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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to wipe off CSA arrears?

215 replies

OhSammyBoy · 28/01/2015 12:49

DS2 (9) dad has not seen him since 2010. This is his choice (dad not DS). Prior to this he only saw him 5 times in the previous couple of years.

He pays maintenance through the CSA. He left his job last year and failed to notify the CSA. Now as far as the CSA are concerned he has still been building up arrears in this time, as the assessment changes at the point of telling them your circumstances and they wont backdate.

The CSA in a rare show of actually being useful have chased up the case this week, and contacted me to ask if we have set up a private arrangement (No) and if I have received and maintenance directly (No), if I want them to chase the arrears (Yes) and if I still want them to retain the case (Yes).

They have rang DS2s dad, and obviously made him aware of this. He has now text me asking if he can ring me, as "there is a CSA issue that he needs to sort". I know he is going to ask me to wipe the arrears and close the case.

WIBU to tell him no?

In the interests of full disclosure

  • DS2 is the result of a 1 night stand.
  • His dad did not know about him for the first few years of his life (I couldn't find him - as soon as I did I told him about DS)
  • I do not need the CSA money to get by - it goes into a savings account.
OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 28/01/2015 12:57

At the end of any argument or discussion the fact remains that it is money for your (his) son. In my opinion, it should be paid.

maz210 · 28/01/2015 12:59

In the interest of fairness I probably wouldn't ask him to pay the arrears for the time he wasn't earning. You would effectively be punishing him for his mistake in not informing the CSA of his change in circumstances.

It is a tough one though. Has he been willing to pay the CSA in the past or have you struggled to get it out of him?

Also, is he working and paying again now or is he still unemployed?

JoanHickson · 28/01/2015 13:04

The money is for the child. No contraception is 100%.

yellowdinosauragain · 28/01/2015 13:05

If he is still unemployed and you don't need the money honestly I think you'd be a massive twat to make him pay the arrears.

He should pay arrears on what he should have been paying for the time you've received no maintenance. But to force him to pay based on a salary he no longer gets because of a technicality, yes YWBVVVVVU

ThisOneAndThatOne · 28/01/2015 13:08

I would let it go.

kaykayred · 28/01/2015 13:09

Umm, I disagree with yellowdinosaur

The money isn't for you to gad about town with. It's for the child.

If he loses his work then he needs to contact CSA. That is his responsibility, not yours. It isn't a "technicality".

If he stops working then he is still responsible for paying towards his child. If he continues to not work, he is still responsible for paying towards his child.

Icimoi · 28/01/2015 13:10

Do you know why he left his job? If he did so voluntarily then your child shouldn't be prejudiced.

winsomewitch · 28/01/2015 13:14

I'd also let it go.

yellowdinosauragain · 28/01/2015 13:18

Kakayred I know the money is for the child. I also know he should still be paying something when he is unemployed. Which is precisely why I said:

He should pay arrears on what he should have been paying for the time you've received no maintenance

But, imho, it is a technicality. Yes, he should have informed the csa. If he had then this situation wouldn't have happened, granted. But he didn't. I think it's massively unreasonable to chase money you're only entitled to because of a technicality.

I shouldn't have put the bit about her not needing the money. Because that is taking away from the crux of my argument. It's not relevant.

Original poster
OhSammyBoy · 28/01/2015 13:20

Thanks for the replies.

I understand (and this is from people that know people that know him - not from him directly) that he left his job after being arrested for something (although I don't know what) - I believe it was from choice, rather than being sacked, and has since been "reflecting on the situation" whilst waiting to see if he would be charged.

I don't know if he has another job elsewhere. I could ask him I suppose, but I don't know how much I trust him to tell me the truth - last time I knew he was working, as it has come up in previous conversations. Since then our relationship has deteriorated massively. I think he is a jackass of the highest order for dropping DS, and he thinks I am a spiteful cow who went to the CSA to punish him.

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 28/01/2015 13:22

In the op's shoes I'd

  1. talk to him to establish what he had been earning. If he had a history of not being honest /trying to get out of paying maintenance I'd want proof

  2. work out what he should have been paying for the time in question.

  3. tell him that when he transfers that amount into my bank account I will tell the csa to stop chasing for the arrears and start again afresh.

