greedy.

Yes he should pay, but why shouldn't how well off she is be a factor

Because he is paying towards the cost of raising his children who are 50% his responsibility.

I've said I have no objection to him paying something. But he has to house himself and the DC, feed them on the 2 days a week they're with him. Clothe them. It's not like he simply pays 350 and there his spending ends!

How magnanimous of you! These are children we are talking about. How would you feel, when you were a child, if your parents had split up and your father had a new partner who resented your existence and how much you cost in such a way? Can you even put yourself in their shoes?

Its the court's job to decide on the facts whether what your DP says is true. I doubt his ex either wouldn't be paying legal costs or wouldn't have been granted legal aid if there was absolutely no sort of case there at all. Its not a question of one family being equalised with another. Its a question of him supporting his own children.

She has to house herself and the DC, feed them on the 5 days a week they're with her, make sure they're clothed, cover school trips, dinner money, keep the house warm, etc. Her costs are significantly higher than his are. How much she earns is unimportant providing she's capable of meeting her 50% obligation plus the shortfall from his 50% that he doesn't pay all of.

Do you open her mail and check her bank accounts? You are making a lot of assumptions on somebody else's income and outgoings op.

Many parents are effectively limited at least short term by the need to provide for their children. Plenty of people put of retraining or do it over a much longer period for example just so they can keep earning money. It isn't about being a nr parent, it is about being a parent full stop

For separated parents, there seems to be an imbalance of expectation though - at least, that is what is evidenced on this thread.

The RP can, and frequently does, make choices about work, career, housing and family that impact on their finances and therefore quality of life they are able to provide their DCs. A choice to cut hours, Blend with another family, change jobs requiring a change in childcare arrangements - all these are potential consequences on the child of the RPs choices. But the NRP is often unaware, because, despite the impact on their child, they are not directly informed.
Whereas, when the NRP makes the same choice, the RP is immediately aware, because it is the RP who is responsible for administering the financial resource available to support the DC.

If the expectation is that the NRP should not make voluntary life-choices that impact on their DCs quality of life, then surely the same should be expected of RP?

Blimey!!
I'd love to change my stressful, thankless and often dangerous job and maybe make cappuccinos or have a little craft stall but the reality is i need to pay for my chikdren just like everyone else does including you dp!

Tell him to tell her to take him to court. She'll get a lot less than she's getting now.

Not sure you quite understand what I'm saying, either that or you're deliberately stirring.

I don't resent his children,far from it. I've never said anything of the kind on this thread, or at all. To infer otherwise suggests you have your own agenda. As a principle, all fathers should pay towards their childs upkeep. BUT it is a reality that for many fathers like my Ex their expenses go way beyond just the maintenance they pay. Like I said he houses, feeds, clothes those children. AND he pays another 350 to a woman who is better off than him. And some of you on this thread still think he should do more! Fucking ridiculous.

Oh and she doesn't get legal aid. Her family pay any legal fees for her. My DP has to pay his own or represent himself (prob the latter if this goes to court as he's short of cash).