  4. remind him it's his responsibility to inform them of a change in circumstance not mine

yellowdinosauragain · 28/01/2015 13:23

Cross posted Op. I'd do as I just said but is definitely want proof of income /no income.

Newyearsunresolutions · 28/01/2015 13:26

From my experience I would keep the CSA case open. I had a similar situation with my eldest child. The CSA finally caught up with him after 9 years and were taking £90 a week directly from his wages. He rang me begging to go to a private arrangement, he said he couldn't afford to live etc. I stupidly agreed to a private agreement and ended the CSA case. He lasted a few weeks of paying and then stopped. I couldn't reopen the CSA case.

needaholidaynow · 28/01/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 28/01/2015 13:50

It was his responsibility to contact the CSA and tell them about a change in circumstances, and he didn't, so the debt it his own fault. I would not be wiping it.

PrimalLass · 28/01/2015 13:54

I think it's massively unreasonable to chase money you're only entitled to because of a technicality.

This.

Nolim · 28/01/2015 13:56

The money is for the child. Unless the father failed to notify about his unemployment because he was in a coma or something, it is his problem to sort out.

Sn00p4d · 28/01/2015 13:57

He has a csa issue to sort, so he should sort it with the csa.
I don't see any need for him to contact you about it other than to try to guilt trip you into wiping it
You're using the money he is obligated to provide to get the best possible future for your son, he already has a useless dad, you're making sure some good comes out of it and setting him up well for the future, you owe your ex nothing and no favours, don't drop it.

Davsmum · 28/01/2015 14:14

It is between him and the CSA.
It is HIS responsibility to make the payments and to keep the CSA informed of his circumstances.
YOU would NOT be 'punishing' him as maz210 pointed out.
The CSA will make a decision based on what he tells them and what he can prove.
You are not a twat to make him pay either, as yellowdinosauragain said.

The only Twat here is your Ds's Dad. He is a grown man and he should be thinking how everything he does affects his child.
Just refuse to discuss it because it is between him and the CSA - Of course you will have to accept their decision.

Pumpkinette · 28/01/2015 14:24

I wouldn't drop it. I would get them to chase him for the money. Once they are taking the payments from his wages and it's in your account you could look at it on a what is fair basis.

If you want to be generous you could recalculate what he would be paying when unemployed and return the rest to him. Or you could just put it aside for your son like you have been doing previously.

If you drop the case then you may end up with many more years of no child support money.

rinabean · 28/01/2015 14:58

It's for your son and there doesn't seem to be a good reason (health problems, abroad, whatever) for him to have not told the CSA himself. It's not really about you so you can't possibly be punishing him or mean. He's a grown man and your son is entitled to not be entirely ignored by his father. That it goes to a saving account is irrelevant too. Imagine if you were married and both earning really well, I bet you'd have that account anyway right? Your son deserves something from his father, it doesn't make you grasping, it's not about you, you are not even going to be spending the money on your son's behalf so it can't possibly be about you

CSIJanner · 28/01/2015 15:10

Surely if he left his job and has no income coming in, surely there would be a P45, official letters etc that he could submit with the pertinent dates on. He wants you to do the work because he can't be arsed to.

You also don't know how long he was out of work or if he still is. If he is working, he needs to be paying out of those wages. If he's claiming, it will be a nominal amount but he still has to pay something.

Sethspeaks · 28/01/2015 15:26

YANBU. It's down to him that he didn't tell them so he has to deal with the consequences. Besides, you have no idea what is going on in his life and no way of knowing whether he is earning, has capital or what. He needs to be speaking with them, not you. He sounds like my ex. Gets in touch over something like this, but wouldn't think to ring and ask how his dd's are!

PtolemysNeedle · 28/01/2015 16:44

I was all ready to say YANBU, but personally I don't think it's fair that men can be forced into paying for a child they don't want and never knew existed. You chose to have this child alone, so the responsibility to provide for him should be yours alone.

Caronaim · 28/01/2015 16:48

I agree with Ptolemyneedle. It is to all intents and purposes your child not his. You get all the love and fun and joy, You also get the responsibilities and the bills. He is losing out hugely anyway, and you don't need the money,